Still In The Kitchens.

I Don't Feel So Good.

My stomach started roiling thirty seconds ago, and I can feel in my blood and bones that Anywhere Near Food is not a good place for me to be right now.

I made myself look at Black. "I have to go," I mumbled, now horrifically feeling the onset of Shite Poking Through My Knickers Like A Prairie Dog. I pulled away from The Table, grabbing up my bag. I spared a goodbye for The Elves—it wasn't their fault Black could manipulate them with Promises Of Extra Work, it was only in their Nature after all—and left.

This had all sprung up on me so quickly!

I shouldn't have drunk that tea when I knew I hadn't ordered it, I know that now. I knew in the back of my mind it was a mistake, but I just like tea so damn much, and I was comforted by the innate honesty The House Elf Race that I couldn't help it. Black was drinking it, and I thought it was alright. I hadn't been in my right mind, clearly. I seem to be paying for that now.

"Are you alright?" Black asked.

I sneered at him.

After I am back to normal, after this little Episode has passed me by, I swear to you, I swear to you, Syrupy Black, on Merlin's Grave, I am going to make you pay. Do you hear me? On Merlin's Grave. I am swearing vengeance.

How will I make Black pay, do you ask? Oh, Black would like to know how, I am sure of that. You all would like to know how.

But I am not going to write it down or say anything more about it, except for this:

Like all Old Pureblood Families, mine has Connections. My Grandmum is Very Familiar with Arcturus Black, who just so happens to be Sirius Black's Grandfather. So stuff that down your nasty gullet and digest it, Syrupy!

Black's mum, when she finds out (and she will, you may count on that) about her son's awful behavior towards me, will proceed to whoop Black to within an inch of his life.

And that is fact. We of Upper Class are very attached to corporal punishment. Black will come home from Holiday looking bruised and used, and he will be limping on both of his legs, and unable to strut around, and I will rejoice.

But right now, that future comfort kind of pales in comparison to what I am about to suffer through.

"Oh shite! Oh shite!" I started moving like The Furies were at my back in a speed walk all the more panicked for its look of ridiculousness. I needed a loo, pronto. I did not notice Black following behind.

"Is everything okay?" he said.

He had no right to act concerned. "What are you doing?" I demanded, noticing now how Black was now only two steps away. "Get back, you jackarse! Go back to your hole!"

"I was worried," Black said, moving closer. I backed up. "So I followed you. You left really abruptly, Raisey."

"Well, I have delicate digestive problems!" I said. "Please leave!" I knew not to listen to Black now. Anything Sirius Black said would be taken as the lie for what it was. Thinks he can be try to be accommodating towards me after he poisons me? Thinks that does he? Like the psychopath with his victim he hurt too harshly too soon? Well, think again! I'll show him!

I'll show them all.

Black grinned.

(Edit: at this point, I feel it's prudent to point out that I should have known something Even Fishier was about to occur, because Black only smiles like this when he is having fun at Someone's Expense, but I did not really think about it; being too concerned as I was with shaking Black off and finding a restroom stall where I could have some Privacy to sit down in and Birth My Small Poo Baby. This lapse was obviously a mistake.)

"I'll stand outside. Make sure you're okay. How's that?" Black suggested.

"Why are you still here?" I said desperately.

Black just shrugged.

"Oh, very well!" I had found Eden anyway; in the form of a first floor loo. I stumbled past Black and entered. "You make sure you stay outside, then."

No one was in there, Thank Merlin. I don't know how I would have coped if I had to run all the way up to the Prefect's Bathroom on the fifth floor just to have a loo to myself. I opened a stall door and unbuttoned my plaid skirt and sat down, thinking all the while of Unnecessarily Attractive Sirius Black standing right outside. Thinking of the possibility of him hearing my shite plop into the toilet bit by bit as it came out of my arse. The threat loomed Ever Greater as the seconds passed by. It was nightmarish.

I felt every plonk of water reverberate in my soul like echoing doldrums; all the more dramatic for the depression they were putting me in. Awful. Awful, awful, awful. This was awful, wasn't it?

Was I stupid?

Was I a dumbarse?

Who takes tea from Sirius Black without checking for Expungents first? Who?

