Chapter 11

25.12.08

For the remainder of the night, Caitlyn and I stayed in my room, talking and doing homework.

It took us about three hours to do just two workbook pages because we were talking so much and kept getting distracted by the TV. (We were watching House, in case you were interested.)

When we finally finished, we watched House for a bit until Jason came in my room and told us that dinner was ready.

We walk down the stairs and see Shane sitting there, looking very pissed off I might add, and looking straight ahead at the wall.

Someone has their grumpy face on.

Caitlyn and I sit down at the table and Jason gives us both some bowls of Mac and cheese.

Shane stares down at his bowl while the rest of us start eating.

"Eat your food," Jason tells him.

"I don't like your goddamn Mac and cheese," he sneers, pushing it away from him.

"Fine. You'll go to bed hungry," Jason says matter-of-factly.

I hate all this passive-aggressive fighting.

"No I won't. We have food here." Shane stands up and grabs a bag of candy, munching on some of those mini chocolate bars.

Jason stands up and takes the bag from him. "You are not going to eat candy for dinner, got that?"

Shane scoffs and sits down at the table. He twirls the Mac and cheese around for a bit and then when Jason wasn't looking, pushes the bowl off the table and it shatters into a billion pieces. "Oops," he says sarcastically and gets the candy bag again.

Jason narrows his eyes at Shane. "Don't make me kill you."

Shane rolls his eyes and walks upstairs with the bag of candy.

Jason sighs and slams his head down on the table. Then he rubs his forehead, saying, "Ow…"

Caitlyn and I exchange glances.

I continue eating my Mac and cheese.

Could this be any more awkward?

These awkward dinner silences could kill.

Caitlyn starts coughing like a maniac and Jason and I look over at her.

"Sorry," she says. "I just choked on air."

We all look down at our bowls and continue eating.

"Well," I say. "This is painfully awkward."

I finished my meal, so I put the empty bowl in the sink and Caitlyn does the same.

"Anyway… we'll be upstairs if you need us," I tell Jason.

Jason just stares straight ahead like a zombie.

We both look at him. I nudge Caitlyn a bit and we both go upstairs, back into my room.

Right as we get in there, Caitlyn groans. "Wow that was the longest twenty minutes of my life!"

I nod. "Yeah."

She logs onto my computer. "Let's listen to some music." Caitlyn turns on some music and then hops in my bed. "Come," she tells me.

I snap out of my trance. "Huh?"

"Come cuddle with me," she says, smiling.

"Okay." I walk over to the bed and hop under the covers with her.

Caitlyn wraps her arms around me. "I'm so sorry about your fucked up family."

"Well it's not your fault," I say. "I blame my dad."

"Why?"

"Because he's the one who fucked us up."

"How?" she asks, scooting close to me. She rests her head on my stomach. "Tell me."

"Look, I really don't want to talk about it."

Caitlyn frowns. "If you never talk about it, then you'll never get it off your chest."

I close my eyes. "He was an alcoholic."

She doesn't say anything."

"Say something," I say.

"There's nothing to say."

"What do you mean?

"I mean there's nothing to say."

"Well you have to say something. I can't just say that and then there be an awkward silence."

"Okay… I'll say something: take off your shirt."

I raise my eye brows, but then I see Caitlyn taking off hers, so I do the same.

I gawk at her.

"Stop staring," she says.

"I can't help it that you're beautiful."

"Tell your eyes to stop staring at my boobs."

"Tell your boobs to stop staring at my eyes."

Caitlyn pulls the covers over her head, so I go underneath them with her. "So on with the story," she says.

I hesitantly continue. "So… he drank a lot of alcohol."

"I kinda figured that out at 'he was an alcoholic.'"

"Well he was kinda… violent."

"How so?"

"He would hit Jason."

"What? Why?"

"Because whenever Jason didn't win a hockey match, he would get drunk and get mad."

"Did he ever hurt you?"

"No. But then Jason started drinking, also, and he got violent."

"Wait, did Jason hurt you?"

"No, Jason never hurt me. He hurt other people."

"Like who?"

"Like Shane."

"Like why?"

"Like why does it matter?"

"Like because I care."

"Stop saying like."

"Fine."

