They say depression makes you see everything in a negative light. I disagree. It makes you see things for what they are. It makes you take off the fucking rose-tinted glasses and look around and see the world as it really is- cruel, harsh and unfair. It makes you see people in their true colours- shallow, stupid, self absorbed, ungrateful…etc. All that ridiculous optimism, life's-what-you-make-it. It's all just words. Empty words.

It's whether you choose to believe it or not that counts.

Once I was all cried out, I assessed my options for what to do next.

Option 1: Go back and act like nothing happened.

Option 2: Stop pretending, give up and go home.

I knew which option I preferred but I couldn't do it. One of the reasons I did this in the first place was because I didn't want my mum finding out I reminded myself.

Do you know what? Forget the others, I can do this alone.

Fuck the pain,

Fuck the past

Fuck their relationship.

I don't need them. I sure as hell don't. I don't… so why can't I stop thinking about them? Hmmph.

I forced myself to think about something else, anything. It was difficult at first but I managed it after a while. How long had I been here? I switched my phone on to check the time. I had a gazillion texts and missed calls from Robb and his gang. I ignored them all and looked at the time. 15:11. Wow. I hadn't realised I'd been here for so long.

With just four minutes left till school was out, I thought I might as well get a head start and get onto the first bus. I'd have more chance or avoiding them if I did. I wasn't totally sure of the way and after two wrong turns and slimly avoiding a collision with a brick wall, I found the bus stop.

After all the confusion of directions, I was pretty late and everyone else had already been dismissed. Shit. I got onto the third bus feeling a bit sick. Most of the chairs were already occupied so I leant against the side of the bus. I didn't see any sign of them so that calmed my nerves a little bit but when the bus doors closed I was thanking the heavens.

Suddenly, I heard a stampede of footsteps coming down the stairs from the top deck. I saw a flash of Natsume's hair and my heart sank. I tried to get off the bus but it was too crowded and by now Robb had spotted me and was making his way over to me. "What happened? Did someone say something?" he asked. I have to say, I'd never seen him so unattractive. He looked terrified and his eyes had a red outline as if he had been crying.

Why would he cry? I wandered to myself. He had everything, an awesome boyfriend, good looks, acceptance for being gay. I suddenly envied him like mad. He had just about everything I wanted (apart from the acceptance thing but that's still a bonus) and he still was unhappy. "Leave me the fuck alone!" I said pushing past every guy on the bus and pressing the 'emergency open door' button, the door opened as the bus was still driving down a busy street. "Wait!" Robb called.

I jumped off the bus.

I managed to land on my feet but I had lost balance. The car in front of me missed hitting me by inches. The angry driver honked his horn. "Piss off!" I yelled giving the driver the finger. I walked over to the pavement and decided to walk the rest of the way home. I could see Robb banging on the windows of the bus and as it disappeared from view, he disappeared from my thoughts.

How the hell am I supposed to get home now? I knew the way roughly but it was really far. I could wait for another bus but it was freezing so I walked and walked and walked. By the time I got home I collapsed on the couch and had a painful stitch. "What's wrong, honey?" my mum asked. I couldn't possible tell her the truth. "The bus broke down so I had to walk" I said. I couldn't stand not telling her the truth so I went upstairs and locked myself in my room.

I left the light off; the darkness was kind of comforting for some reason. I played songs as loud as they would go so I couldn't hear my thoughts. I kept focused on the music, remembering to skip the songs that had anything to do with love. I listened to aggressive songs like 'waking the demon' by Bullet for My Valentine. Well… I did until I remembered the name of the band. It was difficult to forget him when almost everything reminded me of Natsume.

I had to do something to take my mind off things. Anything, but nothing came to mind. I felt my way in the dark to my bed. I lay on it, staring at the ceiling. It was a plain white colour. It looked empty and slightly eerie in the dark. I sat like that for a while but my eyes were stinging from all the crying I had done earlier. I closed my eyes and let myself fall into unconsciousness. I slept for quite a few hours before my mum came in with a tray of food. "Mikan? Let me in" she said knocking on my door.

I groaned. "Can't. Tired. Walked all the way home" I reminded her tiredly. "Okay well, I'll leave you're tray outside your room. Make sure you eat it all" I grunted in response. That's one thing I loved about my mum, she knew when to leave me alone.

I didn't leave my room all night. I just stayed in bed sleeping. It was the easiest time to forget everything. I was scared when my alarm rang telling me to wake up. I was still extremely tired as if last night hadn't counted. I dragged myself out of bed and the first thing I saw was my reflection in the mirror. I looked almost as awful as I felt. My eyes were bloodshot and they had deep bruise like shadows beneath them. My hair was a mess, my skin was really pale and I generally looked tired.

I looked about four years older than my actual age; it must have been from all the depression and tiredness. I didn't want to go to school today but I knew I had to, if I didn't my mum would eventually insist on coming into my room and "talking" to me. I had nowhere to go other than school. I hoped the boring lessons would distract me.

My heart fucking burst into fire when I went to put on Robb's old school uniform (which he lent to me for the time I spent at his school). It was all a reminder. As I put on the wig he made I felt a little guilty.

Robb had been really kind to me through everything and it wasn't his fault Natsume liked him. I was really mean to him and he didn't deserve it. It's funny; just when you think you can't feel any worse something pops up and drags you lower than you thought possible.

School was horrible without anyone there to support me. I missed Robb like mad yet I knew if I approached him, the depression would be too much for me to handle. I tried to drown everything and everyone out.

Robb tried to talk to me several times but I ignored him. He looked upset, heartbroken even and when Natsume tried to speak to me in Drama I totally flipped. "Just leave me the hell alone!" I shouted and stormed out.

I hadn't got in trouble for that…yet but I honestly didn't care if I did. They could tie me to an electric chair and shock me and I wouldn't give a damn. Everything I loved and wanted had already been taken away from me. I just didn't want to have to be the one that kills me.

It's selfish really, wanting to die. I wandered what it would do to my mum and just after my dad's death as well… I shook the thought from my head. There wasn't an ounce of hope left in me. It had all been drained, sucked from me, until it was non-existent. At least I was honest with myself.