Disclaimer: The X-Files belong to Chris Carter and Fox, Californication belongs to Tom Kapinos and Showtime. David Duchovny is just the common factor, and more importantly, the inspiration!

A/N: I finally felt like writing about Hank again. I feel a little strange doing so, given the news about DD. (Which I think it's awesome he's getting help, don't get me wrong.) But really, that's totally separate from Hank. I'm still going ahead with the story. This time I made the subject matter a little more serious now that Hank and Scully are opening up about their lives. The funny stuff is still there, however.

Warning: More use of the F word.

Ch. 4: Hank Speaks

Just as the sun dipped behind the trees (or was it buildings?), Hank pulled into the garage that attached to his modest home on the outskirts of the city – and not a moment too soon! As much as he enjoyed spending time with a beautiful, intelligent woman like Dana Scully, she was starting to drive him up a wall. And it wasn't just the fact that she'd flat out refused to sleep with him. When they stopped at a stoplight, Hank took out a cigarette but before he could light it, Scully grabbed it from his hand and threw it outside. Hank protested her actions, which led to a long rant about the negative effects that smoking has on one's health and the environment. After that, Hank decided to play it safe, at least for the time being. He had been able to get her to talk a little bit about her experience working with Fox and the F.B.I. which was somewhat interesting. But when he asked how Fox got her to sleep with him, Scully snapped at him and told him to "mind his own damn business". Needless to say, Hank remained silent the rest of the trip.

As soon as Hank turned off his car, Scully gently shook her partner awake. She knew he would kill her if she allowed Hank to help her get him out of the car.

"Wha… wazgoinon?" Mulder slurred as Scully gently caressed his face.

"Mulder, it's me," she said softly. His eyes flickered open to lock with hers. At that moment, Hank could tell that he was intruding on something very private. He was a writer, and his profession had given him insight into the lives of others. Hank knew that those three words really meant something to the couple. But instead of giving them their moment alone as any decent person would do, Hank stayed and watched.

"Scully? I stdill don't feel good," he mumbled. She sighed.

"I know, Mulder. We've just arrived at Hank's place. Do you think you can walk inside?"

"Yeah," Mulder said bravely as he sat up with minimal assistance from his partner. He'd be damned if he'd accept any assistance from Hank, who he was almost positive he heard trying to pick up Scully while he was still in the car. "Scully is duh room spinning, or is it jusd be?" She winced, realizing that if he was experiencing vertigo that his cold must be more serious than she'd originally thought.

"You need to lie down, Mulder," she said, confirming his suspicions that his cold was worsening. When Mulder didn't make some sort of crack or innuendo, she knew that things were really serious.

"I'll get the door for you," Hank said gallantly, swinging the back door of his home open with great gusto.

"Thanks, Hank," said Scully as she helped drag Mulder inside. "If you could bring in our bags, that would be great."

"Sure, anything you want," said Hank with a wink that Mulder fortunately didn't see. "Your room is the second door on the left." With Hank temporarily occupied, Scully felt like she could focus all of her energy on her sick patient. She slowly led Mulder down the hall and into the guestroom, where he promptly collapsed on the bed. After helping him out of his shoes, feeling his burning forehead, and tucking him into bed, Scully decided that the next step was to alleviate his pain and reduce his fever.

"I'll be right back, I'm just going to get you some painkillers," Scully promised before she dashed out of the room. Mulder just moaned in response.

"Hank, do you have any Ibuprofen?" Scully asked as she met him in the hall.

"No, but I do have some Tylenol," he recalled as he disappeared into the guest bathroom. He reappeared and gave Scully his entire supply to use.

"This will do," she told him before he went back into the garage to bring in the remainder of their luggage. Scully remembered to get Mulder a cool cloth for his head and a glass of water to take his meds before she returned to him.

"Dod leave be again Scully," he whimpered after he'd taken the Tylenol.

"I'll just be gone one more time," she said, gently patting his forehead with the cloth. "I need to ask Hank if he wouldn't mind getting dinner together for us."

"No, I don't wad you to have dinder wid Hank," he moaned, sounding like the most pitiful thing Scully had ever heard. "Scully, I doe you musd be attracted to hib."

"What?" She cried. "Mulder, that's absurd. I love you, not a womanizer who constantly smokes and drinks. Here, blow your nose." Scully had found the box of tissues that rested on the desk, and brought them over to her stuffed-up partner.

