I didn't get a wink of sleep. I was too worried about Robb. At first, I tried to sleep but I couldn't so I gave up and lay in Natsume's spare room staring at my phone and willing it to ring. I think it was about 11:00am when my phone finally began ringing, I answered it without even thinking.
"Hello?" I asked. "Hello, this is Sandra Frehley, from Kelsey Grove Hospital, we met yesterday" I felt my eyes widening. "Is it Robb? Is he okay now?" I asked. "He's conscious and he is starting to speak" she said "can I come and see him?" I asked. "Sure" she said. "Okay thanks for calling, I'm on my way. Bye" I hung up before she could even say goodbye back.
Natsume hadn't spoken to me all day, I heard him get up earlier but he didn't come in. "Natsume?" I called rushing out of the door. "Yeah?" he yelled back from downstairs, I ran down them, skipping a few as I went and almost tripping over myself. "Woah! We don't need two people in hospital!" he said catching me effortlessly.
I managed a fake smile, it wasn't very impressive. He frowned, "wasn't that the hospital on the phone?" he asked. "How did you hear from all the way down here?" I asked. He didn't say a word. "Whatever. They said Robb's okay now and we can go and see him, he's even speaking now" I said. "You don't sound very excited" Natsume pointed out.
I breathed heavily. "I don't know what to expect. What if he's still depressed or mad at me or something?" I asked. "Well, there's only one way to find out" said Natsume, going upstairs to his room.
"I'm going to get changed, I won't take long" he said. "Wait, what am I going to wear?" I asked realising I hadn't expected to stay the night. "You can borrow something of mine" he said chuckling almost hysterically. I slapped his arm and glared at him. "Come on, let's get you changed" he said happily. "God do you guys have to be so loud?" Kai said massaging his temples as he walked out of his room. "Sorry" I said glaring at Natsume again.
Natsume's closet was giant and covered with piles of clothes, stacked messily one on top of the other. He pulled out a shirt and a small pair of jeans, "this will have to do" he said obviously enjoying this. "I hate you" I said melodramatically. He laughed, "I love you too babe" and blew me a kiss. Grr!
I went back into the spare room to get changed, the shirt was horribly baggy on me and the jean legs were too long but I had no choice. I stayed in the room staring at the mirror in disgust. I looked horribly tired and my hair was a mess. If Natsume didn't know any better I was sure he would mistake me for a homeless person.
"Ready?" Natsume asked knocking on my door. "No" I replied, still attacking my hair with my brush, trying to make it look somewhat tidy. He came in anyway, "you look fine" he said taking the brush out of my hands and dragging me out of the room. "You're just saying that" I said annoyed. "Maybe, but doesn't mean I don't mean it" he said poking my nose.
We went downstairs and as Natsume quickly told his mum where we were going, I peeked through the dining room door and watched Kai eat his breakfast. When he noticed me he raised his eyebrows "Lookin' good" he said laughing. "No need to be sarcastic" I said slightly pissed off. "No really, you look kinda hot, like you haven't even tried to look good at all. You look messy, but in a good way" he said. I wasn't sure if that was a compliment or not, I glared at him nonetheless.
I was sure that if I carried on this way that my eyes would be permanently glued to each other. "Come on, time to go" said Natsume interrupting my little glare-fest.
The bus ride happened all too fast. I was dreading seeing Robb again, what if he would never be the same again? Would he always be that waxwork-like boy I saw in the hospital bed? If he was I wasn't sure I wanted to see him but I knew I owed him that much, I just needed to apologise and I needed to know why he did it. It couldn't have been all because of me, it must have been something else too and he was my best friend. Whatever it was that was upsetting him, I wanted to be able to help.
We followed the familiar path in the hospital and went through all of the sick people lying in bed. I stopped outside Robb's curtain, not wanting to see what lay inside. Natsume gave me a look which told me more than words could ever say. I went inside, luckily Robb was looking a little better, and he was sitting up and having a conversation with Emily. He was even smiling but when he saw my face, his smile faded and he sat back.
Emily looked at me apologetically. "Can I speak to him?" I asked her. She nodded and stepped outside. "Natsume" I said nodding to the curtains, he gave me a quick smile for confidence and disappeared through the curtains. I could hear him making small talk with Emily.
"Hi" I said to Robb uncertainly. He sighed. "What are you doing here?" he asked. This wasn't the answer I was hoping for but I guess it was the answer I deserved. I tried not to cry, but the tears were filling up in my eyes and I couldn't help it. "I'm sorry, come here" he said extending his arms out to me. I let him hug me as I cried. I forced myself to calm down and I looked him in the eyes.
