Chapter 5

Fantasy was awakened forty-five minutes later by her husband, who was calmly asking her why she was sleeping on the floor.

She sat bolt upright, and clutched Eddie's lapel jacket. His attempts to disentangle her were in vain.

"Eddie! Monsters!" she gasped. "Man – funny name – dead. An ouija board! Never seen it before. He floated, and he kissed me, and he said mean things about my mouth!" she sobbed.

Eddie, meanwhile was growing more and more confused. So he sat her down, and tried to get the entire story out of her. And once he did, he just nodded understandingly, and went to get her some medication, and maybe a strait jacket

--

Just for a moment, Barbara Maitland felt like she was being pulled through a vacuum cleaner, and being stretched and pulled to fit. Then everything righted itself with a pop, and she landed on a pile of sand. Beside her, she could hear her husband groan.

"Adam, where are we?" Barbara asked nervously. Adam didn't answer. "Adam!" she cried.

"Just look around Barbara," he said in a tired voice. "We're back on Saturn." Barbara stood up and looked around. Sure enough, she saw the unnaturally colored sky, the red sand. Yes, they were definitely on Saturn. Barbara ground her fists into her eyes, and tried to think. "How did we get here?" she wondered aloud. "We didn't leave the house! We weren't doing anything!"

Adam tried to think. "Just before we . . . came here, I was thinking I felt strange," he explained. "Like I'd just forgotten something important." "Maybe it was – it was . . . Adam, I've forgotten his name!" Barbara cried suddenly.

"Whose?" Adam asked, leaning in slightly. Both of them were so absorbed in their conversation, that they did not notice the striped back rising and sinking lazily into the sand.

Barbara racked her memory. She realized she had forgotten more than just his name. "You know, that . . . guy. The one who – The one who tried to marry Lydia! The . . . the bio-exorcist!"

Adam looked at her hard. "Do you think it's a coincidence that right after we disappear into Saturn, where we cannot help Lydia, we forget that thing's name?" he asked.

Barbara shook her head. It was no longer about just them anymore. "We have to help Lydia," she said.

"How, Barbara?" he asked, flapping his arms to demonstrate their helplessness.

Her eyes widened in fear, and she pointed blankly at a high point above his head. Adam didn't waste a moment in looking. He already knew what it was. He tucked his glasses firmly back on his nose and took off, dragging Barbara behind him. He heard the nightmarish scream of the sandworm behind him as it just missed its intended meal.

"A-a-adam!" Barbara panted. "We can fly, remember?"

Adam wanted to take a moment to smack himself in the forehead, but there was no moments left to take. So instead, he launched himself into the air, and hoped he wouldn't get eaten. Behind him, Barbara tried desperately to keep from rolling and flipping midair. She had never been good at this. The sandworm's second head slipped out between its own teeth, almost catching their heels.

They flew desperately, evading the sandworm's strikes with difficulty. Eventually, the monster gave up, and plunged into the sand, roaring in frustration.

They landed inelegantly. Barbara cried a little on Adam's shoulder, but then sat up straight, and tried to think.

"Adam, new ghosts come here all the time. If we could find one, then maybe we could slip back in through their doors," she suggested.

Adam took her shoulders and grinned at her, looking a little crazy. "That's brilliant!" he said, beaming at her.

They set off in the air again, searching intently for opening doorways. After nearly an hour though, Adam began finding faults with the plan.

"We could be doing this for days," he said darkly.

"Nonsense. People die every second," Barbara said defensively.

"Who knows how big Saturn is? Doors could be opening all over the place except where we are."

"Don't be so negative!"

"It could be years before we find ourselves at the right place at the right time. It may NEVER happen!"

"Look! There's a door!" Barbara screamed. They both headed towards the door as fast as they could.

In passing, Barbara shouted to the confused ghost, "You won't like it here. Stay inside, its safer!"

They were so close to safety, she could feel it, almost taste it. She braced herself to slow down as she hit the doorframe, but instead of tumbling into a strange house, she bounced off of an invisible wall, and fell, seemingly into nothingness, where there had been sand only minutes before . . .

--

Beetlejuice was having a major case of the sulks. Lydia had retreated into the attic, after ranting about something silly. Not that he had been listening. He thought he had heard the name, 'Maitland's' once or twice though.

He sighed. This was not going at all the way his idealistic fantasies had gone. Lydia was supposed to be thrilled to see him, not furious, accusing him of this and that. He carelessly snapped a vase, and left small pieces for unwary feet to step on.

He eyed the plasma TV screen with interest. He had sent his ads by way of TV before, of course, but he had never watched the damned thing himself. Maybe there was something to it.

