A/N: Guys sorry about the delays- to anyone who's reviewed- thankyou so very much, everyone loves encouragement. Also to anyone who's still with me- I'm sorry if after the wait this seems a little be par... it's bee rewritten to death and I think this is as good as it's getting- overall I'm mostly happy with it, though there are a few stubborn parts I'm still a little iffy on. Hopefully it'll get better.

Chapter Nine

My Dirty Little Secret

If you reveal your secrets to the wind, you should not blame the wind for revealing them to the trees.

Kahlil Gibran (1883 - 1931)

After working over a year at Sacred Heart I've learnt that everyone has a funny way of dealing with death- when you look at it objectively even the 'normal' reactions are pretty strange, people who have stood for weeks by a loved ones side without flinching will suddenly just collapse in on themselves at the end, like the fact that there was a sick family member or friend present was the only thing holding them together. The people who have spent weeks hysterically sobbing, wringing there hands and biting their nails will often just stare at you vacantly- like they have no clue what to do any longer. The one thing you can pretty much bank on though is people will never act like themselves.

Except for Ben…

"Oh, JD's got the baby." There was another bright flash and JD stumbled back a step.

"JD's now blind with the baby." JD said scrubbing at his eyes with his barely free hand.

"Oh can I take him?" Ben asked setting the duffle bag on his shoulder by the door.

"Please do." JD frowned- handing over the baby before trying to clear his eyes of dancing black spots.

"Oh no- the poor guy looks like Jordan." Ben grinned, as JD finally managed to blink his eyes reasonably clear.

"How can you tell?" He asked seriously, watching Ben rock Jordan's son.

"It's mostly the nose, very flat, kind-of baboon like." Ben said, pulling a face.

"Jordan would bitch slap you for talking about her son that way." I jump a little when Dr. Cox reappears suddenly, pulling a jersey down over his head- nobody notices though.

"Yeah but she's not here." Am I the only one uncomfortable talking about her that way?

"Only because I had the place blessed and now evil can't enter."Apparently that's a yes…

"How'd I get in then?" Ben grins as the two hug briefly… and god it makes me jealous… Focus JD…

"Your plane get delayed?" I watch Dr. Cox take his son from Ben and realise that not only is this not the time to moon over the fact that the man would rather chew his left arm off then hug me when he's sober… I also have to tell him about his son… just as soon as I get over the debilitating fear that he'll choke me for just being the messenger on that one.

Ofcourse this does lead me into wondering whether hugging someone when you're drunk counts… probably not… if it did then that mean the other stuff would count too… and there's no way Dr. Cox would ever consciously kiss my belly, I hope-

"It got in on time."

"Then how come you weren't at the funeral."

"I was- I was just up a tree." Up a tree?

"What're you- trying to start another retarded euphemism." Dr. Cox always the polite gentlemen… the up a tree thing is pretty weird though.

"No- I was actually up a tree- I wanted to get some aerial shot of Jordan's coffin and then when my mother turned up I realised why I don't attend family functions so I just stayed up there. Oh and I think you're supposed to say specially-abled euphemisms now." Ben's insane.

"Well that makes perfect sense." Hm, so I'm not the only one doctor Cox uses that tone with…

"Which thing?"

"The tree… mainly because I've been waiting for the day that those uppity; politely phrased sayings would revolt and demand constitutional rights." Okay so clearly their both a little, okay, a lot nuts… Oh god what if crazy is a symptom of having slept with Jordan… and I've caught it. That certainly would explain the urge I had to try on the red evening dress Carla brought…

Wait insanity's not contagious- well actually hysteria is, which is a type of… But Ben's Jordan's brother, so that doesn't work either. At least I hope not or else they've- whoa okay back up from that road Dorian!

"The Bastards… You do remember my mother though, right." Maybe it's a family trait… you sleep with them and loose a couple of eggs out of your basket.

"Vaguely- I've tried my darndest to remove most of those memories with lots and lots of Scotch." Nagh that's just stupid- crazy isn't hereditary- I don't think.

"I see its working for you… since you don't seem to remember that my mothers never actually going to die- God won't take her on moral grounds… and the devil's afraid of her taking over… then again maybe I'm wrong… we did use to say the same thing about Jordan after all."So if I didn't catch crazy from Jordan then what was up wanting to try on Carla's dress… and you know also the actual trying on that may possibly have happened, while she was out.

"They were oh, so much alike." It was pure silk… like a big pair of boxes for my whole body… and the dark red really did bring out the natural hue of my skin… and the whole skirt thing is actually pretty cool no intimidating metal zipper… Of course I couldn't ever actually wear anything like that out…

Ben was about to comment on just how like Jordan his mother looked after her last round of plastic surgery but was distract by JD's rather vacant look. He didn't know a lot about the kid Perry constantly had in toe but didn't think that expression was particularly healthy for anyone.

