XIII

Roxas

I may be a lot of things. I may be incompetent in the area of emotions. I may be incapable of vocalizing most of my thoughts. But I'm definitely not stupid. So I know that something is wrong. I know that something is missing, and it's not Naminé, so something is missing and it has to do with Larxene. She's not missing. But something in her is missing.

She's sitting on the couch, next to me, silent. It's not the quiet that's tipping me off. I don't even know what it is. It's just that she's not right. There's something…

I'd call it a feeling, but you can't feel other people. I can't feel myself half the time, so it's not a feeling. I just know. I just know there's something wrong.

But I don't know how to ask, and she's not telling.

"Roxas?"

I look at her jaw line, admiring it. She's very pretty. But I already knew that. "What?"

"What would you do if you found out Axel had killed someone?"

"I would ask why," I say honestly.

"What if he didn't tell you?"

I shrug. "I would forget about it. He's not a killer. There would be a good reason, probably self-defense. He probably wouldn't want to tell me so I wouldn't laugh at him for being in a bad situation in the first place."

She laughs, but it doesn't sound right. It sounds like she is; there's something missing. "What would Kairi say if she found out Sora had killed something?"

"I don't know. I'm not her." I don't know where all this is coming from. She knows I'm not Kairi, and she knows Axel would never kill anyone. But I don't know how to ask. This is happening more and more often and I don't know if it's because I'm having a harder time understanding, or if I just have more questions.

"I…" I can see her bite her lip. "What would you say if I told you I killed you someone?"

"I would laugh. Because I already know, and it would be a redundant confession."

This time her laugh is a little more natural, and I'm glad. I didn't like the thickness in the room, but it's a little thinner now. It doesn't make me want to raise my shoulders as high as they can go. "Yeah, I guess. I'm just being stupid."

"Probably."

"Hey – Roxas."

I nod.

"For the record, I haven't killed anyone. Except for my parents. I'm just…if I did go through with Marluxia's idea, except I killed Xemnas…what would you do?"

"It doesn't matter to me. If I was normal, then I wouldn't have met you. And killing him won't make us normal."

She suddenly throws herself at me, wraps her arms around me, laughs in a completely different way than I've ever heard her do. It sounds like she just saw someone she missed, or at least it sounds like laughs do in movies when they see someone they missed.

"You're such a sappy idiot," she says.

I kind of want to hit her, or push her off me at least, but I don't. I push away that reaction, that instinct, and put my arms around her too. "And you're no better."

"Whatever. I'm on my period, so I have an excuse."

I look at her, and I don't believe her, but I nod anyway. I think all she needs me to do is pretend everything is the same, or at least better than it really is. "Okay."

We're quiet again, but it doesn't last very long because she starts talking again. I don't know why she keeps talking to me, but maybe it's because she knows I won't say anything unless she wants me to. I can't say anything unless she wants me to.

"Marluxia was playing us all from the very beginning," she says. "Naminé…even at the beginning. When we weren't here. He was grooming her into the perfect victim, the reason Sora would do what he said. But then it didn't go the way he wanted, because you weren't around. He couldn't explain it to them without an example they could relate to. But then we came, and I went looking for him. I swear, I was just gonna knife the fucker and leave, but then he introduced himself as Lumaria and then…ah, I don't even know why I stayed even when I knew who he was. He was just…well, Naminé gets it, anyway. But then he started getting weirder and brought up the murder and all of a sudden it wasn't just about sex and…replacing you. Suddenly it was…just crazy."

I decide to ignore the part about replacing me, because I don't really understand what she's talking about.

"And I mean, your sister…I never thought she…of course, then I just – she's really soft, and I was so sca – frustrated. But she told me she wouldn't mind, if I…and I don't get it. I hate not getting shit. But it's not…and now, I think maybe Marluxia…I don't know. I think he might just do it. I can't decide if I'm upset because he played us all from the very beginning, or if I hate him for bring Naminé and me into it, or if…if I'm angry at him because I thought there really was something between us, you know? At least I wanted there to be, maybe I just wanted to think there was. I hate losing control of things. I just…would you hate me if I killed someone for no reason?"

I blink. Most of her speech didn't make sense at all, but I don't think it matters. The question is if I would hate her. And the answer is easy.

"Why would I?"

"Because, like Axel said, it's just murder. Nothing pretty or rational about it. Just…just murder."

Something just hit me. I don't know what it is, and I can't grab hold, but even though I don't know why, I know what to say. "You don't have to hate Marluxia if you don't want. He's just like us…right?"

