Chapter Eight
Family Affairs
The bitterest tear shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone.
Harriet Beecher Stowe
"Now newbie we've been over this right if you do in fact blow your nose on my sleeve I will be forced to-"
"Lock me in the coffin with Jordan was what you finally decided on right?" JD said smoothly watching Perry lift his son from the backseat of his car.
"And remember Florence Nightingale, Jordan's gatherings always attracted an odd lot of people- so if you should just so happen to see an odd little guy sporting horns and a pitchfork try'en restrain yourself from selling your soul for the rich husband that you've had your girlish heart set on for years." As I've said many times before- my mentor everyone- just hilarious.
"Out of morbid curiosity- what exactly would I have to do to stop you from calling me a girl?"
"Well my first thought would be that you'd actually have to give up being so incredibly female- I mean my god Newbie I won't be one bit surprised if one day I hear your whiny voice behind me and turn to find you sporting a rack beneath your size-too-small scrubs. Which brings me to my next point of oh my god Veronica- just because you can squeeze into a size 4 does not mean you should, even if it does give you that enticing if somewhat pale swell of arse beneath a frilly pink g-string line every time you bend over." Okay so there have been occasions where, when wearing a medium sized pair of scrubs that I have- maybe shown off a little of my butt- but there was no g-string, pink or otherwise.
"You've been watching me bend over?" Okay so I'm stalling, I'm leaned against Dr. Cox car- I wonder why he hasn't ordered me off- with one hand resting firmly against the hood. I don't wanna move, I don't wanna contemplate the row of grave stones just outside of my vision right now.
"You see Janice this is exactly what I mean- the only thing that you took note of in that speech was 'oh yay all the gor-geous manly doctors are checking me out.'" Dr. Cox is pretty much famous for elongating words, this time though he actually puts work into mocking me, fluttering his eye lashes at gorgeous and I get the general impression that he'd jump up and down and clap too if he didn't have his son in his arms.
"Come along Newbie- as gay as it sounds when Johnny Depp says it- I'm sticking to the code- fall behind, get left behind." Okay stalling's over.
-.-.-
There's not much that I've ever thanked god for, though getting to my ex-wife's funeral late is one, everyone is already seated and (this is the part I was thanking not just god in general for but listing the names of every deity I knew alphabetically) I actually managed to sit as far from my ex-mother in law as possible, well maybe not technically, but sitting at opposite corners with a coffin between us did wonders for my mood.
"I don't see Ben anywhere." J.D. pointed out as he took the seat beside mine, I'd already noticed, hard to miss since Ben and I usually gravitate towards each other, we had at every other god forsaken 'family' gathering.
Predictably everyone settles as a priest moves to stand at the top of the coffin and isn't that just a large slice of dramatic irony- a priest at Jordan's funeral, only if he's been defrocked is that in anyway appropriate.
"Well I thought so too- actually I wanted a bartender to conduct the service I thought it would be somehow more appropriate- but you know mother…" Perry froze for a moment trying to brace himself before looking to his right, Jordan sprawled lazily where JD should have been. He looked forward and screwed his eyes shut for a moment.
"Well that's not going to help." Dr. Cox sighed and looked back at his ex-wife.
"Are you in that coffin?"
"Of course what you think its there just for atmosphere." She scoffed inspecting her nails.
"Then what the hell are you doing out here?"
"I can't come to my own funeral Percival?" She snapped hands dropping to her lap.
"No Jordan you can't-" He finally took stock of the red spandex outfit she was wearing, plastic horns resting high on her head.
"Are you…"
"Don't get excited Perry it's just a Halloween costume." She snorted.
"Jordan you're dead…"
"Really? God, I hope so or the coffin may just be a little bit much." She observed coolly.
"Good-god I'm talking to a dead woman-" Perry sighed head dropping into his hand.
"Hey watch my son- and no Perry I'm dead- you're talking to yourself." She said with smug satisfaction.
