7. Despair
Can be read as a companion piece to 'In endless darkness', a viggie about the same moments from Vader's POV.
Thank you everyone for the reviews ! :)
Anakin!
Pain.
She could see nothing, only felt a hot sensation on her back, her hair, everywhere on her body.
She was burning!
Anakin!
A warm, almost hot hand on her shoulder.
Padmé turned her head, fighting the sensation. Too hot. She couldn't breathe…
The feeling of fingers around her throat came back harshly.
She moaned and made a concerted effort to open her eyes. She was no longer on the hot ground of Mustafar, breathing in the heavy air. She was inside her ship. There was a familiar face in front of her.
"Obi-Wan…" she whispered.
He looked exhausted, his clothes dirty, sweat on his brow and his hand burning on her shoulder…
She felt disappointment rise inside her. She had hoped Anakin would be the one she would see… And then she remembered the atrocious pain.
"Is Anakin all right?"
That was all she was able to utter before diving back into darkness. She could still feel the immense pain, choking her, wrapping around her and barely felt Obi-Wan's hand on her skin.
It was all a nightmare. Please, just a nightmare…
Come away with me. Let's leave everything behind while we still can…
Leave. She wanted to leave, even the crumbling galaxy. Leave with him. In her mind's eye, he accepted her hand, he was Anakin again, he was leading her away from the hot planet…
She opened her eyes again, felt the ship start, knew they were fleeing from the planet.
She reached out in agony, feeling her belly contract violently. She couldn't breathe…
"Anakin…" she moaned.
There was something else, at the edge of her consciousness but she couldn't reach it.
A shadow came over her and she blinked, the tears choking her. Obi-Wan was back at her side.
"Where is Anakin?" she asked hoarsely.
Guilt flooded on Obi-Wan's face. She didn't need to hear his reply. She read the answer in his eyes and it burned more than the hot ground or that horrible sensation on her body.
Anakin is dead.
This time, when he put her back to sleep, she fell into the void gratefully, wishing she would never wake up.
Padmé was lying on an operating table, white gown covering her frail body. Brown eyes settled on the ceiling silently, watching the bland colors, hearing the soothing sounds of mechanics beside her.
She felt numb. Detached.
Was it the way it felt to have your heart broken?
Was it the way it felt to have your life crumbling down into nothing?
There was no strength inside of her anymore. She didn't want to fight, to breathe, to live.
There was nothing left.
Padmé breathed slowly, feeling the ache in her chest amplify every time she exhaled. She had opened her eyes here, disappointed to see she was still alive. She had glimpsed Bail standing near Obi-Wan as the droids examined her.
She didn't even know what planet she was on and somehow she didn't care.
All she could see was Anakin's eyes settling on her, furious, yellow covering his irises as he walked towards her.
She had been afraid then. For the first time of her life. Afraid of what he could do to her. She had tried to plead, to explain herself. But there had been the convulsive grip around her throat and she had known no more. She had only been able to croak out his name, staring at him, imploring him with her eyes.
But he was blind.
He wanted to kill her.
She winced, looked away from the harsh light. Beneath the white gown, she could feel the burning print of jappor against her chest.
All she wanted, tried to do, was save him. And he had pushed her away. He hated her now.
Perhaps he could not be saved.
And yet, she knew, deep inside of her, that the man she loved was still there. Buried, shrieking in despair but there.
I've done it for you. To protect you.
Padmé… I think I've found a way to save you.
Anakin had done it all for her. He had killed, destroyed himself for her.
She wanted to die.
Something tenuous came to her abruptly. Pain again. Atrocious pain, subdued, but there.
She winced, closed her eyes, felt something familiar.
So familiar…
It felt like him somehow.
A hand on her forehead. Her eyes snapped open.
It was only Obi-Wan.
"Hold on, Padmé…" he whispered, caressing her forehead.
His hand burned on her skin. The table burned.
What-?
"I can't…" she uttered.
"Padmé, you're going to have twins." Obi-Wan murmured. "They need you."
Twins?
She fought the urge to chuckle. Had it not been what Anakin said once, laughing? She had insisted it was a boy, he had said it was a girl.
He had looked at her then, eyes shining with mischief.
Admit it, I am right. I'm a Jedi. The only way we could be both right is us having twins. Since you only expect one baby, I am right.
Tears fell from her cheeks soundlessly. Numbness seemed to vanish.
Her baby. Their child. Children, she corrected herself quietly.
She would hold on for them. Only for them.
Obi-Wan explained how the medical droid would operate her. She felt so weak. The room was spinning around her. She felt sick and strained to hear the droid's instructions.
As they prepared her and Obi-Wan exited the room soundlessly, she winced harder. The pain was amplifying inside of her. Burning came back. She could feel her skin ache at the simplest contact.
She closed her eyes shakily, reaching out towards the familiar feeling. It felt warm and soothing suddenly.
A whisper in her mind.
Padmé…
She felt him and tears of relief fell from her cheeks, trickling down her hair. But the more she felt Anakin and his hurt, and his shame?, the more the pain became hers. He was suffering so much…
She held on, straining to feel him as much as possible, no matter how it hurt.
He was alive.
A warm feeling enveloped her completely, intrinsically mixed with pain, bittersweet inside her. All the love inside her poured into their connection and she felt like him for a split second. There was so much hatred, shame, anger and above all, pain.
But there was still love.
It shot through her, relieving, healing.
Anakin…
Obi-Wan was back there, she noticed. Suddenly, the droid was hovering between her legs. Pain diffused inside every inch of her body and she didn't know whose it was.
Hers, Anakin's?
It was unbearable. She cried out in agony, feeling the awful feeling reach her whole body.
It was over but there was still this latent ache inside of her.
Suddenly, she saw her son in Obi-Wan's arms and she ignored the pain for a split second before reaching out a weak hand to caress the baby's head.
"Luke."
It had been Anakin's name. The one he had suggested once.
Another baby's cry next to her. She couldn't think, feeling weaker with every passing second. The light hurt her eyes. It hurt. So much. She ached to take her babies in her arms, tried to reach out to the small form in Obi-Wan's arms, couldn't.
She felt so weak.
"It's a girl," she heard through her haze.
"Leia." She said immediately before wincing from the pain.
Hold on…
She had to, couldn't leave now… not her children, not Anakin-
But suddenly she could no longer feel Anakin. Burning receded as the connection between them was suddenly cut off. There was only cold around her.
The lack of warmth was unbearable now.
In front of her, Luke was squirming in the Jedi's arms. She longed to hold her son close. In the distance, she could hear Leia crying.
But she could no longer feel him.
Strength left her, vanished.
"Anakin…" she croaked out.
She felt so weak. She reached out to him meekly in vain.
The lights were blurred around her, the sounds suddenly muted.
"Anakin's not here…" she heard next to her.
She refocused on Obi-Wan's face weakly.
Obi-Wan had to know what she knew. Had to help Anakin… Had to-
"There's good in him…" she whispered, her eyes closing, too heavy to have them open… Luke was there, in her line of vision.
My poor baby…
She couldn't hold on. She felt so cold now…
"I know…" she croaked out, the breaths more and more difficult. "I know – there's still-"
It was so hard to breathe.
Her eyelids fell, the last image, Obi-Wan's blue eyes on her, Luke in his arms, small hand so close to her face…
I'm so sorry…
She felt her head fall down, her breaths slower.
The last sensation she felt before leaping into the black giant hole was the weight of the jappor snippet against her skin.
End