"Oh, fuck!" I groaned, feeling my stomach rebel, feeling a little bit better and little more horrified after every little gurgle my intestines made. I hope Black was disgusted! It would serve him right for making my life a living hell all throughout my time at Hogwarts. He was probably right now sneering at the bathroom door. Well, that was fine. Let him enjoy his last minutes. He had the arse-kicking of his life coming to him once I got out.

"Are you alright?" Black called. "You've been in there a while!"

"Silencio." The thought that maybe I should affect a silencing charm had just occurred to me. I waved my wand in front of my pants, and around the stall, and directly behind the toilet seat for good measure. "Silencio magnus," I intoned. That should do it.

"…Evie?"

"What gives Black the right to think he can call me that?" I grumbled, Annoyed At Everything. "I don't call him, 'Siri,' do I? I call him 'Black,' as is proper. And I haven't spiked his tea, the pillocky, naffy bastard. I've been very kind. I helped him gain an Acceptable."

"Are you alright?"

"No! I'm not bloody fucking alright, you bastard!" I yelled at the stall door, at least comfortable in the fact that Black couldn't hear me. "I'm on my period, and I've just found that out for fuck's sake, you dumb, dumb shite! You gave me something evil! Blood is leaking out of two orifices, one in my arse, one in my woman bits. And I feel like I am shite-ing out my first-born child! All thanks to you and your charming acting abilities! Howcan I possibly be alright, you stupid, stupid, fucking wanker?"

Since it felt therapuetic, I started cursing some more. I usually am not this verbose with my language. In truth, I've been very sheltered. But there's nothing wrong with a potty mouth in the potty. Something quite fitting about it, actually. "Bloody-fucking-helllll! Argh!" I panted. "Seriously, seriously, fucking shite. What the fuck? Merlin! What the fuck? What did I do, really, to deserve this? I am a good girl, deep down. I am. I mean, sometimes, I am bad. Truly, truly awful. But more often…aiiii!" This had better end soon. Weren't Expungents supposed to make things turn runny? Nothing seemed to be in a hurry to rush out. "More often that not," I whispered in a broken voice, "I am blood fucking wonderful to Mankind."

I yelled for a few minutes more. It is always best to get the Aggression out when no one can hear you. By the time my rant was through, I was breathing quite heavily and my voice felt hoarse.

"Do you want me to come in?" asked Black stupidly, this time sounding a bit worried by my apparent silence.

I bit my lip, holding back a frustrated scream. Perhaps all my yelling wasn't through with yet? I realized at that next moment that there was nothing for it in the end, but to yell. Black couldn't hear me anyway, so I might as well just let it all out and be done; and come out of this experience a sunnier human being. "Leave me alone! Leave me alone!"

One minute later, the toilet was flushed, the Silencing-Charms had been lifted, and I was about half a stone lighter.

Everyone has felt the relief of a shite well done with. You, Dear Reader, know what I am referring to. You can literally feel the fresh air rising up your arse, and it is magnificent. The pleasure of it almost makes you a little dizzy. The feeling is close to orgasmic, because your muscles are no longer contracting or spasm-ising, and you feel like your arse has just had the work-out of its life. Washing my hands, I whistled jauntily. Everything feels so fresh and new.

I no longer quite hate the world as much as I did five minutes ago. Or for that matter, I no longer want each and every male in it (Except for Black, of course!) to experience even an ounce of my previous misery. I have a whole new lease on life. Can Conquer Anything. Imagine my surprise and horror then, to come out of my sanctuary, and into a waiting crowd of about fifty Hogwarts' students: some from my year, but most of them from the year above me. Some of them were giggling. Some of them were looking disgusted that I had the temerity to shite in a toilet. All of them were smug. All of them were staring.

For approximately two seconds, I was utterly, utterly speechless.

I looked to Black with a question on my face.

"Wha—?"

"Surprise!" said Black of The Thousand Silly Pranks, Grinning Moronically at me. And everyone started laughing. "Raisin, you really do need to work on your silencing charms! Or…" Black was twirling what looked like an exact replica of my cherry wood wand through his fingertips. To calm down, I fingered mine in my pocket. "Or you need to be more Vigilant over your possessions! Why, anyonecould steal them, dear! And you would never know, would you? You would never know!"

