CHAPTER ONE: WHINING ABOUT SMELLA'S LIFE
(In Arizona)
Smella: Oh, I can't believe my bimbo mother is marrying a successful baseball player. I have to go to Porks to live with my dad because there won't be anything to complain about if my stepfather is rich!
Monee: Oh my darling and amzing and super-wonderful daughter, why do you want to leave me to fend for myself and go to Porks!?
Smella: *Sighs* Oh foolish Monee-I mean mother, I have a false sence of modesty and just want you and your new boytoy to be happy and sexually active in peace.
Monee: Well, you have been taking care of me your entire life because I'm an idiot. Maybe you deserve to live in that rainy little hell with your loser dad.
Smella: Sure why not.
(In Porks)
Karly: Dang I can't believe I have to sit around with this whiny little bitch for the next year and a half, how will Willy Smack and I be able to get together without Smella knowing? I wish she would just go complain on her livejournal like other kids her age do. But Stephenie Meyer wants to make her seem more adult so I guess she could be my housekeeper- Well hello Smella your plane has finally arrived!
Smella: *Sigh* Hello Karly, let's cut the small talk and go to your crappy little house that you are barely able to afford you are boring me with your kindness.
Karly: *mumbles* Little bitch...
Smella: What was that?
Karly: Nothing my super awesome and amazing child!
Smella: Gah! I can't believe I have to live with Karly for an entire year and a half! I was so slender and ivory-skinned that I didn't fit in in Arizona, I will try to avoid all of the normal nice people in this new town so that they will not comment on how average-looking I am!
Karly: Well, I have a surprise for you before we head home.
Smella: Is it a sexy Shampire boyfriend?
Karly: Oh no, silly Smella. It's a red truck that I was barely able to afford on my small police-officer salary!
Smella: It shall comfort me in my misery. It's not very good but hopefully none of the other students at the crappy little highschool here will notice my averageness in this hideous abomination.
Karly: Uh... You're welcome?
Smella: Oh I am so average-looking!
Karly: But Smella, you're a beautiful and amazing Mary-sue. Everyone loves you for no apparent reason!
Smella: Shut up Karly I am trying to whine about my nonexistent problems!
Karly: It's true, you really don't have any problems.
(At Karly's house)
Smella: Do you have to suck at everything Karly!? My room is so small and it still has the crib in it from when I was a mere infant!
Karly: Well excuse me for being a typical middle-aged parent and not knowing what my hip teenaged daughter wants her room to look like! I know how to make it up to you, how about I take you out to Port Angeles tomorrow and buy you whatever furniture you want?
Smella: Leave me to sob in peace you baffoon!
Karly: Sure whatever bitch.
Smella: What?
Karly: I'm going to go sodomize Willy... I mean... Go fishing. See you later!
Smella: Oh pet cactus, why is my life so much more terrible than anyone else's?
Pet Cactus:...
Smella: You are right pet cactus, I must endure this with my false modesty and my averageness and my ivory pale skin!
Pet Cactus: ... Bitch.
(At Porks High School)
Everyone at School: Look! It is the amazing and beautiful Smella Yawn, let's all go be nice to her!
Smella: Leave me alone, your averageness burns my chocolate brown eyes!
Jessica: Hi, I'm Jessica you must be the super-amazing Smella!
Smella: I can tell that you are a materialistic whore just by listening to you talk.
Jessica: Oh you are sooo wonderful!
Eric: Hey Smella, I love you will you please give me the time of day?
Smella: Ick you have pimples and seem like an overly friendly chess nerd. But I shall give you the honor of accompanying me to my first class.
Eric: Oh thank you my goddess!
Mike: Wow Smella I love you too, will you go on a date with me?
Smella: No you fool I am average-looking and yet I want to date an amazingly sexy Shampire!
Jessica: I don't understand, earlier you were saying that you wished you had friends at school because you were so lonely in Arizona. But now you hate everyone and you want us to leave you alone because we're not good enough for you?
Eric: You're a bitch Smella, but I still loooooooooove you!
Smella: Oh why me? My life is worse than the Holocaust! Woe is me!
(At lunch)
*Enter the Mullet and Snail family*
Smella: *Gasp* Who are those amazingly sexy and beautiful people!?
Jessica: Those are the Mullets, that is Posalie and Blemmish. They supposedly have house-shattering sex every night and Posalie is the most beautiful woman on Earth.
Posalie: Hey! I'm the most beautiful in the galaxy!
Jessica: My mistake, most beautiful in the Earth AND galaxy. I wish I could be you!
Smella: Oh my average appearence pains me at this moment.
Jessica: Oh, and that's Malice and Casper Mullet. They are a couple but Stephenie Meyer made them have absolutely no chemistry, it's a well-known fact around the school that he's gay.
*Enter Deadward Mullet*
Smella: Oh dear lord, who is that amazing bronze haired Adonis?
Jessica: I know, he sure is hot isn't he?
Smella: Stop judging people on their appearences Jessica!
Jessica: But you just said...
Smella: His beauty is enough to stop the whole world on its turning axis, oh stay still my fragile beating heart! His lovely golden eyes are enough to make squirrels rape him on sight- Hey where did everybody at my lunch table go?
Eric: I'm still here my wonderful dove!
Smella: Go away you average-looking nerd!
*In Biology*
MR. BANNER: Okay everyone, let's all say hello to our new student Smella Yawn. She is the most beautiful and amazing girl in the whole state so everyone fall in love with her immediately!
Smella: Oh I am so sick of everyone being nice to me! Leave me alone to eye-rape Deadward!
Mr. Banner: Wow, what an odd and unexpected coincidence! You are apparently sitting next to Deadward, Smella.
Smella: Such a strange turn of events that is not at all unrealistic!
Deadward: Ugh... What is that awful smell? It smells like a diaper full of indian food!
Smella: What movie have I heard that from?
Deadward: Oh God that horrid smell is you!
Smella: What are you talking about my lovely messenger of loveliness? I just use strawberry-scented shampoo.
Stephenie Meyer: Wow, so do I!
Deadward: Mr. Banner, I must leave before I kill all of you due to the fact that the smell of diapers full of indian food makes me want to drink your blood.
Mr. Banner: Don't forget your hall pass.
*At the office*
Smella: I can't believe my wonderful bronze-eyed manly heartthrob looked at me with contempt!
Deadward: No! She followed me... I must use my other Shampire power that makes middle-aged women want to have sex with me, despite the fact that I am supposedly a minor...
Office Lady: *Swoon* Oh Deadward, of course you can switch classes. I don't understand why you would want to though because Smella Yawn is the prettiest, smartest, most amazing girl in this whole world!
Stephenie Meyer: Yes I- Uhh...SHE is!
Smella: Wow, I just noticed that my wonderful statuesque Adonis Brad Pitt has pitch black eyes! Look at how observant I am readers!
Deadward: *Hisssssssssss* I can't work with this!
*Runs out of room*
Office Lady: Call me Deadward!
*CHAPTER 2 COMING SOON*