Disclaimer: Do not own Gundam Seed/Destiny.
A/N: Italicized text are flashbacks. Italicized and bold text are Athrun's thoughts. This chapter is very Athrun introspective. He is a very brooding boy. Thank you for the reviews. They keep me going.
Chapter 2:En Noir et Blanc (In Black and White)
Athrun sat in pensive silence, his breath haggard like his thoughts. He couldn't muzzle the growing agitation his mind currently strived on. Surreal. Everything around him was surreal. His eyes glazed over to the passengers bustling in, searching for their designated seats. For a moment, his sight settled on a young couple across the aisle, their animated bickering reached his ears and tugged at his heart. He shifted his eyes and tried to push away the thoughts that clamored to be heard as he slouched deeper in his plush seat and tilted his head back on the head rest. He shut his eyes. Thinking never did him any good.
Another sigh escaped his lips, sleep had grudgingly eluded him. His fingers dug in to his midnight hair when he leaned more on his open palm—his right elbow sharp against the shuttle's window sill. The black nothingness of space stared challengingly at him.
Black. The symbol of evil, a shroud of darkness, the source of misery and pain, and the murderer of righteousness. White. The epitome of purity, a cloak of innocence, the banner of truth and justice, and the slayer of immorality.
Black & White. As a soldier, Athrun knew these colors well. These were the only colors the military had taught him, and far from being disgruntled, he had been quite content with the knowledge given to him. It had made his life impossibly easier—following orders from superiors became his forte as he settled on his already settled life.
Everything had been in order; he hadn't even tried. At twelve, he had been engaged to a popular songstress, without the tribulations of courtship. At fifteen, he had taken command of his own unit of ace pilots, without much opposition. At sixteen, he had carried a political clout, without his own encouragement.
Black & White. These were the colors he had been taught well. Black was for his enemies. White was for his colleagues and himself. It was easy. And it hadn't taken long for him to associate black as the color for the naturals, while the color of white draped around the shoulders of coordinators. He hadn't seen that the red blood of Junius 7 was beginning to meld with the whiteness of their principles. He hadn't seen that it had begun to taint it darker and darker with revenge. It hadn't matter to him. Because he too had already been filled with dark hatred.
He had become too blinded to see the blood that ran across the line between the opposing colors, indistinguishably bled the two together.
It hadn't been until the blast of the other cockpit that had seemed to awaken him to the reality. The reality beyond of what he had known. Beyond the colors that had steadfastly held the order of his crumbling life.
He could remember the way his hands had shook, finally seeing the blood that had dripped from his hands, and his mind had been filled with images of the torn body of his childhood friend; even the smell of burning flesh had seemed to filter in his nostrils.
And somewhere along the line, he had wondered, what was black? And what was white? When all he could see was blood flowing like rivulets across the land?
It had been her voice full of anger that jolted him from his contemplation. He had turned to her in a half-daze, mirroring the tears that unceremoniously had fallen from her eyes; the gun in her hands had wavered from him. He had seen in her eyes that pain she felt at what he had done, but it had also been accompanied by sadness, sadness for him. And when she had suddenly launched herself at him, her arms wrapped around him, the feeling of shame grew. His mind had been tentative on a single thought: he didn't deserve it; her kindness was better off given to someone who wasn't disillusioned.
"..if only you and I…"
"Cagalli." Athrun whispered in a strangled voice, these thoughts that often lingered in his mind was yet again becoming too much to bear. He straightened up and stretched his back, while he waited for his turn to leave the shuttle, his mind somewhere else.
Even though at that time, he had only met her twice, he had already been able to read in to her personality. She was rebellious, quick-tempered, blunt, and loud. She wore her heart in her sleeve, and her face showed her emotions in all honesty; she had never bothered hiding them. As she had stood there in front of him, clasping her necklace around his neck for his protection, his mind grinded him on how she embodied everything he knew to be wrong.
His father would have called her impulsive. But to him, she was passionate and the world around her was vibrant with colors, colors Athrun had been taught to ignore.