I felt again for my supposedly fake wand. "Oh no!"

It had just turned into a rubber chicken.

Why hadn't it changed the second I had used it?

Why? I would like to know why.

Perhaps, Evelyn, because Black wanted his revenge on you?

Yes, Perhaps.

This night was not going right at all!

Taking a minute to process it:

Rage is a funny thing. So is mortification.

I never really knew how to handle either when they sprung up on me, because they were both so extreme. As a Ravenclaw, I liked to think that I was above such silly things as feelings, but as a human, I know deep down I am not. I cannot really control my emotions when I want to. Emotions are, in their Nature, Uncontrollable. There is this saying my mum is fond of and it goes like this: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

Well, I have tried to stick by that. I have tried to let it be a guideline in how I live my life and interact with other people, but right now, looking at Sirius Black, looking at him smile at me like this Is The Best Joke In The World—for half of the upper years to hear me curse about shite-ing in a toilet (something that should have remained very private)—I think is the Final Proof that I just do not seem to be able to remain as distant as I would like.

Sirius Black is a nuisance. I have now realized he is my Nemesis. Yes, He, not Mara Dice.

I can say with Unequivocal Honesty that I would not mind if I could kill Black slowly right now.

#1: Wring his neck.

#2: Bash in his head.

#3: Stomp on his ribs.

They all sound like very delicious choices of annihilation, and while it is true I have a choice, it is the first question that still has not changed. What should I feel? Rage or mortification? I do not know which emotion to pick. Rage and mortification are funny things and I cannot decide which feeling is more prevalent at the moment. Ironically enough, however, the longer I stay silent and think about this, the longer a third, very tiny, very weak feeling has a chance to crop up on me.

And this feeling is the reluctant acknowledgment of a Game Well Played.

Part of me feels like sticking out my hands and applauding. The Black Hole got me good, and I have to accept that. I do not want to. But I must, because it is literally facing me right now.

"Cat got your tongue?" jeered Black, no longer smiling.

"Oh, Syrupy! You messed with the wrong girl, you piece of shite motherfucker."

The people around us "ooh"ed and edged closer. "Scary!" Black said. "Like I give a damn what you could do to me! You're lily-white. You're a snowflake."

"Well, you should."

Ravenclaw 6th year Girls' Dorm Room.

"Here to begin This Second, Unprecedented Meeting Of The Minds This Term," Lucille said, tapping the carpeted floor with the gavel we used for such purposes, "is Evelyn Ransom with a Story. Evelyn?"

MFRG turned to stare at me. "Thank you," I said regally. "I have much to say."

"Please proceed," Lucille encouraged.

"Ladies!" I said in a Carrying Voice, noting each face around the circle and meeting their gazes, "We have a Problem! We have a Problem, and his name is Sirius Black!"

"That is Old News!" said Lucille. Tamara nodded.

"Ah, but not what he did to me tonight!" I said, leaning forward, and unfortunately wincing, still smarting over the Horror of an hour ago. "You have not heard this!"

"What did he do?" asked everyone together.

"Among other things," I said, "Black stole my wand!"

"No! Black stole your wand?!" As Magical Persons here, we all knew what a Tremendous Breach In Personal Safety this was to a person. "That great arsehole!" said Camilla.

"Just so!" I agreed. "And that's not all! There's more. Much, much more!"

Camilla moved forward so her knee touched mine. "What happened?" she asked.

"Black laced my tea with an Expungent!" I said, amid gasps. I nodded vigorously. "And I had to leave the Tutoring Session early to run to the bathroom, and Black followed me, and he waited outside, with my stolen wand in his Nefarious Grasp, and when I tried to enact a silencio, it didn't work, because it was a fake wand, and everyone, everyone heard me going poo! Everyone!"

"Oh, you poor dear!" Reaching across the circle, Tamara squeezed my hand. "Group hug?" Tamara invited.

I leaned away. "That's okay, Tammy," I said. "Hugging isn't going to take away my anger right now."

Lucille looked at me. "It could!" she said. "Maybe we should do a group hug? I think it would be best!"