"Is he okay?" Ben frowned and Perry looked over at the familiar blank expression.

The silks really clingy and if it were cold I'd be embarrassed by people seeing the outline of my nipples… and I'd have to buy shoes for it… though I bet my toes would look great in open heels…

"Yeah he does that on almost an hourly basis." Perry said feeling Jordan's son stir against his chest.

"Just completely tunes out?"

"Yep."

"You ever throw things at him- see how long it takes him to notice?"

"Once or twice." Nothing too large just maybe a half inch heel or-

"Hey Janice-" The vacant expression lasted another half second before Ben hurled one of the sofa cushions at him. It bounced off of JD's chest harmlessly and he blinked at them, wearing that dopey half there expression, that Perry had seen as often as his blank stare.

"It was soft and- silky and Carla's the one who brought it… It's wasn't my fault." He said, suddenly on the defensive.

"Oh god Gracie-Lou Free Bush, please don't e-ever explain what that was about."

-.-.-

Ben was still giving him a funny look when Perry went to put his son down. He wasn't even being covert about it either- which was possibly the most annoying part, JD glancing over at him a few times- hoping he'd look away.

"What?" That same questioning frown stayed in place though.

"Do you know?" He asked, trying for casual… JD unfortunately had no idea what the hell he was talking about

"Do I know what?"

"About Jordan's son… that he's…" Dense as he sometimes was even JD could fill in that blank.

"Dr. Cox's." It wasn't a huge shock that Ben knew about it- he was Jordan's brother after all. Ben nodded and seemed to relax marginally.

"Oh good- you can tell Perry then." He'd already been preparing himself to do just that for a while- so again- it didn't come as a shock.

"Why can't you, you're his best friend." This of course didn't mean he wasn't going to bitch about it.

"Because I value my life." JD could appreciate that- since it was the same reason he hadn't spilled the beans yet. Besides on top of everything else Perry probably didn't need to feel betrayed by his best friend as well.

"Well I figure I'm just gonna let it wait a while- until you know- he's calmer… and you know I'm vacation in a different time zone." I wonder if he'd succeed in choking me through the phone.

"See that was my plan- more or less- then I found out that my dear sweetheart of a mother is coming here at some point this afternoon to pick up her grandchild… since she doesn't know that said grandchild is actually Perry's child." He explained, timing another snapshot perfectly to capture JD's look of absolute panic.

"That means I have to… while we're still in the same state together."On the upside my loans won't be a problem anymore.

Ben shrugged.

"Maybe she won't turn up for a while." The sentence was undercut by someone knocking on the door and he shrugged a second time.

"Of course I have been wrong before." The two of them stood in silence, another knock sounding through the quiet room.

"I'm not answering it." Ben said, face screwed up into a frown.

"Neither am I." It's not like I've ever met Jordan's mother but- well actually I just really wanna keep that tradition alive is all.

On the upside- if neither of us is answering the door- then she's not getting in and I don't have to tell Dr. Cox anything- you know- right now.

"Jesus I leave you two alone for 10 minutes and you both forget how to answer a door." Unless that happens.

"Oh- god… now I understand it entirely… Robin… I just wish you'd called first that way I could have had the old priest and the young priest to-"

"You're still such a charmer Perry- I still cannot understand how my daughter ever let you slip through her fingers." Oh god- she does look like Jordan- only- more plastic- very old plastic.

"You can save your jokes though I'm just here for my grand child. Hi Benjamin." Okay, moment of truth- just be a man and tell him… Ben'll back you up… Or maybe not, since he's currently hiding behind the lounge chair. Yep, this precise moment- watching Ben's arm awkwardly poke up from behind the upholstery in greeting, is when I realise exactly how much trouble I am in.

It's okay though because Dr. Cox is not just going to let her walk out with Jordan's son even if he doesn't know it's his.

"Yeah- sure, why not." Okay- the door, Ben, Dr. Cox handing over his son… I get the way this is working now… Okay, there is no way Lara Bingle is going to show up and let me take her on a date.

Okay- so I don't actually expect her to show up- I do wait by the door for a few minutes- but I don't actually… damn Australian's.

Another unfortunate side effect of my waiting for my dream girl is that Dr. Cox and Jordan's mother have moved into the nursery- presumably to pack up Dr. Cox's son.

I have to tell him

I want my navy scrubs.

-.-.-

Now I want to get one thing perfectly straight upfront, I am not cuddly and I very much doubt I would care much even if Jordan's child was my own spawn. However turning over any child to my ex-mother in law seems tantamount to handing a small animal over to Ozzy Osborne. Especially since babies are pretty much just small animals and you know my mother-in-law has probably bitten the head off of a chicken in the past… or you know some other creature.

