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Chapter Fifteen
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When it started ringing, Spencer actually noted that she was nervous. She could feel it in her stomach. But for the life of her she couldn't explain why. Then someone picked up. "Hello?"
Spencer blinked. Judging by the voice it was an older woman and most definitely Ashley's mom. Even their voices were somewhat similar. Ashley's was ashier though, while her mother's was smoother and honey-dipped. Then it actually occurred to her that she didn't know this woman's name. Since yesterday she had only been thinking of her as `Ashley's Mother'. Nothing else.
"Uh," How was she supposed to phrase this? "... I uh..."
"...Can I help you with something?"
She fought against the lump in her throat to speak. "...It's... about Ashley..."
"My daughter? What's going on with--wait a minute, who is this?"
"...My name's Spencer. Spencer Carlin. I... uh, I'm... a friend of your daughter's. I just... I need to talk to you about something... it's about her... I'm really worried about her and I just... I needed to talk to someone about it because I can't do anything myself and I'm so scared that-"
"Wait, wait, wait. Slow down, okay?" Said the older woman. "Take a deep breath and just tell me what's going on with Ashley."
And so she did. Spencer took that deep breath and went on to explain everything. That she and Ashley went to the same school, that they knew each other, that her father had been hitting her, that she was living in literal squalor, and that something needed to be done urgently. The only thing Spencer didn't mention was the sexual relationship between herself and the woman's daughter. And as soon as she was updated Ashley's mother was fraught with alarm. Her name was Eliza Brenner (no longer Eliza Davies) and she explained to Spencer that she already had suspicions about what Ashley's father, Raiff, had been doing to her. Though she never said as much, Spencer guessed that Raiff had beaten Eliza around more than a few times too. There was revulsion in Eliza's voice but no real shock. It was clear however that she never really expected Raiff to raise his hand to Ashley.
"That man is an animal," Eliza muttered. "I just... I can't believe he'd do that to her... he always thought the world of her..."
Spencer sighed. "She didn't want you to know. And she'll be angry with me for telling you-"
"Oh Spencer, don't be silly. Thank God you did. If I'd known how bad things were for her I would've taken her with me. But Ashley was just so insistent, so devoted to Raiff, I couldn't convince her to do it. I just wish I knew about all this sooner. What the hell is wrong with me?"
"I'm so sorry..."
"Honey, none of this is your fault. Thank you so much for informing me."
"What..." Spencer swallowed. "What happens now?"
Eliza was seething on the other end. "Leave it to me, alright? Ashley's going to be fine."
**********
The game was in its closing four minutes and the score was 3-0 to the home team. Alderson High's female soccer team, who called themselves the Alderson High `Deltas`, had literally blown the Chandley High `Blue Angels' away.
Carmen, fully clad in her goalkeeper uniform, big white gloves and all, looked positively bored out by the goal on the other side of the pitch. She hadn't gotten much heat tonight. In fact she'd made only two deft saves since kick off. The Blue Angels' goalkeeper on the other hand had been getting nothing but heat. To her credit that girl had made quite a few blocks and some impressive dives, which had left her white and blue uniform, riddled with many a soil smudge. However, because of the veritable uselessness of the Blue Angel's three defenders, that girl was constantly under pressure from the Deltas' three strikers; Dawn, Amanda and Nicole.
Dawn had scored once. Nicole has scored twice.
Spencer sat on the lowest bench of the bleachers watching the whole thing. Next to her was the habitually stoic Kyla, her eyes firmly trained on an inactive Carmen, while Daryl and Simon sat together, cheering Nicole on, just above them. It was night but a warm night. The pitch was illuminated by the golden luminosity of six pole-mounted mini floodlights erected around it. It was Wednesday, the day of Nicole's first match.