She doesn't say anything. We're just sitting in silence now and I know she probably won't say anything. I wouldn't say anything either, and not just because I don't like speaking. Even if I could understand myself all the time, I don't think I could think of an answer to a riddle like that.

I don't even know why I said it.

Axel

It's funny…I never thought, in a million years, that things would just right themselves. And they haven't, but for some reason I now wish they would. Maybe not; maybe I'm just being sentimental and retarded again. But it just seems that way. And I don't think it matters much, at this point. Whatever happens will happen, and as long as I keep myself – and Roxas – away when (or if) shit hits the fan, I shouldn't care what happens. But I do. I don't want things to get insane. I just want it to be…I don't know what I want it to be. Normal, maybe.

"Something on your mind?"

I don't know why I like talking to Kairi. We don't have anything in common, other than Roxas, and even our loving Roxas is different. Maybe that's why. She's looking at me curiously and playing with the ends of her very short hair, and I think it might just be because she actually wants to know what I think. It's a weird sort of friendship I'm not so sure I can call friendship.

"Yeah, I guess." I shrug. "Just thinking about Roxas."

She smiles. "Okay. Other than Roxas, what's on your mind?"

This, I have to laugh at. "Larxene. You. Just…just life in general, I guess. What's going to happen?"

"I have no idea. But it's no use worrying ourselves to death."

"Yeah…I guess you'd know, huh?"

She gives me a very gentle pat on my hand, which is strange but not…bad. I'm kinda wondering how we got to this point, where I can sit across from Kairi at the kitchen table, talking to her about stuff I wouldn't ever talk about with Larxene. Not even Roxas.

"Yes, actually. For a long time, I've known that I'm going to die before anyone else, unless there's an accident. For a while, I was resistant to the idea; I don't think anyone really wants to die. To some people it seems like a better solution to suffering, but…I don't believe anyone really wants to leave before they're ready. But then I realized something: whether or not I want it to happen, it's going to. I'd spent so much time dreading it that I didn't appreciate what I already had. So I decided to stop worrying and trust in the people I love. I decided that instead of just waiting – instead of just worrying – I was going to get ready. So that when I die, I won't have any regrets."

I'm looking at her a little differently right now. She's still just the little sister of the person I love, and maybe even a friend. I knew she was happier than most people would be, if they could feel themselves die, but I didn't really know why. I always thought it was older people you were supposed to talk to if you wanted to talk about life, but maybe it doesn't matter. Maybe you just have to talk to someone who knows about death.

"How'd…how did you figure that out," I ask. My voice sounds retarded, stupidly breathy. It really shouldn't, because there's no reason. I'm not completely blown away, just surprised.

"My mother will never be remembered as a good woman," she says carefully. "She was afraid of my father, and over the years it made her spiteful. She never treated Roxas right, even though in the beginning she wanted to. But we had a conversation, before Roxas left, and it stuck in my head. She said that she wished she could go back and fix things, because all the guilt was tearing at her heart. And that really put it all into perspective for me."

I frown. "Huh?"

"I knew then that I never wanted to have regrets. I didn't want to look back and say I wished I could fix things, because I don't have time. In a situation like this…a situation where all I have to offer, to anyone, is my love – my heart is the greatest gift, and the greatest weapon I have against despair. And I can't give it to anyone if I've already ruined it by looking back in shame."

I think it's sad that a girl who's just barely considered an adult has all this to say when I've never even thought about it before, and I'm probably six or seven years older than her. I'll never pretend I'm wise. Smart, yeah, but not wise like Kairi, and I wonder what I would see if I could put a camera inside Roxas' head. Would he be wise like her, or would he be clueless like me? Or maybe a combination of both?

"That's…really something," I say. But I'm not really saying it. My head is still spinning, and it's really just my mouth saying it.

"There's something else that's really something," she replies. "I want you to walk me down the aisle this weekend. Will you do it?"

I blanch. "What? What about Roxas?"

"He's the best man." She laughs. "It would have been Riku, but he's playing the music while I actually…walk, so Roxas is Sora's best man and I'm left without an escort. I could ask Tidus or Wakka, and I'm sure they'd love to, but…well, I wanted to ask you."

I don't really know what I want but my mouth says "Okay," so it's not like I can just take it back now.

Xion comes rushing into the kitchen, dragging Alice behind her. "Aunt Axel! Go see Uncle Roxas with me! The door is locked and I want to see him!"

I look at Kairi, who is trying to hide a laugh, but I can see it. "Don't laugh at me."

