Domestics and Divisions

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Disclaimer: Nothing that you might recognise belongs to me.

Part 7: Making Up & Breaking Up

Rose picked up her mobile and checked the screen. Seven missed calls, all from Kirsty. She sighed. She didn't have the energy to ring her back. She was probably panicking over some little detail to do with the wedding and right now, Rose didn't even want to think about marriage.

It had now been two days since her whole world had come crashing down on her. She'd hardly spoken to the Doctor and rarely to Jack. He'd tried his best to patch things up between the lovers but Rose was too stubborn. But she missed the Doctor. All she wanted was to be held tightly by him but her pride was getting in the way of that.

"Hey," said a voice quietly.

She looked up to see Jack standing at the kitchen door.

"You alright, honey?" he asked.

Rose shrugged, standing up and falling into his arms. Jack was a great cuddler. Not as good as the Doctor, of course, but she still felt better.

"I want to go home, Jack," she whispered,

Jack held her tighter, his heart constricting at the pain in her voice. "Please try and talk to the Doctor, honey," he pleaded, sighing when she shook her head.

"Will you take me home?" she asked quietly, "I want my Mum. It's too awkward here."

Jack sighed. He knew none of them were enjoying their break on Mark Three, which was a shame. "Only as long as your promise to talk to the Doctor as soon as possible when we're back on Earth. You can't go on like this, Rose. It's killing you, it's killing the Doctor and it's killing me."

Rose closed her eyes, the guilt eating at her. "OK," she whispered,

"Good," Jack replied, breathing a sigh of relief, "And you can also stand up for me when the Doctor lays in to me for flying the TARDIS without permission or supervision."

Rose nodded again, not even raising a smile, and walked with him to the empty control room. She didn't know where the Doctor was. He hadn't been to their bedroom since the beginning of it all and he was rarely in the control room, which was odd. Rose sat down on the captain's chair and watched as her best friend slowly activated the time ship. The familiar noise of the time rotor filled her ears as they entered the time vortex. About ten seconds later, there was a large bump that shook her bones, to signify they had landed.

"What's going on?" the Doctor suddenly demanded, appearing in the doorway to the interior of the ship, "Why have we moved?"

Rose didn't answer. She took one look at his worried face before running outside, praying Jack had got the co-ordinates correct. Luckily he had and she stared around the sunny courtyard through increasingly blurry eyes. Letting her feet take her, she soon found herself in her childhood home, snuggled up on the sofa with a hot cup of tea in her hands and the sympathetic ear of her mother as she poured her heart out, explaining what had happened.

"So, he won't even speak to you?" Jackie questioned, once her daughter had finished.

Rose shook her head. "No, it's me," she explained, wiping her eyes, "He tried right after but I told him to leave me alone and he's not tried since. I think I've lost him, Mum!"

"Now, don't be silly," her mother said, hugging her, "You haven't lost him. He's completely devoted to you. He's probably just trying to give you time to sort yourself out and then he's probably hoping you'll go to him and talk. And I really think you need to, sweetheart, or you really might lose him."

Rose swallowed heavily. "Jack's been trying to get me to go talk to him," she admitted,

"And he's right," her mother confirmed, "I know you two can sort this out. Your relationship is more than strong enough. He might have hurt you but I know the Doctor and he always has a good reason for things."

Rose nodded, knowing her mother was right. She stood up and walked over to a mirror, examining her red face and cringing. As she made to turn back around, her eyes caught on the calendar. She let out a startled gasp.

"Mum… what's the date?"

"July the eighth," Jackie replied. She'd been expecting this question. "You've come back a bit late,"

"Oh no!" Rose wailed, "Kirsty's getting married next week! We didn't mean to be back so late. I can't believe we've been gone nearly two months!"

Jackie gave a sad smile. "Kirsty's been trying to ring you but you never picked up and there's also the…"

"I better go and see her," Rose interrupted, "I'll see you later, Mum."

Jackie nodded and watched her daughter run out of the flat, rummaging in her pocket for her mobile phone. She gave a sigh. She felt so sorry that things were going wrong for Rose and the Doctor. Just seeing them happy made her feel happy and hopeful that there was someone else out there for her, who'd love her as much as Pete had. She missed Pete so much and would do anything to see him again. But it would never happen. How could it?

Wiping away a lone tear, Jackie picked up her keys and left the flat. She needed to speak to the Doctor.