Though she didn't follow soccer (or any sport of the kind) as such, Spencer managed to keep abreast of what was going on. And she felt justified to admit that Nicole looked very impressive out there. Where some of the others looked clunky and graceless, Nicole bounded around the upper half of the field with poise and speed, trading fast passes with the midfielders before setting up Dawn or Amanda, or waiting to be set up for a shot by them.
At the moment one of the Deltas' midfielders had stolen the ball and was charging ahead. As soon as two of the Blue Angel's own players closed in on her, the girl lobbed the ball over her assailant's heads. One of the guarding Blue Angels tried a header, missed, and the ball landed meters away, just shy of Amanda's boots. She took it forward in her swift step, watchful of the Blue Angel defender ahead of her, and passed it vertically to Nicole. She received the ball with her instep then ran then locked her eyes on the goal. At that point one of the Blue Angels other defenders ran toward her. Nicole paused then, slowing to a stop, watching the girl from the rival school watch her. They held each other in check for a second, just until Nicole faked left, and then burst right. The Blue Angel defender, taken by surprise, staggered just as Nicole darted past her. Without penetrating the final line of defense and risk provoking an offside call; Nicole kicked the ball with one powerful punt aimed straight for the upper left corner of the Blue Angels' goal. Their keeper dove into the air to stop it -- but it whizzed past her gloved fingertips and sailed into the back of the net, making the score four-to-zip.
The Alderson High side of the bleachers erupted in cheer for the fourth time that night (the Chandley High side just clapped morosely) whilst Nicole shot a triumphant fist into the air and basked in the compliments and hugs of Amanda and Dawn.
The Blue Angels goalkeeper, suitably pissed off, irately grabbed the ball and heckled her three defenders to be more alert than they currently were. She put it down on spot while the other players pulled back for her goal kick. But unfortunately for her and the rest of her team the referee blew his whistle. End of match. Once again the Alderson High supporters stood up from their seats, clapping and cheering with vigor. Even Spencer and Kyla did the same (although Spencer had to admit that everyone else's loudness was kind of jarring). Out on the pitch both the Delta and the Blue Angels took their game faces off -- but with opposing subsequent reactions. While the Blue Angels suckled and brooded, the Deltas all gathered up together in the centre of the field, cheering and chuckling, surrounding Nicole and showering her with praise.
Spencer was proud of her too. It was no surprise that Nicole was fitting in so well here. She was happy for it. And all this helped distract her from Ashley -- who Spencer hadn't heard from since that call in the park Sunday morning. While the Deltas and the Delta's coach basked in the glow of their victory, some of the Blue Angels filed out toward the locker rooms while others greeted their consoling parents and friends by the bleachers before doing the same. It took a while for the Deltas to do that but they eventually did, Nicole and Carmen together running up to Spencer and the others. As soon as Carmen approached, Kyla launched up from the stands and wrapped the goalkeeper in a uncharacteristically warm hug -- a hug that lasted a bit longer than it should have -- but it was too innocent to speculate on. Nicole on the other hand climbed up the first bench and hugged both of her glowing parents. Daryl had even taken time off work just to see her play.
"Did you see me out there?" Nicole said giddily. "I scored three times! How cool is that?"
Simon gushed. "You were great, honey."
When Nicole stepped down and approached Spencer, she saw that the brunette was still out of breath. "Hey, did you enjoy it? The match, I mean?"
Spencer nodded. "Uh huh. You did really well."
It was then, at that specific point in time and space, that every romantic thing Spencer thought that she felt for Nicole took a severe U-turn. A boy approached their group from a short distance away. He was Brazilian (or at least Spencer thought), and roughly their age from the looks of things, a fellow student. What made him stand out though was his looks. He was undeniably handsome, boasting beautiful light mocha skin and a perfect pearly-white smile. No one but Spencer noticed it, but when he approached, Nicole didn't take her eyes off him for a single second, even in her breathlessness. However he himself didn't seem to notice it. He instead went straight for Kyla and ruffled her extensive black hair, grinning.
"Hiya," He said coolly. "Still the world`s most miserable `cheerleader`, right?"
