Hey………
This week been tough……. First I came round form what seemed to be a long deep sleep only to remember that I'd been hypnotized to get access to my repressed memories (there was a reason they were repressed…. I didn't want to remember them!!!!) Anyway I could tell by the look on my psychiatrists face that I'd remembered and talked about the sexual abuse inflicted on me by dad……..bad idea!!!!! Then I received an innocent call on my cell form Calliegh all she did was ask if I was ok.. and if it was ok for hr to drop by my apartment but I snapped at her for no reason…(what was I thinking) anyway… she came round to see me and I was reluctant to open the door and let her in until she threatened to start screaming (we cant be having that now can we)
I didn't want her to see that I was upset and feeling uneasy about the day so far ( let alone allow her to see me cry) so I tried to act normal (fat lot of use that was.. as she saw straight through it!!!) So I … I let her in on the festering ugly scary part/reason behind my whole self harming issue. I told her about the abuse and that I was a virgin still because of it, (this is how I know she is different) she sat down and told me that it was ok, that it was going to be ok and that sex between 2 people doesn't always have to hurt….. I was shy to begin with (and extremely scared) but she helped me and guided me... but there was a problem to begin with…you see each time she touched me…I froze….because all that I could see at this point was dad…and what HE did. So I pulled away…. (Frustrating) but Calliegh as always had the patience of a saint…(a beautiful one at that) after about 5 flashbacks (and a few tears) I finally managed to give myself over to her…..She was really gentle (nothing like the way dad used to do it 2 me) she kept asking if I was ok….. and guiding me through it, reassuring me that I wasn't hurting her (I was afraid that I'd hurt her like HE hurt me) but she was positive that I wasn't (Reassuring to hear) any way to be honest I don't really remember much as I must have had another flashback which I'm guessing knocked me for six as all I remember from then is waking up to Calleigh asking if I was ok? I'm still not as confident about it all, but I've been reassured that confidence will grow over time….. Well I guess I'll have to wait and see…..
I'm going to have to leave you know as I really need to grab a shower... I've got to be at the Lab in 20 minutes…… (Don't think I'm going to make it!!)
Take Care, Speak soon…
Speed xxxx