"Screw you, Elliot!" Regan shouted.
"Wow, they are making a diplomat out of you, 6 months ago you would have used the "F" word," he mocked.
"I still will if you don't shut up."
Regan was leaned over, hands on knees, watching her breath turn into a cloud in the cold air. She and Elliot had met at a park near his house, where they often went to run. The run had gone well, until he convinced her to go another mile. She knew what he was up to, but she had been running a lot since they had last gotten together, and thought maybe, just maybe, this time she could beat him.
"Lets race," he said. He had played her, given her hope, only to sprint out in front of her, taunting her the whole way. He had played an old game that was a favorite with her brothers: play on Regan's inability to resist a challenge, beat her, and the watch her fury fly.
Damn it, the FIGHT, I am going to die of a heart attack, Regan thought. She stood up and took a deep breath. Her head was starting to hurt again.
I have got to learn to let this shit,er, crap, go.
She wasn't going to give Elliot any more satisfaction. She turned and walked away from him.
"Regan, come on," he said.
As she was walking away, it all hit her. She was like a full glass of water, carefully balanced, and the loss to Elliot had caused it to overflow. The pain, the fear, the FIGHT, the split with her partner Jared, the months of jails, talking to maniacs and listening to evil beyond imagination, the open case, coming to New York, being humiliated by Goren and Eames, Goren… her upset stomach since she met him, Goren, asking about her ear, her ear, everything, everything… she felt tears. She started to jog again.
She had to stop the tears. If she started to cry, how could she do her job? I'll never stop, she whimpered to herself. She looked at the gray sky, and the trees.
Ignore Regan, she said to herself. Ignore. Look at the trees, they have no leaves, they are brown…
"Hey," she felt Elliot's hand on her arm. She hadn't heard him call her and come up behind her. He came around in front of her to block her way. She tried to go around him. He stepped in front of her again.
"Stop," he ordered. "Regan stop!"
If she looked at him, she was afraid she would cry. She stared at the ground.
"Let's go," he demanded. "Right now, you are going to tell me now what is going on."
She was a whirlwind inside, torn between wanting to fall into his arms, being the baby sister, sobbing, telling him everything, and wanting to just run away. She knew she wasn't going to escape him, so she had to muster up some resources. If she spoke, she would fall apart.
He still had her arm. She tried to jerk it away. As she turned, he caught a glimpse of her face- tears.
Just a couple of tears were dripping down her cheeks. It was hard to shock Elliot, but this did it. He had not seen Regan cry in years. She had been through a lot, but no tears.
Elliot felt a pinch in his chest, which he tried to pass off as the cold air after his intense run. But the back of his mind was recalling a memory from a morning when they were kids. Regan's face, covered with tears. On that morning, he had been receiving a harsh beating from his father. The beating wasn't unusual, but on this day, Regan witnessed it. Elliot could still hear her scream as she ran into the room. She rushed to his side, holding onto him tightly, getting between Elliot and the next hit of the belt. She grabbed Elliot tighter and cried out, "Daddy NO! NO Daddy! Don't hit Elli!"
Elliot reached down and pulled Regan from his leg, and yelled at her, "No Regy, GO!" As he turned to push her away, Elliot got an even bigger shock. His mother had been standing there, watching the whole thing, doing nothing.
On that day two things happened in Elliot. He decided he would never just stand by and let the weak be hurt, and he and Regan became allies.
Now, at the park,he felt rage building inside of him. He wanted to know what had caused her to cry. He wanted to know.
Regan had turned her back to him. His voice had caused her heart to jump. She knew that tone.
"Regan, you can tell me, or I can find out myself."
Damn, Regan thought. She knew he meant it. As a cop, he had an unbelievable solve rate, and she was experiencing first hand the reason why. She was backed into a corner.
He stood with his hands folded across his chest, waiting.
She leaned down on her knees again. She squinted her eyes, her head was now starting to pound.
She stood up and looked at him. His eyes looked like steel.
"It's, it's everything," she started.
"You've been through a lot."
"Stop working me Elliot," she felt like a perp in interrogation. She didn't trust his validation.
He shuffled his feet, looked at the ground, put his hands in his pockets, and looked at her again. Eyes still steel. He said nothing.
He was making her nervous. Damn him! She had been in rooms with some of the most evil men alive, and she hadn't been this nervous.
"Everything," she moaned. " Jared. All those damn interviews. Unsolved case. Coming to New York. Goren and Eames. Just all this fight inside me. Dammit, I have a headache. I'm all alone!"
Jared. Elliot thought. If he knows what's good for him, he will stay undercover and never come out. He looked at Regan. She was holding the sides of her head, her nose was red from the cold. Her eyes looked like steel.
"You aren't alone. Of all people, I know about those interviews, looking evil in the face. You know that I know." He was worried about the way she was holding her head. "Are you ok?" He pulled her hand from her head.
