Chapter 9

The day seemed to go by way too slowly. I kept replaying the conversation I had with my lab partner in Tranny's class throughout the whole day. I didn't do any of my work.

I did, however, end up with three kilos of make up work. For missing one day. It's ridiculous how much work you get in high school.

When I get home, I plop down on the couch, exhausted.

Jason just sighs when I sit down.

"What's your problem?" I ask.

"I miss Penelope…"

"I miss not having to go to school…"

Jason turns to me. "If you help me, I'll help you."

I raise my eyebrows. "What's in it for me?"

"I'll let you skip school tomorrow."

"Hm… sounds good. What do I have to do?"

"Hurt yourself."

I stare at him for a second. "What kind of sick, twisted person are you?"

"No, not like… hurt yourself… but… get hurt."

"That makes no sense what so ever."

Jason goes up really close to me and whispers, "I need her."

"Who do you need?" I ask.

"Penelope…"

"You need Doctor Hilary Duff?"

"Yes. I am on Doctor Hilary Duff withdrawl. And I need her."

"So let me get this straight. You want me to get hurt so you can call her and flirt with her some more."

"Yes."

"Who are you?!" I get up from the couch and start to walk away.

Only too bad for me, my cat leaps off of the staircase and lands right on my head! Then, I run, only to trip over a skateboard. I scream and tumble down to the ground. I scream and cry out in pain.

"You set that up!" I yell to Jason.

Jason comes running over to me. "Nate, what the hell was that!?"

I roll over on my back. "Ahh! I hurt my ankle!"

"Good lord, Nate, you're a klutz. Now get up." Jason reaches out and helps me back up.

When I stand up, I nearly collapse when I put weight on my ankle. "Ow, ow, ow, ow!"

"What's wrong?" Jason asks.

"I hurt my kankle, Jason!"

"Your kankle?"

"Yes. I broke my kankle."

"I'm sure it's fine. Go sit on the couch."

"Yeah… I would go over to the couch if I could walk. That was a very clever trick of yours, Jason."

"What? What'd I do?"

"You evilly put the cat there to jump on me, causing me to run blindly, causing me to trip over a skateboard, causing me to fall and break my kankle so you can be with Hilary Duff."

"Yes. I planned that all out. Because I'm out to get you," Jason replies sarcastically.

"Hey, you said it yourself. You want me to get hurt so you can be with dear Penelope."

"Well I didn't… I didn't mean it."

"You so meant it, Jason."

"I'll go call Dr. Schneider." Jason sets off.

"Yeah! That's what you wanted all along, wasn't it? You just wanted to be with your little… cuddle bunny."

I sit on the floor for the longest time, and then the doorbell rings. My cat, Buster, scampers past me when Jason opens the door, letting his cuddle bunny inside.

Doctor Hilary Cuddle Bunny Duff comes right over to me. "One day out of the hospital and you're already hurt again."

I let out a huff of laughter. "Call me danger." I shoot a glance at Jason, who just shrugs.

"So, Penelope, would like a cup of tea?" Jason asks.

I point to my kankle. "Can we focus on the important thing here?"

"What'd you get yourself into this time, Nate?" Cuddle Bunny says, a hint of amusement in her voice, and sits down next to me.

"I tripped and fell and hurt my kankle. And I blame Jason."

Doctor Hilary Duff laughs and turns to Jason. "What'd you do?"

"Nothing," Jason says. "It was the cat's fault."

X X X

About an hour later and my kankle is nicely wrapped up in bandages. I took a few painkillers and so I'm not dying. But I am, however, getting around with crutches.

Oh, and Cuddle Bunny is staying over for dinner.

Dinner.

Dinner with Doctor Cuddle Bunny.

It sickens me, really, to see Jason flirting with CB, only CB is completely blind to what's going on.

CB and I are sitting on the couch watching the newest episode of House. Apparently, CB's favourite show is House.

Jason leaves the kitchen for a moment just in time to hear CB say, "Oh, I love House!"

"House is my favourite show!" Jason says, walking into the living room.

"No it isn't," I scoff. "You hate House."

Jason starts laughing and pats me on the head. "Are you kidding me? I love this show! Silly boy!"

And then CB laughs.

Good god.

Jason goes back to make a nice romantic dinner for me and his cuddle bunny, and CB and I continue watching House, which is Jason's least favourite show of all time.

I'll tell you what, sitting on a couch with your doctor/soon-to-be-sister-in-law is pretty awkward.

But finally, Jason is finished making the romantic dinner for three, and CB and I go into the kitchen.

There are candles. On the table. The lights are dim.

I think I just threw up a bit.

I sit down, anyway, and tap my fingers on the table in that annoying way a bunch of snobby rich girls do with their fresh manicures.

Jason puts a bowl of bow-tie pasta and a plate of Caesar salad in front of me.

I feel like we're at Maggiano's, my favourite Italian restaurant. The atmosphere is so perfect for it.

I start stabbing my salad with my fork, but Jason and CB glare at me. I stop and look up at them, completely confused. "What?"

"We haven't said Grace yet, Nate. That's so rude to our lord and saviour, Jesus Christ," Jason says with all the seriousness in the world.

I stare at him for a bit and burst out laughing.

I love how he's pretending to be Christian just because his cuddle bunny is one of those extremists.

I clear my throat. "Ahem. Yes. I'm sorry… uh, Jesus." It took all my will power not to burst out laughing.

Then we do this weird thing where we all hold hands and close our eyes.

"Dear God, thank you so much for blessing us with this meal," Jason starts.

Ah, yes. My brother, Jason, the hard-core Atheist, saying a dinnertime prayer.

"Amen," both Jason and CB say after Jason finishes his fake little prayer.

When I stay silent, they both glare at me.

"Uh… yeah…" I point to Jason and his cuddle bunny. "What they said. Can I eat now? I'm starving."

"Yes, Nate. Now you can eat," Jason tells me.

I resume stabbing my salad with my fork.

That was when the worst thing in the world that could ever have happened happened.

You know that weird thing where you slam your fist down on a fork's prongs and it goes flying. Well I did that. And the fork went flying.

And it landed right in Hilary Duff's wine glass, tipping it over, spilling all over her white dead-animal fur coat.

I think it was bunny fur.

Sad, really. Who would kill poor innocent, white bunnies?

That's when Cuddle Bunny flips a shit.

She gasps and stands up. "Nate! How could you?! Do you know how much this cost? I got it from my husband for Christmas!"

And that's when Jason and I freeze.

No, not because it was expensive. Or made out of dead animals. Or because she got it for a Christian holiday.

But because she had a husband.

Jason was the first to mutter out some phrases. "Y-you're m-m-married?"

Hilary Duff nods. "Yes, I do."

And Jason's jaw drops. "Well, SHIT." He slams his fist down on the table. "Damn it!" and then he lets out a long string of swear words while stomping upstairs.

Cuddle Bunny turns to me. "What was that all about?"

I laugh. "You didn't notice?"

"Notice what?"

"That you were his cuddle bunny?"

"His cuddle bunny?"

"Dude, he loved you. He pretended to be Christian for you. That's love right there." I shake my head and do that weird tisk, tisk thing.

"What?"

"Says you look just like Hilary Duff," I continue. "He told me to hurt myself so he could call you and flirt with you some more."

"He did what?"

I shake my head. "Dude… You just ripped his heart in half. He'll never love again. And it's all your fault."

And then I hobble away in a very dramatic way.

Only I trip and fall flat on my face.

And I break my nose.