"You know it's just like you to pull something like this-" He said between clenched teeth. JD's curious gaze met his own as Perry pushed himself up out of the slump.
"Okay- sorry- it was just an offer." The slender man mumbled turning away from him with a distinct 'this is me uncomfortable' tilt to his shoulders.
-.-.-
"Say goodbye to Mum." As I watched Dr. Cox talk to his son and call Jordan 'mum', looking forlorn as he gave her coffin one last look, I labelled it as one of his softest moments- he seemed to hold his son against his chest almost like safety blanket. I'll never ever forget that look, because I knew the moment I saw it that I'd never be able to view Dr. Cox the same again- he's human and from that moment I'd always see him that way.
I then realised that grief is the one thing that can make us feel completely alone and completely hopeless. That it doesn't matter how many people we have around us telling us that it'll be okay, because every fibre of our beings is telling us that everything's changed- that nothing can ever be the same.
"Come on Newbie." The voice was strained and low, Dr. Cox walking in long strides passed JD, not wanting to hang about and deal with Jordan's mother in particular- not that he was especially crazy about her sister either.
"Hey Newbie you wanna drive?" Perry asked when they were halfway across the graveyard and between trying to keep up with the long strides and to suddenly gape at the others offer JD managed to catch his foot on the corner of a bronze plaque and went face first into the grass. He pressed himself up onto his palms after a moment, spitting out grit from between his lips, ready for the berating.
"Tina you keep tripping over your feet like that and you'll never make it as a Ballerina." Despite the words Perry held a hand out to JD, the sentence somehow lacking its normal heartfelt nastiness and somehow that seemed to make JD feel worse.
"I'm sorry but did you just ask if I wanted to drive your car?" JD took the offered hand, gasping as he was hauled up quickly- like he weighed nothing at all.
"Oh come on Newbie it's a 20 minute car trip its not like I asked to father your first born."
"I want a girl- little baby Stephanie." JD said wistfully and then caught himself, he looked over at Perry, who gave him that 'grow a set look'.
"Go ahead say it."
"Too easy Newbie."
-.-.-
"If I find so much as a scratch on my car Greta you are finished." Perry threatened opening the door to his apartment. JD snorted 'easy 20 minute car trip'- more like a 20 minute nervous breakdown. He had spent the whole time trying to concentrate on driving and watch what looked like Perry completely cracking up in the backseat, the other spending the whole trip curled up beside his son's car seat, utterly silent.
This of course went right out the window when JD slightly misjudged the size of the parking space, or more likely he thought the wall itself had actually moved- crept up a little closer just to get him in trouble- they were Perry's walls after all it was entirely possible in JD's opinion that they were plotting against him.
"There's no scratch." Oh god I hope. JD put on his best innocent face, comfortable in the knowledge that Perry most likely wouldn't try'en kill him whilst JD was holding his son, the pair of them sitting on a corner of the lounge watching Perry pace back and forth ripping of various pieces of his suit.
"You've been warned Kimmy." Perry warned as he loosed his tie and disappeared into the bathroom. JD turned Perry's son around to face him.
"If I should happen too suddenly go missing you'll tell everybody you know about this fight right?" A thin string of milky drool slid down the cubby chin.
"Fantastic." This of course made JD wonder if Muppets were in fact allowed to testify at murder trials and if so it posed the interesting question of who would be sworn in, the Muppet or the guy pulling his strings, maybe both. JD shook himself out of the line of thought; as cool as it would be to have Bert, Ernie and Big Bird listed as witnesses in his murder investigation files- it probably wouldn't happen and besides if they had to go into witness protection afterwards that would just make him feel guilty. JD was pulled out of his thoughts on exactly how a Muppet would treated in the witness protection program by a knock at the door.
"Hey whatever you do don't involve Elmo in this- he's too young to die." JD explained as he stood. He got yet more drool in reply as he pulled open the door, blinded by a bright flash as the hall came into view.
"Hey Ben." He winced.