XI

Roxas

I can hardly believe the stories Larxene has been telling us lately. I knew this Marluxia was not a good person to be with, because Naminé told us, but I had no idea that Larxene was also involved with him. I had no idea how deep the strangeness ran.

It's a very different strangeness from mine. He seems to be calculated because that's just how he does things, not because he couldn't cope otherwise. He sounds a bit like Larx, but she has a completely different reason to do the things she does. She's so laid back about the killing thing so she doesn't have to feel guilty about killing her parents. From what she and Naminé say, I've gathered that he's so laid back because he doesn't have guilt.

Maybe I'm wrong. But even though I can see myself killing people, I can't see myself doing it without some justification. It's a stupid idea to kill someone if it's not part of your job description (or self-defense). I think the guilt would rip apart even someone like me.

Something tells me he does have his reasons, though. I'm almost intrigued. But even if he does, I would never let him near Naminé. Not after he hurt her so much.

I wish I could meet him, though. I don't know why; I know he's not the kind of person I can usually tolerate (Larx is the exception). I know Naminé thinks he's a sociopath. But maybe that's why I want to meet him. I want to know if we're the same. If he's really a sociopath or if he's so full it feels empty and it just comes across that way.

But maybe that isn't such a good idea. If nothing else, it will make Larxene angry and I don't want to ruin what we just fixed. Five months ago I would have done it anyway, because I thought if something went wrong no one would miss me. I thought they would be fine without me. But now things are different. And I can't ruin the good things right now.

Like Christmas. It's early and I'm still laying on my bed staring up at the ceiling, watching the breeze swing the cord again. But soon Axel will wake up and we'll go wake Naminé and Larxene and Kairi. I know Xion and Alice are already up; I can hear them talking in their room, which is next to mine.

I don't really know why we celebrate Christmas. We're not Christian – apparently, Kairi and Naminé even went through a point in their lives where they studied Wicca, though they never initiated – and none of us care about tradition. But maybe it's just an excuse to buy stuff for each other.

Sora told a story last night, about places called Halloween Town and Christmas Town. In it, a skeleton named Jack tried to take Santa's job. It was entertaining for the little girls, but I think mostly it shows that he's the most excited for Christmas. Riku, though, will probably be excited too. Or at least pretend, for Sora. I wonder what he'll be thinking when he's the best man for Sora's wedding when he really wants to be in Kairi's place.

Axel is shifting a little, saying my name, which means he's on the verge of waking up. I just wait. And he opens his eyes slowly, probably because the light of the sun is shining right through the windows.

"Morning," he says. I like his voice like that, soft with sleep and happy to be alive. He usually doesn't sound like that.

I nod. He laughs and sits up, looking at me. "Happy Christmas."

"Happy Christmas."

"You look pretty horrible," he comments. "Did you not sleep last night?"

I sit up too and scoot forward. "No."

He suddenly puts his arms around me from behind, in a tight but not tight gesture. I still don't know how to handle it, but I'm getting used to it anyway.

So I just lean back, for once. There's something really nice about being able to have someone's arms around me without sex or some feeling of fear, which comes out as anger. I don't know what I'm afraid of. Maybe it's not fear at all. I don't know what it is; I just know I don't like it.

"You should sleep more," he says. He whispers into the back of my neck and I can feel his breath there. Even though the room is a little hot, it makes me shiver a little and I wonder why. His breath is warm so it shouldn't make me cold like that.

"I'm cold," I say. That has to be the explanation. Maybe I'm getting sick.

"Then I'll warm you up." His breath is still on my neck and I shiver again. It's strange, because I've never experienced a good shiver. But this is a good shiver. Maybe I'm not cold, at all. But I don't know what else it could be.

I don't say anything. Axel doesn't either. Instead, he puts his lips at the base of my neck lightly and then moves them to a spot just under that, and keeps repeating until he gets to the neckline of my shirt.

My skin itches horribly.