Rose pounded into the park where she had arranged to meet her three best friends from college, about fifteen minutes later. She looked around, shading her eyes from the sun and spotted them reclining underneath a tree.

"Rose! There you are!" Kirsty shouted as Rose ran over, "I've been trying to get hold of you for ages. Those gh… Rose, what's wrong?"

Rose wiped her eyes and fell onto the grass next to them. "Me and the Doctor have had a massive argument and we've not been speaking for two days,"

"Oh no!" Lauren said, scrambling over to give her a hug. Matt, too, looked concerned. "What about?" he asked,

"I told him," she said simply,

"And he didn't take it well?" Kirsty asked, gently.

Rose shook her head, a single tear falling down her cheek. "He said no to both. He won't marry me or have a baby with me,"

"Oh, Rose," Kirsty said sadly, carefully joining Lauren in hugging her, "I'm so sorry. Did he say why?"

"Something about it being too dangerous," she replied in a whisper, "But if he really loved me, then he'd say yes surely?"

Matt frowned. "Rose, I think it's clear to all three of us that the Doctor couldn't possibly love you anymore than he already does. Have you actually spoken to him about this and got him to explain his reasons 'cause it sounds like you don't really understand them."

Rose slowly shook her head. "He's tried," she admitted,

"But you won't listen?" Matt asked,

"He's hurt me, Matt," Rose defended herself,

"And you're really hurting him now by not speaking to him!" Matt said strongly, his legal training shining through, "Why are you punishing him, Rose? You're supposed to love him but because he won't do something- of which his reasoning sounds perfectly justifiable to me- you're blanking him out. That's so shallow, Rose. I think you're being really selfish and cruel to him. You're my best friend and everything but seriously get a little perspective!"

Rose had gotten paler and paler while he was speaking. She knew he was right and she was being selfish and cruel. "I know!" she burst out, "But I can't help it! Something's wrong with me; my emotions are all over the place and I'm so worried about everything. I can' take it anymore!"

"So go and talk to him," Matt said, gentler now, "You know he'll listen even after the way you've treated him."

Rose nodded numbly. "OK," she whispered, thinking it was high time she did what everyone seemed to be urging her to do and go and speak to her lover.

Matt smiled and crawled forward to pull her into a hug. She hugged him back tightly, taking in a deep breath before moving backwards, ready for a new start with the Doctor. She suddenly let out hiss and bit her lip. "Sorry," she muttered, "My breasts are feeling a bit… tender. Have been for a couple of days now."

Kirsty frowned suddenly, thinking hard and rest one hand on her expanding belly.

"Rose…" she said thoughtfully, "Is there any way you could possibly be pregnant?"

"What!?" Rose said, genuinely shocked, "No, I don't think so. We've always used protection as far as I can remember. Why?"

"Well, when I was first pregnant, my breasts were sore and my moods were all over the place and stuff," Kirsty explained, "Still are to be fair sometimes. Have you been sick in the mornings at all?"

Rose shook her head slowly.

"Had a period lately?"

"It's due in a couple of days," she stammered, "Kirsty, I can't be pregnant; there's no way!"

"You probably aren't. It's just a suggestion," her friend tried to reassure her,

"What if you were?" Matt asked curiously, returning to the conversation now they had stopped mentioning periods and breasts.

Rose chewed on her lip. "I don't know," she answered in a small voice, "I know I want a baby but with the Doctor's reaction…" She shook her head. "I better go and talk to him," she sighed, "I'll see you guys later,"

"And hopefully you'll have made up," Lauren said, hugging her goodbye, "Good luck."

Rose smiled before walking away towards the Powell Estate. She couldn't be pregnant! What would the Doctor say? She let out a heavy sigh, pushing the worry to the back of her mind. She'd go back to the TARDIS and have a sensible discussion with the Doctor, get him to explain things and she'd ask him to check her over to see if there was anything medically wrong with her. Pregnant? She snorted. No way.

About a quarter of an hour later, Rose slunk into the TARDIS nervously, her heart hammering harder as a result of the worry she was going through that something was wrong with her and also due to the apprehension of how the Doctor was going to react to her. During the walk back, her mind had overreacted, making her think that she had all sorts of life threatening things. She immediately saw the Doctor standing at the console, mindlessly playing with the controls, or so it seemed to her. She took a deep breath and walked over to his side, staring down at all the buttons and levers.

