A/N: Wow, you guys are the best, seriously! Thanks for all the lovely, encouraging reviews, they help me get my muse going x) This chapter took a while to write, cus I had all the ideas, but no idea how to write it!
Narrator: 11.15 am. The housemates are at the sofas, with yet another announcement on the way.
'This is Big Brother,' came the cool, female voice, 'One more contestant is being added to the Big Brother house…'
'Only one?' commented the Joker in a smug tone. He turned his head slightly to look at Bruce, flashing him a telltale wink, which was ignored. The room became silent for the most part as the tension and nerves built up; and yet the only one who was making any noise was the Doctor, who was 'hmm'ing' and 'aaah'ing' over every detail he found fascinating – which was everything, really. And yet, if he was being annoying deliberately, he was doing a brilliant job of it – the other contestants were beginning to look uneasy as his casualness continued merrily, unnerving them.
'The last new contestant to be added to the Big Brother house is…'
A dramatic pause.
'Danielle.'
'Oh, a lady…' said the Joker appreciatively, 'I wonder what she'll be like—' He trailed off when a girl of around thirteen years of age wandered in; she was pretty, with dark brown hair brushing gently against her shoulders. She was wearing casual jeans and trainers, and a t-shirt that fashioned Gary the Snail from Spongebob Squarepants.
The Doctor flew to his feet and ran over to Danielle, his sonic screwdriver bleeping. 'Well… you're not an alien…'
'I should hope not,' replied the girl with a raised eyebrow, her dark eyes slightly bemused as she watched the man scratch his head thoughtfully, before sauntering away to the garden, apparently already bored.
'Why the bleep have they let a bleeping kid in the house?' Harvey shook his head. 'What a stupid thing to do.'
'That's exactly what I thought to myself when they let you in here Harvey; I just had the manners to keep it to myself,' said the Joker crudely, sending the district attorney a cold gaze. Bruce smirked, and even Alfred cracked a smile.
Rachel straightened her blouse for a second, before directing the conversation swiftly back to the newest arrival, to spare Harvey's blushes. 'Danielle, isn't it? How old are you?'
'Thirteen,' replied Danielle coolly.
Rachel nodded. 'Okay… you do know contestants are usually eighteen and over… right…?'
Danielle just smiled calmly in response, her hands in her jean pockets. Rachel soon saw she wasn't going to get any information out of the new girl, so she headed off to Luxury bedroom with Harvey, who was still red-faced at the Joker's comment.
'So, Danielle,' purred the Joker in his most charming voice, 'you're a girl…'
Danielle blinked.
'Tell me… are you any good at painting people's nails?'
She nodded shyly, unaware of Bruce's goggle eyed expression. 'Yeah, not too bad…'
The Joker smirked. 'Excellent. Can you paint mine? I'll do yours in return – I'm awful at painting my own nails…' he licked his lips and gazed at her.
Again, she nodded. 'Sure…'
'And you said I was after kiddie-winks,' breathed Bruce slyly.
'Stuff a sock in it, Batty darling!' the Joker flashed him a wide, uncanny grin. 'Or I'll have to get my blade out…'
Bruce sighed. 'Joker, Big Brother removed all of your weapons—'
'Really? Well, I never…' The Joker splayed his fingers out on the arm of the couch, waiting patiently. Danielle unscrewed the top of the nail polish (which was a shocking shade of crimson) and began to carefully paint his nails.
'HEHAHEHA! IT TICKLES! IT TICKLES!' he squealed.
She rolled her eyes. 'Keep still please, otherwise it'll go everywhere.'
'Yeah,' swaggered Bruce, 'Keep still.' He watched Joker with mild amusement – he was such a hypochondriac at times. But who knew, maybe the time they spent in the Big Brother house would bring them all closer, in a none sexual manner, and –
'So…' said the Joker, smacking his lips, 'Did you know Bruce is really Batman?'
Danielle stared at the Joker for a moment. 'Batman…?'
'Yeah. You know. The 40 year old man who dresses up as a man, offers candy to kids and takes them home in his batmobile,' continued the Joker slyly, his grin widening as he saw Danielle's expression flicker from disgust to horror.
Bruce grabbed Danielle's arm but she recoiled, and he began to gabble an explanation. 'No, Danielle, he's twisting everything – I'm not even forty! I don't offer candy to children and I most certainly do not take them home in my batmobile!'