As she waved at him, in the background of the setting sun, Athrun struggled. He was caught—caught between what he knew and what she was representing. His life may be broken, but it was the only life he knew how to live. That was then he decided rather suddenly that he wanted to protect her, whose will was far stronger than his. Because as long as she breathed, there was hope, hope that he too one day could see things just as clear.
"But it's too late now, isn't it?"
His mind retorted. The young man tried to clear his mind, trudging silently down the terminal. The blast of humid air warmed his skin as his eyes scanned the crowd outside, until it rested on a familiar face. Colonel Kisaka approached him silently, his face neutral—belying him nothing. For a moment, Athrun was uncertain on what form of greeting he should relay, but the older man relieved him of his concerns as he stretched out his right hand. After taking his hand in a firm handshake and exchanging pleasantries, he quietly followed the older man, his thoughts recalling a revelation made to him only days ago.
"It's Cagalli…she's dying…."
He glanced sharply at his friend, his knees suddenly felt wobbly. "..W-what?...What do you mean?" He felt his fist circle around his necklace, all thoughts seemingly far away. He barely heard Kira's strangled voice as he made his way to sit down.
"..she was always tired. But we always assumed it was because she worked herself so much." Kira explained in a small voice, taking a seat across him. "It wasn't until about two months ago…that I realized that she was keeping it to herself." Kira's eyes moved away from his, his voice sounding like a plea. "I didn't know…that she had been sick often, until Mana finally tol--"
Athrun suddenly launched himself on Kira, grabbing the collar of his shirt. "You're her brother! Her twin brother! How can you not know?" It wasn't until then, did Athrun realize his friend was trembling.
Kira's lips formed a sad smile. "Cagalli…she never wanted anyone to worry about her." He mumbled, untangling Athrun's hold on him. "She didn't want to let anyone down. And she can be stubborn like that." Kira's laughter sounded hollow in his ears and he watched him slide back down to his seat. Athrun took a step back, his heart throbbing uncontrollably against his chest.
"How long?" He dared steal a glance at Kira, who looked evenly at him.
"The doctor said," Kira took a sharp breath. "he said a few months…it depends how she responds to medication…but he's not optimistic about it."
Athrun sat quietly, digesting his words, before he started shaking is head.
"No…no…it can't be true. The media would have been all over this."
"Why would I lie? What reason does she have?" Kira said indignantly, before sighing. "Cagalli is bidding her time to announce her resignation until she finds her predecessor."
Breaking the eerie silence, Kira's chair scratched the tile floor as he stood up. "I need to go my flight will be leaving soon." Finding him unresponsive, Kira turned and headed to the door. He stopped when he heard his voice.
"Does she know?"
Kira craned his neck to look at him, contemplating the meaning of his words before shaking his head.
"Then why?"
"Why what?" Kira frowned.
"Why are you telling me this?"
Kira sighed. "Because if it was Lacus, I would want to get my chance in saying my good-byes."
Instinctively, he reached out to his chest, thumbing the protruding shape of the Haumea pendant and frowned. He should have given it back to her. Maybe it would have protected her from this sickness that is slowly eating her away. He clenched it tightly in his hand, the cold slab of the stone warming at his touch.
Did he not promise to protect her? The feeling of guilt sagged down his shoulders as the car he rode passed by building structures. Why had he allowed his demons haunt him as it had done so in his past? She had tried her best to fill that hollowness that echoed emptily in him.
Oh, he had been lost.
And though he knew the mistakes in his past, he let doubts clung into him. And she couldn't fight all his battles with him. She had hers to fight and she did not fare better than he did.
And somehow, though he hated to admit it, he knew that when he had left her with a ring in her finger, it was an act of desperation. A need to hold her onto him. Their lives seemed to have forked in the middle, and he, he let himself be drowned away from her with the banner of white, which Chairman Dullindal had blatantly waved before him.
He sighed.
A soldier will always be soldier.
And black and white will be the only colors he would be able to see.