"Doctor?" she said, her quiet voice sounding extraordinary loud in the silent room,

"Jack's gone," he announced abruptly,

"Gone? Where?" Rose asked, shocked,

"Cardiff. To Torchwood Three," he replied, switching a button, "He received an urgent call from Ianto. Apparently there's some unusual rift activity going on up there so he's gone to investigate. I gave him a lift earlier but obviously you didn't notice we'd gone,"

"Oh," Rose replied, "When's he coming back?"

"As soon as they've worked out what's going on. I hope it's nothing to do with the sphere and the Master," the Doctor shuddered, "He said to tell you goodbye and to remind you that he still expects you to keep good on your promise even though he's not here."

Rose nodded silently. "Why didn't you call me and then we all go and investigate together?"

"Well," her lover replied, drawing out the single syllable, "Firstly, we thought you needed to be here for Kirsty's wedding preparations and also Jack thought we needed some alone time and he could handle it on his own."

"Oh," Rose said quietly before pausing. A tense silence ensued. Rose gritted her teeth. She hated this! "Doctor?" she whispered, her voice choked,

"What is it?" he answered.

She slowly looked up to see him looking at her questioningly.

"I… I think there's something wrong with me," she stuttered out, "Something that's affecting my behaviour and my moods and making me act like I have been."

She looked down again shamefully, jerking slightly as the Doctor rested his cool hand on her forehead. She closed her eyes, leaning into the touch. Him touching any part of her was good.

"You don't seem to be burning up," he acknowledged after a moment,

"Will you check me out to make sure?" Rose asked, opening her eyes and seeing the concerned depths of his eyes,

"Of course I will," he nodded, "C'mon, let's go to the infirmary." He took her hand and led her down the corridors to the TARDIS' medical centre. "Climb up," he instructed, patting the bed.

Rose did as she was told and watched him worriedly as he bustled around, collecting various pieces of medical equipment. "Let me listen to your heart," he said, nodding at her top.

She pulled off her t-shirt, sitting there in just her bra and jeans, as he placed the business end of a stethoscope on her chest. "Sounds normal. It's beating fine," he concluded, "Blood pressure?" He checked that but found it to be fine. "How have you been feeling?" he questioned, "Any aches or pains?"

"No," Rose said honestly, "I've just been feeling tired and moody and stuff; kind of like when I'm on my period but that isn't due for a couple more days." She hesitated before continuing, "My breasts have been feeling a bit sore lately as well."

The Doctor raised an eyebrow. "May I?" he asked.

Rose nodded and unclipped her bra, feeling completely comfortable in her half naked state as the Doctor examined them closely.

"They look fine to me," the Doctor said finally, sounding perplexed, "I don't know, Rose. You seem to be healthy but there's obviously something making you feel bad 'cause you've not been acting like my Rose at all lately."

Rose's eyes filled with tears. "I know," she whispered, "I'm so scared something's really wrong with me!"

"Hey," the Doctor said gently, sitting down next to her on the bed, "You're probably fine. Your immune system's probably playing up a bit or something. Can I do a blood test to make sure?"

Rose tensed up. She hated blood tests and needles with a passion but she knew she had to have this one. She nodded her consent, biting down on her bottom lip.

The Doctor stood back up, collecting the apparatus he'd need, before moving in front of her. She moved into the position they had created for this task, with her holding her right arm out, and her left arm curled around his waist and her face hidden in his shoulder. Her lover was about to take some blood when he realised that she was clinging onto him a lot tighter than usual and her shoulders were gently shaking. He took a deep breath, curling his arms around her shoulders and pressing a kiss to her head. Could this be it? Was she about to finally talk to him about all of this?

"What's wrong with me, Doctor?" she whispered, wrapping her other arm around him as well. "Why am I being such a bitch lately?"

"I'll find out, sweetheart," he told her, "It's OK,"

"But it's not!" she cried out, her face still pressed to his shoulder so her voice came out muffled, "I'm being so horrible to you and I don't understand why. Matt just told me I'm being selfish and he's right and I'm treating you so badly but I just can't seem to stop it!"

"Hey," the Doctor said, cupping her chin in his hands and forcing her to look up at him, "Rose, baby, tell me your emotions."

She let out a shaky breath, not being able to tear her eyes away from his. "Worried, scared, sorry, guilty," she reeled off, feeling calmer as she fell into one of the routines she and the Doctor had developed over the past two years, "Tired, sad and… and in love. Tell me yours."

