A:N/ This last chapter is from Robb's point of view. Enjoy and review! x /A:N
"Are you okay?" my mum asked. "Yes, yes yes!! You've been asking me that none stop all fucking day! Just stop please!" I snapped, not looking away from the window. "I'm sorry" she mumbled quietly. "Wait, I didn't mean to shout, look, go home, I'll be fine for a few hours. Have a bath or something, treat yourself" I said trying t get rid of her. "Well, I do need to wash…Are you sure you'll be okay?" she asked doubtfully. "Yeah, I'll be fine, and if I'm not I'll just call a nurse. Trust me mum" I said.
"Okay, I'll be back in a few hours…" she said still sounded a little unconvinced. I forced a smile and she smiled back, leaving through the curtain.
As soon as she left I turned from the window and sank slowly to a sitting position against the wall. OK, OK, calm down. It's going to be all right. Mikan might still come back… I tell myself. Except she isn't, she doesn't love me, she loves Natsume. I am going to die, I realise. I am really going to die. I put my hands over my face and start to sob. I feel like I am slowly, carefully, being ripped in two.
This pain is worse than anything imaginable, worse than the deepest depression. I can hardly breathe with the strength of it. I feel sure that pain of this intensity cannot be sustained: any minute I will pass out. But I don't, and the pain keeps on growing, fresh waves of undiluted agony.
I was sobbing so hard I could hardly draw breath. My lungs felt as if they were ready to burst and the grasping, retching noises made me sound as if I was suffocating.
Fear coursed through my veins, fear and pain, in equal doses. She has to some back. I cannot live without her. I cannot and I will not. This is what they mean by dying of a broken heart. It is actually possible. I lay down on the cold ground, wanting to knock myself out. The sobs racked my body as if I was being brutally shaken. Every muscle ached with exhaustion and soon, the carpet, my hands, my face, my shirtsleeves-everything was soaked.
I tormented myself with thoughts of Mikan, thoughts of never being able to feel her soft lips, never being able to touch her, talk to her… I gained a strange, savage, satisfaction from it. I wanted to hurt myself more, stab myself in the wound, and break down my horrible, pathetic self. I sank my teeth into the side of my hand and bit down as hard as I could. I could taste blood.
But the physical pain didn't even begin to dent the mental one. I cry until I can barely move. I dragged my aching self over to the bathroom and splashed my face with cold water at a wasted attempt to stop the tears.
I stare into the mirror at my reflection, I glared in disgust. I really looked at myself for the first time and I realised really, just how pathetic I was. Mikan was in love with Natsume, what right did I have to interfere? It had nothing to do with me. I should just let her be happy, and then I feel an epiphany hit me where it hurts.
The only way she will ever be happy is without me, she won't have to live with the guilt if I wasn't there. I had to get out of her way; out of Natsume's way because no matter what happened, they were still my best friends. I finally realised what I had to do. Now, with my head clear, I wrote a letter to Mikan:
My dearest Mikan,
I will not cry anymore, I will not cry and I don't want you to cry either. I want you to be happy with Natsume. When you sung 'letting go' I felt my heart melting, you sang it so beautifully, my love. Perhaps I hoped you would be a mess, perhaps I hoped you would be a wreck. But when you sung it, I realised that I should be the one singing, I should be the one 'letting go.' I knew what I had to do to make you happy. I realised the answer had been there the whole time.
They say that if you really love someone, you should be willing to set them free. So that is what I am doing. I will step back and let you go. I will go and live in London. I will watch you from a distance, watch you succeed in whatever you do. And without me, you will.
My lovely Mikan, my beautiful Mikan. Your happiness means everything to me. My last request to you is that you be happy in whatever you do. I will listen for your voice in the distance; I will keep you in my pocket. I will carry you smile with me everywhere like a warm and comforting glow.
Love, Robb x