She wiped her face. She was focused on dealing with him now, she was safe, she wouldn't cry.
"I just, I don't know, I guess everything just hit me."
"Something happened," he said.
"No," she insisted.
"Yes. Tell me." He paused. "You said Goren and Eames, why?"
She pressed her palms into her eyes. "Elliot! Stop!" He was relentless.
He put his hands on his head and took a deep breath. She remembered his threat to find out. "It, it was nothing," she stammered. "They left me in the middle of a case. I was embarrassed. It wasn't them. You would have done it too, and so would've I."
"What happened?"
She just decided to tell him the whole thing. She told him that she had figured it out, and gotten some respect from them. He smiled and shook his head. " You're a fighter."
She looked at him, trying to figure out if he had let it go, or if he would be holding a resentment against Goren and Eames. "They didn't do anything wrong Elliot. They are good detectives."
"I know. I worked with them. They should have told you they didn't want you along." He might have done it, but they did it to his sister. Surely they knew she was his sister. Now it felt personal.
"Elliot, please."
"I am just saying…"
"I know," she sighed. "Everything is the direct approach with you."
He had gotten her talking, and she kept on talking. She talked to him about faces, and voices, from her research that had stayed with her. She had been sent out on a mission to come back with the newest, and best research on catching the criminal. She gathered information from all over the country. Creep after creep, madman after madman, victim after victim, cop after cop, good cops, bad cops. Now, it was her job to make it all into new training for law enforcement. Running off to New York would only delay the report, and the training. She was frustrated. Plus, she still had open cases.
"You still have open cases? That you are working on?" He was stunned.
"Just a couple. They just need time."
He sighed and looked at her.
He annoyed her to no end, but when it came to things like this, she was so grateful to have him. She could trust him, he looked into the face of evil everyday. He KNEW.
She talked just as much as she could without crying. He listened, he understood. Finally, she stopped. " Happy? Is that enough?" she asked.
"Is that everything?"
"Yes."
He didn't believe her. But it was enough for now.
"Do you have to go back to Washington? Tomorrow?" He didn't think she should be alone.
"Yes. I have meetings."
"When are you going to be done with this research?" He asked. She needed some closure.
"I don't know. I have to add some things I got from Goren."
Goren. Her face had flashed when she said his name. Elliot was suspicious. "What did you get from him?"
"Information about a profiler he worked with. Declan Gage." She hoped that bit of detail would pacify Elliot.
"Did you get the information you needed?" Elliot could imagine Goren holding out on her, especially if he didn't trust her.
"Yes." But now she wondered if she did. She had really enjoyed talking with him. He was smart, really smart. He was passionate; he had definitely found his calling. He was good at what he did. Wasn't she wondering right now if he had played her? She had been won over by his innocent geekiness, and charm. Was that a ruse? She still wasn't sure. Suddenly, she was wondering if she had been so infatuated with Goren that she had missed some information. Information on Gage was the main reason she had needed to talk to him, and he hadn't said much.
Elliot was standing in front of her, arms crossed again, examining her face. Worry. He saw worry.
Regan knew that he wasn't satisfied.
"I'm exhausted," she said. "And we have a game to get to." She was looking forward to seeing her nephew, and nieces.
She started to walk off and he grabbed her arm again. "Wait."
She turned and looked at him.
"I am worried about you sitting on this research with no end to it. Now, they have you playing mouthpiece up here, and you will never get it done."
"I will be fine, I have been debriefed."
"What is the plan? For your job?"
"First of all, I am not just playing mouthpiece up here. I am coordinating teams, among other things." Grrrrr… she knew his feelings about the FBI. His feelings, and the feelings of every other cop on the NYPD. She felt it wherever she went. Disdain. . . Elliot summed it up as, "laying down rules and sleeping in bureaucracy." It was hard to tell which he hated more, bureaucrats, or psychiatrists. She was both.
He smiled. He teased her all the time about working for the FBI, about being a mouthpiece and doing nothing. He let it pass now.
She stamped her foot.
"Did you just stamp your foot, little girl?" He burst out laughing. " I didn't say anything!"
She laughed, damn if she didn't stamp her foot. Will I ever grow up? "You wanted to."
He put his arm around her shoulder and walked her back to the car.
"You aren't alone. Remember that." He would remember everything she had said.
They had driven separate cars to the park. She would meet him back at his house, but as she got into the car, she had one last thing to tell him. The FIGHT wouldn't let him get all this information out of her and not pay.
"Elliot, by the way," she said out the car window,"you guys at SVU are getting a full time FBI agent."
She saw the irritation on his face. Wait for it… she thought."Oh, and one more thing, he's a psychiatrist."
That night, every time Elliot tried to bring up her comment about the new agent at SVU, she pointed him back to his family.
She laid her head on the pillow that night with a smile on her face. Her phone rang. A text message. "I'm here, and not going anywhere. Just wanted you to know. X"
Regan shivered.