The Doctor smiled at her. "Concerned, happier, forgiving and in love."

Rose let out a sigh of relief and took one of his hands. "I'm sorry," she said, "I just… I just don't understand why."

The Doctor nodded. "Did you read the letter?"

"What letter?"

"The one I left on the desk the morning after the argument," he replied, comprehension suddenly dawning on his face, "You've not read it, have you? That's why we've been arguing for so long,"

"What's it say?" Rose whispered,

"It tells you why," the Doctor said simply, "C'mon, let's go and find it. It's probably easier if you read it." He turned away to put away the apparatus. When he faced Rose again, she had thrown her bra and t-shirt back on and was holding out her arms. The Doctor smiled and picked her up in his arms before slowly making his way down the corridor. He knew Rose was going to be clingy for a few days but who was he to complain?

He set her down gently on their bed, a few minutes later, and reached for the letter that was propped up on the desk that had been in their room ever since Rose took her A-Levels four years ago. He handed it nervously to Rose before sitting against the headboard on the bed.

Rose swallowed, looking at the folded over piece of paper that would hopefully explain everything. She looked at the Doctor for reassurance and clambered up the bed to sit between his legs, leaning against his chest. She let out a relaxed purr as he began to thread his fingers through her hair and massage her scalp and shoulders before unfolding the paper and beginning to read.

Dear Rose, she read in the Doctor's elegant handwriting,

I'm writing this at the desk in our bedroom while you sleep in our bed. I can still see your tear tracks on your face and even in sleep, you have a saddened expression but you are still so beautiful, even in pain. My hearts are tearing themselves into pieces as it is I who put the pain there. I'm so sorry, my love. I never meant to hurt you so badly. You are my life and my reason for living it and it's killing me seeing you so upset. If I could take back my words, I would. They came out wrong. I should've explained things rather than just said no straight out. But I'm hoping I can use this letter to explain my side of things and then I hope to any of the deities I've ever come across, that you'll one day forgive me.

Rose, you shocked me when you told me that you wanted to have a baby with me and marry me. I know you love me- or loved me- but I wasn't sure that you wanted that. In retrospect, it seems foolish to think that. We're both hopelessly in love with one another (and still are, I hope) so it would seem like the next natural step. Even on Gallifrey, when two people loved one another as much as we do, they joined together and reproduced. So, why can't I, I hear you screaming. Angel, you've got to understand that I want those things with you as much as you do. I long to call you my wife, to officially show you off to the universe as the one person I treasure above all others (don't tell Jack) and, as you reminded me earlier, I once said that having a child with you would make me feel over the moon. This is still true. I lied earlier. I've been alone for so very long, Rose, but a family with you would be fantastic. I would be the proudest Daddy in the world but I just can't do it; I can't risk it. The truth is; I'm scared, Rose. I'm scared that I'd do a terrible job in looking after a child and I'm absolutely petrified that some harm would come to them. Our life is no place for a child, sweetheart. I'm permanently worried that you or Jack will get seriously hurt or worse one day and that will destroy me. Imagine what the loss of our child would do to me- to us. I am so sorry about this, baby, but I've got to stick to my beliefs; no matter how much it's killing both of us.

And why won't I marry you, I hear you ask? It's the same problem. I'm too scared. One day, you're going to be taken from me whether through old age or through an accident. You may even decide to leave me, and after the way I've treated you today I won't be surprised if you do. Please don't though, my angel. When we part, my life will effectively be over. I'll be dead inside. Never feel guilty for this, Rose. I realised when I came back for you all those years ago that I'd rather have loved and lost than never have loved at all and had a lifetime of regrets. I love you with both my hearts and then some but I have to be selfish just this once. I can't marry you. I need to keep something back from you. I know this is difficult to understand. I don't really even understand it myself and there's the argument that how is what we have now any different from being married? I don't know the answer to that either. I'm so confused inside. You make me confused, Rose. You're the only person who ever has been able to achieve this. Please just trust in me. Why do we need to get married anyway? It's just a bit of paper and a ring. Isn't true love about what's in our hearts and souls rather than such material things? I think so. But I'm rambling and running out of excuses so I'll finish now. It's going to be hard for a while after today but I know we can get through it together like always.

Please forgive me, Rose. You're everything to me. Please, come and talk to me about this. Talk to me about anything. You're three metres away from me but I miss you. I'm truly lost without you, my beautiful Rose.

All my love,

Your Doctor.

