Espada Diaries
Chapter 5
The Fifth Espada
Nnoitra
A/N- Yay! The chaotic randomness ensues! Thanks to Gopher Child, Puppy, Kat, Rafiki20 Halibel Lecter and DoKixDoKi for sending in those reviews, and thanks to those of you who gave me a few ideas. I have a new chapter layout!!! And a very special thank you to nel_3_arrancar of Gaia online for feeding me the Blocked Toilet of Las Noches Scenario!
1. Stark
2. Stark continued
3. Halibel
3.2. Halibel Rewritten
4. Ulquiorra
5. Nnoitra
6. Grimmjow
7. Zomarri
8. Szayel
9. Aaroniero
10. Yammy
11. Luppi
12. Nel
13. Aizen
14. Tousen
15. Gin
16. Wonderwice
17. Special Author's Diary, The Making Of Espada Diaries
-XxXxX-
November 4th,
Being a single parent SUCKS.
I mean, besides the fact that I can eat stuff with my kids... solids and liquids!
I, Nnoitra Jiruga am now the father of triplet baby sporks, one of which is a midget spork. I WAS married before the fork ran off with the kitchen butter knife...
On the bright side...I can check out the other silverware now! Spatula, baby, here I come!
Zomarri has been playing substitute Mommy for the time we're in hiding. In other words, I just leave him with them and a load of ice cream, he entertained all day.
Why, of all places. did he choose a FREEZER for us to hide in? Besides all the chocolate-y goodness that's stored here...
I suddenly remember why.
Oh...and about Halibel's underwear, it wasn't me who chose to keep them, I swear.
"Mr. Z" here had the BRILLIANT idea of keeping them as some sort of fucked-up hat. But he just ended up fastening them to a stick and poking me every three seconds with them...
It's absolutely miserable sitting in here day and night. I tried to sleep once a few days ago, but Zomarri dyed my hair neon green and tye-dyed my uniform.
Yes, I am now a COLORFUL spoon. Get over it.
Well, I haven't really been a spoon since Zomarri forced me to eat my collar so I could fit into the freezer...
Oh no, I think Grimmjow has found out where we're hiding! He's coming nearer, I can hear his voice, I can practically SMELL that damned kitty-cat odour!
Since when has Ulquiorra's pet name been "Mr. Cuddlesworth"?
Oh no, Zomarri's giving me that "We HAVE to go check this out!" look.
-XxXxX-
Yep, being dragged out of our hidey hole.
Oh no, Grimmjow has adopted one of Wonderwice's pieces of abstract art (something random he took and fingerpainted) It's a cat, which now seems to be following him throughout Las Noches.
It is orange, pink, bright purple, lime green, silver and yellow. Grimmjow better hide it away before Szayel sees how gay it is and tries to steal it.
Haha. Ulquiorra's seen the cat and got all jealous. Poor emo kid is hiding in a corner now.
No, we're not STALKING Grimmjow, we're UNSEEN FOLLOWING.
Time to get back to the freezer, I hear Gin coming. There's a lot of crashing sounds coming from the same general direction. I'll assume Luppi's with him.
No, he's attempting some sort of messed up martial art...and destroying everything in sight while he's at it.
He's humming "Eye of The Tiger". That can NEVER be good news.
Zomarri and I have just gotten roundhouse kicked back into the freezer. It turns out that Gin was (failing at) impersonating Chuck Norris.
Oh no, here come the Chuck Norris jokes, SAVE ME!!!
-XxXxX-
Things are getting boring, just sitting here in a freezer...
Or they were until we discovered that Aizen's having toilet troubles.
He somehow managed to clog up his en-suite toilet, and Tousen has been no help, since his "seeing eye dog" Wonderwice has been leading him in circles for hours now. Gin and Luppi have been watching Aizen freak out over it, laughing loudly. Gin roundhouse-kicked the wall and broke that too. Ha-ha.
So we've decided to film a little home-video. Oh, how everyone will laugh at this in a few hundred years.
Aizen went out to buy toilet cleaner and a plunger. But he ended up with mouthwash and a wrench. A lot of good that'll do him.
Wonderwice has drank the mouthwash, and is now drunk. He's gone to his room (dragging Tousen along) and is eating his fingerpaints.
Uh-oh. He's discovered where Halibel is growing her catnip garden and has fed it to Grimmjow...and Zomarri.
Don't ask me how he managed to force-feed Zomarri kitty drugs. It probably had to do with the torcher chamber I found just off Wonderwice's room...
We're all doomed! Wonderwice got into Szayel's lab and released some sort of freaky experiment upon us. Sure... it seems to be afraid of the light and is hiding in a cupboard in Tousen's room... but I'm telling you, this thing can't be harmless. After all, Szayel created it.
It ate Gin. It can't be all bad... I'll try and lure it out of the cupboard. I shall call it Fluffy and it shall be my freezer buddy now that Zomarri is perma-high from overdosage of catnip... and possibly finger paint fumes.
Wonderwice has painted the freezer bright green. It didn't last long though, Fluffy ate it.
This can't be good... Fluffy is mutating. Maybe those fingerpaints have something strange in them...?
Yup, Luppi's socks. And the label on the paint says "Do not expose to gay-ness. Radioactive material will result."
Normal got thrown out the wondow here long ago...(along with the fingerpaints. Fluffy threw them) who buys fingerpaints that react to Gay-ness?? We're all doomed if that's the case!
This is insanity... Insane times call for insane measures... time to get a girl's advice.
Went to see Halibel. She was cooking. A strange violet smoke was filling the room, and it smelled like feet... she said she was making tea. This was just too weird, so I left her alone.
Turns out the jar of fingerpaint with Luppi's socks ended up in the teapot when Fluffy flung it. I caught Aizen sipping the tea later. He was apparently pleased with it. He said the flavor was "Robust, complex and fruity." Tee-hee.
Fluffy turned into some sort of dinosaur thing. He's no longer Fluffy, he's Scaly.
Oh NO!!! SCALY'S TRYING TO EAT MEEEE!!!
Ran into Halibel while running away. She's now making french toast. Is the bread supposed to be neon orange?
Good God! No time for French Toast talk!!! I tried to explain to Halibel, but she though I was crazy. Then again I did yell at her "FRENCH TOAST? GOOD GOD WOMAN, THE DINOSAURS ARE COMING TO GET US AND YOU'RE MAKING FRENCH TOAST!!!???"
"Fluffy" ran around the corner, and skidded into a wall. The fumes from Halibel's french toast must be making him drunk.
The revenge of Ichimaru Gin!!! After smelling the French Toast, fluffy threw up Gin all over the floor. Somehow still alive, Gin roundhouse-kicked Fluffy in the head and sent him flying back into Szayel's lab.
A... happy ending? Wow, this is one retarted day. I have to go clear my head of retarted-ness... and upload this video onto the internet and mass email it to everyone.
-Nnoitra-
A/N- again, sorry for the loooooong update time! I need more ideas, feed the idea machine and updates will come faster. Reviews also help :D
Thanks for reading!
-Fail-san