"Bud he looks like be, only he's a tander ad sexier version of be," said Mulder after he was finished blowing.

"Mulder, did you just call your cousin 'sexy'?" Scully asked, raising an eyebrow. He sighed, and succumbed to a coughing fit.

"You doe what I meand," he growled when his coughing had subsided. "I just dink he has more charisma thad me."

"Regardless if that's true or not," Scully began, secretly thinking that it was, "I'm not someone who's going to leave you for your freakishly look-alike cousin just because you're sick! Mulder, you should know me better than that."

"It's dot you I'b worried aboud," he mumbled. "It's hib."

"Mulder, I've handled worse," she reminded him. "Remember Morris Fletcher? I think he has this guy beat."

"Dot in duh looks depardment," Mulder shot back. "I remember how you said he was so dab ugly."

"I just need one minute with him right now, that's all," Scully said patiently as she temporarily removed the cloth to kiss his forehead. "Don't go anywhere."

Mulder glared at her as if she was betraying him as she walked out the door, but she didn't buy into it. She knew she needed to get Mulder to eat something before he went to bed, and she couldn't fix anything for him if she was in the room with him. Hank sure as hell wasn't going to take the initiative to start dinner, so Scully was going to have to prompt him.

"Hank, do you think you could make dinner tonight?" Scully called as she walked down the hall into the kitchen area. "I was thinking that-"

"Yesssss?" A most seductive voice spoke into her ear, causing her to jump and stifle a scream as she whirled around to find the culprit.

"Jesus, Hank, you scared me," she gasped. "Don't you dare do that again while we're here! Do you understand me?"

"Yes, Mom," sighed Hank. Scully just shook her head, remembering that that remark was a favorite of Mulder's as well whenever she'd ask him not to do something.

"I need you to make dinner while I tend to Mulder," she stated. "Think you can handle that, smart guy?"

"If you count heating up leftover lasagna as dinner, then I'm your man." Scully exhaled with relief.

"And I need you to make Mulder some soup, Chicken Noodle if you have it." Hank just stared at Scully as if she'd made a really bizarre or difficult request.

"Who do you think I am, Martha Stewart?" He shot back, causing Scully to groan in dismay.

"Would you just look? I think you can handle soup, Hank," she said, giving him a pointed look.

"I think you can handle soup, Hank," he muttered in a high pitched voice after she'd just left the room. "I swear to God…" Hank walked over to his pantry, which just happened to have several cans of Campbell's Chicken Noodle soup. (Hank just loved the stuff, but he wasn't going to admit to liking anything that Fox did.) He pulled out one, and decided to make it later. As he heated up the last of the lasagna, he prayed that Fox would fall asleep. Then, Scully would be forced to eat dinner with him!! Perhaps over dinner she'd be more willing to open up to him.

333

"Hank's going to make dinner for all of us," Scully announced as she breezed back into the guestroom.

"Fabulous," Mulder groaned. Scully took a double take at her partner and saw that his form beneath the covers was shaking with cold.

"He said he was even going to check and see if he has Chicken Noodle," she informed him as she removed her heels and climbed in to bed with him. Scully felt him scoot away from her, which hurt her feelings just a little.

"Scully, I dod wand to ged you sick," Mulder weakly protested but she scoffed at his attempt at chivalry.

"I'm not worried about that," she said, as he scooted back, curling his tall, freezing body around her petite frame. "I'm just worried about you. You were hot before, and now you're shivering."

"I'm fide, Scully," he insisted, causing her to laugh as she rubbed his arms at an attempt to warm him up.

"Isn't that my line, Mulder?" He chuckled, which set off another coughing episode. Scully reached over to the bedside table to grab his water glass. She helped him sit up so he could take a drink of water. Mulder ended up accidentally spilling a third of it down his front.

"Well, I guess I'm dot really fide." Scully gave him a sympathetic look, and kissed his stubbly cheek.

"Do you want me to get us another shirt? Another blanket perhaps?"

"Doe, Scully, you're all the warmth I deed." She smiled at that, because she knew that he meant it. Moments later, Scully heard his faints snores. Mulder always did have an easier time falling asleep if she was in bed with him. She debated whether or not to wake him, but decided that his body needed the rest. And so, she skillfully maneuvered her way out of his arms. After Scully pulled her shoes back on, she watched her partner's chest rise and fall. He looked so serene and peaceful when he was asleep, no longer plagued by the worries of their day-to-day existence. Scully wished there was something more she could do for him, but then her stomach growled and reminded her that it needed food, and fast! So she tiptoed out of the room and shut the door, reluctantly planning to join Hank for dinner.

