Chapter 27: Tell Me That You Love Me More

February 23, 2008
User: TrojansNotNeeded
Time: 11:23 PM
Mood: Torn Up

Damn you Jesse McCartney. Damn you and your lyrical ways of making me relate to every song!!! This is so stupid, like unbelievably stupid. How is it possible to feel like this? I should hate Taycen. In fact, I think I do. I'll get to that later. But the entire time I was talking to her, stupid Jesse McCartney (who has suddenly decided to be the newest Usher/Chris Brown clone) was echoing in my head. What is a freaking G5 anyway? I'll have to ask the step team. I would ask Taycen but she's not here. Hm, how convenient for her!

God lately, I've just been the definition of an idiot. Every decision I've tried to make has turned out to be the wrong one. I'm not with the girl I should be with, I'm listening to really lame music, and I caved on my no carb diet and managed to eat ten brownies today in record time. Those things are so gooey, sweet, melt in your mouth and almost better than an orgasm. Almost.

What do I even do with myself? My entire life is falling apart. I haven't spoken with Addison and although I don't miss him as a boyfriend, I do miss him as a friend. I miss Parker.

I managed to alienate everyone while I was having my collegiate lesbian fling a year early with Taycen.

And then there's Janet, I don't care if you read this because you should know by now that I care about you and GOD I WISH that I could go back and just be with you instead of HER! Let's fly on a fucking G5(is it a plane or a cocktail drug? God I don't even care!) or something, go anywhere but here. I'm so confused.

Do I even want to be with Taycen anymore?

Is love supposed to be this hard?

You guys probably have no idea what I'm babbling about, maybe I should clue you in.

My friend Janet, via the amazing Ourchart, revealed to me the other day that she had a thing for me. And like the complete and utter dumbass I am, didn't capitalize. I have had a crush on her from day one! I mean hello, she likes Wicked, enjoys the music I enjoy, loves to quote mean girls and is a DEBS freak like me. Perfect woman much? But no I had to fuck it up because I have girlfriend who likes to abandon people without so much as a goddamn word!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*Breathes* Sorry, I'm only a little bitter right now. I'm sure she has a good reason to be gone but really?!!!!! NOW?! She promised we were in this together. Guess she meant we and together as a reference to my multiple personalities.

Not only is there the problem with Janet, but my sister's (I'm going to stop saying step-sister because the way I see it, she's more family to me than my own mother.) stupid friend is now in the mix too. Her stupid beautiful eyes and smart ass mouth have got me all, as Howie would say, 'twisted up in the game' and I'm 'straight trippin boo'.

The other day we were all hanging out in my sister's room helping her get ready for her date. She and her new boy are so adorable by the way. Anyway, we ended up alone and I could have sworn she was kind of into me, because there was flirting and an almost kind of kiss.

So what do I do? I've turned into a total gay slut. I just wanna cover her friend in cheese whiz and spread her over a cracker! Okay I'll admit that was only a little wrong, but where would we be if we couldn't quote Bringing Down the House at a time like this?

So ourchart, what do I do? I have two proven gorgeous girls in front of me(one most likely a regulation hottie but due to internet circumstances I can't know for sure) and for the life of me, I can't figure out what the right choice is. I know that Taycen is pretty much out of the running by now, after what she pulled today but the other two have me torn up.

GET OUT OF MY HEAD JESSE MCCARTNEY!!! I'm trying to make up my mind okay, you aren't helping with your pressure filled lyrics.

---

A few hours earlier

I walked down the hall quietly and stood in front of my sister's door debating on whether or not to knock or just walk right in. The thought of seeing Ashley this early in the day convinced me to go ahead and knock, I wasn't quite ready for the scare of my life yet. I only knocked twice because after all, I've heard that knocking three times is bad luck.

"Kyla? Are you busy?" I called out softly, not wanting to wake her if she was taking a nap. After all, being friend with a beast like Ashley must be draining. I could hear the shuffling of papers behind the door and she coughed.

"Extremely." More shuffling and coughing. I dropped my hand and prepared to go back to my room with my thoughts.

"Oh okay, I'll just come back later then. Sorry."

"Spencer." Her voice was louder and I heard the snaps of a binder close. "I'm kidding. Come in."

"Oh." I opened the door and stepped in trying to mask the blush of embarrassment that adorned my powdered cheeks. It would be easier to cover with a joke. "Does my hair look blonder to you? It feels blonder to me."

She smiled at me, no one could pull off a more genuine smile than my sister. I still couldn't believe I'd overlooked her kindness all of these years just because I selfishly blamed her for something that wasn't her fault. "You've been hanging out with Taylor too much."