Kisaka regarded the young man at the corner of his eyes. He knew that look of deep in thought of memories that should not be lived on. It was the same one he would catch Cagalli to be sporting in those quiet moments in her office when she would think no one would notice as she would clasp a little ring around her fingers, eyes straining to see in the past. He moved his eyes back on the road, his heart going to the brooding man.
"How is she?" The soft voice broke the silence.
Kisaka briefly met his eyes and gave him a small smile. "She is faring well. We have relocated her away from the city, to the house in Providence." Athrun nodded before looking away, staring at the landscapes that flew him by.
"Am I to see her today?" He asked timidly, heart beating fast.
"Would you rather not?"
"It's not that." He shook his head, biting his lips. "I don't know if she would want to."
Silence emanated once again, as the truck rolled on. Athrun was grateful that Kisaka had not pried more, uncertain himself on how he truly felt on the matter. He returned his attention to the sights that they passed by. They had left the city behind for quiet some time and were traveling to a relatively more provincial area.
The shadows upon the mountains created an illusion of movement as the trees swayed casually with the breeze. Athrun breathed in the fresh air, which trickled in his body. He sighed. He missed this. He missed her.
The last time he had seen her was that day the Archangel launched out of Orb to the Plant for the last battle. It was the last time he had laid eyes on her. He had that uneasy feeling when she would carefully look away from him during her farewell speech. It wasn't until she saluted did he noticed what he had been dreading all along. Her hand was bare—a naked truth that caused him to hold his breath, afraid his heart would sink further.
Was that it, Cagalli? Was there no goodbyes?
He spared Kisaka a glance, who kept his eyes on the road as they drove higher on the mountain ridge. He wondered how Kisaka took the news of Cagalli's health; this man who has watched over her as if she was his own daughter.
As if Kisaka knew his thoughts, he broke the silence. "Cagalli is a strong woman."
"Yes. She is." Athrun looked away. "Colonel Kisaka, is she in a lot of pain?"
Kisaka stopped the car, in front of the gate, and grimly faced him. "I would lie if I said no. But she is not one to give up." He watched the young man's face sadden at the revelation, and then turned to the guards posted at the gate, who saluted him in return.
They passed more trees before it revealed to an expansive garden, at the end to which a mansion stood. Kisaka stopped the truck in front and motioned Athrun to the house. "Mana is waiting for your arrival. She will direct you to your room."
"Thank you, Colonel." Athrun gathered his suitcase and exited the vehicle.
"Athrun." He turned back to the older man. "The war had asked sacrifices from each one of us. The one she had made was perhaps done not only at her expense but yours as well. It was a difficult decision and she did it unwillingly."
Athrun followed the car with his eyes until it disappeared from his view. The words that were spoken to him, eased away some of his uncertainties. He directed his eyes to the plump woman who was heading his way—waving wildly at him.
"Zala-sama! It's nice to see you! How was your flight?"
"It was alright, Mana. Thank you." He gazed around his surrounding as they walked up the stairs. "Is Kira and Lacus with us?"
"Yes. They are with Cagalli-sama right now." She opened a door for him and pointed the interior. "This will be your room, Zala-sama." He politely thanked her before walking in. "Would you like me to announce your arrival?"
"No. That will be alright, Mana. I would like to surprise them."
"Very well, sir." Mana smiled back at him and left him at his own device.
He walked quietly along the hallway, careful as to not direct anyone's attention to him. He followed the sound of indistinguishable voices down to the parlour. As he reached closer, the sound of her laughter reached his ears, and he felt his heart tighten. Upon the archway of the room, he remained still watching her chat animatedly to her sister-in-law. From where he stood, Athrun felt his heart stopped. Her golden locks were a bit passed her shoulders, yet disarrayed like a nymph's who has run gaily through the forest. Her cheeks were a bit gaunt, but they had a tint of red blush rising.
Words he had been practicing caught his throat, and he was left gaping.
And for what it was worth, when her golden orbs found him, he felt all his insecurities flashing right before him.
They were as fiery as he remembered them.
She gasped and suddenly stood up, causing Lacus to turn around. He offered them a small smile.
"A-athrun," Cagalli's hands were shaking. "What are you doing here?"
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