He searched around for a mundane way to turn the monstrosity on, but quickly tired, and ended up just snapping his fingers. Instantly, a deluge of bright flashing colors and loud, evil sounding noises assaulted him. He winced and held his ears. He was sure that if he had epilepsy, he would have had a convulsion, the colors flashed by so quickly and intensely.

He frantically snapped through the channels, and finally found a safe looking scene. A dark alley, two men were facing each other. Suddenly one pulled out a gun, and shot the other. Beetlejuice grinned. The scene switched to that of a woman in a hospital bed with some tubes up her nose. A man sitting next to her was holding her hand, and seemed to be making a confession of love to her. Suddenly she sat up and flung her arms around him, and then explained that it was not she who was injured in the crash, but her evil twin, who was actually killed in said crash. So of course the speaker assumed her place in the hospital to see if the man's love for her was true.

It was absolutely preposterous, ridiculous, and senseless.

Beetlejuice was hooked.

Nine hours later, Eddie meandered in the TV room, looked surprised, and then turned the TV off. It took all Beetlejuice had not to punch him in the neck. While hiding in the corner, Beetlejuice observed something interesting. Lydia walked down the stairs, nearly going right through Eddie. He shivered and paused.

"I love you, Eddie," Lydia said softly, smiling at her baby boy. Oh, but her baby boy had gray hair now, and was raising a baby of his own, who was also no longer a baby. She felt her tears well up.

Eddie however, was still on the staircase, shivering and rubbing his arms. "Ma?" he asked, in the softest of voices. Guessing by the uncertainty in his voice, Eddie had not inherited his mother's skills in seeing ghosts.

Lydia tried to grab his shoulders, but passed right through him. "Yes, it's me Eddie!" she whispered fiercely. "Please don't forget about me. I'm still here. You're still my little boy."

A couple of tears popped from Eddie's eyes, surprising even himself. He quickly wiped them away.

"Oh, mum," he sighed unhappily. "I wish you were still here. I need your wisdom now more than ever. Especially with my family breaking apart the way it is."

He slowly continued up the rest of the staircase, head hanging, his feet dragging.

Lydia stood on the staircase still, fighting back tears. She hated seeing her son hurting like that. With a wife who only loved herself, and a daughter fast following in her footsteps,despite how much she hated her mother. As different as the two were, it was amazing how similar they were.

She sighed again. Fantasy had gotten her revenge for their last argument by humiliating Sara in front of her friends, and driving her boyfriend away from her. Fantasy was an evil woman, pitiable only because of where her evilness had brought her and left her.

Beetlejuice stood and watched Lydia standing on the staircase, deep in thought. He felt a strange feeling in his gut. Could it be – Saints preserve us! – pity? No, surely not. Beetlejuice was a cold hard shell of a man with no finer emotions at all! None! But still, it wouldn't hurt to try and try to talk, her being all vulnerable now and shit.

"I'm sure you had great fun watching us just then, didn't you," Lydia spat. Beetlejuice sighed. So much for vulnerable.

"Hell no, babe, that was about the most awkward thing in the world," he said indignantly. "Wasn't fun at all. It was all . . . emotional," he finished, shuddering.

Lydia changed the subject. "What did you do to the Maitland's?" she asked for what felt like the twentieth time."

Beetlejuice thought fast. It wouldn't do to tell her the truth, she would make him pay for sending them to Saturn. "Uh, I just sent them to Juno's office," he lied. "You know, make them spend months and months filing papers like I had to, once I got eaten by the DAMN SANDWORM!!" he told her, putting emphasis on the last two words. Although, by the way Lydia cringed, she might have considered it closer to yelling.

Lydia had the grace to look ashamed. "I didn't have anything to do with that," she said defensively.

Once again, he was the charmer, flashing a green smile at her. "I know!" he said simply. "That's why you're not – uh – filing papers like they are now!"

"There's something else I've been noticing," Lydia said thoughtfully. "You're clean." Remembering his mossy smile, she shivered and amended, "cleaner."

"Ah, that. Yeah, I just decided to clean up for you, Lyds!" he fibbed.

"How nice," Lydia said dryly.

Beetlejuice paused for a moment, then asked bluntly, "How did you die anyways?"

Lydia bristled for a moment, then calmed down, as she wondered where the harm could be in telling him that.

"Well. I was in the gas station, when a neighbor – somebody I knew, actually – came in and held up the store. She demanded money, but I don't think she really wanted it. She wanted attention. And like the dumbass that I am, I tried to be heroic and talk her down. I don't know what I was thinking. It wasn't like we were the best of friends. So she yelled at me to shut up, and then pointed that damn gun at me. Everybody panicked, and someone tried to rush her, and long story short, I got shot. In the neck, right here," she said, lifting her chin and showing the small hole in her neck. Captivated, Beetlejuice asked one question.

"Who was it?"

Lydia looked down. "A girl I knew in school. Her name was Claire."

--