"Yeah well, you know what they say. Osmosis occurs when you're over exposed to something for too long. Do you think I'm turning into her?" I looked in her mirror and poked my cheek, horrified when my makeup became dented. I never wore too much, what was up with me today. Unless- "Oh god! I'm becoming a sponge of Taylor!" I flopped backward onto Kyla's bed, avoiding the stack of science papers in front of her crossed legs and sighed loudly. She readjusted the computer on her lap and rolled her eyes at me.

"Haha well, your IQ seems to be dropping, but your dramatics are definitely still intact."

"So what are you doing? Destroying someone's computer from afar?" I looked up at the Legolas poster on her ceiling, wondering how she slept with an elf staring at her all night.

"If only. Dad made me promise not to do that anymore since the blackout in New York. I was just posting on my message board. Can you believe someone actually said Doggett was hotter than Mulder?" She removed her glasses and pinched the bridge of her nose. Now to be fair to those who don't know or who would find it surprising to know that I know who she's speaking of, only Kyla knew of my secret X-files fetish and had loyally kept my secret.

"Seriously? That person is way disturbed. You don't get hotter than Mulder. Except for maybe Scully." Mmm, Scully.

"How did I never realize you were gay?" Kyla laughed putting her glasses back on and giving me an appraising look. I shrugged.

"I've been asking myself that same question, I can't believe I didn't know until now. I don't know. I suck at being gay that's why I'm here, I need to talk."

"Why so glum, chum?" My sister asked, punching me in the shoulder and giving me a goofy smile. The pencil behind her ear made her look extra scholarly and I rolled my eyes.

"I can't talk to Taylor because it's about us. And I can't talk to Ashley because she hates me. And I can't talk to Janet because she's been highly unreasonable." It all came out in one giant breath and Kyla looked a little over stimulated with information for a minute. However, she quickly regained her composure.

"Janet?"

"My internet friend." I explained cringing at how lame that sounded. Plus Janet was more than just some lame chat room friend.

"Spencer Carlin!" Kyla gasped dramatically. "You slut!"

"Gay slut," I corrected dejectedly. She looked worried and moved closer to me, rubbing my shoulder trying to comfort me.

"Come on, what's going on? This is what I'm here for. Advice and alien abduction protection."

"Okay. So, I'm with Taylor. And before I liked Taylor, I had a crush on Janet, who had a crush on some bar girl, who started taking up all of her time and then I got with Taylor but Janet said that she liked me and now I don't know what to do." Once again my information assault came in one long burst of a sentence said so fast I'm sure Kyla's head spun a little, I know mine did. But that was due to lack of oxygen after said super sentence.

"Whoa. Um. Ok...and did you tell Janet that you liked her?" Kyla rubbed her temples trying to process all of my drama.

"Well not right away. I was a little scared." I paused and pointed to myself. "Hello... I mean gay for the first time ever."

"Yeah, I know, but you're also Spencer Carlin. You're not shy about anything." She sounded almost as if she admired this fact about me, I immediately felt guilty for not being a better sister to her. If I'd managed get past my own bullshit, we could have been an unstoppable sister team. We could have been a powerhouse, like Carrie and Samantha or Max and Liz Evans or Dawson and Pacey or even Mulder and Scully!

For a moment I was distracted by a small dream fantasy involving Scully and then I was suddenly ripped back to reality as I realized I'd forgotten to mention one thing.

"Oh and not too mention the stupid dreams about Ashley."

"Uh, WHAT?" Her screech was loud enough to anger a squirrel in our front yard, it began yabbering up at her window but she ignored it and looked at me with huge brown eyes.

"Um well. What I meant was," I said trying to backpedal quickly. "Dreams about Ashley Judd."

"You dirty little liar! You're having dreams about my friend! Naughty dreams to boot. Spencer how could you not tell me this?!" I couldn't tell whether she was enraged, amused or both. I prayed for amused, enraged would definitely mean that she might tell Ashley.

"I am not dirty!" I said futilely waving my hands around. "And I thought the dreams would go away."

Kyla looked like an overloaded computer, her eyes were darting back and forth across the room and kept landing on me, getting really wide and then beginning their dartfest all over again. "Too much to process."

"I am such a slut."

"No you're not. Just because you're dating your best friend and having dreams about mine doesn't make you a slut. It makes you...well I'm not really sure what that makes you. A masochist maybe?"

"Ashley hates me. Doesn't she? Not that it matters, because I am not into her. My love boat has been filled to capacity." I blurted out before I could stop myself. I was curious as to how much the brunette, who spent so much of her free time in my daydreams, hated me. The smaller girl in front of me looked awkward for a minute as she stumbled for an answer.

"Ashley doesn't hate you, she just...has a very strong dislike for you."

"She tried to kiss me!" I blurted once again. This blurting was becoming a problem. "I'm getting my signals crossed!"