333

"Mmm, something smells good," Scully commented as she walked into the kitchen and took a seat at the small wooden table. Hank hadn't managed to botch the lasagna, from the smell of things. Which was a relief – Scully hadn't eaten anything substantial all day.

"Oh, so you finally noticed," said Hank without missing a beat. "It's a newer cologne, but-"

"Will you give it a rest?" She asked, effectively interrupting him. "I just want to eat my dinner and then get back to Mulder. That's all." She just shook her head at him. "It's no wonder she left you."

"Karen left because of her guilt," Hank snapped. "She was the one who cheated on me, not vice versa. Next time get your facts straight, Dana, before you start making assumptions about people you hardly know." Blushing, Scully looked down at her plate.

"I-I didn't mean to-"

"No, it's okay," said Hank, sighing. "If I were in your shoes, I would've assumed the same thing. I mean, look at me. No wonder she cheated!" He shook his head. "She deserves someone better." Just then the microwave dinged, and Hank took out the steaming container of lasagna. He brought it over to the table and then rummaged around for some bottled waters for them to drink. (He wasn't about to bring out anything alcoholic, just in case she berated him for that too.)

"Hank, I'm sorry," Scully apologized, hoping that she sounded as sincere as she felt. "I know what it's like to get hurt." He snorted.

"I think we all have gotten hurt at one time or another. But thanks." They ate in silence, and Scully thought in vain of a topic that would be safe to bring up.

"Tell me about your daughter," she said after awhile. That was as safe a topic as any. Even though Hank was separated from the girl's mother, it didn't mean he would stop being a father to her.

"Becca?" Hank's eyes lost some of their melancholy as he began to speak about the one person who still gave a shit about him. "She's the most beautiful and well-adapted child ever. Even though she's only twelve, she acts like a grownup. Most of the time she's the one taking care of me, even though I'm supposed to be taking care of her. She's much more technologically savvy than her old man who still longs for his typewriter, and she's the lead singer in a rock band she founded with her friends…" Hank rattled on through most the meal about his daughter, which was fine with Scully. She found herself interested with what he had to say. When he wasn't trying to seduce her, Hank could be a pretty funny guy.

"I'll bet you really miss having her when she's over at Karen's," said Scully during a lull in the conversation.

"Yeah, I miss her so much," said Hank with a haunted look in his eyes. "If you had children, you'd understand." Scully winced at that.

"Oh, shit, did I say something wrong?" Hank worried. "Did you just have an abortion or something?" She shook her head, wondering why Hank always jumped to the strangest conclusions about things. Oh right, he was related to Mulder.

"Mulder and I had a son together named William," she explained. "It's been years since we've seen him, though. It's a long story, but I had to give him up…" Scully stopped talking and bit her lip, not wanting to break down in front of a practical stranger.

"Dana, it's okay," Hank soothed. "If you want to tell me the story, I'm here to listen." She took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

"Before I tell you the story, there's something that you need to know about Mulder and I. This might come as a shock but-"

"I get it, you're sleeping together," said Hank, rolling his eyes. "I got that a long time ago. That's usually the case when you have a child together." Scully sighed, thankful that Mulder had received the brains in the family, at least when it came to logic.

"No, Hank. I mean, yes we are, but ah…that's not what I mean. What I'm trying to say is that Mulder and I no longer work for the F.B.I. We're fugitives running from the law that had Mulder unfairly framed for the murder of a man who is still alive." Hank let out a low whistle.

"And I thought I had problems."

"You do now," Scully sighed. "You're harboring two fugitives. Mulder and I feel awful about tricking you into taking us in, but we had nowhere else to go. It really is a vacation for us, since we'll have a safe place to stay for the first time in what seems like forever." Hank shrugged.

"I could be arrested for many worse things than letting you stay here."

"Really?" Scully asked, intrigued. "Like what?" Hank winced.

"I don't think you'd want to know, especially the most recent indiscretion."

"I've seen a lot of sick stuff working on the X-Files," said Scully. "I'm sure whatever you have to say can't be any worse than that. So, spill."