The girl stood up and began to edge away towards the garden, looking a bit put out. Once she was out of earshot, the Joker hooted with laughter. 'Oh, you should have seen her face … still, she's not too bad. She painted my nails a pretty colour, see?' He waggled his fingers at Bruce, and his own expression fell as he saw the fury literally leaking out of his friend. 'Calm down Bruce, calm down…'
'Are you,' asked Bruce, in a husky voice, 'Going to continue to humiliate me while I stay in the house?'
'Yah,' replied the Joker casually, 'Why, is that a problem?'
Bruce rolled his eyes. 'No, it's perfectly fine.'
'Excellent!' The Joker deliberately dodged Bruce's sarcasm and rose to his feet. 'Guess I'll be, ah, cooking up a few more things to spread around, then…' And with that, he danced out of the room after Danielle, waggling his fingers and pointing at Bruce every so often.
Commissioner Gordon was, meanwhile, reading a newspaper. He tended to ignore the childish remarks that were frequently thrown between both Joker and Bruce; after all, there was no point getting involved… right?
oooooooooOOOOooooooooo
Narrator: 11.32 am. Bruce, Joker, Alfred, Dopey and Danielle are in the Garden. The Doctor is on the sofa's, talking to Rachel and Harvey. Gordon is still in his armchair, reading the newspaper.
'Master Wayne?'
'Yes, Alfred?' Bruce lowered his sunglasses to get a better view of Alfred, squinting as the sunlight hit him directly in the eyes. He raised a hand to his forehead, and continued to squint. Alfred flashed a polite smile. 'Master Jok—'
Bruce scowled.
'—er has a surprise for you.' finished Alfred, looking convincing.
'I bet he does,' said Bruce, 'But I've no time to play any of his stupid, sick little games.'
'Oh, now that's were you're wrong, Brucey darling,' chided the Joker, appearing from behind Alfred, with his hands behind his back. 'You see, games are always fun. As long as they're not cut off right at the beginning – otherwise it's no fun! And this is a very … child safe—' he glanced at Danielle, 'sort of game.'
Bruce sat up a little straighter, looking at the other suspiciously. 'Oh? What is it; pin the knife in the victim? I guess the donkey version did get old…'
The Joker broke off into manic laughter and began to lower his arms. 'You're more twisted than I at times, Batty dearest, but no – no stabbing yet…'
Bruce stared, not quite sure what to say.
'Do you like to get… ahem… wet? And I don't mean over myself, either. HEHAHEHA!'
'You sick son of a bleep—' snarled Bruce.
'Don't misinterpret things, it's very unbecoming! No, no, I mean – you like water, right? You like to have a swim…' The Joker raised his eyebrows suggestively.
'I guess,' shrugged Bruce, 'What's it to you?'
'Everything,' replied the Joker, before whipping out a water gun and spraying Bruce right in the face. Bruce leapt to his feet, shaking his face and rubbing his eyes. 'Bleeeep! Joker, what the bleep? Did you put SALT in this? It's burning!'
'Eh, just a little formula I invented…' the Joker seemed to become very interested in his fingernails. Bruce had had enough. He dived over to the Joker, only to be tapped on the shoulder. He turned around wearily, only to receive yet another faceful of water from Alfred.
'Alfred!' whined Bruce, 'You're meant to be on my side!'
'Well Master Wayne,' replied Alfred with a grin, 'Master Joker has offered me a much better salary.'
Bruce's gaze slowly turned towards the Joker, who sure enough, was standing there innocently, whistling an uncanny tune. 'So… okay, let me just… you're not working for me anymore?'
'Oh, I'm still working for you Master Wayne, I promised your parents I would. But don't expect my allegiance to be consistent.' He waggled a finger before stepping aside, and letting Danielle squirt him with her own pink water gun. 'Stop it!' he snapped, pushing the child out of his way, 'You know what? You're so like the Joker, it's like—you're RELATED or something.'
Dopey wandered absently towards the pool, still gawping at the sky. It was lucky that Alfred had noticed his pal wandering aimlessly. 'Dopey! One step further and you'll fall in the pool!' he called, jogging over and holding an arm out. 'C'mon, let's go and get some food or something.'
The clown nodded mutely, and let himself be guided away by Alfred.
'Aw, how sweet,' sneered the Joker, as Alfred and Dopey disappeared from sight, 'the two love birds create a nest.'
'You're just jealous you have nobody to create said nest with,' said Bruce smartly, marching into the house before another word could be said.
Danielle blinked. 'Is he serious?'
The Joker glanced at the younger girl and smirked, his scars stretching. 'He's gay, you know. And he likes little children.' He turned to go back into the house, and Danielle followed, looking a little unsure.
