IX

Roxas

I keep losing my composure around Axel. My heart races, faster than it ever did before, skipping around and hurting my ears. I hate my heart. I wish I didn't have it sometimes, because it's not perfect and it most of the time feels like I only have half of one.

I want to hold him, kiss him. I've never felt like this before, about anyone. Not even Larxene. I'm surprised it's him, because he's the one I want to protect. I keep reminding myself that he's the special one, but it's getting harder and harder to remember that. I don't know when something changed between us, but I know it happened before we even left Traverse Town.

I want to be active, to work things out physically like I could before. But the only job available didn't have anything to do with hard labor. I still took it because math is the only thing that makes sense to me most of the time. I would be frustrated, I think, if this wasn't for Kairi.

She is home now. She's still bald, but so is Sora so she's not as upset by it. He makes her happy. So, so happy. I've never seen anyone that happy before. She's sick and tired and fragile and too skinny, but she still glows like her heart has been lit up.

It's only been four months and twenty-three days since we got here, but it feels like much longer. It feels like years. Decades, even. Everything is dragging and slow, and even though I've never hated to be slow, I feel strange. I want to jump up and down, waving my hands and breathing heavy. It's so slow it's suffocating me, and the slow work of a finance planner isn't helping – though at least I don't have to work at the office. I just do the work.

I want to scream. I want to run away. I want to do something. Anything. I want this feeling to go away.

But what I really want more than anything is Axel. I want to do more than just lie on his chest or look at his eyes, even though even that is a little too intimate for him. Not because he's not ready to be intimate, because I know he's definitely not a virgin, but because it's me. I think that somewhere, in a world that made sense, I could maybe say I love him. But not in this one. This world doesn't make sense anyway.

I'm watching Sora and Kairi right now. Riku is on the couch by Sora, looking on like he's jealous, and I know why but I really don't care. He's not someone I care about. And I feel really…awful. I need to get out of here. So I stand up from the rocking chair in the corner and leave.

My bedroom is my sanctuary. Axel sleeps in my parents' old room and Larxene sleeps in Kairi's, but now that Kairi's back they'll probably go back to how it was before. Axel on the couch, Larxene in the bedroom, Naminé in her own. Except I want him to sleep in here, because lately I can't sleep. I need his heartbeat to sing me to sleep.

I lie down on my bed and stare at the ceiling. There's a breeze – my window is open, because Destiny Islands never gets cold – and the cord hanging from the light bulb swings back and forth, like a pendulum. I watch it with my eyes because I'm tired but I know I won't sleep again tonight.

The door opens but I don't look over. I already know who it is. "Hey, Roxas."

"Hey, Naminé."

She sits on the edge of the bed and sighs. I don't know why she's sighing. "How are you?"

I shrug, even though I'm still lying down. "Normal. How are you?"

"Normal."

She's quiet for a minute before asking, "Hey…do you think…do you know what Larxene thinks of me?"

It's a weird question and it comes from nowhere, but I answer anyway. "Not really. I think she likes you though."

She gasps. I've never heard anyone gasp before but it really does exist, because she does it. "But why is she so…awful to me?"

"Because she likes you."

"That doesn't make sense, Roxas."

I turn a little. I don't look at her but I turn my body toward her so she knows this is important. "Larx doesn't like caring. So she's mean to you."

She giggles a little and then sighs again. "I…never guessed…"

I don't say anything. I don't know what to say. But I know Naminé will ask me a question, if she wants to. But she doesn't. Instead, she gets off the bed and says, "Thanks, Roxas."

Then she leaves. I lie there again, watching the string because it's strangely relaxing. I hear the door open again and I know who this is, too.

"Long time no see."

"It's only been six hours and four minutes, Axel."

He laughs – though it's more of a snort than anything – and sits down where Naminé was just a little while ago. "I still don't know how the hell you do that."

"I just know. The numbers tell me."

Suddenly I realize I've never said that out loud before. The numbers thing. No one has ever known about the numbers.

"…What?"

"Never mind."

So he didn't get it, after all. I think that's better anyway. If he knew, he might think something different of me. Maybe not. But I don't want to chance it.

"I've been thinking," he says.

"Hmm."

"Don't even try to act interested. Seriously, don't."

I roll my eyes. "What are your thoughts?"

"I think we need to have a little chat. You, me, and Larx. Something's breaking, and even though I'd rather not do this, I don't want us to split up. You know? It's…things are changing and I hate it."

I can see him clench his fists on his thighs. I think something's breaking too, but I thought it was just me seeing it. So I nod. "I think so too."