"No." I shook my head. "I don't want to! No group hug!"

"Oh, come on!" Lucille said, already edging closer. "It'll be good for you! Give in, Evie."

"You want to know what I think will be good for me?" I asked her. "For Sirius Black to be pranked." Tamara put a hand to her mouth in horror. "Yes! I said it! That's right! I want That Bastard to go down! He's gone too damn far this time! Expungent!" I cried, overcome. "Expungent! Who the fuck does that? We're Hogwarts students not St. Mungo's mentally ill patients! Who the fuck does Black think he is?"

"Sirius Black," Lucille said calmly. Obviously. "He thinks he is Sirius Black. And you know it. We are way out of our league with this."

"Well, do you know who I am?" I said arrogantly, not put out at all. "I am Evelyn Ransom of the Derbyshire Ransoms!"

"You are thinking like a Gryffindor!" Lucille muttered, but I ignored her.

"And my family is much older and much more important than his is. My parents can take him down!"

"I thought you weren't one to run to your parents!" replied Lucille disapprovingly. On Lucille's face was a genuine grimace at the thought of me doing such a whiney, baby-ish thing. Poor Lucille. Did she not know by now that I was not above such game playing? "Cannot we solve our own problems?" she wondered. "We don't have to turn to our parents for this! We can get our own revenge, surely?"

"You don't have to turn to your parents," I said. "But I am certainly turning to mine."

"You're sixteen!" yelled Lucille. "Act your age! You should be adult enough—!"

"I have yet to reach my majority!" I bickered back. "One more year. In the mean time, I will damn well act like a child!"

"Listen!" said Lucille. I closed my mouth with a snap. "Listen. Are you all listening to me?" Camilla and Tamara nodded. Lucille stared at me intently until I did the same. "Good! Evelyn, listen: You are not going to your parents with this, I Forbid It." Lucille slashed her hand for emphasis. "But we are your friends, aren't we? We are all going to help you solve this, aren't we? I am still under the impression Black just meant it as a little joke, but if that's not the case then—."

"Of course he meant it as a Little Joke!" I burst out. "That's all life is to Black: One Little Joke after another! He needs to learn that sometimes, some things have to be serious! Sometimes, when you interact with people and open up to them, you have to be sincere!"

"I agree," said Lucille. "Which is why I think this Tutoring has been good for him. Remus was just saying this morning how—."

I held up a hand. "Please!" I said. "Please do not say it! It's all been an act, can't you see that? Black's Deranged! He wanted to get back at me for tutoring him, do you know how sick that is? How twisted? I was helping him, for Merlin's sake! And not by my choice, either, but because McGonagall said she would write me a recommendation if I upped his grade. Don't you see how much of a Menace Black can be? And I haven't even done anything to him! I helped him!"

Lucille nodded, not looking moved. "I do see," she said. "But I still stand by my earlier conviction of you being good for him."

"Oh, Christ!" I said. "I am the worst person for Black right now!" I looked at Camilla. "The Worst. Cam, what do you think? Do you see my hands shaking?" I held the hands in question up.

"They are shaking, Evie, yes," she noted.

I nodded. "Right. So, seeing this, would you put me in a room with Black right now? Anything could happen with Body Tremors like these, Cam. Anything! And I don't know if I'd be able to do any Damage Control whatsoever. I ask you a third time: would you put us in the same room?"

"I wouldn't!" put in Tamara.

I gestured at her. "See? See? There we are, girls! Lucille? Camilla?' I looked at each of my friends in turn. "Tammy has the right of it! I am not stable like this! I can't be around boys right now!" I paused. "…I don't think I can even be around Girls That Smell Of Boys right now!"

"That's ridiculous!" stated Lucille. "If anyone smells like Boy, then it is you, since you were just alone with one!"

"Don't make it sound dirty!" I chastised. "It wasn't!"

"But it could have been!" said Lucille with a grin. "It's a shame you can't take a joke."

"Whose side are you on anyhow?" I demanded. "Has Pervy Lupin been telling you things?"

"What things would he tell me?" Lucille asked.

I shrugged. "Ask me some time about an Invisibility Cloak."

"What? What does that have to do with anything?"

"You don't know?"