Author: youknowyouloveme91

Summary:Once again I have fallen into the darkest side of myself , the one that is affected the most by the mean reds , the side that hurt myself the most.' Post 2.14. B becomes bulimic after C left her. and all the drama comes along with his arrival CB B's POV

Disclaimer:I own nothing, not Gossip Girl ( yet jk ) , not any quotes/lyrics used .but i do own this story

Rating: PG-13

previously:

I woke up , just to realize it was a dream , my life was still a disaster , I felt so angry with myself and the world , for doing this to me , I felt like throwing every pillow in my bed angrily , I felt like screaming , I felt like dying...

only to find myself on my knees again , killing myself softly and painfully.

I couldn't breathe , I lost control of my body , my body felt soft ..like soaring . I heard people around but the noise became even more far every second . My eyes were to heavy to open , and I lost my conscience...

am I dead?

after the dream I found myself on my knees again , I did it like every time , but I forgot to close the door. I heard Dorota saying something from downstairs but I didn't bother , when I started throwing up everything felt different , besides the blood , my vision was more blurry than ever , I didn't feel my body anymore , but my head was about to self-destruct ,at least it felt that way , I needed to lay down – but I bumped into someone... Chuck

he had flowers , bagels and breakfast at Tiffany's , smells like an apologize , he stared at me blankly and dropped the flowers .

'what do you think you are doing here?' I said

'what do you think you were just doing?' he said shocked

'its non of your business' I snapped

'yes it is Blair I'm trying to help you' he said ' please don't do this to youself i love you , let me help you , i'm sorry

give me a chance to make it right'

'how are you Chuck Bass gonna do that? , breaking my heart in so many pieces that I wont believe in love anymore? , I don't belong to you you don't belong to me , I just belong to myself , I don't need you' I said

'you are killing yourself!' Chuck said holding me close

'I'm already dead! , Chuck , can't you see that? I died along time ago , thanks to you, when you were with some hooker in bangkok womanizing around without ever caring about me i was dying , its your fault , you kill everyone , its who you are , you can't help it I'm a lifeless superficial body thanks to you. ' i said pulling him away , I was crying , i was so angry that i didn't realize what i was saying. i know those words killed him.

'you are selfish and it's killing you , you're living this life telling yourself that you have to be better than everyone , that you are better than everyone ,you feel you have to be perfect! , you know how perfect you are when you try to be perfect? What you can't see is that the more you try to be perfect the most far you get from that. How can you do this to yourself?' he said ' I fell in love with the un perfect you , but I don't know who you are , here' he said throwing a little blue box 'i was going to ask you to marry me today , but I don't want it anymore'

' I cannot believe that for a moment I though it would be different , you can't help it its who you are. you ruin everything ' I said and he looked hurt , i was mad and my words may have hurt him more than what i meant them to. he grabbed his phone and started typing ' what are you doing?' I said

'oh you will see' he said

'what did you do ?' i said

my phone buzzed

Gossip Girl :

shame , shame , upper east siders.

looks like our favorite queen B is as far from perfection as none of us could imagine , can you believe she was find on her knees , with her finger down her throat?

how classy right B?

rather kill yourself slowly for being skinny than dying fat.

' you bastard , you ruin everything , I believed in you , in us , but I cant do it anymore , get out ' I said and turned my back on him

' you should have said that to yourself, miss perfection , i may ruin everything but i don't want you anymore' he said and left

'I don't want you anymore'

his words kept echoing inside my head

'I don't want you anymore'

'I don't want you anymore'

I had officially screwed my life , i Had lost everything Chuck was going to propose and apologize , everything was working and everything I said was a lie that screwed my life , I hated myself I just couldn't be so idiot . everyone knew.. i was so ashamed

I didn't know who I was , what I wanted , what life was.

Without Chuck I was lost , cause of something I did myself.

'I don't want you anymore'

I felt horrible physically and mentally.

i was lifeless loveless lonely and lost

I was going downstairs to tell Dorota to help me , or even my mother or Cyrus , I couldn't do it myself anymore.

But my vision blurred , I felt dizzy ,I couldn't breathe , I lost control of my body , my body felt soft ..like soaring . I heard people around but the noise became even more far every second . My eyes were too heavy to open , and I lost my conscience...

'am i dead?' i said to myself in my mind.

A/N: woooow , that was short but next one will be longer .

I hope you like it.

The chuck and Blair fight was horrible * cries *

I'll update soon I love writing this.

Please review!!!

and check out my other story

thanks for reading!