Chapter 3 : Loosing my mind

Author: youknowyouloveme91

Summary:Once again I have fallen into the darkest side of myself , the one that is affected the most by the mean reds , the side that hurt myself the most.' Post 2.14. B becomes bulimic after C left her. and all the drama comes along with his arrival CB B's POV

Disclaimer:I own nothing, not Gossip Girl ( yet jk ) , not any quotes/lyrics used .but i do own this story

Rating: PG-13

" The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon,

but that we wait so long to begin it."

-W. M. Lewis.


I went to my place , locked myself in my room and kept crying in front of the mirror ignoring everything

my cellphone kept buzzing , Dorota kept calling

I was furious , sad , hurt and felt like an idiot.

I hated Jack , so badly , and I had sex with him , it was a living hell.

I was scared of showing my feelings how ashamed and heartbroken I was.

The faces all around me they don't smile they just crack

I felt like I had no choice to make and I ended up on my knees sticking my finger down my throat , I felt a terrible throat sore , and an abdominal pain , I felt so dizzy.

For hours I just was laying in my bed thinking how stupid I was for everything , letting Chuck cheat on me , believing that he had changed , sleeping with the biggest basstard in the world history after breaking up with the basstard I loved , being bulimic , and even paying attention to my mother comments. I needed to fix everything , but no one could know how much of I failure I felt I was.

We do our time like pennies in a jar
What are we saving for ?

The next day I decided I needed to stop my bulimia , and the only way I could that I barely eating.

I would starve myself until the night when I would feel more tired than ever and I basically fainted in my bed.

We sit and throw our roots into the floor
What are we waiting for?

Serena and Dorota were both starting to realize something was going on , Serena knew about Chuck but not about Jack. Or the eating.

When I got the courage enough to told her , we got into a fight , she started to be so hard on me without realizing she was hurting me. That I went back to my place a started eating like it was my last day alive , somehow I already felt death , and there was nothing to keep living for. But I couldn't give up , and this time I couldn't even understand myself , I felt empty , superficial and breathless , I felt really inside of me that I had to do it , but I knew I couldn't let myself fall for it again , I didn't see myself when I looked in the mirror , I wasn't myself anymore , I didn't know who I was.


So give me something to believe
Cause I am living just to breathe

This time I couldn't help it , I was so sad , I didn't know what I wanted . I needed to be perfect , perfect and nothing else . Everything was out of control.

I ran to my bathroom , closed the door , and stared at myself in the mirror a little , I was so not perfect. 2 seconds later I found myself where I tried not to be , on my knees , getting into the beginning of the end.


And I need something more
To keep on breathing for
So give me something to believe

I was scared of not being perfect.

I wanted to be the perfect daughter , the perfect best friend , the most popular the most beautiful , the most loved , the most skinny , I wanted to be Chucks perfect girlfriend . I wanted my life to be a fairytale.

But that day I learned no to believe in those anymore.


Something's always coming you can hear it in the ground
It swells into the air

I finally got out of my room , I was as scared as a child afraid of night.

' Miss Blair , your mama is worried about you she's downstairs' Dorota said

'yeah sure she is' I said and went downstairs.

'Blair darling , where have you been all day?'my mother said with her 'Eleanor tone'

' my room' I said.

' Serena came to see you and so did Charles , they are both very worried about you-'

'Chuck came?' I said

'yes he wanted to talk to you , is something wrong?

OF COURSE IT IS!!! ' no , nothing is wrong I was just tired and need to have sometime for myself' I lied , I've always been a good liar , like mother like daughter huh?.

'we're are you going?' she asked

'Serena's I'll be back in a while' I lied again

I took my coat and when outside , took a cab and went to the palace .


With the rising
Rising sound

I called him first I didn't want to find him with another pair of hookers.

'why did you come to my place?' I asked

'I needed to talk to you' he said

' good cause I'm going to your place' I said

I knocked on the door and he opened and said

'come in'

'what did you want to talk about?'

'is it true?'

' is what true?' I was begging it wasn't that he found about my bulimia

' you slept with my uncle' he said , it was a huge relief but also a huge pressure.

'yes I did , but it's non of your business since 10 minutes before I made clear that we broke up'

' do you love him?' EWWW , but chuck Bass was jealous , I could see it in his eyes.

' what? NO , he is a basstard ,a so you are'

' I'm sorry'

'what? You think you are going to fix this all saying your sorry , chuck I don't even know who you are anymore'


And never comes but shake the boards and rattles all the doors
What are we waiting for?

