X
Larxene
Marluxia.
I have only once wanted to kill a man as much as I want to kill him, and that was my father. I think now I understand why Naminé was so hurt by him.
No, he hasn't really changed. He's still as charming and alluring as ever. But I have changed, and I wouldn't have noticed these weird things otherwise. Like how he only pretends to be happy or interested. It's not that he's feeling something different. It's just like he doesn't feel anything at all. And the things he's said to me lately…
Why the fuck would I care about this Xehanort guy, and why would I want to bump off his brother? I guess if I had no one else I'd go along for the ride, because I do like a good violent intrigue and I'll never deny being a sadist, but I do have other people. Not very good people. But good enough to not go around killing people without Axel, at least, because he won't do anything without Roxas.
I do know Marluxia is very devious and intelligent; that's one of the things that drew me to him even after I found out who he really was. And I don't think he'd appreciate more people in his little plan and besides, his heartless gestures are starting to piss me off.
I think of myself as a pretty heartless individual, but I think maybe in his case it's true. I at least am actually attracted to people, but he…is only attracted to using people.
I think I'm a hypocrite for hating it.
Yeah. I go through times when I can't really feel a whole lot – usually it's when I am dealing with something unpleasant, or when I'm trying too hard to be somebody even though I'm nobody. But even at my most blank moments, I've at least been able to be angry.
Like now.
And I really hope everyone will leave me alone today.
"Larxene," says a quiet voice from the doorway, and this time I don't bother to hold back.
"Get the fuck out of here, Naminé. I'm giving you a ten second warning before I claw your eyes right out of their little sockets."
I wouldn't claw her eyes out. They're too pretty. But I'd hurt her. It's really appealing right now; she's the reason we left Traverse Town. She's the reason I met Marluxia. She's the only person to scare me completely out of my mind. And she's the only girl I might be able to call 'friend,' so it's like an initiation anyway, right? Wait, I don't have to justify myself. It's just who I am.
She doesn't leave, but she sounds even more timid. "You seem distressed."
"Yeah, I am distressed! So get out, or I swear, I'll-"
"I wouldn't mind."
That throws me for a loop. Is she sick or something? I know there are masochists out there, the freaks who even like pain outside of sex – hell, I suspect Axel's one of them, deep down – but this is ridiculous. And if she wouldn't mind, that takes away from the thrill of hurting her.
"Get out."
Instead of doing what I say, she sits down on the bed next to me. For some reason this scares me again, so I scoot away and lie down. I can't let her know I'm scared of her.
"What's wrong?"
"You."
She frowns, but not in an angry way. In a contemplative way. Fuck. I really want her gone, but hurting her is suddenly my last priority. I hate her.
"I guess I am wrong, most of the time. I'm not the best at making decisions by myself. I can only feel confident when I'm flying. You're so much stronger than me."
"I know that. Obviously you're not very smart; I'm pretty damn sure I told you to get out, at least twice."
"I know. But I want to be strong like you…so I'm going to stand my ground. I think you need…someone to listen?"
The end is a question and I can't help but scoff at her pathetic display. She's ducking her head, watching me with her peripheral vision because she's too scared of me to look me in the eye.
"No."
"Well, I…" She shakes her head. "Maybe I was wrong about this, too. Maybe you're just like him, after all."
I'm pretty sure I know what she's talking about and I'm not angry, because I'm so shocked she'd actually come right out and insult me like that. "What?"
"Like Marluxia. I was too weak for him, too-"
"I'm nothing like that fucker," I almost growl, even though she's right. I am like him.
She jumps, like she's startled. Ugh. "Do you know him?"
"Unfortunately."
She frowns that thoughtful frown again and then asks quietly, "Is he the reason you're so frustrated?"
"Yeah." I don't know why I'm bothering to be honest with her, but at least she knows how irritating and intimidating that man is. "I met him when we first got here but I didn't know it was him, and now, I…"
"You're trapped."