"How could you think I was," she asks, but she's not offended. I'm not, either.

"Let's go see Roxas," I say, waving to Kairi over my shoulder as I leave with the twins.

We're knocking on the door but there's no answer, and I wonder if Roxas is asleep. Fortunately I know how to unlock the door without a key, but if he's really asleep he won't want to see the twins, so I bend down to their level. "Roxas is probably asleep," I tell them. "Do you think you could wait a while before you see him?"

"Aww." Xion frowns but Alice doesn't.

"Okay," she says.

"All right." I pat Xion on the head and stand up straight. "Later, then."

I wait for them to go running back to the kitchen – probably to see Kairi – and now I'm sticking my fingernail into the lock, twisting so it will open.

Roxas isn't asleep, but he is on his bed. His sleeves are pulled up and he's scratching, and I really don't know why he does that but I don't want him to do it any more. So I shut and lock the door behind me and sit down next to him, holding his arms. Sometimes I wonder if he even knows he's doing it.

"What brought this on," I ask, and I notice he's shifting a lot like he's uncomfortable.

"Thinking about you," he mutters.

"Didn't know I was so repulsive," I joke, but it's not really a joke. It's just a cover-up for my confusion. It doesn't make any sense, and not much does when it comes to Roxas, but at least I'm trying.

"No, thinking about you…and it itches. And it's like I want to sleep with you."

…What? Is he – is he saying he does this when –

"You only have to say so," I say. It's kind of hard to breathe right now.

He moves the pillow off his lap and looks down and says, "You don't mind this?"

Of course I don't. I don't know why he thinks I would. So I just pull him on top of me and say, "I could never mind it."

I still can't believe he makes himself bleed to get rid of arousal. But maybe next time I can just kiss it away.

Larxene

I never knew it before, but I hate weddings. They're all procedure and tradition and I keep wondering if Naminé is uncomfortable, because Kairi is the one in white and Naminé has to wear blue. But that's stupid, because I don't care what Naminé thinks. She's good to kiss and good to hold, but she's not important to me. Not at all.

I still wonder what she'd look like covered in blood.

I really can't keep my eyes off her, which is stupid because Kairi's the one getting married so shouldn't she be the pretty one today? The one everyone can't keep their eyes off because she's glowing or whatever retarded thing people say?

Fuck, I'd even take sitting by Marluxia instead of staring at the stupid brat in blue, but I haven't heard from him in a while and he wouldn't be here anyway. He's not stupid enough to come to a wedding uninvited where he'll probably get beat up by Sora, Roxas, and Riku. Maybe Axel even.

I'm pretty sure he's done something ridiculous, but it's not like he isn't. And I'm trying really hard to think about him because I just really don't want to think about Naminé. I don't want to think about what I want to do to Naminé. I don't want to think about what I want to do…with Naminé.

Fuck, she's ruining me. I've never been more scared of her. Or of myself, for that matter.

What the hell is wrong with me?

I hate the smile she's giving me. Hate it. I know it's probably not for me; Kairi and Sora just kissed, they're married, she's just happy for her sister, and all that. But she's looking at me so it's like it's for me anyway.

I don't want it.

I don't want her.

But only because I really do.

I'm having a hard time watching as Roxas accepts a hug from Kairi, Axel gets a hug from Kairi and hugs back, and Naminé (damn her) kisses her sister on the cheek before getting a hug as well.

I'm almost thinking I wish I was Kairi right now, but that's really stupid. I don't want Naminé to fucking hug me, that's retarded. I'm not into soft shit.

Why is this all coming up now, at the wrong moment, when I can't just ignore her? Why – damn it, why did we have to come here? I know the answer, I'm not that stupid. But I hate that we did. We were doing fine before Naminé came and ruined everything, and now I'm having stupid thoughts like I want her to hug me. It's pathetic. I hate it.

I'm just trailing behind everyone, not really paying attention to anything. I'm not looking at Kairi and Sora. I'm not even looking at Roxas and Axel. I'm looking at my feet because if I look up I know I'll see Naminé. I know if I look at the sky I'll think of her. But not if I look at the ground.

In my peripheral vision I can see Axel's hand around Roxas' hand and it makes me angry. Not even because it's not me any more, because I'm stronger than Axel is and I don't need anyone. So it's not because of that. It's because now it reminds me of what I want, and I just don't want to think about her.

But when I feel her arms around me I put mine around her anyway. Just because…just because we're in public. That's all. Just because this is a wedding. That's all.