Chapter 5

"Hey, Nate, are you dead?" Jason asks, poking me.

I groan and turn over. Too tired. What was it, like four in the morning?

"Wake up, Nate. It's past two."

"No. Tired. Sleep."

"It's bad to sleep too late," Jason says.

"Who the hell told you that?" I ask.

"Dad. Now get up."

I sigh and open my eyes, rubbing the eye boogers out of them. Damn Sandman always putting shit in my eye when I least expect it. Does he not have a life? What kind of a sick person goes around and puts sand in your eyes when you're not looking?

Jason smiles. "Okay, I was thinking we could go to the mall today to buy Christmas presents."

"Kay…" I say, pulling the covers off of me. Right as I stand up, I lose my balance and have to hang on to Jason to remain standing.

Jason looks concerned. "Are you okay?"

I shake my head. "Nope… I'm tired."

He puts the back of his hand on my forehead. "You have a fever," he says. "Lay back down."

"Certainly," I say, hopping back in my nice, warm bed. After all, that's all I wanted to do in the first place. I close my eyes and pull the covers up to my chin.

"Should I call a doctor?" Jason asks being all parent-like.

"Don't make a fuss about it." That's the last thing I want – people fondling over me. Just leave me alone, dammit.

"I'm worried, though," Jason says.

"I'll be fine. Calm yourself."

"Well what if you're not?"

"Then you can call someone. But right now, I'm perfectly fine."

And then I feel my stomach churn. Like how you feel right before you barf. Quickly, I shove Jason out of my way and go into the bathroom, barfing my guts out into the toilet. Yucky poo poo pants.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Jason asks again.

"Okay, fine. I'm not okay, Jason. Happy?"

"Calm yourself, you don't need to get defensive about it," he says.

I go back over to my safe heaven (AKA my bed) and lay back down, moaning.

"You sound like shit."

"Why thanks."

"Do you want me to call someone now?"

"No way."

"Okay… fine… Do you need anything?"

"I need for you to go away so I can sleep."

"Alright. I'm going to do some Christmas shopping, if that's okay."

"Perfectly fine."

"If you need anything, you can call my cell phone, or Shane's in his bedroom."

"Okay that's great."

"I'll call in about an hour to make sure-"

"JASON! Leave!"

"Okay, okay."

Good Lord, he doesn't know when to shut up, does he?

"Well make sure to call if you need anything at all…" Jason stands there in the doorway.

"You can leave now!"

He sighs. "I feel bad leaving you here all alone when you're sick."

"Okay, I get it. Go to the mall."

"But I don't want to leave you-"

"Go to the mall, Jason!"

Jason comes over and kisses me on the head before heading off.

I end up falling asleep, but then get a startling awakening when my cell phone starts ringing. I grab it off of my side table. "Hello?" I ask sleepily.

"Hey Nate, how are you?" Jason asks.

"I'm sleeping."

"Okay, I'm sorry for waking you up."

"Okay."

"Do you need anything?"

"No."

"Because if you do, I can come home right now-"

I hang up on him and let my phone fall on the floor, probably getting lost under a mountain of dirty clothes that have piled up on my floor. I close my eyes and fall asleep with my arm off the bed.

The next time I wake up, I find that my arm has been put back on the bed and another blanket was added to my mountain that was forming on top of me.

I open my eyes and see Jason sitting there like a stalker. I wipe a bit of drool off of my face. "Thanks for the blanket."

"Yeah, you were shivering," he says.

The thing about Jason is that he's too nice. It freaks me out.

"What'd you get at the mall?" I ask.

"I went to Bath and Bodyworks."

"Only you…" I start.

"I got you something." He pulls out a big bag and throws this stuffed animal at me. It's a lamb.

I hold it. "Thanks."

"And I got you some other stuff too." Jason takes out a bottle of bubble bath. "It's supposed to help with being sick or something."

"Well that's great."

"Yeah, and I got Shane some stuff too."

"Mmm hmm…"

When I resort to the 'mmm hmms' that means I no longer care about the conversation.

"So are you feeling any better?"

"No."

"Do you want me to call someone?"

"No."

"Do you want me to make dinner?"

"Sure."

"Okay, do you want pasta?"

"Whatever."

"Kay, I'll make pasta. Holler if you need anything."

"Okay."

"If you need anything at all…"

"GO AWAY!"

"Fine."

He leaves and I have the weirdest dream. I had this dream that the 'That Was Easy' button was chasing me around my house with a knife and he finally caught up with me and every time he stabbed me, he would go, "That was easy. That was easy."

The next thing I know, Jason is shaking me. "Nate!"

My eyes shoot open. "What? What?"

"You were screaming!" he says.

"I was?!"

"Yeah!"

"I must have been dreaming…" I say.

"Okay, well it was just a bad dream, buddy." He ruffles with my hair, which pisses me off. "I made pasta." He hands me a bowl of pasta off of my side table.

I look at it and want to barf. "I feel too sick to eat it."

He gives me a sympathetic smile. "It's okay. I'll make more later when you're feeling better."