Carmen playfully punched him in the shoulder. "Oh drop dead, asshole. Kyla's always welcome to come watch us, not that we need the extra mojo. We're really gonna take it this year, I can feel it."
"Yeah well," the boy hooked his arm around Carmen's broad shoulders. "Y'all really mopped the floor up with them, though. Props and congrats and all that. This school could use something to brag about, especially after my guys screwed up so hard last year."
Kyla glared at him, more her usual self. "You're not gonna start whining about that again, are you?"
"I don't whine."
"Yeah you do. `Why were there so many injuries last year?' and `why does our captain suck so badly?' or `why the hell don't we have better starting guards?'. Any of that ring a bell?" Kyla reminded him.
The Brazilian, still with his arm around Carmen, rolled his eyes. "Man, you are cold, girl. You see that's why Carmen and I can't talk sports when you're around. You're like a cold shower. You know, if cold showers were cute and grumpy."
Kyla pouted, looking away. "Why are you even down here?"
The boy took his arm off Carmen and took his cell phone out of his jacket pocket. "Mom and Dad are going out for the night so they told me to ask you if you wanted a lift home. I've got my car parked out back."
"...No thanks. I'm going with Carmen and the others."
"For pizza," Carmen clarified. "After every game we play, we go for a slice each down at Mama Giancarlo's. I asked Kyla if she'd like to come with us and she said yes. Is that cool?"
The boy shrugged. "Yeah, that's fine. I guess I'll just head home then-"
"No...!"
When Nicole yelled that as erratically as she did, all eyes turned to her. Kyla's, Carmen's, the Brazilian, but most of all Spencer's. Nicole, now blushing, shrugged it off, and smiled gently at this boy who seemed so familiar with Kyla and Carmen.
"Uh, maybe you should, you know, come with us..." Nicole said to him, bashfully. "We can always make room."
The boy pondered it for a moment, not realizing the effect he was having on her. "...Uh, I don't think Kyla wants me cramping her style around you guys."
"I never said that." Kyla said pouting.
"You didn't have to. Your face says it all, Elvira."
"Look, you can come, okay?" Kyla said irritably.
The young man smirked at her (with cockiness but also a heartfelt caring) and ruffled her hair again. "Isn't it cute the way she keeps acting like I embarrass her?"
The Asian girl pushed his hand away. "Will you knock it off?"
"Alright, alright. I'll go tell Mom and Dad."
He stepped out of the way after that, past the table of bottled water (that had been put out for both teams) and dialed a number on his cell. As soon as he was out of earshot Nicole pointed him out and quickly turned to Kyla, who seemed to know him best. "Who was that?"
"My brother," She uttered with a sigh. When she got a half-skeptical, half-confused glare from both Nicole and Spencer when she said that, Kyla went on to explain things. "We're both adopted. Aiden and I."
Nicole looked at him again. "...Aiden...?"
"Yes. God, why does he have to act so goofy all the time?"
Carmen smiled at her. "He wouldn't enjoy teasing you so much if you didn't take it so seriously."
"Whatever."
Nicole, smile-ridden, still hadn't taken her eyes off of him. "...I think he's sweet."
It took a moment but Spencer soon caught on to something. In fact it would eventually stagger her how long it took her to work out. Nicole liked Aiden. You could see it in her eyes, the way she watched him, the way she smiled at him, the way she fiddled with her hair and wiped the sweat from her brow. It was unmistakable. But then a little something else entered Spencer's mind.
She wasn't upset about it.