"Yeah; when I found out, I kept thinking…maybe he was just like that with Naminé, maybe he'll be different with me. Maybe I'm strong enough to overpower him; maybe he really does feel something for me like he says. He's good in bed, too."
She looks away again and I see her face go pink. It makes me remember the first time we met, when I thought she was pretty enough to kiss. Her face was flushed then, too.
The memory is unwanted and makes me angry.
"He does know how to understand emotion," she says, quieter than she was before. "But I don't think he ever truly feels it."
"What? Why? I think he…actually, it's like…I don't even know."
"He's a sociopath." Her voice is stronger now.
"A what?"
"Well, maybe. I don't know for sure. It's hard to diagnose anyway, and I'm certainly not a professional. But it looks that way to me. The way he plays with people's emotions-"
"I do that too," I point out.
"But you do it because you enjoy it…that makes you happy. Or at least alive. He just does it because he wants to watch what happens. You inflict…pain…because it gives you a thrill. He does it because he's bored, mostly, and because he wants to control people."
Now her voice is earnest and her face is too. I raise an eyebrow. "That's pretty much the same thing, little girl. How would you know me, anyway?"
"I don't." She looks away and takes a deep breath, but her voice is stronger than I've ever heard it when she says, "But I want to. You've helped me become stronger, even if you didn't mean to. You've helped me with my addiction, even if you didn't mean to. I thought I hated you, when I was going through withdrawals and craving and you wouldn't even let me leave the house. I knew you were doing it because you wanted to hurt me. But still, I realize…I know I'm really…"
I know where this is going. The sexual side of me is telling me to kiss her like she wants me to. Like I want to. But the logical side says it's not only stupid, but it will hurt me in the end. The two sides of me hate each other right now and they're fighting over her…
Like always, my sexual side wins.
Roxas
I have always known three things about myself. I know I'm different, and not in a good way. I know I'm good-looking, because my parents planned it that way. And I know I'm selfish.
That's why even though I don't deserve someone like Axel, someone different in a good way, I'm keeping him. He belongs to me – or so he says. If that means I get to have his heartbeat always, and he doesn't constantly tell me he loves me, then I don't care what he calls it.
I still hate the words 'I love you.' I still can't remember why, but they make my stomach drop unpleasantly like I'm falling fifty feet without a parachute.
But he makes me feel like eight, like thirteen, and I know now that's love. Now that I know I don't have to think about it any more. I can focus on other things. Things that will not make me rethink what I've decided about him.
He's not home today; it's a strange reversal. Usually I am the one who comes home to him waiting for me, since I have to take notes and reports and charts into the office thrice a week. I don't know where he is but I'm not worried. Besides, since Sora is downtown today, I now have time to spend one-on-one with my sisters.
Naminé looks like she's glowing, though I'm not sure why. She's been so moody since we arrived, presumably because of withdrawals and being virtually locked up in her own house, but something must have happened because she looks truly happy for the first time I can remember; and she's just sitting on the sofa silently.
Kairi is sitting in the big rocking chair by the fireplace. It's a gas fireplace and for some reason it doesn't work any more, but Xion drew a picture of a fire for 'Aunt Axel' and taped it to the glass. Kairi decided to sit there because it makes Xion happy; she's sitting by Naminé's feet and smiling.
Alice is in Naminé's lap and sucking her thumb, even though she's not a baby any more. The whole thing reminds me of how a happy family should look. I don't fit here but I think maybe I could, someday. If Larxene and Axel accepted me into their little 'family,' then maybe my sisters could do the same.
"Penny for your thoughts, Roxas," Naminé says, before putting her hand to her mouth like it's something she wasn't supposed to say.
"You're a perfect family."
Kairi smiles at me – a charming, soft expression that reminds me of thirteen but is only one tenth shy. "No, we're a perfect family. We can't be perfect without our big brother here with us."
Maybe that's acceptance?
"I am." I think that was the right thing to say, because Kairi is smiling at me like I just gave her a gift.