As soon as Rose had finished reading, she buried her face in her knees and burst into tears. "I'm sorry," she gasped out, "I should've listened to you, not blanked you. I'm so sorry!"

The Doctor crawled to kneel in front of her and took her hands, "Do you understand why now?" he asked her gently.

She nodded. "I should've known you'd have a good reason. You always do. I don't know why I didn't think that before." Her eyes held a panicked look and the Doctor leant his forehead against hers, staring deep into her eyes. "I'm sorry I'm such a crap girlfriend," she whispered sadly,

"You're not crap," he told her, "Anything but. Everyone makes mistakes and this was a big thing to get upset over." He leant in and kissed her gently. "We're gonna be alright, baby. We'll find out what's causing your mood swings and sort it out together, OK?"

Rose nodded, wiping the last of her tears away and tentatively returning his smile. She still wasn't completely happy with it but at least understood why she couldn't have it. She hoped that maybe one day, as he wanted it too, she'd be able to change his mind and she'd get pregnant. Unless she already was. Rose blinked quickly, pushing Kirsty's suggestion back to the back of her mind. She couldn't be pregnant. There was absolutely no way. They'd always always used protection.

"That's my girl," the Doctor whispered, not noticing her inner turmoil. He carefully pushed her backwards onto the bed and pressed loving kisses over her face and neck, paying particular attention to the spots that he knew made her squirm. Rose closed her eyes, letting her worries be kissed away.

Suddenly, the TARDIS telephone began ringing in the control room, the sound amplified by the TARDIS. The Doctor looked curiously at Rose before helping her up and making their way to the main room.

"Hello?" the Doctor said, "Oh, Jack… wait, say that again…"

Rose watched his facial expressions change rapidly as she stood next to him, tightly clutching his hand. She was glad they had made up. "Doctor, what's wrong?" she asked, once he'd finished on the conversation,

"Cardiff's being overrun by a giant creature called Abaddon," he explained quickly, "Jack says it came out of the rift and it's killing people simply by having its shadow fall on them. We've got to get over there and help but you must promise me to stay indoors, Rose. I can't lose you."

Rose stared up at him silently but was saved having to answer by a furious pounding on the door. She exchanged a glance with the Doctor before beginning to make her way over. Before she reached it, however, the exterior door somehow burst open to Jackie looking panicked as she rushed in. The sound of symmetrical marching metal feet came floating in from outside, sending shivers down Rose's spine.

"What's wrong?" the Doctor asked Jackie.

"The ghosts!" she squealed in fright, "They've turned into metal men and they're killin' everyone!"

The Doctor turned the whitest shade of pale as he rushed to the door. "It's Cybers," he said quietly, not being able to believe his eyes. Rose swallowed and reached for his hand. Cybermen held bad memories for her.

"Jackie, tell me quickly, what ghosts?" the Doctor said urgently,

"Them ones that first appeared when you were here last!" she said, in a panic, "They came back a few days after you'd gone. We tried calling you but no-one ever picked up!"

The Doctor swore. "Torchwood must have continued once they'd known we'd left,"

"What are we going to do?" Rose asked him, squeezing his hand.

The Doctor's face was scarily blank as he looked at her. "We're going back to Torchwood."

Hours later, the Doctor walked slowly into the TARDIS, his head down and his body screaming out his despair. He'd lost them both. Jack was dead. Ianto had told him that he'd sacrificed himself to Abaddon. It had destroyed the beast but had killed the ex-Time Agent in the process; completely it seemed. The Doctor had seen Jack's body. It was cold, pale and lifeless and it had been hours since it had happened. It seemed that Jack wasn't immortal after all. He was dead.

And Rose, his precious Rose… The Doctor closed his eyes tightly, the image of her screaming as the rift sucked her inwards plaguing him. Luckily, Pete Tyler, her alternate world father, had appeared just in time and taken her back to his world. But she was gone. Torn from the Doctor's arms. He couldn't get to the parallel world. It was impossible. She'd really gone and he'd never see her again; never hold her close again; never see her smiling lovingly at him again; never kiss her red, full lips again; never make the sweetest love to her again…

It was too much. Letting out a broken scream of despair that would have sent shivers down the spines of people if there had been anyone to hear it, the Doctor dropped to his knees, tears flooding down his cheeks, his fists pounding the grated floor beneath him.

He'd lost her. He'd lost his Rose Tyler and he was alone. The last Time Lord was alone once more.

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