A/N: thank you to everyone who read and reviewed; your thoughts are always appreciated and i love hearing what you have to say. the amount of interest generated from the last chapter surprised me (in a good way); i know it took a long time for Sarah to come back but now she's finally here! thanks for being patient.

Chapter 9:

Sarah thought ahead by nature. She always made plans; back-up plans, contingency plan, escape plans--even vacation plans when she was so inclined; she couldn't help it. Having gotten ahead of herself and planned for a lifetime with Chuck, Sarah sat behind the wheel of the rental now staring off into space, wondering how things had become so messed up.

"Um, where are we headed?"

Sarah stirred from her thoughts. Things hadn't gone exactly as she'd hoped. She had been asking for too much when she appeared at Chuck's door, and it set her up for nothing but bitter disappointment.

"Oh…just a place," she said, and focused all her attention on the road. In all honesty she wasn't sure where she was driving to. She had areas in mind, places where they'd shared moments, built memories, but now with Chuck it would only hurt more to have to relive those moments alone.

Sarah was so nervous she didn't even notice how quiet Chuck had gotten in the seat beside her.

"Is there anything you want to talk about?" she broached gently, stealing a glance at his profile. Just a hint of those familiar brown eyes and she felt her throat constrict. "I'm sure you have questions for me."

Chuck seemed to jump back to life. "Really?" He turned, beaming at her with his trademark mega-watt smile. "Wow, really? It's okay? You don't mind?"

Sarah couldn't help but laugh. "Of course. Why not?"

He shrugged. "I don't know. I thought you'd be…I don't know, more evasive?"

Sarah couldn't understand how agreeing to answer a few questions could make him so happy. Then she recalled their circumstances and it had a sobering effect on her. The thought of having to lie made her wish she had held her tongue instead.

Chuck rubbed his hands together in anticipation. "Okay. How did we meet?"

Sarah sighed in relief. Easy enough. "At work. I had a problem with my cell and you fixed it for me."

He laughed incredulously. "Wow and I somehow summoned up the courage to ask you out?"

Sarah smiled, feeling herself relax for the first time in weeks. "Actually I asked you out." She turned her head just in time to catch his look of disbelief. It was enough to make her blush. "Have some faith in yourself, Chuck."

Chuck shook his head. "Right," he said slowly. "Next you'll say you fell in love with my nerd herd outfit."

They shared a laugh. Relief washed over her as she realized he was still the same Chuck she knew and loved.

Well of course. He had some memories removed, not a lobotomy, she chastised.

"You've surprised me, Sarah."

His words sent shivers down her spine. "Oh?" she said, trying to sound nonchalant.

"I didn't think this would be so easy."

She raised her brows in confusion. "Trying to recover your memory?"

"No." A pause. "Talking to my ex."

The words made Sarah's throat seize up. Her stomach threatened to flip inside-out and she clenched onto the steering wheel to steady herself.

"I don't want to make this awkward for you, Sarah," he said.

Too late. Sarah felt like the road in front of her just dipped and her gut sank with dread.

"Were we happy together?"

Sarah bit down on her lower lip. "It was the best five years of my life," she confessed, and held her breath in an attempt to keep the tears from falling. With one hand on the steering wheel she used the other to pull a pair of shades out of her bag, which she slipped hastily over her eyes.

Chuck frowned. "I thought we only dated for four."

Sarah couldn't respond. Ellie must have told him that.

There was too much to explain and knowing the chances he would believe her only discouraged her further. She was grateful when Chuck dropped the subject. Let him think what he will.

"So why did we break up?"

Sarah knew it was safe to look at Chuck without him suspecting her emotional state but she couldn't risk it, not even with the tinted sunglasses. Looking into those inquisitive eyes now, having him ask her about their past as if he'd never been a part of it…it was like grinding glass shards into a fresh wound.

"Would you believe me if I said we didn't?" she asked quietly.

Chuck looked as if he was about to contradict her but he settled into his seat and looked out the window instead. He didn't but he wasn't in the mood to argue.

Sarah missed the days when he would have just trusted her on blind faith alone.

"Do you know where I work now?"

Sarah sighed, grateful for the change in subject. "Yeah, you work downtown."

"Working with computers in an office?" he asked, arching a brow at her.

She smiled. "Why is that so hard to believe? You love computers and you're great with them."

"I don't know, when Carmen told me about it, it didn't sound that fulfilling." Chuck stared at her but she refused to betray her emotions. "I'm sorry. It just slipped out."

Sarah shrugged. "That's fine. It doesn't bother me," she said, the first lie of the day. "She seems like a great girl."

The words made her cringe. God, what was she saying?

"You've met her?" Chuck asked, evidently surprised.