"Good." He's suddenly more cheerful and I wonder how he can do that – change from angry to cheerful in such a short time. He must be pretending, because no one could feel that. No one could feel that much in such a short time.

"Now that I've got that out of the way, Larx tells me we're going out. They don't have any clubs anywhere on the entire island, which sucks, but at least they have a Gipetto's here. What do you think?"

"Fine."

He sighs and I feel the bed shift as he lies down next to me like he always does lately. "You're not okay."

I think it's strange that he can pick up on things like that and not act on them. If Larxene saw this, she would tease me because that's who she is. But Axel is different. Maybe he is teasing me in his own way, but if he is, I can't see it. So it's not working.

"No, I'm not."

And I also think it's strange that he can make me be honest without trying.

"Well what's going on?"

"Kairi. And Sora. And you."

I can't find the right words, but I'm trying hard. I take a breath and try again when he doesn't say anything. "Sora makes Kairi happy."

He laughs lightly. "Yeah, anyone could see that. What does that have to do with me?"

"I want to do that for you."

That just came out without my consent but it's true and I'm not going to take it back. Maybe the trick to talking is to not think. But then it might come out as numbers and I don't want that to become a habit again.

He breathes in, and it's a quick sound. It sounds like he either got the wind knocked out of him or he just came up for air after being underwater too long. He doesn't say anything, but I don't say anything either. I don't want him to say anything, anyway; I don't know what to expect.

But he does, after thirty-six seconds.

"I…want to do that for you, too."

I don't know what to think about that, or how to feel about that. It makes my heart race, but it's in a way I don't think is bad. And when he leans over and presses his lips against mine –

– I didn't pull away, when he did that. And even though it's only lips on lips, I think I like it. He pulls away and I watch his lips smile.

Suddenly I realize my mind was so blank when he kissed me that the numbers went away. I have no idea how long he kissed me.

And I realize it happened before, too. When we kissed and then I took a shower and almost died.

Larxene

Sometimes I think about my mother. I remember a time when I was about five, and she gave me a pony. Yeah. A pony. I don't know why, either; my father said horses were not appropriate for young ladies of breeding.

It was totally stupid, because I'm not a 'young lady of breeding.' I'm the daughter of two people who got rich on accident – they won the lottery and then spent very little for the rest of their short (thanks to me) lives.

You know. Other than buying things that would make me seem like a fucking debutante instead of the small-town nobody I should have been.

But that's not what I think about. I don't think about their money or their deaths on a regular basis. But I do think about that pony.

It was a very docile animal, despite being young. She was a birthday present. I named her Lady Lightning, but I called her Bolt for short; and I was always really excited on the days I was allowed to ride her.

She was my first friend. She was the light of my life. And whenever I'd get scared by thunder, I would tell myself it was a good thing because thunder and lightning go together.

And then, of course, my mom went batshit insane. She decided to 'train' me, using something like a shock collar – when my dad found out, he got mad at her, and when they started yelling I ran out to see Bolt. I was so upset about everything that I started crying on her neck.

My mom found me next morning curled up sleeping by Bolt, and according to my dad she tried to bite my mom when she came close to me. She was gone by that afternoon. I never really forgave my mother for that.

This situation kind of reminds me of that one. Kind of. There's Roxas, the light of my life. Then there's Axel, who took him away. I made the mistake of telling Marluxia about this earlier today and he asked me what I can learn from this. In this irritatingly patronizing tone of voice.

I know what the right answer is. I'm not brainless. The right answer is that I should stop putting all my eggs in one basket, and I should learn to let go. Blah, blah, blah. But honestly, that's not my real answer.

All I could think was, "People are jackasses and so are you." But I didn't say that because I punched him again yesterday and I'm too surprised he still puts up with me to really feel comfortable spewing out random shit like that.

So now I'm at Gipetto's, sitting next to Axel and across from Roxas. I still feel like maybe this is the close of some phase in my life and I don't want it to be. I don't want it to end. I'd rather slit my own throat than admit it, though.

"The food is good," Axel says, and I've never wanted to mutilate him more. How dare he? This is not just dinner. In a way this is either a hello or a goodbye and he actually has the gall to comment about the food?

"I suppose," Roxas replies. He looks at me and something in his expression frustrates me. I can tell he's thinking the same thing as me, but he isn't saying anything. Maybe he isn't. But I think he is. Besides, I'd rather be right because I hate being wrong almost as much as I hate losing.

