Chapter
15: Don't Break Hearts and Try to Shake Hands
Rating:
Pg-16
User: TrojansNotNeeded
Date: 2/05/08
Time:
8:54
Mood: Apprehensive
So it's been a while since I checked in with everyone, I'm really sorry that I've been gone for this long. I don't even really know if you guys missed me but if you did, I was just really busy with dance and stuff. Addison has been monopolizing my time lately, I still haven't quite figured out how to tell him that I'm not a fan of Addisonn Junior. As for the night out with Taycen, well that proved to be a huge disaster. She and I got really drunk and I think I may have come onto her.
After some conversations with a very wise yoda, who will remain nameless, I think we've concluded that I have a crush on her. She told me to kiss her and I totally tried. It was a few days ago we were in my room and Taycen was sitting on the end of my bed. Her hair was falling into her face and her eyes kept twinkling as she recounted something that had happened in Home Ec with her cake/pet rock.
"Bradshaw (she doesn't actually call me Bradshaw but I changed it for you all) are you listening to me?" My eyes snapped away from her mouth and I licked my own cracked lips nervously. Nodding weakly, I made a motion with my hand for her to continue her story. "Anyway, I was pulling it out of the oven and this thick black smoke filled the room and there he was."
"There who was?" I asked fighting the jealousy that fought its way into my throat. Of course Taycen didn't like me; of course there was someone else.
"Gizmo." She said with a content sigh. Clasping her hands against her cheek, Taycen faked a swoon and landed right in my lap.
"Gizmo?"
"Yes, originally he was going to be a German Chocolate Cake but then I burned the hell out of it. I mean we're talking like skipping stages of solids here and going straight to diamond strength surface. Anyway, I've decided that he's my pet rock. From now on, he'll be known as Gizmo."
"You're a freak. Why am I friends with you?" I asked brushing her hair out of her eyes. A smile glinted in those blue eyes that stared right back at me and all of the sudden I had goose bumps all over my skin. Sudden silences had a tendency to that to me.
"Because of all the great benefits," Taycen said shyly letting her finger run along my calf, which didn't help with my goose bumps.
"What benefits?" I asked a little surprised at the huskiness my voice was carrying. The angle was awkward but somehow my face was moving down. Her eyes became heavy lidded and I could feel her hot breath on my lips.
"OOOH ME SO HORNY OOO OOOH ME SO HORNY!!" My phone screamed from the bedside table and I jerked back from Taycen with wide eyes. I scrambled to catch the call and created a much needed distance between our bodies.
I can't believe I almost kissed her sober. What was I thinking? If it had happened right then without the aide of any alcoholic beverages, shooters or cocktails, I would have been royally screwed. I need a reason to run in case I don't like it you know. Alcohol is my best bet. The call was from Parker by the way, whining that he didn't understand his pre-cal homework and after promising to help him about three thousand times I managed to hang up. Taycen was now on her stomach, an expression of doubt poorly hidden behind her smile.
"So.. that was weird." She said blowing her hair out of her face. I nodded and paced the floor of my bedroom trying to understand what on earth could possibly be drawing me to my best friend. "Look, this doesn't have to be an issue. Let's just forget it."
"I need a soda. Do you want one?" I asked trying to distract myself from the feelings battling inside of me. I had no idea what was going on. How could I like her? She was my friend. We were friends; I mean we had been friends for a long time. And I wasn't that gay, was I? There were the dreams about you know who but those can be explained. I was sort of like Harry Potter without the burning scar, just dreams that plagued me because I was emotionally stressed out. And had a connection to the Dark Lord Voldemort. Wait, no that's not right. My sister's little friend is weird but she isn't a dark wizard. Is she? Oh god!
So I went downstairs and I was shaking my head the entire way for my inner stupidity. So I get downstairs to get a soda and I kind of had this big huge fight that I don't want to rehash right now. She was just totally out of line and we'll leave it at that. You don't even want to know who it was. So after that I was really upset and I was back in my room. The hatred I felt from her this time was just overwhelming; I wish she would just give me a chance to be human. GOD! I make mistakes; she can't expect me to be perfect all the time.
I was obviously upset when I finally made it back to my room and although Tay wanted to go kick her ass, I said that it wouldn't be necessary. She looked down at me with sad eyes and told me that she would be here for me, no matter what. But it didn't make me feel better. Just felt a little more empty and guilty for wanting more than her friendship. Somehow we got past the awkwardness from before and she came to sit next to me.
"Look, I know she gets to you," Taycen said putting her arm around my trembling shoulders. "I don't know why, you're better than this."
"I don't know either!" I replied with a frustrated sigh. She pulled me in for a hug and I put my arms around her waist resting my head on her shoulder. "Thanks for sticking up for me though."
I could feel her hands on my back, chasing each other in soothing circles and I could hear her heart pounding pretty hard. I'm not sure if it was my imagination but her hands felt like they were almost exploring every inch and avenue of skin on my back. Leaning into her, I could smell that familiar fresh peeled orange scent on her throat and I lightly brushed my lips against her pulse point. Her hands froze on my back and she stared at me with surprised blue eyes. We didn't say a word and I pulled back to look right into her eyes. My blood was pumping steadily in my ears and my breath was coming in fast bursts. Her nose brushed against mine slightly, sending chills down my neck and into my arms. I reached up with my right hand and cupped her cheek, running my thumb across her jaw line. She let out a shaky breath and I could see that her eyes had turned a dark navy color; the questions hiding inside making them look heavy.
"Who knew you were playing for my team all along?" She whispered with a half cocked smile that only she could pull off but that sentence was enough to make me pull away. What was I thinking?! I was just going to be another notch in her headboard. Wasn't I? She groaned as I increased our distance, I'm sure that the look on my face was priceless. A mix of anger and fright and frustration, just think Richard Simmons after eating a large piece of quadruple chocolate chunk cake and you have exactly what I looked like at that moment. "Hey I didn't mean it like-"
"What makes you think I play for your team?" I asked incredulously. "I do NOT play for YOUR team. I AM NOT GAY!"
"Okay, I'm sorry. God, could have fooled me for a moment there. But I guess it was just a friendly gesture again. Don't think I don't see the way you look at me! You want me just as much as I want you and you are not the only one who is scared here!" Taycen looked like she was about to cry and I instantly felt guilty.
"Look Taycen, I don't know what's going on? You're my best friend and I don't want to mess this up. Can't you just be satisfied with what we have?" I asked with a grimace.
"I was satisfied! You were the one that changed everything! I was just fine being who I was and having meaningless hookups with people who didn't matter. But you knew. You knew all along that it was you that I wanted. You were the one that I had real feelings for and you can't deny that you don't have them because I feel it!"
"I'm sorry; I don't know where you're getting this." My cowardice astounded even me because deep down I knew she was right. The feelings were there, they were always there. But I wasn't ready that day and I'm not sure I'll ever be ready. "Can't we just be friends?"
"Yeah babe, sure. Whatever." She sounded disappointed but I knew she couldn't stay angry for long.
So now here I am in my room, finally through recounting my drama filled days. I'm gay, I'm not gay. I like Taycen, I don't like her. It's like a little carousel in my brain that won't turn off and all of my friends are riding horses that have my face on them. Isn't that weird? Such is the definition of my very existence. It's pretty late, I think I'll see if Yoda is online and then hit the sack. Anyone with advice about the Taycen situation or monologues about what a tease I am feel free to comment.