Sarah chewed on her lips. She was getting sloppy. "Yeah, a few times." She could see she was confusing him now, the stories weren't matching up. "And you love your job," she added, desperately trying to steer the conversation back into neutral territory.

Chuck looked relieved. "Really?"

"Yeah, I mean it's not your dream job but it pays well and you won't have to work there forever." She gave him an encouraging smile. Even before the operation Chuck had doubted himself more than he should. "When you and Morgan polish up that game you two are designing you won't have to work there anymore."

"Morgan!" Chuck nearly bolted out of his seat. He gripped her by the arm and laughed. "Oh, Sarah, you don't know how relieved I am!"

Sarah did her best to remain focused on the road, but his sudden touch startled her, bringing with it all the memories of moments that were no longer. To him it was just a simple gesture but for her it was so much more.

"I thought we weren't friends any more and when Carmen asked who Morgan was, I panicked." Chuck smiled at her, wider than she'd ever seen. "Thank you so much, Sarah."

"I didn't do anything," she said, trying to find her voice. His hand lingered on her arm but eventually he let go and placed it over his leg. She stared without meaning to, recalling the times when he drove with one hand so he could use the other to hold hers. It was always the little things that hurt the most, the things that came so naturally--habitually, that she never thought she would miss.

For a moment Sarah thought he was going to ask her about their past again, but when Chuck asked instead about his little friend, she was grateful to provide him with the answers. It just felt safer talking about the people they knew and not themselves.

_

"This is where we ended our first date," she said, walking down the sandy beach. Chuck followed, looking lost and disoriented. "You don't remember…do you?"

Sarah was grateful for the sunglasses. When he shook his head, disappointment came in the form of hot, stinging tears. The site wasn't just where they ended their first date, it was the scene of many other dates thereafter, the place where the Bartowski's had come to picnic, the place where he'd proposed. And now it felt like none of that had happened, like the last five years had just been one big dream.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be." Sarah sighed. "It's not your fault." At this point, she wasn't even sure who she wanted to blame.

She collapsed down onto the soft sand, burying her bare feet in its warmth. Chuck sat down beside her and together they watched the waves crash against the shores and then disappear.

"I quit my job." Sarah stared at the waves; she knew it didn't mean anything to him but she thought he should know.

"Were you tired of it?"

"I was given a choice." And I chose you.

"Are you happier now?"

Sarah looked at him, still clinging to the security of her shades. He was so close she could feel the warmth that radiated from his skin. It was the perfect moment behind the romantic backdrop of the sand and the waves, but all of it had lost its meaning.

She should never have let him go through with the operation. It had been his idea and the agency backed him, knowing full well it would free up their best agents for other missions. Torn by opposing loyalties, she'd promised herself to both sides.

Now she'd lost both. Sarah was sure they'd be teaching all the recruits at the academy not to follow in the same follies. Proverbs were there for a reason; you couldn't have your cake and eat it too.

"Here." She fished inside her jacket pocket and pulled out a sleek, black cell phone.

Chuck studied it. "Is that my cell?"

Minus any compromising data. Unwilling to allow their personal life to be rifled through by someone else, Sarah had tortured herself with removing the incriminating files.

She stole a glance at him while he looked down at the phone. Sarah had no one to blame but herself if she thought reconnecting with Chuck was difficult. She had been meticulous in her cleaning; that part she had planned well.

An invisible hand reached up to her throat as she considered her next words. She could say 'I'm sorry' in ten different languages, but somehow those words felt cheap and flat. She wanted to tell him everything, the absolute truth--even the things she wasn't proud of, clinging onto the faint hope that something might bring him back.

He wanted this. You can't undo it.

Sarah had to remind herself of that over and over again before she relented and settled on something less honest but more acceptable.

"You had it on you the day of the accident. They kept it apart from your other belongings and must have forgotten to return it to you when you were discharged."

He pocketed the phone with a grin. "And you came all this way to return it to me?"

"No-" she paused as she saw his mischievous grin. He was teasing her now and she realized just how sorely she missed it. Sarah smiled and removed her glasses, staring into the blinding sun.

"Thank you."

"For what?" she asked, closing her eyes.

"For the first time since the accident, I'm finally getting some answers. Things are finally starting to make a sense." He grinned at her. "You're giving me back my life."

With eyes still closed, Sarah smiled wanly. A life, yes, but not the life they'd talked about.

"Chuck, will you do something for me?" When he didn't respond, she knew he had agreed. "Could you close your eyes for a moment?"

Sarah counted three full seconds, and then opened her eyes. Sure enough, his were closed.

She gazed at him, holding nothing back, safe in the knowledge that he would never see her tears. And for however brief of a moment, Sarah could pretend that none of this had happened.

This was just a lazy afternoon, and she was just a girl sitting at the beach with the man she loved.