Axel won't let me scratch it away, though. He's caught my arms and now I'm stuck with my skin crawling and no way to get the sensation off. I try to struggle, and I could get away if it wasn't for the new little part of me that says I should trust Axel. I've never trusted anyone before, not like that. And it's not a pleasant idea.

"What is it with you and scratching your skin off, anyway?"

"You make me feel weird," I say. That's the best I can do; I can't even describe it to myself. Not even using numbers instead of words. The closest thing I can get is eight, without thirteen, but that doesn't even make sense to me.

"A bad weird?"

I have to think about this for a minute. It's not a bad weird. I hate it when my skin crawls like this because I know it comes before that other sensation. The one I get when I'm about to have sex with Larxene, after she's managed to bring it up in me. It would be a good weird, maybe, if I understood it. But I don't.

"…I don't think so."

"Well, good." He doesn't let go my arms but he starts kissing again, sideways along the neckline of my shirt and along the place where the neck muscle knots up. I suddenly want to do something to him. Maybe to show him the weird sensation, so he can understand what I'm talking about.

So I turn around, slowly, and look at his eyes. I know he likes that, and I'm starting to like it as well. It seems intimate, more intimate than anything else we could possibly think of. I lean close, carefully, and kiss the place over his heart, and I imagine I can hear it beating even though it's not really true. The only heartbeat I can hear is mine, skipping all over the place like a disproportionate super-ball in a small space.

He lets go of my hands. Maybe I could get up, run out, scratch all of this away. But I see his eyes and I know he's trying to trust me, like I'm trying to trust him, and I know I can't do that. So I keep going up his chest and neck, and I put my hands on his stomach, knotting in the folds of his shirt. My weight pushes him down to the pillow, but he's not resisting, so I think he wants to lie down.

I watch as his eyes close, but only most of the way. He still has a little bit of white showing under his eyelashes, which are red. I don't know why I never noticed that before.

But now I'm at his lips and his hands are sliding up my back, and this isn't gentle any more. It's not harsh, either. I can't think about it too much, not with my mind buzzing like it is.

"Roxas," he says. I like it. I like the way he says it, rough and soft at the same time. Like he's out of breath and trying to tell me something important.

"Say that again."

"Roxas."

I like it even more this time. It sounds more urgent. It sounds like for once, he needs me to do something for him. Not as a friend, but as a caretaker. He's always taken care of me, even though I don't need it, and I want to take care of him for once. Because I never had a friend until I had Axel and Larxene, and Axel is the closest I've ever been to someone. I want to give back the gift he's given me.

Right now I don't know if I could physically handle losing him, or if my skin would crawl right off my body. The thought almost makes me stop what I'm doing. I shouldn't need anyone.

And I never knew it was possible, for me to need anybody, until Kairi went into the hospital. Until I scratched too hard and almost died. Until he made the numbers go away, even for just a while.

And now, even though it probably isn't true and I would hate for it to be true, he sounds like he's the same way.

So I reply, "Axel." Because nothing could explain that thought anyway, even if I had time to think about how to put it or even figure out what it is.

He makes a noise – the noise you hear when someone bites into a really good apple – and keeps kissing me. It seems like he's trying to eat me, beginning with my mouth. And the crawling is feeling less and less awful, so I really don't think it would bother me if he decided to do it.

But then there's a knock on the door and we separate. He's watching me carefully, looking frustrated, but I can tell it's not at me. I'm a little frustrated, because I think if we had more time I could understand what's going on with me and with Axel. Between us.

"Get up, losers," says Larxene, sticking her head in.

"We're up," I say. Axel scowls at this, though I'm not sure why.

"I noticed." She doesn't sound pleased, but then, she usually doesn't. "Naminé says it's time for presents, and if you miss it, I have permission to kill you."

Axel grins, the knowing one he only uses on special occasions. "Oh, you need Naminé's permission?"

