Espada Diaries

Chapter 6

The Sixth Espada

Grimmjow

A/N- That's right! E-Fail's baaaaack! And with all new insanity! Thanks to G-Child for amazing support and inspiration to write another chapter of this little monstronsity.

-XxXxX-

January 23rd

Dear fucking diary (or whatever the hell this is)

Well...all has once more gone to hell here in Las Noches. For some reason (he's probably eaten all his fraccion again), Szayel has started to use himself as a test subject. He's finally cracked because of the new drug he's testing. He's been proncing around all day yelling "It's the attack of the flying blowjob!" and tackling random people. He jumped on my back earlier and and yelled "I wear the cowboy hat! Yee-ha! Giddyup Sunnymuffin!" Oh. My. Aizen. He's such a fruit.

Of course, I've just been prowling the halls randomly and casually, looking for something to ease my boredom, when he jumps on my back. I tell him to get the hell off, and when he does, a laser cuts through the hall right behind us. What the hell has he done now?

Even the MOON'S fucked over now! Szayel, inspired by his gay drug-induced outburst, has made the moon into something that yells out "I'MMA FIRIN" MAH LASER!!!" and destroys some part of this place with a giant laser seconds later. Oh damn. It better not have gotten my room!

No, it didn't get my room. But it did blast down the door to Szayel's lab, releasing Fluffy and also the newest of Szayel's creations, Bubbles. They ran free for about an hour before Nnoitra herded them up using a bit of sausage and a very strong rope. He's tied them both outside.

Uh-oh. Since when has Las Noches had aliens?

MEXICAN aliens??? There's a flying sombrero abducting Bubbles! And they've unleashed a flock of flaming seagulls on us!!! Oh no!! Whatever will we do against the flaming seagulls???

They've burned up and died. Ther's just a smouldering pile of feathers left on the ground now... Hah. So much for the weapon of mass destruction.

Oh God. Ulquiorra and I have a lovechild. He was the one flying the sombrero.

Wait... if Ulquiorra's a spanish-orgin name, and mine's german-orgin, would that mean that spanish plus german equals mexican???

Oh no. Wonderwiess must have given our "child" some of his catnip-and-finger paint concoction. There's a giant waffle hanging in the sky now. How the HELL did he get a giant waffle???

The better question is, how did he make a sombrero fly? Ah well, fuck this. I'm going to play some board games.

Ended up playing Monopoly with Wonderwiess and Yammy. Considering that he's a dumbass, I had to read out all the cards for Yammy. But I got fed up with this very quickly, and swiped my arm over the board. Fuck this game!!!

I hit Wonderwiess in the head with the little iron... and he went to sleep. Is that a bad thing?

He's woken up now... but he's...different. Meaning that he's saying more than "Uuahhhh..." No, he's ACTUALLY TALKING now! When he woke up, he looked at me, blinked for a second then said "It seems you've hit me in the upper region of my cranium." But I also fear insanity, 'cause soon after the catnip he had eaten while we were playing kicked in, and he got really close to Yammy, and asked for his numba...

"Parent" counsel meeting in the main hall. In other words, Aizen's called me and Ulquiorra to discuss our "habits" oh great... the sex talk from our almighty fucked-up leader!

Oh no. Gin and Tousen are there too. This must be some intervention.

Wrong. The hall is decorated with "It's a Boy!" balloons. All the other Espada are here too... Hey... this looks like a- ON NO!!! IT'S A BABY SHOWER!!! RUN FOR THE HILLS!!!!!!!

They've all tied me and Ulquiorra to a pole. Since when have we had a pole in the middle of the meeting hall anyways???!!! And since when has Ulquiorra worn a sombrero and multicolored spanish-style shirt???!!!!!!!

Damn. This MUST have something to do with Szayel. It explains everything. The tacky decorations, my gay-dar beeping LOUDLY in my brain...ah-hem...

That FRUITY little BITCH has trained flying fish to drag banners around. No, not regular flying fish, but trout with big, feathery pink wings. How typically gay.

They're singing. Fuck this shit. I'm getting out of here with my...erm... bride? INSERT MOVIE CLICHE HERE!

Happy birthday??? Why would they be singin- HOSHIT.

Halibel has just very kidly... emr... scratch that. Anyways, she reminded me that it was Ulquiorra's birthday by yelling at me "Get your ass into that coctail dress! You've gotta be in the cake for when your Emo-car comes back!"

What fresh HELL!!!??? I've been somehow forced into a red, frilly cocktail dress and stuffed into a HUGE cake with a pair of maracas. Halibel cooked the cake, which would explain why the cake was bright orange... and why I found a sock and a hot pepper lodged in the cake next to me...

Burst forth from the cake at last!!! Finally I'm free from that horrible scent! Really, it smelled like Luppi in there! All fruity... and... GAY.

Put my Espada uniform back on only to realize that it has been tie-dyed green and purple. And the pockets have been filled with sporks... my Nnoitra and Zomarri senses are tingling... this has their names written all over it.

It also has "GAY!" written all over the pants, but that's completely besides the damned point.

I. Must. Get. Revenge. On. Their. Asses.

Damn. This evil planning stuff really should be left to the pink-haired freak... it's much harder than it looks. All I've gotten out of it was a headache and a giant evil waffle iron.

It chased me around my room for an hour before Ulquiorra came in with a frying pan, smacked it and trapped it in a cage. It's been growling at me ever sice.

Where did Ulquiorra get a frying pan??? I was lookng everywhere for something to make my damn pancakes in this morning...

It seems that he can materialize things from his pockets. He always has his hands in there... Who knows that he could have ready to pull out in a battle???

A giant pastel pink rubber duckie and several of Nnoitra's spork babies. Is that normal?

Ah, who the Hell cares? Normal died around here a LOOOOONNNGGG time ago.

Spork-producing pockets though... that's weird even for Las Fucked-up Noches.

HAH! Nnoitra and Zomarri walked into a trap that... I didn't set? What fresh hell???

It was THEIR OWN trap. Surely they can't be that retarted?

Szayel must have beamed them with his gay-ser beam. They're acting like dumb little girls.

Victory is mine!!! I set the giant evil waffle iron after them, and Nnoitra stuck his tongue in it! He's been skipping around with it hanging out of his mouth all evening.

Oh, happy fucking days. Zomarri's using Nnoirta's tongue as a leash. I'll have this image stuck in my head all night now.

Speaking of which, I have to go mass-produce more mexican babies... I'll write in this damned thing later.

-Grimmjow-

-xXxXx-

A/N- Wow, this chapter has to be sort of retarted. I must stick a warning label on it... nah... too lazy. I've spent much time, blood, sweat, laughs, and tears over this. I hope you all enjoy and leave me with all kinds of juicy reviews with some new ideas!

Just a note- keep in note of you go through it again that I made a little fail when originally typing this up, and spelled "duckie" as "dickie" instead. Doesn't that present an odd image?