"She did not, if anything she was just messing with you," Kyla answered waving her hand dismissively. Anger sprang to the surface of my mind but I pushed it back down, trying to tell myself that Ashley Davies didn't matter. I couldn't help it, lying to myself had been a habit for so long. Why deviate now?

"So we can vote Ashley off of the island then. Moving on to Janet and Taylor."

My sister snapped her fingers and pointed at me in the Aha! Sherlock Holmes way she adored, "So you do have a thing for her. Geez Spencer. I probably could've hooked you two up!"

"I don't have a thing for her, I just dream about her. I just wondered if she had a thing for me. Geez Kyla." I rolled my eyes for the extra dramatic effect and hoped to God that I wasn't as transparent as I felt.

"Would you like a trampoline to help you jump to those conclusions?"

"Haha no thanks my moon boots still work just fine."

"God moon boots are so cool," suddenly I was overwhelmed with the image of jumping over the moon in a pair of big orange (pink sucks) squishy moon boots. Then all of the sudden there was an image of me naked, kissing Ashley in only my moon boots-

"HEY! Space cadet."

"Yeah Ashley?" It was about a second after it came out of my mouth that I realized I was talking to Kyla. I looked at her a little guiltily and smiled. "I mean Kyla." She was still staring at me with an amused smirk playing over her lips. "I wasn't daydreaming about Ashley!"

"Sure you weren't…" Kyla trailed off with a wink and rolled her eyes. I could feel the awkward silence start to overcome the room and so I said the first thing that came to mind.

"So what do you think about Taylor?" The mood in the room shifted and I could feel her start to get uncomfortable. There had always been a fair amount of tension between Kyla and Taylor, so I expected her answer to be something along the lines of hate, detest, loathe, or want to condemn to death by firing squad but she surprised me.

"Well, how do you really feel about her?"

"Honestly?" I bit my lip struggling to find non cliché phrases. I failed. "I really really care about her. She's everything I could have asked for to go through this with. Understanding, sweet, caring, compassionate, sexy."

"So you're like, in love with her then?"

"Getting there." Okay so that just flew off the tip of my tongue like nothing. A huge admission like that didn't usually come so easily. Damn Kyla for being so accepting and non judgmental! I was supposed to be in denial here!

"And you like being with her, she makes you happy, and all that?"

"Well yeah, really happy." I paused letting my fear finally make its way to the surface and I looked at my adorably nerdy sister who at the moment was examining her wand. "I'm just afraid that I'm missing something settling down and being in love with the first girl I've ever been with. I mean what if I miss out?"

"Spencer, you're not 'settling down'." She made quotes with her fingers and I grimaced at the thought of engagement. A panicked look prickled her features and she narrowed her eyes at me. "You're not engaged right?!"

"NO!" I shouted as she winced at my volume. "you hear about Aiden proposing by the way?"

"Ugh, unfortunately. He's so retarded. How were you with him that long?"

"I have no idea." I was once again distracted as I imagined an impromptu wedding and honeymoon with Ashley. Sometimes I wonder if I need occulency lessons to control my mind.

"You want me to be honest with you?" Kyla asked snapping me out of my daydream. I nodded and motioned for her to continue.

"I think if you care about her as much as you say you do, then you need to stick it out. Let this relationship run its course. If you guys don't work out, then at least you gave it your all and you'll be ready to move on to someone that's really right for you."

It made sense, it definitely made sense considering that I cared about Taylor a great deal. I thought it over and unfortunately my blurting problem resurfaced. "And you're sure that Ashley isn't into me?" I mentally kicked myself about a thousand times after I said this and then added for good measure, "Not that I care."

"If Ashley's into you, she hasn't made it known to me. And if she hasn't made it known to me, then I think it's safe to say she's not into you. Not that you care though."

"Right." I agreed with a crisp nod. "Can you imagine what Mom's reaction will be to all of this?"

Kyla placed her hand on my shoulder and looked at me with sympathetic brown eyes. "I'll pray for your survival."

"Death is imminent."

"I'll have Willow perform a resurrection." Ah a Buffy reference, it was a wonder this girl wasn't related to me by blood.

"Make sure that my carcass is out of the coffin first, I don't want to break a nail clawing my way through a padded coffin."

"That will be up to the rest of the Scoobies I'm afraid. I have to be at home, with Spike, because I am the little sister and what not. You understand."

"Well I mean continuity is everything." I agreed. "Thank you Kyla, you know for talking and everything. I should go get ready Taylor is coming over." Suddenly, I found my arms wrapped around the smaller brunette and I pulled back a bit embarrassed. "I hope we get to do this more, since I decided not to be such an asshole."

"Uh yeah." She looked frazzled by the hug. Who could blame her? Weeks ago if I'd thrown myself around her she probably would have been afraid for her life, so I let it slide. "I'll be sure to let Ashley know you are definitely "not" into her."