"Actually you know now that I've considered it, I don't know that I'm comfortable leaving another child in your care- I mean I've met Jordan and Ben and admittedly Ben is pretty sane but I mean what if that was just some kind of fluke. Did the maid look after him a lot- is that why he has a soul?"Alright maybe I just haven't antagonised anyone in a while.

-.-.-

"Dr. Cox- you can't let her take Jordan's baby because he's actually your baby… and hers too still but mostly just yours… now…" Even though he's botched the sentence a little JD classes it as an accomplishment. He's actually managed to say it- it's all out there, no going back- then he notices that Perry's currently in the middle of dumping stuff out of his son's bag rather than packing it. Actually he's not exactly doing that anymore, has paused with a shirt in his hand and is glaring at JD.

"Glenda what the hell did you just say to me?"

Oh damn it.

-.-.-

"She was going to tell you… I think she was just- scared." Funny how he hadn't considered that at the time, hadn't thought that Jordan could ever be afraid of anything.

"Arghuh."

Then again he'd also assumed that there couldn't be anything scarier than Dr. Cox trying to kill him. Having the other sit on his couch and stare at nothing is a hell of lot more disturbing though and since Perry had half-chased him around his sons crib several times, JD actually has something to compare to. The blank stare is so much more disconcerting than the chasing; it had been a half-arsed attempt though.

"Are you okay?" He questions finally, sitting down gingerly beside the other, wondering if it's entirely smart to be within arms length. Dr. Cox doesn't seem overly interested in him though. He just keeps on staring at some unknown point on the floor.

God he wants Carla right now- or Turk, even Elliot. He hasn't the slightest clue how to handle this, has been treading water since knocking on Dr. Cox's door, has been focused on getting from second to the next with the man, instead of facing the ugly fact, that eventually he was going to start sinking, is starting to go under as he sits there.

"You really did love her didn't you?" It's something he and Turk have discussed quite a bit.

"I really did… Love the bitch." Rather predictably Perry's interest turns to something a hundred proof, he stares at the floor resentfully a second longer before throwing himself over the arm of the chair, heading straight for the few bottles left in his house.

"Whoa, whoa…" JD isn't sure what's he's more impressed by- his own rather graceful vault over the back of Dr. Cox's lounge and the subsequent nicking of Dr. Cox's half full cup or that the man still has alcohol left after his over-long binge.

"Jenna you better give me that cup back- or I'll hang you out the window by your ankles- understand." JD's pretty sure what he's holding now is it though; otherwise Dr. Cox would just pour himself another glass- rather than fight with him.

"Remember what you said to me about not ending up in the bottom of a bottle." JD tried to reason, trying to navigate Perry's living room whilst backing up rather rapidly.

It didn't work out so well, at least not after Perry made a grab for him, his knee hit the corner of the coffee table and they both went down, hitting the floor hard but missing the table completely, which JD was grateful for.

Alcohol splashed out over his fingers, trickling down to pool in his palm, more still hitting the carpet, beading before slowly soaking in, a small amount still coating the bottom of the glass.

"It's gone- it's gone." JD said quickly less than a second after tossing what's left in the glass out onto the carpet; Dr. Cox still struggling with him over it.

JD cringed slightly, letting the emptied glass be taken from him, positive that now; he was going to be strangled.

There's an irate sigh as Perry sets the glass on the table, sitting up to rest his weight on his knees which are set one each side of JD's hips.

"You suck Virginia." Well at least it's not a punch in the face.

"I wanted to tell you." There's another irate sigh and Perry slumps a little, JD can feel the weight resting across his hips now, rather than just the knees against his sides.

"I know you did."

"I think she loved you too… that's why she… lied."

"I know she did."

"You know you have to name him now right." Maybe it's an inappropriate time to bring it up- but it's really starting to get on his nerves having to call the poor kid 'baby' or 'Jordan's son'. Also Dr. Cox isn't saying much and the silence coupled with having a guy in his lap that isn't Turk is starting to make him uncomfortable.

-.-.-

"Jack Daniel Cox." JD stood outside in the bright morning sunlight and contemplated the name Perry had just chosen for his son, before realising the other had kept on walking after handing him copies of now filed forms.

"Jack Daniel…" There is something odd about the name and JD frowns trying to work it out, rushing to fall into step by Perry again.

"Jack Daniel-s… Jack Daniel's..." He paused again, only to watch Perry's back, the other still not breaking stride.

"You named your son after whiskey?" He's really the idiotic one for being surprised, he realises, catching up to Dr. Cox again, almost tripping when Perry stops suddenly, turning on his heal to stare at him for several seconds. Or maybe glare, it was hard to tell with the shades on.

"You're an idiot JD."