Why wasn't she upset? She was attracted to Nicole. Even now as she glowed with perspiration from her match she looked ridiculously beautiful. The thought of sharing her time with Nicole with anyone else still seemed unfair. So why? Why didn't it bother her? Somewhere, deep down inside her, Spencer knew the answer. She finally had an answer to at least one question in her life. Things had changed since she learned about Ashley. It had made her look at things different, and very quickly so. It was probably why she'd spent most of the match not really thinking about it -- but rather wondering why Ashley hadn't called her since Sunday. She thought back to all those times when Ashley was so rough and forceful with her. She'd been in awe of Ashley's confidence, her sexuality, her errant sensuality, and the explosiveness of their sex. But there hadn't been any emotional attachment -- she'd never gotten any true sense of Ashley caring about her. Spencer had compared herself to a vibrator in that respect before and the more Spencer thought about it the more that analogy seemed apt. That emotional detachment, that deficit of caring, had she sought to fill that with Nicole? It was a given that she was attractive. And it was a given that Spencer found her so. Who on earth wouldn't be attracted to Nicole Milligan? But what really was there, beneath all that? To be honest, Spencer hadn't really considered it -- until now.
She'd figured she'd had a crush on Nicole. Many more people would in the future. But honestly she hadn't really thought about taking it further. She'd imagined Nicole bridging that gap for her, taking the first step, even though it was clear she was as straight as a barge pole. But did she really and truly feel something for her? Something other than friendship and admiration? The more she wondered the more Spencer questioned if she ever did. It was becoming clear now that the emotional attachment she had to Nicole wasn't 'love'.
The truth was, she didn't have feelings for Nicole. She had been trying to have feelings for her. And in Spencer's own analytical mind it made sense. Everything she wasn't getting from Ashley she had tried to get from Nicole. The cute kindness, the selflessness, the consideration, the genuine caring. After seeing Ashley for who she really was though; it was clear that these things did exist in her even if she was unwilling (or at the very least unable) to let the rest of the world know. The knowledge that had shunted Nicole out of the center of her earth with almost frightening speed and with good reason.
These thoughts weren't hitting her all at once. She'd been thinking hard about them since Sunday, since that time they were together in Cunningham Park, where for the first time since they'd met each other, Spencer wanted to do something other than hang out with Nicole. That was when it first started to sink in.
You see, as much as she hated thinking about Raiff's abuse of Ashley, there was a part of her that was almost glad that she knew about it. Seeing Ashley's shaky life had made Spencer question everything that she thought she knew about her own. It was like a cloud hanging over her head had been removed. Now she was observing things with real clarity for the first time in her isolated life. Maybe her parents weren't as horrible as she thought they were -- maybe they were just normal, flawed people. Maybe Nicole wasn't the seraphic answer to all her prayers -- maybe she was simply an average girl that Spencer had recklessly idealized to be a substitute for Ashley. Maybe Ashley wasn't the self-centered bitch Spencer had thought her to be all along -- maybe she was actually a fragile person so hurt by and resentful of her circumstances that she wasn't thinking clearly.
Maybe Spencer herself wasn't the eternal doormat of the world -- maybe she was just a lonely kid, a kid who wasn't used to such a strong rush of emotions and thoughts.
Spencer was knee-deep in all that thinking, all that consideration, for minutes, until she noticed someone waving their hand in front of her. She blinked and saw that it was Carmen (with Kyla closely flanking her as per usual). It snapped her out of the reverie.
"Hello?" Carmen said curiously. "Are you in there?"
Her blonde tresses whipped around her face when she shook her head, dispersing her personal revelations for the time being. She looked around, wondering how long she'd been distracted. Nicole's parents were gone, as were most people by the bleachers -- there were no Blue Angels in sight. Nicole herself was standing with the far taller Aiden, smiling and playing with her hair as he explained something to her. Both she and Carmen had taken off their soccer attire and were redressed in normal clothing.
"Are you okay?" Carmen asked. "You keep spacing out."
Spencer gave her a warm little smile in return. "I'm fine. Just thinking about some stuff."
"Okay. Well, we're getting ready to go now. Are you coming?"
The pizza thing. Spencer glanced over in Nicole's direction. She was still talking with Aiden. Her gaze returned to Carmen. "Um, I think I'm just going home. I want to be back before my parents and I've got some homework to finish up. You guys go. Have fun."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes. It's fine. Tell Nicole I'll see her tomorrow morning, okay?"
