Chapter 30: Alabama Getaway

February 25, 2008
User: TrojansNotNeeded
Time: 11:45 PM EST
Mood: Heartbroken

Where do I even start with what I need to say? It's been 2 days since I last saw Taycen and I doubt that I'll ever see her again. It's been 2 days since my entire life exploded into thousands of irreplaceable pieces that will never fit together again. 48 hours since my mother told me that I was dead to her and to either shape my life up or get out of her house. But none of that even matters.

I never thought I would experience this; it is so unimaginably painful that I can barely breathe. In fact, I don't think I would be breathing if I wasn't forcing myself. My throat is swollen from weeping for two days straight. The tears just come from nowhere, they leak out of the corners of my eyes and build in the back of my throat when no one is watching. I feel how alone I am and the loneliness builds on itself as each tear drips to the cold floor waiting below.

Janet hates me and even though she said her feelings were never real, I can't help it if mine were. I can't help it that I miss talking to her and that I wish, I pray every single night that she would just call my phone or IM me. But I treated her badly and I know it. I deserve this.

My Dad didn't even ask questions when I called and told him I was on my way. That's the great thing about my Dad; he's just there for me whenever I need him no questions asked. Of course, he doesn't live in a large house with a nice car or anything but when I think about my Dad, he could live in a box and I would want to be there with him. My half brother Glen called from his small college campus a few hours ago to let me know he'd be home for the weekend to celebrate my return.

The idea of the word celebrate being in my vocabulary after what happened seems a bit like over reaching. But in way it was nice to be back here, to smell the clean air and lay down in my small dark room equipped with the daybed that I slept in when I was five and still afraid of Gremlins in the closet.

You guys are probably wondering what happened; I've sort of fallen into the habit of getting lost in my own sadness but let me back up. We'll start where I last remember feeling happy.

***

"I love you." She said kissing both of my ear lobes.

"Show me how much." I had said to Taycen who at the moment had her body pressed against every available inch of my skin. There weren't any words exchanged as her lips met mine, her hands sliding up onto my cheeks and caressing the soft skin they found there. Kissing her was still an eye opening experience and my breath was stolen when her tongue found the exposed skin of my neck.

Taycen began sliding my shirt over my head but she paused to savor the tanned flesh of my stomach, causing goose bumps to stand at attention on my skin. As her hands began to wander my body I was struck with this overwhelming feeling of guilt, guilt for doing this when I should be telling her that I had feelings for someone else as well as her.

"Wait. Stop. I can't." Tears rolled down my cheeks and she looked at me alarmed.

"Spencer?" Her voice was a mix of concern and apprehension. I didn't cry often and she knew better than to pressure me into telling her what was going on. I continued to cry, trying to swipe the moisture under my eyes away without worrying what she thought about me.

"I'm sorry."

"For what?" Her hair was hanging in front of her eyes and she blew it up into the air, trying to clear it from her vision.

"I love you. I want you to know that. That I'm in love with you."

"Spencer, you're freaking me out. Are you pregnant? It isn't mine I swear!" She joked and I cracked a half-hearted smile. Realization began to dawn in those beautiful blue eyes I had spent so many hours just losing myself inside. "It's Janet right? You like her?"

"Yeah. I do." It felt so much better to say it out loud. Taycen looked at me for a minute and stood up. "Please don't leave. It doesn't mean that I don't care about you, I'm just confused. Please stay."

"How is it okay for me to stay?" She asked with her own eyes filling up with tears. "You lied to me before. I love you Spencer. I have always loved you. From the minute I threw that carrot at your head. I've been waiting for you, through everything. From the moment I saw you, I wanted to be with you. And I thought… well it doesn't matter what I thought because you like another girl. And you can say you love me as much as you want but until you figure this out. You can't ever love me the way that I love you. The way that I need you to love me."

"I'm going to lose you aren't I?"

"It's really up to you." She answered sadly pushing her hair out of her face.

"Can I ask you something?" I inquired flicking away the tears that had landed on my fingers. She nodded slightly and kept her eyes away from my gaze. I could tell she was crying and it was killing me to see that I'd caused it. "Will you lay down with me for a while? Please just hold me and we can get through this together."

Taycen looked conflicted but with a large sigh she walked back over to the bed where I sat with my arms wrapped around my knees. My head was buried inside of my arms and I cried silently, feeling wetness rain from my eyes onto my thin cotton shirt. And then her arms were around me gently guiding me down to the mattress and the pillows that waited for our heads.

Taycen pressed her body into mine and I held her hands tightly, refusing to let go. Her breath came in short bursts and I felt an ever growing wet spot on my shoulder where her tears had penetrated the fabric of my shirt. Eventually exhaustion won out and I shut my eyes, falling into a deep dreamless sleep.

When I woke up she was gone.

***

So you already knew that she'd abandoned me from my previous entry but that is how it all went down. I was upset to say the least but I was also angry, I felt betrayed. I stood in my room, wondering why it had never looked so empty before and then I laid down, prepared to sleep for the rest of the night. My thoughts kept my eyes open however as I wondered if she'd just left for the night or if she was gone for good.

I'd loved her, scratch that, I did love her. It was just so confusing for me. How is possible to love more than one person at one time? I'm not sure but I knew that I did. I think I managed to fall asleep around 2 that morning but shortly after I received an email alert on my computer.

I sat up in bed and double clicked on the message from Addison.