"Of course not. But it makes it easier if the residents of this house don't come after me when I'm through with you two. At least with Naminé on my side, it'll be two against three instead of one against four."

"Uh huh."

Larxene rolls her eyes and slams the door, but I know she's not angry. Axel knows something, and she wants to get away before he starts asking questions. That's what she always does.

"So," he says to me. "I doubt you could give me a better present than just staying here alone together all day, but wait till you see what I got you."

I don't think that was an insult, even though it sounded like one. I think he really does just want to stay here all day. I don't know why, though. I think he would get bored; he can barely sit still for thirty minutes before he needs to move.

Larxene

Axel knows. He knows. Obviously. It's impossible to hide anything from him, now. But he doesn't have to publicize it like that. I really hate him sometimes.

But it's not the kind of hate it probably should be. I know what they were doing in there. I know what they do when they think no one's watching. I know Roxas meets Axel's eyes only, lets Axel touch him, lets Axel see him undressed. I should hate Axel in a much different way than I actually do.

But I think Roxas is even more screwed up than I ever thought. I think there's something wrong, not just with his thinking but with his head. Spending time with Naminé and even Marluxia has led me to realize that the rest of the world doesn't function the way Roxas, Axel and I do. If Naminé is my saving grace - not that I'll ever let another soul know - then at least they can be each other's. I hate losing, hate letting go, but I have some kind of purity they'll never have, even if I never will deserve her.

So at least I've won that way.

She still scares me, though, because of that purity. Sometimes I still think it would be nice to cut her, to watch the blood fall down her white clothes. It would be beautiful.

I don't think she understands, but she wouldn't stop me. I don't know if it's because she's afraid of me - which is a good scenario - or because she genuinely likes me - which is what I'm afraid of. Maybe I'm just afraid of attainable love, like in the song. Maybe that's why I always spend time with people who will never see me like I see them.

It's ironic that no matter how good I am at getting inside others' heads, I still can't figure myself out.

She looks beautiful this morning, in her white nightgown, sitting in the rocker by the drawn-on fire. Alice is on her lap, playing with her new doll, and Naminé has a peaceful smile on. She's looking at Roxas, who is examining Axel's gift - a Rubik's Cube - and scowling, probably because Axel actually remembers the conversation we had almost eight months ago about puzzles and mathematics. Axel has his necklace on, the one with the round spiky charms in red and white and silver. I think it suits him perfectly and I wonder how Roxas knew that; he's not the greatest at color coordination. That's why he wears black all the time, or at least black and white with a little red when he's feeling colorful.

Xion has a little foot-long key, and she's waving it about like a sword. I remember Kairi saying Roxas used to play with those all the time, pretending to fight with no one since he was always kept away from everyone else.

Kairi is sitting on the couch by Sora, who is sitting next to Riku, and they're smiling at something I can't see.

And I'm too scared to open my presents. Naminé got me something, as did Roxas and Axel. Even Kairi and Sora, though it's probably generic because even though I've been living in this house for months, we still know very little about each other.

There's a knock at the door and, surprisingly, Roxas is the one who's going to get it.

There's yelling and the sound of a fist hitting the wall, and it's surprising because Roxas is the one yelling. He usually doesn't yell, because he's more violent than vocal. There isn't any more yelling; now the door is slamming and Roxas is coming back in, scowling.

And now there's Marluxia.

Axel

I'm not thrilled about this turn of events. Naminé looks scared out of her pants and Larxene looks like she wants to kill something, which is bad. And this guy, Marluxia, is only staring at the frozen room, looking at us with an easy smile like we're all just study subjects.

I hate him already.

"You are delightfully devious," he comments. "You truly are a different breed, Larxene."

"Better different than psychotic."

Something runs across his face; I don't know what it is, but it almost looks like curiosity. It's gone now but it's still puzzling me. Maybe he really is a sociopath.

"They're one in the same, don't you think?" He moves and sits down next to her, and waves a hand carelessly. He's dismissing us. "Well, carry on. I just came to visit my lovely girlfriend on Christmas."