"Anyway… so Jason would get really pissed at Shane because he was always a trouble maker. I mean, he was a pretty happy child, but he would always pull pranks on people and get in trouble. A lot."

"Oh."

"Oh?"

"Yes. Oh. Continue."

"So one day, Jason had too much to drink before a hockey tournament and he got in a fight with someone on the other team."

"But hockey is all about getting in fights."

"I know, but when you nearly kill the other guy and knock him down to the ground and make him become blind, it becomes a different story."

"Ouch."

"Yeah. So Jason got kicked out of hockey."

"Then what?"

"Well he had to quit the team he was on."

"I got that with 'kicked out of hockey.'"

"And Dad got so-o-o pissed."

"What happened?"

"Why am I telling you all this?"

"Because I'm your girlfriend, you loon."

"Right. So when he got kicked out, my dad threw a fit. And got drunk. And hit Jason."

"Why would he do that?"

"Because Jason was the team captain for the all-Quebec hockey team!"

"HE WAS?!"

"Yeah! He was the best there was and everyone knew it! He got a hockey scholarship for practically every single college there was. But when he got kicked out, no one wanted him anymore."

"Oh. Now I see why your dad was mad."

"Well anyway, Jason and my dad had this horrible fight in the middle of the living room, which ended up with my dad hitting my mom and then he went off, got even more drunk, drove, got in a car wreck, and died."

Caitlyn's jaw drops.

"The end."

She remains silent.

I raise my eyebrows. "Say something."

"Fuck!" she exclaims. "That's awful!"

"Hey," I say with a shrug. "You wanted to know."

"And I thought my family was fucked!"

"Yeah, well that's because you've never actually met Jason before. What he did today was just a fraction of what he can do. But, it's been a year and Jason's clean now."

Caitlyn looks up at me, mournfully. "I am so, so, so sorry about everything."

"It's not your problem," I say.

She closes her eyes and places her hand on my chest.

I look at my clock. It's past eleven. "Look, it's late. You should probably head home before your mom starts to worry."

Caitlyn shakes her head. "I'm staying right here. Besides, I won't be able to sleep without you; I can't get that skull scene out of my head."

"Oh, thanks for reminding me!" I reply sarcastically.

"I can't believe you forgot about the skull thing."

"I can't believe you remembered."

Caitlyn lets out a huff of laughter. "Go to sleep. Dream of sugar plums; not scary, disgusting skulls."

I close my eyes and laugh. "Okay."

I run my fingers through her hair and I was about to fall asleep when I hear something crash downstairs.

Caitlyn and I both shoot awake and look at each other.

"What was that?" she asks.

"I don't know," I say, hopping out of the bed.

Caitlyn pulls her shirt back on and we both slowly creak open the door.

We hear more crashing and Shane screaming.

Caitlyn runs out of the room and goes downstairs. "What's going on?"

I run after her. "Caitlyn! Don't go down there!"

When we get into the kitchen, we see Shane cowering in the corner and Jason standing above him, throwing punches left and right.

"I can't believe you would do something like that!" Jason yells, kicking Shane.

"Stop it!" Shane screams.

Caitlyn runs over to them. "Jason, what are you doing?"

And that's when Jason did something I never thought he'd ever do again. He turns around and with his hand in a tight fist, hits Caitlyn. She screams and falls to the ground.

I run over to Caitlyn and help her up. She's crying.

"Jason, I can't believe you just did that!" I yell, picking Caitlyn up.

Caitlyn starts sobbing into my shoulder.

"Caitlyn, go back upstairs," I tell her.

She hugs me one last time before running upstairs.

When she's up there, I turn to Jason. "I can't believe you just hit Caitlyn!"

Jason growls and grabs a bottle of liquor off the counter, throwing it at me. He misses, but glass goes everywhere.

Shane stands up. "Jason, you're a monster!"

Jason shakes his head and grabs Shane's arm, twisting it.

Shane's eyes widen and he lets out a blood-curling scream.

"Let go of him!" I say, punching Jason.

Jason knocks me off to the side and I fall over onto the couch. Jason grabs all of the glasses from the cabinets and chucks them at the wall. He throws all of the dishes on the floor.

Tears start pouring out of Shane's eyes. "Jason, you're just like Dad! How could you hurt your own brothers?"

