Epilogue

Axel

I've decided Kairi's right, and now I don't like to look back. Not at most things. But I like to look back and remember things like the conversation I had with Kairi right before her wedding, or the day I met Roxas, or that morning I woke up and he was sleeping with his head on my chest for the first time.

But more than that I like to look over and see Roxas next to me, no matter what he's doing. He's still weird. He's still way too hard to figure out. And sometimes, I still wonder what's wrong with him. But it doesn't really matter, right? Because even if I figured it out, I wouldn't love him any less.

Christ. If Larx – or even Roxas – could hear my thoughts now, they'd laugh so hard. I want to laugh. But I don't, because Roxas is beside me, sleeping for once, and I don't want to wake him.

He's beautiful. (But I always think that.)

I know things aren't going to be like I initially wanted them to be. He's not going to open his eyes and tell me he loves me in a sleepy voice. He's not going to spend time just letting me look at him and hold him. We're not always going to understand each other.

But, I think I like it better like this. Maybe it's not picture-perfect, but it's real. That's what counts, right? That it's real? Larx would tell me sap doesn't look good on me. But – only in private, like now – I have to disagree. I think it looks better on me than anyone else we know.

But I'd rather slit my own throat than actually say that.

Larxene

I can't believe it's been eight months since Kairi's wedding. I mean I can, but only because it happened. I'm not one for sentimental shit but it really is like no time has gone by at all.

I know that's not true because I remember feeling like everything was dragging on, but right now at this moment it feels like it didn't happen.

I hate funerals so I'm glad I didn't go, but I'm here now with Naminé visiting the grave because she wanted to. I don't know why; it's just a stone with a name. But she wanted to come. She wanted to bring flowers, which is hilarious in the most inappropriate way. But maybe that's why it's funny.

"Don't see why you care," I tell her. "Or why you dragged me along."

"You miss him too," she replies calmly. "And I care because…he might have hurt me, but he's the reason I met you. And I still loved him, whether he loved me or not."

"Yeah, but he didn't."

"Marluxia," she says, and I wonder when she got so confident, "wanted to be able to. Maybe not me, but I'm sure if he could have, he would have loved you. I can…I can see that happening."

I have to laugh at the way she turns her eyes away, like she's actually embarrassed to say shit like that. "Stop it," I say. "Sap looks bad on you."

"Well…while I'm at it…" She bites her lip. I have to look at the headstone to keep from biting it for her. "I'm going to go all the way and say I love you."

Fuck. I don't want to answer her. I don't know what I'd say, anyway. I can't…it's not like Sora and Kairi, so not that kind of love. It's not like Axel and Roxas either. Most days I hate her, usually on the days she lets me cut her. So I'm not saying anything because I have nothing to say.

She laughs and puts down three white roses before reaching out and touching my face. I don't move.

"You don't have to say anything," she tells me. "It doesn't have to be perfect, or happy, or pretty. You don't even have to love me back. I just thought you should know that I love you. Since I'm ruining your day with 'sentimental shit,' as you call it. Love…is just something I want to give you."

She's stupid for doing that, giving me her heart like that, because I'm not pure like her. She's not scary any more and right now I'm wondering if maybe that's because I've tainted her.

"He killed himself," she whispers suddenly, changing the subject. "He always seemed to want to live. I wonder why he did it."

"He finished everything he wanted to do." I shrug. "The plan actually worked. Crazy fucker just decided he didn't have anything left, I guess. I would have killed myself too, if I was in that position."

"This is why I love you." She comes up too close, wraps her arms around my neck, and suddenly I am scared again but I don't push her away. I know she'd just get right back up. "You're the only person I know who could say that with a straight face…except maybe Roxas…and you're the biggest hypocrite I know. You can pretend all you want, and I won't stop you…but I know you have a heart to give. And I hope someday you'll give it to me."

I'm kissing her because she's kissing me and I know later she'll bleed because I'll bite down. I hate her so much. And that's…hypocrite?

Marluxia said that he wished he could hate, because that would mean he could love. Maybe I'm a hypocrite. Maybe she's right. Maybe sometimes, they're the same.

I guess we'll find out, won't we?

Roxas

For as long as I can remember, I've been a very destructive person. I don't mean to be; but I always seem to ruin things, or at least make them intensely uncomfortable. When I ruin things, it's generally not things; it's usually people I ruin. I don't like it, but I don't know how to fix it because it's hard to vocalize what's wrong in language other people can understand.

But I haven't ruined Axel, and I haven't ruined Larxene. I haven't ruined my family. The twins just had a birthday and Alice told me she was happy I was there. Xion still likes to show me her drawings, even though I don't say anything most of the time.

For as long as I can remember, the numbers have haunted me. And they still do, but sometimes Axel can take them away. When we're in bed, and I'm listening to his heartbeat or when he kisses me. They usually don't go away when we have sex, because I'm usually counting then, but those rare times he agrees to take control of things, I can sometimes manage to stop counting and the numbers go away then.

But we don't sleep together very often because that's not really what either of us want. What we really want is the sleep kind of sleeping together, where I wake up listening to his heart and I kiss his chest.

I like how it makes his face turn red sometimes, even now. Even right now when I'm kissing his chest and my hand is on his cheek so he has to look me in the eye.

It's still hard for me to do, but it's getting easier every time. Sometimes I don't even look away any more.

He makes me feel like eight, like thirteen, and that used to drive me crazy because I didn't understand it at all. I couldn't classify it, because I'd never experienced it before.

But I've learned by now that there's nothing it could be except love.