Chapter One
Crashing
Tearless grief bleeds inwardly.
Christian Nevell
Shock is a weird thing, mainly because feelings are pretty much the one thing everyone shares and yet you can never really describe how anything feels to anyone else. I mean you can say you're numb and that your brain flickers off for a second… and so on. But that just never seems to really cover it. Especially when the shock comes from loosing someone… numb just doesn't seem to cover the bone deep coldness that you feel.
Of course as bad as I felt I knew that Dr. Cox had to feel at least 10 times worse. I mean it was his ex-wife… they had a kid, even if he didn't know it. Should I tell him that now?
"Yep Jordan's spread out in little tiny, tiny bits across three different county's." No, I should probably wait with the whole baby bomb shell. But I have no idea what else to say. Hallmark doesn't exactly make a card for this type of thing… at least… I hope not. It's disturbing if they do.
JD picked up Jordan's baby and tried again with the bottle. The way the kid latched on, even with gums, JD could understand why Jordan had decided not to breastfeed. Also a good thing for him, since he didn't exactly lactate or anything.
Dr. Cox slumped back down onto the lounge, feet kicked up.
"This is depressing." Perry snorted and flicked the channel; JD's stomach turning when he realized that it was on most of the stations, relieved when Dr. Cox finished up on some kind of cheesy midday flick… only not exactly midday.
JD slid down a little further into the lounge, stunned as he watched the frantic swallowing. It was odd, for a ten minute stretch all Jordan's baby did was suck… stopping rhythmically to snuffle through he's nose. The end result of which was only about 50 ml disappearing from the bottle.
It's truly scary how everything about babies is just so tiny. Little hands, feet, meals… life expectancies. Sorry but that's the kind of mood I'm in right now, just thinking over life in general. At the things we think we'll always have more time to do.
It's also amazing the difference food can make. The little guy… Jesus he needs a name, is now all sleepy and peaceful, quiet and looking nothing like the little monster that he did before. He even falls asleep while I'm changing his nappy, which is really a good thing since I have a hard enough time with it even without him moving.
It's at this point, after covering him up that I realize the snoring I've been hearing is from Dr. Cox currently passed out in a sprawl across the sofa. I pull myself up, feeling half dead… which considering I'm probably almost all dead is pretty good. I take the glass from his hand and set it down on the coffee table.
I know I should go now, Grab a few hours of sleep ad then come back to check in on them both, why this is my job I don't know, it just is. But did I mention the half dead thing; I amble about and find Dr. Cox's bedroom, this idea's making my stomach turn. But since the couch is taken and I don't think I can actually make it home. I decide to crash for a bit on Dr. Cox's bed, it's not a huge deal. He's out like a light and I never sleep for more than half an hour at a time unless I'm in my own bed anyway… So I'll head home in like an hour and he'll never be any the wiser.
That's the plan anyway.
-.-.-
JD woke groggily to an arm thrown across his middle. Who the hell did I manage to take home last night? The only name he could come up with as a possibility was Elliot, only the arm was way too heavy, too big… Carla was slightly more muscular than Elliot… He jerked around roughly, relived when he found Dr. Cox curled around his back. No Carla, not that, now that he thought about it, was it even a possibly, seriously.
JD shifted out of the other's arms, pulling his legs sluggishly from the tangle with Dr. Cox's, a shrill crying drifting in from the lounge. He heated another bottle and fished Perry's baby back out of the stroller. It was at this point, back to being slumped on the other's couch that it occurred to JD that he just woken up cuddling with Dr. Cox. He decided to repress it for now and have a panic attack later when he wasn't still half asleep.
By the time he was done with another bottle and nappy JD found himself no longer half asleep but still wrecked. It wasn't really a surprise he guessed, he'd worked a lot of doubles prior to his last shift and he'd been moonlighting at the free clinic with Turk as well. Sleep though apparently wasn't an optional thing no matter how busy you were.
JD rearranged the chair cushions and set the baby down; turning on the TV he watched Bugs and Daffy chase each other with hammers and kept telling himself he'd leave in five minutes…
-.-.-
"Come on Newbie." JD heard a door shut and smelt… pizza. He sat up trying to swallow the nasty taste from his mouth.
"There ya go Shelly… Open your eyes like a big boy." Dr. Cox said setting a pizza down on the table in front of him.
JD blinked the sleep from he eyes and shifted stiffly. He'd fallen asleep again… damn the baby. JD started as he realized the lounge next to him was empty. He was right in the middle of a panic attack when Dr. Cox walked back in holding his son. This time thankfully there was a bottle in his hand rather than a glass.
"You could've told me you were taking him." JD snapped and then got distracted by the smell of the Pizza.
"Sorry Veronica… I didn't realize the umbilical cord was that short." He snorted stretching out, baby resting against his chest. JD staring in wonder, at how easy the other made the awkward position look.
"What are you staring at Janice." He snapped.
"You ummm… brought me pizza…" JD said lamely and waited for the snipe… but it was better than admitting that Dr. Cox looked cute with his son.
"Well jeez should I lay down newspaper are you honestly excited enough to pee on the floor." Dr. Cox… never one to disappoint. JD rolled his eyes and leaned forward to open the box and pull out a slice.
"What time is it?" He asked noting the darkening since the last time his eyes had been open.
"4.30." Cox said flicking through channels once more. Oddly enough he was back to news programs.
"I can't believe it's not on any of these." He mumbled.
"Well the… crash was playing all morning so; they'll probably have an update later." JD said around a mouth full of cheese, suddenly uncomfortable again, thinking about Jordan.
"No actually I wanted to see if anyone had found Satan sitting by the side of a road… She's been down there long enough you know." He mumbled.
"Do you… do you care that she…" It was a stupid ridiculous question that JD wishes he hadn't bothered with.
"Of course I care Jessica… Unfortunately if I stop cracking jokes and start that long depressing haul down the I loved her, I hated her, I miss her road right now… I may just lose it completely and go toss myself off a very high building."
JD focused hard on the pizza, something clawing at his insides… and suddenly he didn't feel quite so hungry. Actually nausea was currently creeping along his stomach too.
"Dr. Cox I never really said before that I was ya know… sorry about…"
"Don't do it." He threatened, sitting up abruptly and moving to put his son back in the pram and considering his parents the kid was pretty placid most of the time, JD noted, as small blue eyes stared blandly at him. He watched Perry drop the half emptied baby bottle down beside the many alcohol bottles.
"Bit uptight anyway aren't you Mary… G-string riding right up into uncomfortable places again." Cox sniped, this time JD got why.
"Yeah, my pink lacey one's… wanna see?" JD gambled, pleased when the other snorted into his drink. Dr. Cox, after he stopped spluttering peered at him over amber liquid.
The newbie's teasing me. I could just be imagining it. I'm still pretty drunk. Truthfully though I don't really care. I can't be bothered glaring, or being scary and a rant just doesn't hold the appeal that it usually does. Besides he has that hopeful puppy-dog, play with me look.
"God no Sherry, there's not enough alcohol in the world." It can't hurt to indulge him a little. Can it? Oh god what if he starts trying to hug me next… I'll deck him if he does, might make me feel better.
"Yeah right, you want me… you think I'm a hot creature." Oh god now he's glowing like he's just gotten laid… yuk I helped with that.
"Well the creature parts right." I grumble, tossing back the rest of my drink… I think I may actually be glad he's here.