"I thought you wanted to leave us behind forever. I wouldn't have blamed you, Roxas. But…" Naminé sighs with a little smile and continues, "I'm glad you came back. Are you and Axel staying?"
That has never occurred to me before. I always thought, in the back of my mind, that we'd go back to Traverse Town with Larxene, or maybe even go somewhere new, but I think that might be a bad idea; we aren't the same as we used to be. "I don't know."
"Did you have other plans?"
"No. I didn't think about it."
But now that I'm thinking about it, I don't know if I like the idea of so much change. It's happened without our noticing, and to think that I lost so much control…nothing awful happened, now that I look back (aside from the fiasco at Gipetto's), but I didn't even realize.
Xion stands up and runs to me, holding out her arms and still clutching her crayons and drawing paper. "Stay, Roxas!" I think of the two little ones she's the more perceptive. I don't pick her up; it still feels very weird to touch anyone besides Axel, outside of sex.
Instead, I nod at her and tell her, "I'll think about it, okay?"
"Aunt Axel, too?"
That makes me laugh. "He's not a girl, Xion. You know that."
She sticks out her bottom lip. "He's still Aunt Axel," she says, crossing her arms.
Kairi laughs and Naminé smiles hugely. It is funny, after all, and Xion is as stubborn as I am. I have a feeling he'll be Aunt Axel for a long time.
And now I realize we can't leave. Not for good, anyway. We all have found things here, things I think we probably don't want to leave behind. I wonder what Larxene will say.
Suddenly there's a sound in the hall and Sora pops through the sitting-room door. He gives everyone a huge grin and goes over to Kairi. It looks like someone lit him on fire, he's going so fast.
He sits on his knees on the floor by Kairi's chair and grabs her hand, kissing the back of it. "How're you doing, Beautiful?"
Kairi reaches up to touch the side of her head, which is now fuzzy, and blushes a tiny bit. "Sora, don't say such embarrassing things! But I'm good. Better, now that you're here."
His smile only gets bigger and he sits back a little. "Oh, good. Because I have a huge favor to ask."
She shakes her head but she's smiling. "What do you need?"
"Well…see, since you went into the hospital again, I've been thinking about…what I could never live without, and I remembered someone important right away. Thinking about losing them was so depressing that I decided to go out and buy something. I remembered you telling me shopping makes everything better, you know. I found something really pretty today, so I got it. But it's not…well, actually, it turned out to look really bad on me, so…"
He digs something out of his pocket and holds it up. It's a ring; silver, with a small diamond set into the top. "Will you wear it for me? And possibly change your name to Kairi Keystone? I told you, it's a huge favor. But it would make me really happy."
She gets tears in her eyes, which is a little surprising since I know what her answer is going to be. "Sora, you goofball!"
He just grins at her, holding the ring out. "Yes, dear?"
Now she's laughing through her tears. "Of course I will!"
"That's great! I'm glad. I'm so happy! And a million other joyful phrases!" Sora hugs her knees and then stands up to kiss her. The way he kisses her is gentle and meaningful and it makes me want to hide away, so I bite down on the knuckle of my forefinger to keep calm.
When he asked me if he could propose to her, I didn't understand. I thought he would just ask her. He never needed my permission because even though Kairi's only eighteen and I'm her older brother, she's still an adult who may not have much time left.
He told me he just wanted permission to marry into the family, and that he asked Naminé as well. I didn't expect it to go like this, though, with the kisses and the whole family in the room. Naminé is smiling at them and hugging Alice on her lap, and I don't know how to react.
Xion holds a picture up; she's just drawn it. It shows our whole family; Naminé, Kairi, Alice, me, Xion herself – and Axel, Larxene, Riku, and Sora. We all have scribble-smiles on our faces.
"Our family is big," she whispers. "D'you like it? I used Aunt Naminé's crayons from when she was me."
"Yes." I do like the picture. It reminds me of the drawing Naminé gave me, but this one doesn't have any dead people in it. Only happy. And my hands are connected to Axel's and Larxene's, like they are supposed to be. Like they have been until just recently.