"I dunno, I feel a little weird confessing to an F.B.I. agent," he admitted.

"Former agent," she reminded him. "Hank, whatever you did, I'm not going to arrest you! I couldn't, not when you've helped us so much. Unless…" she narrowed her eyes at him. "You didn't kill anyone, did you?" He shook his head. "Are you involved in a drug ring?" He shook his head again. "Are you part of the conspiracy to colonize the earth with human-alien hybrids?" Hank made a face at that one.

"No, but I did sleep with a sixteen year-old girl." Scully just stared at him in shock, disgusted by the behavior of this man before her.

"Hank, you didn't," she whispered.

"Hey, I didn't know she was sixteen," he defended himself. "She's a sixteen year-old with a twenty-three year-old body! Plus, she threw herself at me. Now how is that fair?"

"You're unbelievable, do you know that?" She said.

"It gets worse," he muttered.

"How can that get worse?!" Scully cried. "Unless you found out she just had an abortion or something."

"Haha," Hank said, the sarcasm practically dripping from his voice. "No. This sixteen year-old girl Mia is the daughter of the man that Karen is going to marry – Bill. How fucking disturbing is that?"

"It's pretty disturbing," she said. "Does Karen know?"

"Fuck, no," said Hank with a shudder. "I'm not stupid enough to tell her."

"Then I hope Mia keeps her mouth shut for your sake," said Scully. "Just imagine what Bill would do if he found out!"

"I'd really rather not, thanks," said Hank, starting to get a bit irritated. "So you and Mulder - how did that happen? Did it take a few years? Or have you guys been going at it since you were assigned together?" Scully raised her eyebrows.

"You think I'd sleep with him right when we were first assigned?"

"Well, no," said Hank. "You seem a like someone who takes morals just a little too seriously." Scully sighed.

"I'm not a prude, Hank."

"So when did you take the next step in your… relationship?" Scully shook her head. "You're either going to laugh or just think I'm lying."

"No I won't!" Hank exclaimed.

"Fine," said Scully. "It was seven years later, alright?" Poor Hank's eyes practically bugged out of his skull.

"SEVEN YEARS!?"

"Yes," sighed Scully. "I know, it does sound pretty ridiculous."

"Ridiculous doesn't begin to cover it. What the hell were you guys thinking?!" Hank exploded.

"I don't know," Scully admitted. "It's just how things turned out. It's probably for the best because by then our friendship had grown so strong over time."

"And that is why I will never understand women," said Hank, shaking his head.

"I'll drink to that," said Scully. "Cheers." They 'clinked' water bottled and both took large gulps of liquid.

"I'm curious," said Hank as he screwed the top back on his water bottle.

"Oh boy, this should be good," said Scully under her breath.

"What's Mulder like in bed? I never imagined he'd be very good at that stuff, but then again, he's held on to you for this long."

"Why, did you want to experience that first hand?" Scully was hoping that her response would gross him out, much like her comment to Mulder about him saying that Hank was sexy did earlier. Instead, Hank read just a little too much in to it.

"Are you and he offering? Because if you are, I'm game." Hank gave her a devilish smirk, causing her cheeks to glow crimson at even the thought of what he was suggesting. I just can't win with this guy, she thought. Even years of verbal banter with Mulder hasn't prepared me to keep him in line.

"Well, I'd better get back to Mulder," she said hurriedly, not quite looking at him. "Thanks for the dinner, Hank."

"No problem," he smoothly replied as she stood up to leave. "Hey, Dana?"

"Yes?"

"If you don't want to disturb Fox while he's asleep, you could always come to my-"

"Goodnight, Hank," Scully said curtly. The man never quits trying, I'll give him that, she thought to herself as she quietly entered the guestroom and shut the door behind her.

She got back into bed with Mulder, who didn't stir as she crawled back into her arms. Yes, this man had it all. He was her constant and touchstone. Scully doubted that Hank even knew what a touchstone was. He probably thought it was some sort of high-tech rock that was activated by touch, or that it was perhaps a synonym for the Blackberry. Have you checked your Touchstone today? Chuckling at that thought, she joined Mulder in Dreamland.

End Ch. 4

A/N: So, what'd you think? Too serious? Is there anything you'd like them to do or talk about? (Don't worry, Mulder will be in the next chapter more.)

And no, the capitalization of the D in Dreamland is not an error, it's an injoke.