"You two are shitheads," I toss out, and a woman at a neighboring table gives me a shocked and insulted look. I flip her off and make a kissy face, which makes Axel laugh and Roxas roll his eyes. I know by now that means he's just as amused as we are.

"But seriously," I say. "You're asses. What did we come here for?"

No one says anything for a moment. Then Roxas clears his throat and says, "It's okay, Larx."

I don't really know what's 'okay.' But for the first time I don't believe him at all. Not one little bit. Because I still love him and I wish I could tell him. Fuck, I'm such a sentimental idiot when it comes to him. He's bad for my health but I can't stop. He's like an addiction. I want to tell him.

Axel notices. Of course he does. I knew it would be pointless to try and hide it from him. "Don't, Larx," he says. But not sharply. More like he wishes he didn't have to do this. But that's stupid; I've been right all along. He's been in love with Roxas all along. So he can't possibly wish that.

Roxas watches us warily and for some reason I have a bad feeling about everything. If Roxas finds out…well, I almost feel sorry for Axel, because he's much more dependant on Roxas' happiness and friendship than I am. But I think by now, it's impossible to feel sorry for anyone. It's like Roxas is taking all my feelings because he doesn't have any and I don't have enough to give and keep them at the same time.

"Just spit it out," he says suddenly.

Axel frowns. "Spit what out?"

"Whatever secret you're keeping from me. Are you two together, or something? That's not going to upset me."

He only makes things that clear, though, when he's scared or pissed or both. It isn't ever good, but especially in this situation it's really bad.

"Well-"

"We're both in love with you," I say, cutting off Axel. He was going to mess it up. Anything he said would only make the situation worse when Roxas found out, and he would find out because he's not an idiot.

Roxas' eyebrows are up high. He wasn't expecting that, I can tell. Axel looks like he wants to murder me. Maybe that's a good idea.

Roxas sets his napkin down gently and stands up gracefully. Very controlled. "I fucking hate you."

And he's leaving us, like I knew he would.

"Way to go," Axel murmurs, but it's not malicious. More like tired and sad. Don't. He can't do this to me.

"You were going to fuck it up."

"I know."

I wasn't expecting that. I was expecting him to argue. I wanted him to argue. I wanted to fight with him. But he just sighs and takes my hand over the table and I suddenly realize:

We both lost, and we're in it together.

The walk home is taking forever but I don't know how to face The Family. Kairi seems really protective, even though she's not well and hasn't really seen him for a long time, and Naminé will probably hate me too. Not that it's a huge problem, but still…

She was the closest thing I've ever had to a female friend.

This is why I never bothered to make bonds until Axel. Because I hate being alone, but it's honestly better than losing the people you counted on to make you less lonely.

Axel goes off to the couch and I go off to the bedroom, like usual.

Maybe it would have been better if I never met either of them.

Axel

I wish I could blame Larx for this mess. Two nights ago was supposed to be a big piece of duct tape around us, a way for us to become like Before. But Roxas…

I could blame her. Hell, I could even blame him. But it's not that. It's whatever happened before, whatever happened with his crazy parents to make him think like he does. What could possibly possess a parent to say something like that, even if they thought it? If nothing else, weren't they afraid someone would find out and take their other kids away?

I think maybe Larxene is finally rubbing off on me, because I am seriously wanting to kill those fuckers right now. But they're already dead, and that doesn't help at all. Vengeance is only good if the offender is still alive.

Roxas is nowhere to be found but I think that's to be expected. I know he's not in trouble; he can take care of himself, physically, better than Larx can and better than I can. I might have been as strong as an ox when I was dancing, but I don't think even at my peak I was as strong as him.

But I'm a little worried about his mental state. After what happened back in Traverse Town, I have no idea what to expect. Everything's been turned on its head.

I'm sitting on his bed right now, his pillow in my hands because if I close my eyes he's here. If I close my eyes he's sitting beside me, just being quiet, because his pillow smells like him and wow, this is pathetic.

I don't know where Larxene is either but I wonder if maybe she's doing something just as pathetic. I hope so. Misery loves company and so does idiocy.

All of a sudden there's a noise and Roxas is here. He's looking at my chest like he's surprised and we're back to when he wouldn't look me in the eye.

Now he's walking to the adjoined bathroom and I know I have to catch him, have to find out what he's thinking. It's the only way I can truly leave this. If he doesn't want anything to do with me, at least I'll know I've tried. I'll never get over him but I'll have closure, maybe.

The door shuts but I burst through and he's caught with his shirt half off, covering his face. I yank it off and catch his arms – he's stronger than me but even with his strength he's no match for the wrestling hold Larxene taught me combined with my adrenaline. I don't think he's been eating for the past two days either, so he's already weak.