"Why don't you just tell her yours-" Carmen then glanced in Nicole and Aiden's direction. They were laughing with each other about something. It gave Carmen a brief little smirk, though Spencer couldn't tell what it was that she found amusing about it. "I guess someone just made a friend. Is she normally this distracted by a cute guy?"
Spencer shrugged. "I wouldn't know."
"I guess. Alright then, I'll tell her," affirmed the taller girl. "Look, thanks for coming to watch the game with everyone. It's really cool when we have some support while we're out there."
"It was my pleasure," Spencer then gave Carmen and Kyla parting nods. "I'll be seeing you."
She turned to leave the field just as Carmen and Kyla approached Nicole and Aiden. Spencer didn't wonder if she was missing out on anything. It might have been nice to head out with them for pizza tonight but she wasn't really in the mood. It wasn't that she was feeling lousy or anything. Right now Spencer just didn't feel like she was in the right... `space`. All she'd wanted was to support Nicole during her first soccer game and she'd done that. So the blonde left the field in the opposite direction and exited Alderson High through the rear gates. She strode down to the bus stop and waited. When one arrived she took it all the way to her street. When she got off she walked the rest of the way to her door. Then she saw a familiar wagon parked in her driveway.
Ashley's car.
And the girl herself was leaning on its hood in wait, arms crossed, jaw clenched. A brief smile tugged at Spencer's lips, not just from seeing her, but for seeing how she appeared. She looked a lot better than she did last Saturday. Her black eye had faded. It was still noticeable but it could be concealed with the right cosmetics now. There was only one fresh band-aid on her cheek, the rest of her cuts were healing up nicely, as was the skin around her knuckles. Her right hand was still bandaged (as her ribs probably still were) but all in all she looked far better than before. It was a welcomed change. What Spencer did not welcome was the embittered look on Ashley's face. In fact she was positively angry. And she wasn't looking at anything other than Spencer.
The Carlin girl was cautious as she approached her. "...Are you okay?"
"Where the hell do you get off calling my Mom?" Ashley barked.
It was now that Spencer remembered that Ashley hadn't been in school since Friday. When she called Eliza that Sunday morning she expected Ashley to be mad at her -- but she didn't imagine that that was the reason Ashley hadn't called her since. Now she knew that it probably was.
Somehow Spencer understood why Ashley was angry but that didn't stop her from being defiant about it. "...I did it for you..."
"For me?"
"Yes."
Ashley sneered. "Bullshit! I told you to keep this to yourself!"
"She had a right to know..."
"This is my family! My Mom and Dad! I said I'd be fine and now you're screwing everything up!"
The blonde balled her hand into a fist. "I just... I thought I was doing the right thing..."
"The `right thing' would've been to stay out of it! This is none of your business, Spencer!"
At that Spencer took offence. "You made it my business when you had that intern call me!"
A stalemate. Both Spencer and Ashley silenced themselves, staring at each other. Spencer's eyes then darted around her. The lights were off in the house so her parents weren't home yet. They couldn't talk out here either. Someone was bound to overhear. So the studious girl put aside the hostility for a moment to fish her keys out of her backpack pocket.
"What are you doing?" Asked Ashley, whilst she unlocked the door.
Spencer frowned. "Come inside."
When they both walked in Spencer shut the door behind her. The last thing she wanted was for one of her neighbors to overhear them again and start spreading rumors around the street. It would get back to her mother in time. So that left the two of them standing together silently in the corridor. It was Spencer who eventually broke that quiet when she asked;
"What happened?"
Ashley exhaled. "My Mom came to the apartment Sunday evening while my Dad was out. Told me to grab my stuff and took me back to her place in West Hollywood. I've been living there since."
"Isn't that a good thing?" Said Spencer.
"What's he gonna do on his own? Without me there?"