Sora clenches his fist and stands. "You can't just-"

"You're not the master of this household, young man. I have business here. I don't take orders from the likes of you."

I can feel Roxas beside me. The feeling is billowing out of him, like heat out of a radiator. It's not frightening because it's anger - I can deal with that - but because I've never seen him feel this much at all.

I don't know how this will end, but I can guess it won't be good.

"Hey, now," I say, trying to diffuse the situation. There is a time for fighting, but this isn't one of them, and for my own sake I'd rather not watch this. I grab Roxas' hand and rub it, to calm him down. "It's Christmas."

"And I only came by to spread the holiday cheer."

If I wasn't so used to lies, I might believe him. As it is, Larxene looks angry, Naminé is shrunk into herself, Kairi looks worried, Riku and Sora both look like they're ready to lash out at him, and Roxas is definitely trying to contain himself.

"I am the master of this house," Roxas says, through his teeth like he's afraid he'll shout. "And I'm telling you to get. Out."

He's very articulate, and I wonder what brought this on. I know he's not on anything. Even though this is the wrong time to be thinking it, I can't help but hope this means he's finally figured himself out.

"As soon as I give my gift to Larxene," he says dismissively. Bastard. "Oh, and I even have one for Naminé, to show there are no hard feelings, at least on my end."

Suddenly Naminé speaks up, clenching her fists. "No feelings at all on your end. There never..." Her voice gets very quiet. "...Never were."

"Oh, darling, you know that's not true. Look, I had this made especially for you!" He holds out a box, and when he opens the top I can see blown glass in the shape of a rose.

She's shrunk back again and now Larx looks more pissed than I've ever seen her. Unless Marluxia doesn't feel pain, either, he's going to regret ever coming here. And I would help her, but my priority is Roxas. I know he'll step in if she's in trouble, and that will be my cue. But right now, if I don't keep him calm, he'll do something he'll regret later.

"Get out," he says quietly.

"Pardon? I couldn't quite hear."

I don't know what he intends to accomplish here - except maybe scaring people, which isn't going as well as he probably thought it would.

"Larxene, darling," he says sadly. "Was what we had ever real? Or did you just lead me on to get revenge for Little Nami?"

"It was real." Then she smirks. "But not on your side. And Marluxia, darling, revenge would do nothing. But this is over, at least until further notice. Now, these people aren't very happy about your being here, so...why don't you leave us be? I'll get in touch with you later."

Anyone who didn't know her would think she is telling the truth. But she's not.

"...I think you're forgetting who's in charge, here," he says coldly. Fuck. This is probably really bad.

Roxas stands, and I do too. "I am. And this is your last warning: get the - get out."

"I advise you to watch your tongue, little one. I'm stronger than you can imagine."

Now Sora's standing, and for once he looks absolutely pissed off. "So am I. You've invaded this house. You've scared and hurt my future sister-in-law, you're scaring the twins, and you're being a jerk. So I'm going to have to escort you outside."

And now he's dragging Marluxia to his feet and out the door. The man looks neutral, but I can tell he's wondering how this came about. Why he can't get away from Sora, who must be at least as strong as Roxas to drag the man out so easily.

I hear the door shut and the locks click. He comes into the room, looks around, and grins cheerfully. "I say we play a game." He looks at Xion, who now has her face buried in Naminé's legs and shaking. "How about hide and seek?"

Sora's a good guy. And for once, I'm glad he's such a cheerful person. A game is what they need, and time to hide is what Roxas needs. I can feel him shaking, from anger or adrenaline or both, and I know he needs time to chill out.

We go to his room and lock the door once Sora starts counting, and Roxas looks relieved. We're lying on the bed, saying nothing, because I don't know what to say and I don't think he does either.

Then he scoots close.

He's hugging me. Just...hugging. And for the first time, I'm confident that no matter what we'll always have each other.

Christ. When did I get so sentimental?