"Get off!"

He's squirming like he's in pain but I just tighten my grip and reply, "No."

For some reason that makes him stop fighting. Instead he squeezes his eyes shut and turns his head away from the mirror in front of us. Probably so he doesn't have to look at me.

"Roxas, open your eyes." I don't really know what I'm doing here or where it's coming from but I think I'm just going to act on instinct for this one. Otherwise I'll be stuck and I really don't want to be stuck.

He shakes his head.

"Why not? What are you afraid of, anyway? It can't be me; you have no problem with me any other time." I lower my voice, going for something like cajoling. "What's up?"

"Let. Go." His voice is low and angry and his eyes are still shut tight. I try to focus on the fact that I might be getting somewhere instead of how amazingly sexy he looks when he's dangerous.

"Open your eyes and maybe we can work out a deal."

So he does. He opens his eyes and turns his head some more, so it's completely hidden by his hair, and I realize what he's avoiding at the moment.

"C'mon, look up."

His whole body stiffens and he starts to struggle again. "You said! Let go!"

I know he's too absorbed in whatever he's feeling right now because he's not speaking quite coherently. "Look up, Roxas. Just for a minute."

He still refuses so I put my arms through the loops his arms make and grab his head again. He's probably going to hate me, but he does already so even though I might even be signing my own death warrant at least I'll go out helping him.

He closes his eyes as soon as his head is up, but he can't close them forever. One of the things I know about him is that he hates to have his eyes closed for any long period of time. He says it makes his eyes feel awful.

"Look. Tell me what you see."

I wait, and then he opens his eyes.

"I see you."

That's a little confusing, since he's in front of me, but he looks so frustrated and almost helpless so I ignore the confusion, because he's more important than me right now.

"What else?"

"The wall. The bathroom. What the hell are you doing, jackass?"

"Wanna know what I see?"

He jerks so hard he almost breaks my wrist. "No."

"I see you and me," I say, ignoring the pain I wish was in a different situation. "I see me and an amazing person. I see red and blond. But most of all, I see two guys. One is beautiful and one is not, but if you take away the faces it's just two guys."

I actually only have a small idea what I'm talking about, but it seems to do something to him and I know I was right: he hates looking at himself. It makes him remember why he's different.

"I hate you."

"I know."

"I'm going to…"

I frown. What?

"Going to…?"

"Fuck off, Axel."

He closes his eyes again and puts his feet against the sink, pushing back against me and knocking us both to the floor. But that was dumb on his part because even if I had wanted to let go, now I can't.

"The hell is your problem, Roxas? What are you doing? How many times does someone have to fall in love with you before you realize it's possible? How many hearts are you going to break? How much are you willing to fucking lose?!"

I'm crying by now both from the physical pain of hitting my head on the towel rack and some feeling I can't name, which is pathetic but maybe he needs it. Maybe he needs to see that he's destroying this on purpose, like he's always said he doesn't want to do. Or maybe I need it more after all.

"You were the one I needed! You weren't supposed to…you're special!"

I have no idea what he's talking about but I think this is important. I think that no matter what happens now, we can't ever be what we used to be. We can't ever go back.

"I'm not special," I say. I'm going for calm but even to myself I sound shaky and almost frantic. "I'm just-"

"You are the only one who would come back."

And it hits me. All those times he looked uncomfortable when I watched him…the mindless dancing and the silence in the car…the way he touches me and only me. They all mean something. It's all connected.

"Of course I would," I promise. "It's not going away, no matter how hard either of us pretend."

Suddenly he's stiff, and then completely boneless, and then normal again.

He rolls off me and gets up after some struggling because of our awkward position, and waits for me to stand. We walk out together, lie down together. He faces away from me and I look at the way his back moves when he breathes.

What if we'd never met? Would I have this sick sort of helplessness about someone else, or is it just Roxas I can't let go of? Would I be happier or completely miserable? Would I have ever learned what it was like to love someone, or to have a broken heart? Would Larxene still be my friend?

I just can't imagine any of that, because none of those scenarios have Roxas in them and I can't imagine a life without Roxas.

Suddenly he whispers, "I love you, Axel."

But I don't have to. And I think I should have seen this coming, but I was busy trying to pretend I was okay with the fact that he would never feel about me what I feel about him and pretending it was okay that he and Larx had something I didn't really want but would have taken, just to be closer to him.

But he loves me. He said it out loud. He probably won't ever say it again. But still…

"I know."