I am NOT intending to make John sound like a crybaby here, I'm sorry if that's the hint I'm giving. I just want to show he has a softer side, even if he does try to hide it.

Charlie Blue - Well, more like drugged water, but in the end it did kind of serve like a truth serum, since she was being all too truthful. Poor John. I didn't mean for it to get so harsh on him :S

Sparklyshimmer2010 - Don't worry, on my grandfather's computer, I signed in four times with no problem...except that it kept asking me to log in. O.o No other page popped up or nothing. Same thing happened on other sites I was on, so I decided not to bother while I was there. That's why the late update.

Yeah, I was trying to go for Elizabeth being really out of it, due to the drugs in the water. LOL Since I'm choosing chapters at random, there's no telling what's coming next. ;) And yes, I counted them, 19 (well, 18, now) to go.

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Tears.

Never shed, that I saw, but they were there. It was a rare occasion to see that form of emotion from John, really. I mean, when Sumner was lost, he turned to anger, but I saw the lingering regret. When we lost Aiden, the pain was stronger, but he remained defensive. We lost many soldiers in our off world explorations, and each time he had to report a loss, I saw the pain and guilt in his eyes. But, he remained defensive, as if afraid showing sadness and grieving was a sign of weakness.

But none of those times did he cry. There were tears. If you were lucky enough to get him to hold still for a few moments, and get a good look into his eyes, you could see the walls, but you could also see the tears threatening to get by.

They never did.

Not even when he learned his father had died. There was regret, once again, and I learned they had never been close, stopped talking a long time ago. I even heard from Ronon his brother wasn't that great of a guy, and that it seemed the only one John knew back on earth, who showed him any real sympathy, was his ex wife.

That bothered me. It made me a little upset, even though Ronon mentioned it was more pity and sympathy than anything. I wanted to be there. There for John, there as support, but I hadn't thought of it until one second too late.

I think, I was too shocked by the idea that our great John Sheppard's own father had died.

I didn't know much about his family, he never really spoke of them, but I could see the pain instantly, even though I think he was hoping I'd tell him it was someone's twisted idea of a joke. When he realized it was real, I saw the tears slip into his eyes before he could blink them away. I saw the raw pain, and knew he was trying to remain strong.

The tears are still there.

Time has passed. How much? I could check, but I really don't want to. At least a year, if not more. I don't want to look back on that day. But... Even though time has passed, John still had the lingering traces of pain in his eyes.

It didn't help when Ronon had been captured. I saw the fear in his eyes at the time, that he might lose yet another friend, another comrade. Teyla comforted him the best she could, but I could still see it bothered him.

And in some sense, I felt like the enemy.

How many times did he have hope of rescuing these people, and I said no? How many times did I hold him back, knowing it was futile, but trying anyways? I slowed him down. Sometimes I found myself thinking, if I had let him go sooner, would at least some of these people still be alive? 'Too dangerous', I said. 'It's suicide', I insisted. I wanted to say yes, but in my position... I just wasn't allowed.

I have tears in my eyes too, you know. I won't just let them fall, not that easily, but they're there.

"John."

I watched as he jumped and looked over his shoulder at me. We were on the balcony leading from the control room, and he'd probably come out here for some time to think. He obviously wasn't expecting me, because I watched silently as a single tear glittered as it threatened to roll down his cheek, before he casually brushed it away and offered me a fake smile.

"Elizabeth. Hey, what's up?"

Frowning, I tilted my head as he looked away, and slowly walked forward. "There was nothing you could do, you know." I was talking about two marines we lost on the trip down to the digging platform under the ocean. The two marines killed by the Wraith Queen.

He turned away and didn't respond, but I'd spent enough time around him to know that my comments wouldn't help much. I've had people say them to me, and they never worked. I was still left with my pain and regret.

Walking over, I stood at the railing beside him, leaning against him a little. I wanted to gather him into my arms and hold him, but I knew he would never be comfortable with that, and in my position, it wouldn't be proper. With a quiet sigh, I leaned against him a little more and felt him lean back. "How long have you been up?"

He shrugged quietly.

I had been expecting some sort of verbal answer, so his silent shrug caught me off guard. Looking up, I watched as he frowned deeply, and had his eyes closed, an expression of deep conflict etched into his face.

He's fighting the tears.

Looking over my shoulder, I took out the remote to open and close the panel and hit it, watching as the door slid shut. Then, deciding to hell with the rules, I pocketed the remote before leaning over and wrapping my hands around his shoulders. "It wasn't your fault." I insisted again, ignoring the way his body stiffened up against mine.

"Elizabeth...?" His voice was rougher than I was used to, and after a long moment, I felt his arms quickly circle my waist. Still, he held me lightly, as if afraid to hurt me, and his own body remained stiff. I felt him trembling ever so slightly, and knew he was still trying to be strong. "I... Sorry..." He shook his head and made to pull away after a few seconds.

Holding him tightly, I sighed loudly. "John, you need to stop bottling it up. It doesn't help. One day you're... You're just gonna snap."

And look whose talking. He's not the only one fighting their tears...

I don't know how long we stayed like that, but after a few moments, I felt him relax a little against me, and the trembling slowly stopped. When we finally did pull apart, his eyes looked a little less haunted, and a couple tears clung to his eyes. He hadn't cried, but I think he let go of a little of the pain.

"Thank you." He said softly, giving me a small, genuine smile.

Nodding, I leaned against him as we overlooked the ocean. "Any time, John. Any time."

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Hope you like it.

John didn't strike me as the crying type, but I know he felt pain. I didn't want to make him sappy and crying, but I did want to show he was able to feel the emotion, even if he fought it. And Elizabeth strikes me as the same, with not wanting to cry freely in front of people.

Oh, and the remote thing for the balcony, I'm not too sure on the balconies and technology, so that's just... My own imagination entwined with facts from fanfiction and the show?

R+R please

Thank you

Tenshi