Jason punches the wall as hard as he could and it makes a hole in the wall. "Fuck!" he screams and kicks the wall repeatedly.

Then Jason comes over and punches me across the face harder than I would have ever guessed anyone could hit someone else.

I gasp and fall down to the ground.

He then storms out of the house, kicking the cat on his way out.

When all the commotion dies down, Shane is still leaned up against the wall, holding his injured arm close to him, and I'm still on the floor, trying to catch my breath.

Caitlyn runs over to me. "Holy shit, Nate!"

I let out a pathetic cry and Caitlyn picks me up, looking at the bruise that's formed on my left cheek. "I'll go get you some ice." She stands up and fills a plastic baggie up with ice, and then puts it on my face. I wince when the cold touches my cheek, but Caitlyn keeps it there. She turns to Shane. "You okay?"

Shane just stands up and goes upstairs.

Caitlyn looks at me. "Do we need to go to the hospital?"

I shake my head. "I'm just a little bruised… Like I fell off a bike. That's all. The real question is, are you okay?"

She nods. "Yeah. I'll live."

"Caitlyn, I'm so sorry that just happened," I whisper.

Caitlyn hugs me. "Nate, it wasn't your fault."

"I can't believe he drank again," I whisper again, quieter than before, swallowing back a sob.

"Nate…"

I shake my head. "Let's just go to bed, okay? We can sleep on it and forget it ever happened."

Caitlyn agrees silently and we slowly head back upstairs.

When we get in my room, I make sure she gets comfortable before I turn off the light and hop in myself.

Caitlyn kisses me on the cheek, which surprisingly doesn't hurt despite the fact that I was just punched there. "I love you so much."

I return the favour. "I love you too."

I wrap my arms around her and feel her breathing start to even out.

I toss and turn for about thirty minutes.

Caitlyn lifts her head up. "Nate, are you okay?"

"Yeah," I lie. "I'm just gonna go get some water."

I hop out of the bed and close the door. I go downstairs and when I see that all of the glasses are still shattered on the floor, I shake my head and forget about the water thing. I slowly head back upstairs as I'm exhausted, but then see a light on in Shane's room.

I knock on the door. "Shane?"

When I don't get an answer, I open the door and walk in. He's not in his bed or at his desk. I go into his bathroom. "Shane?" My heart races when I see Shane lying on the bathroom floor. "Shane!" I race over to him and kneel down by him. That's when I see the empty bottle of Advil by his head. I shake him. "Shane! Shane, what did you do?!"

Shane groggily opens his eyes and looks at me. "I just… I just wanted the pain to stop."

"No… Shane…"

"Nate, I'm so, so sorry."

"Shane… It's all my fault. I'm so sorry."

"No," he says closing his eyes. "I told Jason everything."

"What?"

"It's all my fault, I'm so, so sorry."

"It's okay. I forgive you! Just… stay here, okay?"

"Nate… It was me."

He stops talking so I shake him. "Shane… stay awake!"

Shane reopens his eyes. "I got… I got her pregnant."

"Who? Who'd you get pregnant?"

"Ella. It's all my fault. I'm so sorry."

"No, I forgive you. Don't go…"

"Nate… I can't. It hurts so much."

"Shane, if you die on me, I swear I'll do something rash!"

"I love you, Nate."

"No. No, no, no. You can't quit yet!"

"Tell Jason… Tell him I said I'm sorry." Shane slowly lets out a shaky breath and closes his eyes.

"Shane!"

When he doesn't respond, I shake him again.

"Shane, wake up!" I smack him across the face. "Get up, you fool! You can't… you can't… Don't…" I start crying. "Don't… don't walk away."

Shane doesn't respond.

"No! Please! I'm begging you Shane, don't go! You can't leave me! Get up! You have to!" I shake my head and tears fall. "I don't… I don't want to be alone!"

When Shane doesn't say anything else, I break down in sobs and collapse. I bury my head in his chest and hit the floor with my fist repeatedly. "I don't want to be alone. Please," I beg, my words getting chopped up as I cry. "Don't…"

I put my head down on his chest, but there's no heart beat. I wrap my arms around his limp body. He's so, so cold.

And I lay there on the bathroom floor, letting my brother's shirt soak up my tears.

All alone.