I leave the room, because I have a sudden feeling which makes me react in a weird way. It makes me feel like nine; not quite perfect, but better than ten. And my chest feels weak or maybe too strong. It makes my stomach feel like there are bats inside, flying around and tickling the walls.
Naminé follows me, leading Xion and Alice by the hands. "Good idea," she says. "They needed some alone time."
"Xion likes your crayons," I reply, because I don't know what else to say but the scenario still seems incomplete.
"I think she idolizes me a little." She leans forward. "I graduated from crayons to colored pencils when I was fifteen. Ever since she's been able, she likes to sit with me and draw."
"Oh."
"I really am glad you're here," she whispers. "You, Axel, and…Larxene…" Her face turns a very light red. I don't know why but I don't think it matters much.
"Me too."
It's not a lie.
Axel
I think I might have died. I hope not, but there's no other explanation for the absolutely perfect feeling in the air right now.
Kairi is swept up in preparations for her wedding, Roxas keeps letting me touch him and isn't avoiding me even after that big disaster in the bathroom, and now Larx is talking to us again. She has some disturbing news, but honestly I'm just glad we are finally fixing the rift between us. I might not like her sometimes and she is always Bitch Queen, but she's just a part of Us. I can't stand it when we're not Us.
"So I told him I'd think about it," she says, leaning on the table with her elbows. Larx, Roxas and I are at the smoothie shop, sharing a Paopu smoothie. The cashier told us the people you share it with will be connected to you forever. Intertwined destinies and all that. None of us actually care about the legend but it tastes so good that it wouldn't matter anyway.
"Well what are you thinking?"
She gives me a weird look. "There's nothing in it for me. And apparently he thinks Sora and Naminé will cooperate with him if he gets me involved – only hell knows why he wants them, since Naminé is so small and Sora probably won't do anything that takes him away from Kairi."
"Or Riku," Roxas says neutrally. But behind his words I know there is something else. Not a nice feeling.
"Really? That brat?"
I think it's funny she calls Riku a brat when they are the same age.
"Yes. They are like us, but Riku will always be left out. He is attracted to Sora, but they will never be together again."
She almost spits out her smoothie when she laughs. "Wait, those two…ew. Just ew. I figured Sora for the straightest straight guy ever. And Riku…well, he's definitely not my favorite. Fucking whiny bitch."
I have to smile at that. I can admit I don't like his sullen attitude, but he doesn't grate on my nerves. My biggest problem is that he hurt Roxas, but if he can put that in the past I can too. To be honest, I think Riku and I are more alike than anyone else would care to admit.
"He isn't whiny," Roxas defends. I'm not sure why; I know Riku, at least, has tried to apologize, but Roxas hasn't really let go. Larx raises an eyebrow – I'm jealous of the way she makes it look good – and Roxas clarifies, "He doesn't express his gloom verbally. It just shows."
"Yeah, I guess so. Still a bitch though."
"Naminé likes him well enough," I point out. I'm not defending him, really, but I have a theory and I want to see if it's true.
Sure enough, she looks to the side. It's almost unnoticeable, but I can tell she's embarrassed. No one else could, though. Maybe Roxas. "Yeah, well, she's not the best judge of character."
Roxas shrugs. "She likes you."
Now I can tell Larxene's embarrassed because she scowls and clenches her fist, like she wants to hit him. Or something nearby. Like me. I shift away slightly; she glares at me next, but doesn't move to punch me so I'm safe for now.
"That doesn't count. Everyone likes me. They're just too embarrassed to admit it."
I try to hide my laugh but she catches it. "Don't try me, jackass. I have my switchblade in my pocket."
"Oh, Larxie-darling, you're scaring me. Have you taken your meds today?"
She flicks me hard, but we're all laughing. And I'm so relieved that between the three of us, things are going back to normal.
And now I can harass her about Naminé.