Chapter 6: No Strings Attached

I checked my email the next morning. The night didn't go exactly as planned…as we knew it wouldn't. Obviously we did our homework; it just took longer than it should have. It wasn't hard, actually quite easy and quite enjoyable. But that might just be my [not so inner nerd talking. No, the reason it took so long was because Kyla was regaling me with her tales from the dark side. That's what we call her home experiences when Spencer and her insipid cult of "friends" are there.

Though they'd been together since like…what? Sixth grade? I don't even know, nor do I care, but whatever. They'd all been together for a while, and it was still painfully obvious to us that they weren't really friends. Just three, or four depending if you counted Spencer's boyfriend, whom I still swear is gay regardless of what everyone else thinks. Screw everyone else damn it, I'm always right. That kid, total Cake Boy. As Murray would say…

Anyway, they were just three or four people the universe just happened to throw together in a random almost food fight. I say almost because, duh, a single carrot, though sometimes a precursor to food fights of epic proportions, doesn't count as a certifiable one. Sometimes I wish they'd never met, mainly because of Kyla. It wasn't fair that she had to deal with that crap day in and day out. She was nothing but nice to her sister and what did she get for it? Jack. Shit.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not deluded or naïve enough to think that life is always fair to those that truly deserve it; trust me, I'm well aware that it's not. But there's nothing that gets to me more than when the insecure and yet unbelievably arrogant snobs pick on the innocent that would never as much as look at them. People they don't even acknowledge three quarters of the time and then when they do it's either to copy their homework or tests or to make their lives hell. Spencer and the rest of the Idiot Brigade were no different.

Technically Spencer had brains, I mean she was student body president or whatever, but she still had that ditzy, air headed way about her. Her "best girl friend" was to blame for that. Stupid slut.

I opened up the email, completely intrigued just from the user name. It was a clever play on words so I figured I'd give it a whirl.

After I finished I got Kyla on the phone, I needed her to help me weigh the pros and cons. Normally I could do it myself, but this time it was different. She was different. I could feel it.

A few rings later I had her on and began discussing the matter at hand. This mysterious…Bradshaw. Clearly she had a thing for DEBS and I had to give her points for that. It was a classic. And Jordanna is super hot. And Janet, oh man…

Oh uh, anyway.

Yes, so after twenty minutes it was decided that it was best I reply. I clicked the button and stared at the blank document for a short time, trying to find the best way to begin. After five minutes of staring it hit me.

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From: adhasnovds
To: TrojansNotNeeded
Subject: RE: Application for friend

Well good morning Bradshaw comma Amy. I would've replied sooner, but I was a bit preoccupied last night; my sincerest apologies.

No worries, I didn't think you were crazy at all…ok that's a lie. But it's alright, we're all crazy. It's no big deal. I found it cute, though I always tend to have a thing for the crazies…

Anyway, that's not relevant here. You are looking for a friend and I think we need to do a bit of evaluating before I can totally commit to such a thing. I mean, I have very high standards for possible friends. I do hope you're prepared for such a test. Are you up to the challenge Bradshaw comma Amy? Will you once again be the Perfect Whore…er I mean score.

Firstly, you're a blonde with blue eyes. I used to love that quality in girls, but my last girlfriend definitely messed me up and my best friend's sister is a major bitch. However, you don't seem like either of them so I think we can work with this.

Secondly, height and weight are key ingredients to friendships. Geez, how were you not aware of the two inch-ten pound rule? You can't be friends with someone who is two inches taller, and either ten pounds heavier or ten pounds lighter than you. Obviously you don't want to look like the whale in the friendship, and you don't want to be seen with Shamu either.

And I'm completely kidding by the way. I'm not that shallow, and if I ever was I've arranged it so I'm shot and killed on the spot. So to be perfectly clear, height and weight mean nothing. We good?

Thirdly, your choice in movies seems to be alright. Obviously we all need a bit of improvement on that according to others, but hey it's life. It's going to happen. I'd be more than happy to expand your list of viewed movies by astronomical proportions.

You said you think I can help you be a better person. I don't know what you're expecting out of me, but I just don't want you to be disappointed if I don't meet your expectations. I'm not going to present myself as someone or something I'm not. I'm not exactly the next Mother Theresa when it comes to stuff, but I do try to be a good person. That's all it really takes though, ya know? Just a little effort and the will and want to change.

Overall what I'm saying is that I do believe we can give this a trial period. As Mary Poppins said to George Banks, "I'll give you a week, I'll know by then."

Since you seem to want privacy to be key here, perhaps I should have an alias or pseudonym of sorts. So you can call me…Janet instead. I would've gone with Lucy, but that would make me a Badass Master Criminal and also the love of your life.

Hope to hear from you soon. Over.

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Janet