'I was sad and you were busy with I have no idea what' he said

' still , gives you now right to cheat on me! You broke my heart too much I can't forgive you that easily'

'goodnight Chuck'

' goodnight Blair'


So give me something to believe
Cause I am living just to breath

When I got home Serena was there. talking with my mom. She would be my moms ideal daughter , instead she got me.

'oh I was just in your place and you weren't there , this explains a lot' I lied

' I need to talk to you'

I went to my room she followed me.

'I'm sorry' she said

' so am I , I was stupid about sleeping with jack' I said

we hugged and everything was fine , I really needed to tell her about my biggest problem right now

but I was scared , of seeming not perfect.


And I need something more
To keep on breathing for
So give me something to believe

So that week all I did was , homework to get at least one perfect thing in my life ,being a perfect student . I was easy for me to do it , what was hard was the rest of the things .Thanks god Jack stopped annoying me for good , just a couple of text but after I told him to leave me alone or either I would tell the whole world about his drunken-drugged night. Serena and I were still friends . I kept ignoring Chuck and my mom was.. changed? I think it was Cyrus I have to thank he is here cause he can control her better than my dad or anyone in the world.

But the bulimia kept following me back. I tried not to do it , I tried controlling myself but I couldn't help it , the abdominal pain was every time worse , also the sore throat and after making myself sick I saw all blurry

I am hiding from some beast
But the beast was always here
Watching without eyes
Because the beast is just my fear

A big part of me missed Chuck , but the other part hated him , and hate change a person. But as much as I hated him I loved him , loved the way he smirks how perverted he is , how he loves saying his name as an excuse for everything , how he hates when someone mocks his scarf , how sweet he can be.

But the biggest thing that went though my mind those days was , ' who am I now?'

I couldn't find an answer for it. I wanted to be perfect like Audrey Hepburn but I couldn't find a way to do it , I was Blair Waldorf but what did that mean to the entire world?


That I am just nothing
Now its just what I've become
What am I waiting for?
Its already done

The next day I saw Chuck and instantly tried to leave. He grabbed my arm

'let me go' I said 'no I want you to listen to me , I broke you heart and I know It and I'm sorry about it , but without you my life is meaningless , I've been heartbroken all this time too you slept with my uncle for revenge , for the first time I know how Nate felt, but I don't feel the same way Nate did for you , you mean more to me'

So give me something to believe
Cause I am living just to breath

'remember my father's and Lilly's wedding?' he said

'yeah?'i said

'in the face of true love..' he said

'you don't just give up even the object of your affection is begging you too , how could I forget?' I said

'about what you said in my father's funeral , I love you too ' he said , I swear I wanted to kiss him but my pride wouldn't let me ,' I know I'm not good showing it , that I'm proud , and stubborn , that I always want to win our games and that I do things to hurt you , but what I wrote before leaving was true , you deserve better than me , I'm horrible-'

no you're not , I know you enough to know the things you do when your hurt , and I'm strong enough to stand them , its worth a try , cause you can be the sweetest person alive when you want to. But I couldn't handle being without you I need you more than what you think I do , and all I ask for you to do the same for me , just that no holding hands or going to the movies. I really wanted to say that but he need to suffer a little,

'true keep going ' I said

' what can I do to get you to forgive me?' he said and held my hand

'chuck bass begging for forgiveness? I think thats alright , but if you do something like that again I will make you wish you were never born.'i said I'm so proud of myself and how I handle Chuck Bass

'lets do it right this time. No broken promises no games no blackmailing .lets take it slow '

'yes but... chuck if you are scared again , just tell me OK? ,you can talk to me whenever you want even 3 am !

And I need something more
To keep on breathing for
So give me something to believe

I was getting my perfect picture again , i was the perfect girlfriend , perfect girlfriend , perfect daughter and perfect student.

But when I looked at myself in the mirror I though I realized the other thing that I need to be the perfect girl , my figure , I wasn't thinking anymore , Chuck has gotten my life back but It wouldn't fix all. i had already lost my mind. I made myself sick again and this time there was blood and much more dizziness.

A/N: I hope you liked this one , please review and thanks to everyone who reviewed.

This chapter was a little hard to write , it has a lot of my personal experience.

One of my friends suggested to write an other fanfiction , based on this but in Chuck's P.O.V. I have enough time to write it , but would you read it?

I mean not many people reviewed . I'll continue it anyway cause I enjoy writing it.