De profundis clamavi

J'implore ta pitié, Toi, l'unique que j'aime,
Du fond du gouffre obscur où mon coeur est tombé.
C'est un univers morne à l'horizon plombé,
Où nagent dans la nuit l'horreur et le blasphème;

Un soleil sans chaleur plane au-dessus six mois,
Et les six autres mois la nuit couvre la terre;
C'est un pays plus nu que la terre polaire
— Ni bêtes, ni ruisseaux, ni verdure, ni bois!

Or il n'est pas d'horreur au monde qui surpasse
La froide cruauté de ce soleil de glace
Et cette immense nuit semblable au vieux Chaos;

Je jalouse le sort des plus vils animaux
Qui peuvent se plonger dans un sommeil stupide,
Tant l'écheveau du temps lentement se dévide!

— Charles Baudelaire

Out of the Depths Have I Cried

I beg pity of Thee, the only one I love,
From the depths of the dark pit where my heart has fallen,
It's a gloomy world with a leaden horizon,
Where through the night swim horror and blasphemy;

A frigid sun floats overhead six months,
And the other six months darkness covers the land;
It's a land more bleak than the polar wastes
— Neither beasts, nor streams, nor verdure, nor woods!

But no horror in the world can surpass
The cold cruelty of that glacial sun
And this vast night which is like old Chaos;

I envy the lot of the lowest animals
Who are able to sink into a stupid sleep,
So slowly does the skein of time unwind!

She didn't know why she kept the key to the front house. Remy never asked it back and for some reason she didn't remind him of it. Anyone would say she was planning on coming back...maybe it was true, but Ororo never thought about it... She didn't give it back merely because it was too difficult to give it back. It made the separation too definitive. Ororo would die before admitting it, but she had to recognize the truth at least to herself...

Etienne was out in the stables, and offered to accompany her inside, but she declined. Talking to Remy was something she had to do on her own. She had to at least show him she was confident enough to face him. Now she didn't have any reason to fear him, he didn't have control over her life anymore...now they could really talk face to face. She walked calmly towards the stairs, her heels clicking sharply on the floors. Stepping in front of the door, she twisted the knob; feeling relaxed all of the sudden.

Oddly, she felt at ease in that house, as if she belonged there...Maybe living there for so long had given her some sense of familiarity, she knew every room, every object, the way the light and darkness played over every surface and every walls. It almost felt like home.

She wasn't surprised to see all windows and curtains closed and only a couple of candles lit. Ororo cleared her throat and spoke, trying to locate him in the middle of all that darkness.

-Excuse me?… Mr. Lebeau, are you there?

The rustle of papers called her attention ands she turned to the desk. She saw a slim yet strong hand reached out to a candlestick and the chair turned slightly. Under the ghastly yellow glow of the candle, she could see the lines of Remy´s face; all of the sudden suddenly harden, as if he had had some bad surprise. Straightening up, she quietly closed the door behind her back.

-Good evening, sir…

-Ororo…I thought you were supposed to be far away from here…

-Yes…I was…but I heard you weren't feeling very well…I imagined I should visit…

-Visit? - He chuckled inside his throat. - Just visit and see how I was doing?

She half smiled, shaking her head slightly:

-Yes… Seems odd, I know.

-Seems more than odd, chère…

-Please, don't be sarcastic… I'll understand if you don't want me here, I can just…

- No, don't go…-His voice dropped a note, becoming smoother- I'm sorry…I didn't mean to be rude…-He chuckled once again- It seems I can never bring myself to behave properly with you…

She granted him a half smile, in spite of herself. Remy pointed an armchair close to his desk and she moved over and sat facing him:

-Etienne told me you haven't been feeling well lately…

-Etienne…always an alarmist…

-You do look pale…

-I always did, you made that remark yourself many times…

-Not like this…I hear you haven't been out in public either…

-And since then boredom is a reason for concern?

-Don't be like this…I can see something is wrong…

-You shouldn't do this…

-Do what?

-Act like this…I know you don't have any reason to come here, except of this strange habit you have of being merciful…

-Merciful?

-Oui, chère…I appreciate your intention but I'm just fine…

-I'm not here out of mercy…

-The what other reason could you have…you most certainly never had much affection for me…

-I beg your pardon?

-You couldn't wait to get away from me…I didn't mind it, but coming back is a little inconsiderate of you…

-I never wanted to get away from you! –She let out, without even thinking, just too infuriated by his smugness. He raised a suspicious eyebrow.

-You didn't?

-No…I just…I needed to get away…you don't know what it's like to have no control over your life…I…

-You think I don't know that? I…

-You don't! I…didn't want to live in fear anymore…

-Fear of what?

-You… you made me afraid…I didn't harbor any bad feeling in your regards but…sometimes I just couldn't understand you…sometimes I was just afraid of you…

-You were afraid of me? I thought we were past that…

-It wasn't just that night in the library…It was…everything. I never felt safe around you, it was bad enough to have my life decided by an "owner", to be a property instead of a person, but I…couldn't handle be at the complete mercy of somebody I couldn't understand…I never knew what could happen next…I..

-Ororo…Were you afraid I might…harm you?

-I…don't know…I just didn't know…

Ororo went quiet and looked away from him, dropping her hands to her lap. A strange mixture of sadness and relief filled her. Now she could move on, she had been completely honest with him. She heard as he closed the book that had been open over his desk and got up, but didn't look up until she felt a cool hand touch hers lightly, as if to call her attention. Ororo raised her eyes to meet his dark ones, as he knelt before her, his face unreadable.

-You really think I could do that?

-You gave me reason to…

-I never…you don't understand…

-I never had an opportunity to try to understand…

-Ororo…please, listen…I know what you're thinking, believe me. I'm not an example of correctness, I admit. There are many things wrong with me, many things I can't begin to explain to you, things that I myself have a hard time understanding but… I would never hurt you. Ororo…I care about you, a great deal. When I realized you wanted to be away from me, that you were scared to the point of running away, of getting rid of your sole possessions just so you could leave me…I was devastated….But I complied, because…I could never make you suffer; and if I caused you pain in any way, then the best thing to do was let you go, even if I didn't want to…

-I never meant to do anything behind your back…this isn't like me… you have to understand…you had me in your hands, I couldn't…

-Ororo…You could just have asked me…I'd free you…I would let you stay and work here for a salary, if you wanted…

-Remy…-She mumbled, not even minding the fact that she had just called him by his first name. Remy raised his fingers and laid them lightly over her lips, stopping her from speaking.

-Enough of that. You're here now. That's what matters…Now it comes to mind…That piano downstairs has been awfully quiet lately. It almost missed you more than I did…

(Continues)