After the Fall

But I don't want the past to be my life
And I don't want to live inside the night
But I don't want to see your shadow fade

-"After the Fall" By Trans-Siberian Orchestra

It was almost surreal when the doctor finally walked into the small crowded room. Henry had fallen asleep and hour ago, and since then most the talking have stopped. Hotch was out of his blood covered clothes and was now wearing some of Will's.

"The surgery went fine." The doctor said and everyone just wished he could get to the point.

It was around midnight, and before then they all hadn't gotten much sleep. The just wanted to know if their friend was okay so maybe they could get some shut eye before the passed out.

"The bullet went throw the stomach, liver, and just about every other important organ in that area." He continued. "He is a very lucky man." They weren't to sure if this meant he was going to be okay or not. "He should be okay. He's going to be asleep for a while, so you can see him in the morning." There was something about the way he said that that made them all think, 'If he's still alive in the morning.'

With that he left the room. Most the tension was gone, but they all still couldn't rest peacefully knowing that at any moment the young agent could slip into death.

Will caught this immediately. "I can take Henry to the Hotel while you wait here?" He said, though it was more of a question. No one though badly about his thinking about abandoning Reid. A hospital was no place for a baby to be.

"Yeah... Okay, I'll come as soon as I know something more." JJ said kissing him and Henry before they left.

The rest of them stayed right were they were. No one even thought about leaving. Emily curled up in her chair, and lending her head against Morgan feel asleep. Morgan pulled out his I-pod and most likely fell asleep with his head against the wall. Dave looked off into space, not even looking tired. It came with the job. Garcia and JJ were talking softly about the baby again. At least there was something light still in the world.

Hotch just looked around, and thought. Thinking of the letter and Reid's suicide. What would have happened if he hadn't found him went he did? What if he did die? What would happen then? He could ready feel the hole that would tare through him. He wasn't sure if he would be able to survive.

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The pain was soon dulled, but it never went away. It shot through him like fire every time Reid moved. But he couldn't move. He couldn't figure out how to use any of his limps. He couldn't see either. All there was was darkness. He wondered if he was death. Was this all there could be? Darkness and pain? he didn't think it could be. But if it wasn't death then what was it? Could this be life? It felt so empty.

Reid couldn't tell an hour away from a minute. Time seemed to drag on forever, never going anywhere. For the longest time he didn't think of anything, not wanting to face reality. If he was in hell then that would mean that the torture would be to think.

But as time went on it became hard not to think. He needed something to do. And his mind was unfolding at the seams.

He thought of him mother and her assisted suicide. He though of the pain he felt, and her cold dead eyes telling him that this was what she wanted. He remember looking at his team- his friends- for the first time after that. Seeing all the care and love they showed, and not caring. He remember that guilt he felt that started of small, and grew with every passing minute. He couldn't believe that he could feel such mental sorrow. he remember seeing the dead bodies of the couple murderers victims. All the blood and fear. he related with them like he hadn't since he himself was in their shoes when he was abducted. He remembered finding the darkness and choosing to ignore the help that his friends tried to offer. He remembered deciding that the world was out to get him. And finally the painful choice that he must die and the act of acting out on it.

Now that he thought it all over he found what a big mistake he had made. He understood that it was only grief and guilt that forced him to the darkness. And most of all he saw that the darkness was bad, and that in truth it was insanity. There was no reason for him to hate everyone that he loved. The resentment he had developed toward them was wrong. He should have embraced them not the dark. They were what he really needed to live.

But now it was to late. He had acted and now he was swimming in a sea of darkness and pain. Maybe it was the right end to him. Maybe he deserved to die since he had been so stupid. But then stupidity wasn't a good reason to die for. If everyone who didn't something stupid died then there would be a lot less people. He had been more then just stupid, though. He had lost track of himself. Gone insane. If he did wake from the darkness then would he just return to normal? Was it possible?

Then again to die would mean to hurt all those he truly cared about. If he didn't die, or was already dead, then his team would fall apart in grief, just like he did. They were stronger than he was, much more, but he couldn't see them getting past his suicide. It was the worst way to leave someone.

Or maybe they wouldn't even worry about it. Thats the way Reid would have liked it. If they could just forget about him and move on almost like they had with Elle. They were sad for a while, but in time Emily came and replaced her and now they never even talked about her. He never even thought about her.

That thought made him sad. How could they all just forget about a person they worked with for over a year, just like that. Was her life really that meaningless? He decided that if he came out of this then he was going to call her up, or e-mail her. Show her that he cared. But if he didn't make it out he hoped that they all would forget him like they had Elle. It was painless. Some hoe he didn't think that would happen.

The best thing would be not to die. he didn't want to die any more. It would be hard to get back into his life. Go back to working around death and dealing with those he had hurt so much. Maybe he wouldn't even go back. He was brilliant, there was sure to be some job other than the FBI that he could do. He wasn't sure if he could turn away from them though. Even if he had to work to get back to were he was he wanted to still help people. He wasn't going to turn his back like he had just done. How many people would die if he wasn't in the BAU? It might not be a lot, but he couldn't take the chance.

Hours and hours later the pain started to grow. Reid didn't know what was going on but his world was shattering again. As the pain grew black turned to gray and gray slowly started to turn to light. He wanted the dark back- to escape the pain. He know, though, that to do that would mean to be there for ever. If he was dead then he had come to some self-realization that was being him to the light- maybe heaven, maybe not. And if he was alive he was heading back to the world he know and loved. Which ever one it was he knew that if he went back into he dark that he would never see what was waiting for him.

He wasn't sure if the immense pain that he felt was worth it or not. Could any place with that much pain be any better? He wanted the soft burning back. He wasn't sure if he wanted to go back. Not even after all he had thought about and plained. When it finally came time he didn't know if he could do the right thing.

Taking a large breath he pushed himself forward, deciding that the pain was worth the light