Chapter 17: Forgive Me

February 7, 2008
Time: 10:37 PM
Mood: Scared
Username: adhasnovds

They've started again, the nightmares. They always come back this time of year; the time when he died. The exact date is a few weeks away yet, but it still feels like it happened today. It's been the same thing every year. The same routine.

Nightmares. Freakout. Calm. Nightmares. Freakout. Calm. Nightmares. Freakout. Calm. Nightmares. Freakout. Nightmares. Nightmares. Nightmares…

I fell asleep earlier while working on some homework. I relived it again. Every sound, every sight, every feeling; it was all there.

I hate that I can still see it so clearly. That I remember every word said, every tone of voice used, and every gesture. I hate that no matter how much I try to forget, I can't get the look in his eyes out of my brain. The look that said so much and cut me so deep, that it left a hideous scar on me. Sometimes that scar rips open on its own, oozing copious amounts of blood. I've seen it in my nightmares. The blood isn't its normal crimson color though. No, in my dreams it's black.

Trying to keep my mind on other things or people doesn't work. Something always ends up reminding me of him, of that day.

As I mentioned earlier, I've never told anyone about this before. Not even K knows the details of that day. I almost ended up telling someone about it tonight, but I chickened out. I can't…I can't talk about it. Like I told her, it's the only thing I'm scared of people judging me about. It's too much pressure for me to keep holding it in, but at the same time I know I can't say anything. At least not yet.

I have a girlfriend. I know I said I wasn't looking for commitment, but the other night was a night of rash decisions; she was just one of many. Don't get me wrong, she's great, but I don't know if she's what I'm really looking for. Maybe I'm just thinking too much. I tell myself that he would've liked her; that he would've approved of her for me. That she's good enough for his little girl. But then again, that's all it is. That's just me reassuring or giving myself false hope for something that probably isn't true.

They say everything happens for a reason. I guess she and I were supposed to end up with each other, at least for now. She really is great, and cute, and funny…but can an actual, fulfilling relationship really come out of those things? Perhaps, but if we jump without looking, one or both of us could get really hurt.

I've never believed it was his time to go that day. It couldn't have been. It was way too soon.

Yeah I miss him all the time, and I wonder what things would've been like if it hadn't happened. But then I think about all the trouble we'd had; all the fighting and drama and problems that were bubbling under the surface, ready to boil over.

None of this makes sense I'm sure…but oh well.

Maybe having someone next to me tonight will keep those bad dreams away...if only for one night.

I'd just closed my laptop when Sydney walked in. She'd been here for a little over an hour; I can't say I didn't like the distraction she provided

She looked good in her little spaghetti strap tank top and piggy boxers. She still had some eyeliner on and it made her blue eyes pop. She plopped down on my bed and threw her hair up into a messy bun. Good god she looked absolutely fu- uh, radiant. Yes, radiant.

She caught me staring and blushed, but smiled through it regardless.

"What?"

"Nothing," I shook my head and smiled at her. "You just look really…amazing tonight."

She laughed lightly and snuggled under the covers, giving me an expectant look. I sauntered over and got in next to her, already able to feel the comfort of her body heat. Or what most people would find their significant other's body heat to be. Maybe it was just because the relationship was so new that it didn't feel completely comfortable yet.

We turned out the lights and she gave me a soft kiss goodnight. As I turned on my side and she draped her arm across my waist, I couldn't help but sigh.

If you asked me if it was a content sigh I would say yes. But that would be a lie. I felt guilty because while she was falling deeper and deeper into unconsciousness I was wide awake.

Thinking about another Deb.