"Mmm hmm…" I close my eyes again and he ruffles my hair again.

"Sleep well, my little angel."

His little angel?

Jason leaves.

I hop out of bed and grab my laptop and make a list.

Things that really piss me off:

All the hoopla about Michael Phelps

George Bush

Taylor Swift and her "24 second breakup." GET OVER IT. Maybe he broke up with you because you're a huge bitch!

American Football

Braces

Grey's Anatomy's newest episodes

Dead baby jokes

Dentists

G-Rated people

People who miss school for religious holidays

Ice and how it melts too fast, diluting your drinks

Hilary Duff

Frozen pizzas

When people don't brush their teeth and breathe near you

People who study for tests

When my internet doesn't connect right away

Tess Tyler

School pictures

When people rub cotton balls together

The huge super-churches

When people pay too much attention to me

People with no musical talent

Five-minute passing periods. (We need more time than that.)

Gay bashing

My list is very long because, well, a lot of things piss me off. I close my laptop and set it down on my side table. I knocked over a glass of water, but right now, I don't give two shits. I fall asleep again.

When I wake up again, Jason is in my room. "Hi."

"Ugh," I moan, flipping over.

"I take it you're not feeling any better?"

"No way, man."

"Do you want me to get a doctor now?"

"No, Jason, no. I do not want more people crowding over me."

Jason feels my forehead. "You're warmer than you were yesterday."

"I'm so hot it hurts," I giggle.

"Are you in pain? Do you want Advil?"

"No, Jason, it was a joke. 'I'm so hot it hurts' is lyrics to a song. Good grief."

"Well I'm sorry I care!"

"Well I'm sorry you care!"

"You know what? I'm gonna call a doctor! Because you're not getting any better!"

"Fine! Be that way!"

Jason storms out of my room.

Uhh, what just happened?

Oh, screw it. I fall back asleep.

But of course I can't sleep because then I hear Jason and some chick talking.

"Fuck off," I mutter under a mountain of blankets.

"Sorry. Can't," someone who I don't recognize says. "Your brother already hired me to make sure you get better."

"Fabulous," I say, turning away from whoever it was.

"He's stubborn," I hear Jason tell the person.

"I can see," she says. "So, Nate…"

Maybe if I pretend like I'm asleep she won't talk to me.

"When did you get sick?" she continues.

Ignoring, ignoring…

"Cat got your tongue?"

I hear Jason sigh. "Yesterday is when he got a fever. He didn't get out of bed all day. The previous day he fell in the pool."

"Well I'm assuming falling in the pool as something to do with it."

The douche bag in me wanted to say, "No shit, Sherlock." But I refrain from saying anything.

"Can you turn around, darling?" the lady asks.

Ignore.

"Don't make me hurt you."

Ignoring…

Then I feel the person – whoever they were – flip me over using force.

"Good," she smiles.

I narrow my eyes at her and turn back around.

"I know what it's like," she says. "Being sick and all… having people crowding around when all you want is to them to leave you the hell alone."

Good God she read my mind.

"But I need to make you better, kay?"

"Nate," Jason says, "now's not the time to be stubborn."

I'm being stubborn and I like it.

He sighs. "I'm sorry, Penelope."

The girl – I'm assuming Penelope – giggles a bit. "It's okay. I've dealt with much worse patients before."

Then Penelope does something I never thought anyone would do.

She hops up on my bed and sits down right next to my face.

"Hi," I say, startled.

Penelope laughs. "Oh, praise the great lord! He can talk! For a second there, I thought you'd lost your voice."

Hah. You're so funny, Penny.

"Okay, then, mister, can you say 'ahh?'"

I open one eye. "Nope."

She fake pouts. "I know you can. Be the little engine that could!"

What am I? Five?

Then she puts on this really serious face. "Don't make me force you."

We have a stare down contest and then Penny launches herself at me. She opens my mouth for me and I let out a pathetic excuse for a scream, which came out a lot like an "ahh!"

"Good! There we go!" she says. "Now are we going to have to do this for the thermometer, too?"

I turn away from this crazy bitch.

She pulls me back over and shoves a thermometer under my tongue.

"You take that out and I'ma cut you!" she says in this really scary voice.

I decide it might be best not to take it out. When it beeps, she takes it out and looks at it.

"Congratulations, Nate, you have the flu. I herby declare that you should stay in bed, take some medicine… yada, yada, yada. Got it?" Penny asks.

"Mmm hmm…"

Penelope and Jason leave the room, chit chattering away.

About ten minutes later, Jason comes up to my room. "Oh my god, that girl is so hot!" he exclaims, sitting down in my chair.

"Mmm hmm…"

"Good lord, she looks like Hilary Duff!"

Now that I think of it, she sure does.

"Nate, I love you!" he kisses me and then says, "I'll go pick up your medicine from the pharmacy. You stay here."

"Okay!" I call out.

Hmm… Doctor Hilary Duff.

Dr. Hilary Duff and … my brother.

Gross.