I grinned as I bounced of the room and then stopped popping my head back in the door. "Thanks. Warn me if she comes over, so I can "not" look amazing. Don't want to tempt her."

Since our rooms were down the hall from one another it only took me a couple seconds to make it to my own living quarters. The door to my room stood open a crack and I wondered if I'd left it standing open. Usually I always shut and latched my door, prying mother's make a lot of noise when snooping so I always left it shut. I walked in with the intention of going straight to my closet to change but much to my surprise I found Taylor sitting on my bed waiting for me. I smiled and walked over to give her a kiss.

"Hey babe. You're early." She looked at me with her bright blue eyes, which were alarmingly cold and I stopped dead in my tracks.

"Actually, I'd say I'm just in time." Taylor tossed her hair behind her shoulder and glared at me, slamming the lid of my laptop down. All of the clues began to fall into place, angry stare, sitting behind my laptop. I'd been busted. Quick play it off!

"What were you doing on my computer?" I walked over to where she was and placed my hand on her shoulder, which was immediately shrugged off. Uh oh. Time for jokes. "I really hate it when you sign me up for those porn emails. Circus boobs everywhere."

"If I'm such a slut, why are you with me?"

Oh no. Had I really said that? I traced back every journal entry I'd made and squirmed internally. Okay so I'd said it but at the time, it had been totally true. I was justified. Not. Deny! Come on Spence make the innocent eyes, I thought. "What?"

"Who is Janet, Spencer?"

Oh god. More hard questions. Are there multiple choice answers to these? Okay don't play innocent, get angry! Activate the 'make her feel guilty for snooping' plan. "You looked through my emails?!"

"It's not my fault you left it open for the whole world to see!" Damn, she saw right through that plan. I should have known it wouldn't be that easy. "If you think I'm such a slut, then why are you with me? Are you just experimenting?"

"No Taylor. God I want to be with you. That's why I am with you." I stopped and tried to dredge up a good excuse from the corner of my mind. Unfortunately the image of Ashley naked flashed before my eyes. Damn my beautifully twisted mind and its terrible timing. "I just said that because I was an idiot."

"And that makes it ok?! How can you even say that you want to be with me when it's clear you have no respect for me?" She was shrieking now, high pitched 'I want to kill you but can't figure out how to get away with it' screams. I'd obviously misjudged her anger level and wondered for a moment if my life was indeed in danger.

"I do have respect for you!" I yelled right back, feeling my guilt finally turn into actual anger. "I was stupid okay. I'm sorry!!"

"SORRY ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH!" She screamed right back at me and I stood toe to toe with her, unblinking and unwavering. "It just isn't good enough."

My eyes flicked to her lips for a moment and a new plan began to form. If I couldn't get out of this with mere mental manipulation, I would resort to physical. After all, I didn't have much dignity to speak of; I was dating her. "What do you want me to do?" I didn't wait for her to answer. Kissing her forcefully, I felt her try to pull away but the second my tongue grazed the bottom of her lip she felt into my embrace. We kissed for a few minutes, her hands tangling themselves in my hair and my hands finding their way under her shirt. I pulled away gently and looked into her painfully blue eyes. "You're the one I want. Don't do this to me."

"Who is Janet?" And we were back to square one; I briefly considered losing my pants but ultimately decided it could do more harm than help.

"Some girl online," the words actually burned my lips as they passed through. Who knew a lie could burn that bad?

"Some girl you have feelings for?" She was pressing me, testing me and in my fear of losing her I caved.

"She's no one to me." I kept my eyes on the floor and struggled to keep back tears. Nothing to me? Try everything. A stray tear fell to my carpet and I looked into her questioning eyes. "Not like you, you mean so much to me."

"Are you sure?" Her hands pushed through her hair and she sat down on my bed. Placing her head into her hands, Taylor pressed her fingertips into her forehead until they were white. "I couldn't handle it if you lied to me Spencer. You know how I feel about you..."

It was time for the big guns, my last resort (no not the pants). "I love you. Only you." I don't think she was expecting me to say it out loud at that moment. Maybe she had never expected me to say it but I had. Surprisingly enough, it felt real as I uttered it. Was it possible for me to be in love with two (maybe three) different girls? I finally understood what the Bachelor on ABC bitched about all the time. "Please say you love me too."

She cracked a smile as I sat down next to her and I touched her hand gingerly, not wanting her to throw it off. To my surprise, she interlaced our fingers and kissed my hand. "You love me too."

I swatted her on the arm lightly and placed a sweet kiss on her cheek. Her eyes closed a bit and I tried not to feel guilty about our earlier exchange. "Taylor!"

"What?" She feigned innocence. "You asked!"

"Do you love me?" I asked avoiding her eyes. A second later I was thrown backwards, the delightful sensation of Taylor's body weight against my own.

"I love you." She said kissing both of my ear lobes.

"Show me how much."