"There's something I want to ask you" his arms dropped, his eyes looked wary, almost scared. The look on his face nearly forced me back but I kept pushing to get the words out. I needed to know. I would never be able to put it behind me if I didn't know and I knew if I didn't ask now, I would be too afraid to ask later.
He is gnawing on his lip; I know what that means and I want to retreat, retract. "I need to know why." The colour had risen to his cheeks and his discomfort was palpable. He looked down at his knees, the colour still high in his cheeks, and I can see the rapid rise and fall of his chest beneath his shirt, I want to reach out, touch him, and say that it's OK, but I can't. "You know why, it's exactly what you're thinking. That is…if Natsume told you?" Robb said quietly. I nodded guiltily.
"You're still my best friend in the whole world and I love you, didn't you even think about what would have happened to me, if you succeeded? What it would have done to me?" I asked trying to suppress the tears. "No" he said in barely a whisper. He didn't look up, couldn't look me in the eyes. "All those people who love you, what would we do without you? We don't want to lose you" I said trying to hug him. He shrugged me off.
"Why didn't you think about everyone else?" I asked, the words quivering infuriatingly. My voice was shaky, the words catching in my throat. It took him a while to reply. I had a feeling he wouldn't answer but to my surprise he opened his mouth, trying to find the right words.
"Because- because when you feel that bad, that low, you stop caring, about everything and everyone. You can only think of yourself" his voice sounded hoarse, hesitant and barely audible. I counted his breaths, seven, eight nine…He had to force the words out. "The pain is so strong it… it takes over you. There isn't any way to stop it. All you can think about is the pain, and everything else gets pushed aside. You just want it to stop; you'd do anything to make it stop. Anything." He looked at me, as if imploring me to understand and I realise with a shock that he is close to tears.
He chewed savagely on his bottom lip, not daring to look at me. "What does it feel like?" I asked softly. He shook his head. "You don't want to know-" "God Robb, I love you" I said, my voice cracking. "Of course I want to know" I said swallowing hard, trying to suppress the rising ball of pain in my throat. I sighed.
"It's just this pain, this unbearable mental pain- often it's your body too and every part of you hurts. You don't really care about the physical pain though, it's your mind.
Every thought hurts like hell. Everything you see is awful, twisted, pointless. And the worst part is yourself. You realise you are the most ghastly person of all because it is all your fault, without you there would be no problem. It makes you feel like the most hideous person in the world, inside and out. You just want to escape, get rid of yourself, of your suffering, of the pain inside your head. A-and d-d-death is the only option because… because you've been through this over and over in your head.
Thought after thought of trying to change yourself. It's pointless because no matter how hard you try, it always leads back t-t-to the fact you want to commit s-suicide. It's the only way. You just d-don't want to be alive-" he breaks off, turning away suddenly, pressing his fingers to his eyes to stop the tears. I cried, the tears rushing down my face.
I stare at the back of his head. My eyes sting, my throat aches. I want to hear this, I want to understand, but at the same time it hurts, on so many different levels. It hurts to hear that he can reach a place where he doesn't care about anyone anymore, doesn't care about damaging me so much I may never recover.
It also hurts to hear him say it, to hear him verbalise even in the most simplistic terms the agony he was going through, has been going through, time and time again while I was blissfully unaware.
I moved towards him to try to touch him but he holds out his good arm to keep me at bay. "Robb…" "I-I'm okay" he said. I clench my teeth together, wincing against the tidal wave of sobs that threatened to engulf me.
"Mikan?" Natsume called poking his head through the curtain. I walked out to meet him. "Can we go?" I asked, my voice uneven. "Just let me have a quick word with him" he replied, going in before I had a chance to stop him.
Emily approached me and put her arm around my shoulder, neither of us said a thing but it was quite comforting.
When Natsume walked out he looked strangely casual, he nodded at Emily and we left. "What did you say to him?" I asked concerned. "I just made sure he was cool with things and he says he doesn't blame either of us, he wants us to be happy" said Natsume. I could have cried of guilt, my heart felt like it was bleeding on the spot. The most horrible thing was though; I knew this was just a fraction of the pain Robb was feeling. It must be so hard on him.
As of that moment, I made Robb my personal hero and idol. He was so strong, so collected and unselfish. I aspired to be like that one day.