"Why do you even care?"
Ashley looked away. "...I cannot believe we are having this conversation again."
"...Look," Spencer shrugged off her backpack. "I'm... so sorry I went behind your back, okay? I didn't do it spite you or anything like that. I only did it because I'm worried about you."
There was a pause then. Ashley turned to Spencer again. The expression was blank but questioning, hiding poorly a quite palpable confusion. Her words were suitable pithy. "Why?"
"...Why what?"
A shrug. "Why?"
"Why what?" Spencer repeated, not getting it.
Ashley stepped closer to her. "Why? After everything that happened... why?"
Now she knew what Ashley was talking about. So she looked away.
"I mean... after everything I put you through...?"
Spencer's limbs trembled. Without realizing it she had taken steps back. It only occurred to her when she felt her back hit the wall. Ashley came up to her then, holding her in place without a single touch. Even so she did nothing else but look away. "...I don't know..."
Yet still Ashley was insistent. "Spencer. Why would you? I mean... why did you-"
"I don't know! Okay?" In her frustration Spencer finally met eyes with Ashley again. In the older girl's face she could see her own bewilderment. It wasn't pretty. But it was sincere. "I don't know. I just... I hate seeing you hurt... and I just hate thinking about him... hurting you..."
It was true. Anytime Spencer thought about what Raiff had done to Ashley, and she pictured the end result that she saw that cold Saturday night, she felt a churning in her stomach. It sickened her. But worse still it made her heart ache. Anyone who had been heartbroken will tell you unequivocally that it was truly a physical pain. She could feel it in her chest, that pain. And she couldn't bear it. Even now she was feeling its weight. Spencer shut her eyes, tilted her head back, and swallowed down all the emotion she'd been forced to feel these past few days. She took deep breaths to calm herself, to try and not let those thoughts overwhelm her, and in time she opened eyes once again.
She found herself staring into Ashley's deep chocolate eyes. She couldn't even read Ashley's expression, she was so into them. From then on she simply lost sight of her surroundings. Whatever her own thoughts were at that point weren't mattering much, because the next thing she knew, Ashley's lips were pressed softly against hers. Her bright blue eyes slipped shut as a whimper escaped her. Her hands, now no longer shaking, were pressed flat against the wall behind her. Spencer's entire body melted into ineffectiveness as she stood up against that wall, Ashley kissing her like that. Every feeling was animate; the smoothness of Ashley's lips, the firmness of Ashley's hands upon her little shoulders, the tautness of Ashley's stomach pushing into her own. But it was different from every other kiss they'd had before. Ashley was soft with her, tender, and warm. It didn't feel forced. But as soon as Spencer really realized that she was kissing her back, that she was relenting to it and pleading for it all in one breath, she stopped. Her hands went to Ashley's own shoulders and pushed her back, breaking their kiss.
"...Wait. Don't..." She whispered in gasps.
Ashley's eyes darted from side to side, searching the younger girl's reaction, then hung her head. "I... I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that..."
"No, it's... it isn't that," Spencer caught her breath, ignoring the heat she felt in her cheeks. "It's... I just... I don`t know how I feel about you. I need to... figure that out first, okay? I just need more time. Please give me that."
"...Okay."
"We need to... understand each other again, you know? Really learn each other."
Ashley visibly swallowed. "I really want to try."
"Do you?"
"Yes."
Spencer gave a gentle caress of Ashley's cheek. "Then can you do something for me? To prove it?"
"What?"
"I need you to apologize to Nicole for what you said."
She could tell that that wasn't what Ashley had in mind when she asked the question. But that was want she wanted. She was sick of having to worry about what Ashley and Nicole would do to each other if they ever bumped into each other again. So Spencer watched for the older girl's reaction, watched her pull back, release her shoulders, and quietly debate with herself about it. But she soon got her answer.
With a heavy sigh Ashley exclaimed, "I'll do it."
Spencer smiled at her for it. "Thank you."