---

To: Spencer
From: Addison
Subject: Truth?!

Hey so I was just lookin at my stats on the school's website and this video just randomly popped up on my fucking screen. I swear to god if this is true, I really won't know what to say to anymore. How could you do this?! I mean, this looks bad on me! What were you thinking?! If you haven't seen it already you might want to head over, it's posted everywhere on the King High webpage.
-A.D.

---

Well after that day brightener, I decided to head over to the school's website. My hands were literally shaking with the adrenaline as I typed the address into the navigation box. I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to ignore the dull throb behind my eyes. Crying always gave me killer headaches. The moment I opened my eyes was the moment my entire world came crashing down around me.

A video half the size of my screen had popped up was loading. I could very clearly see that it was my room and Taycen and I were sitting on the bed. My heart thudded loudly as I pressed play, my stomach rolling over dangerously as I watched us kissing.

As I watched myself hungrily pull Taycen's shirt over her head, I remembered that first night that we were together. I had been so upset about my fight with that stupid girl, I'd made a rash decision and rushed things with one of the people I cared most about.

That night she was gentle, perfect and loving. I want to make that clear to anyone who thinks she may have been taking advantage of me, because that is the furthest thing from the truth. She made that night special for me and I knew I would never forget. I also knew the student body would never forget either.

I checked my watch and read the indigo outline that said 4 AM. Surprisingly it didn't dawn on me that this video would be seen by the entire student population. There was actually only one person on my mind at the time and I prayed silently that Janet wouldn't see it before the admins managed to take it down. I watched angrily and then exited out of the pop up window, hitting the reply button on my hotmail page.

---

To: Addison
From: Spencer
Subject: Re: Truth?!

Hey sorry to inform you that a bunch of freshman pranksters did not recreate an elaborate set of my bedroom and cast two doppelgangers in the role of Taycen and I. It was really me. I'm sorry that it makes you "look bad" but then you didn't really need much assistance in that area. Instead of being concerned with yourself, did you even stop to think about how I might be feeling about the whole thing?! Or did you forget that we were once friends before your stupid dick got involved. I could use a friend. I need you. I need your support, tomorrow is going to suck. Be there for me at the front doors?

---

Although my email was harsh, I knew as soon as I stepped out of my car and hit the sidewalk that led up to the school that he would be waiting for me. And he was. Addison stood with Parker, both of them had their arms crossed and looked like hulking bodyguards, just what I needed to protect me from the judgmental backlash of the student population.

A huge rush of relief flowed through me and I smiled appreciatively up at them. All day I felt their eyes on me, everywhere I went wide white eyeballs coldly regarded me and whispers were uttered throughout the school wherever I went. They were judging me.

Taycen was nowhere to be seen, and her parking spot remained empty. I checked all day for any sign of her, and by the time three o clock rolled around I was ready to throw my uncalled phone in the trash. Where was she? The boys both wanted to talk about what had happened but I asked them both to wait until I was ready to talk. It took everything I had to keep the tears from falling out of my eyes.

As the minutes on the clock ticked by I felt the shame growing. Teachers who had once looked to me to be an example ignored my raised hand in class and girls who had once smiled admiringly at me as I passed in the hall sneered at me from behind the ears of their best friends.

It was one of the longest days I'd ever endured and Taycen's absence made it worse. When I arrived home, I was greeted by the unwelcome presence of my mother who merely motioned me to sit down at her enormous dining room table. I couldn't help but notice that she looked like Donald Trump sans comb over, with her hard stare and pursed lips.

"Spencer. I got a call from your school today. They interrupted me at work to inform me of a very surprising video. Thankfully the filth was taken down immediately after it was discovered at 2 PM but that didn't stop them from deeming it a family emergency." Her tone was cold and her frigid eyes sent lasers of hatred my way. "When were you going to tell me that you were no longer seeing Addison?"

"I was thinking I would tell you when you decided to act like a mother."

Placing her long thin fingers on the large oak table that lay between us, my mother stared at me with a look that could only be described as revulsion with a hint of resentment thrown in the mix. "You will not speak to me like that young lady. If you wish for more structure then that is exactly what you will get. Ben and I have discussed it-"

"BEN?! When will you realize that BEN is NOT my father! Just because you couldn't control your quivering vagina around your boss and left my father for him years ago does NOT make that sniveling spineless ass of a man MY FATHER!" My chest was heaving as I screamed at her. Years and years of pent up anger had just released in a whirlwind of insults directed at my stepfather.

"Obviously this emotional outburst has to do with the influence of your little bed buddy. I see you and Taycen have gotten fairly closer than I would consider appropriate, but you won't be seeing her anymore."

"Oh really? Did you get the memo? She abandoned me over twenty four hours ago mother, without a word, so I really don't think you have to worry about her driving up in a U-haul anytime soon." I spat the words at her frustration overcoming my body.

"I will not tolerate that kind of that lifestyle Spencer, do you hear me? If you choose to continue this, I cannot be associated with you in any way."

"Yeah I read you loud and clear Dr. Doom." I muttered as I climbed the stairs to my bedroom.

"I heard that!"

I threw my bedroom door open and chunked my backpack at the wall, watching with satisfaction as my books exploded out of the top. My mother was no doubt, planning something and as I dug in my bottom drawer for a change of clothes an idea began to form in my mind. An hour and a half later, I was packed and ready to go.