Rachel was snuggled up to Harvey on the couch, letting him stroke her hair affectionately. Bruce glowered at them, but they didn't seem to notice. (Or, perhaps, in actual fact – maybe they had noticed but had the intelligence to let it slide.) The Doctor was humming loudly. 'So… just checking… what year is it?'
'2008,' replied Harvey wearily.
'Ah, right. Good year, 2008. Bit dodgy near the end though…' the Doctor sighed and took off his shoes, flinging them across the room. Harvey glanced at Rachel but she was watching the Doctor with curiosity. 'So, are you an actual Doctor?'
'What was your name again?' the Doctor glanced at her, smiling encouragingly.
'Her name's Rachel,' snapped Harvey, 'You should remember that, she's a beautiful face – not something I could forget easily.'
'Ah right,' interrupted the Joker, 'You just forget how to use your brain… but what you do remember is how to con people into believing in you.'
Harvey ignored him.
'Ah, I see… yes, anyway, sorry, I am a doctor – of science, mainly, but you could say everything,' gabbled the Doctor to Rachel, who was looking impressed.
'You sound like a handy man to have around…' she commented casually, causing Harvey and Bruce to simultaneously let out noises of disgust, which the Joker imitated.
'I can be,' the Doctor replied with a grin, sending off a wink.
Rachel got up from were Harvey was and went to sit next to the Doctor. 'So tell me, Doctor... where are you from?'
'All around really…' he replied vaguely.
oooooooooOOOOooooooooo
Narrator: 11.51 am. Dopey is in the Diary room
'Dopey, is it true you nearly fell in the pool earlier on today?'
The clown gazed around the room in a solemn manner, as if looking to see were the voice was coming from – perhaps there was somebody behind that cushioned like wall... 'Yes it is Big Brother,' he replied slowly, looking at the ceiling with interest.
'But Alfred saved you?'
Upon hearing the name of his best pal in the house, Dopey nodded excitedly his demeanour changing within a flash. 'Yes, Alfred is my best friend in the whole world, he's much better than Happy or the other clown people…' his gaze became dreamy and unfocused again as he resumed gazing at the ceiling.
oooooooooOOOOooooooooo
Narrator: 12.03pm. All of the housemates apart from Dopey are in the Lounge. Big Brother has another announcement to make.
'Housemates, as you will all be aware, there is usually a head of house, somebody who enforces the rules and makes sure all tasks are complete to the best of your ability. As you all already know, there is no head of house currently, which is why you will all be given access to the Diary room to vote. You may only vote once and for one person – not yourself – and soon after, all votes will be recorded and later announced.'
The Doctor looked rather excited; he was sitting suspiciously close to Rachel, who was looking at him with admiration (Harvey and Bruce weren't too pleased about that…)
'Dopey will be the first housemate to cast his vote, and once he has left, you will all go in alphabetical order to cast your vote. Once the vote has been made, you cannot tell anybody who you voted for or why. Thank you.'
The Joker looked excited. 'Excellent! This will certainly spice things up.' He paused, licking his lips. 'I'd be a brilliant head of house… I'm an agent of chaos.'
Bruce snorted. 'Right. You'd have everyone blowing each other up…'
oooooooooOOOOooooooooo
'Dopey, who do you vote for to be Head of House? Big Brother reminds you that once you have told us your vote, it may not be discussed with any other housemate.'
Dopey paused, tracing his fingers over the arm of the couch as he thought for several long moments. 'I think…' he gazed at the ceiling, 'I'm going to vote for…'
A long, dramatic pause.
'Alfred.'
'Thank you Dopey. You may now leave the Diary room.'
Dopey nodded silently before drifting out of the Diary room, were he headed promptly to the fridge. The housemates exchanged glances, wondering who the clown had voted for, but their suspicions were ended when Alfred was summoned to the Diary room.
'Wish me luck,' winked Alfred, cracking his knuckles and scuttling off to the small room.
'He better vote for me,' muttered Bruce, 'I have, after all, known him the longest…'
'Knowing someone longer doesn't necessarily … give you a benefit …' muttered the Doctor, before silencing as Bruce shot him a thunderous look.
Danielle giggled, crossing her legs on the couch as she looked around at everyone. They were all fairly pleasant, but the Gordon guy was pretty… odd. He just read his newspaper. All day long. She wasn't even sure if he'd turned the page; last time she had checked, he was on page three a few hours ago. And yet there he was, reading ever so intently.
oooooooooOOOOooooooooo
'Alfred, who will you, be voting for as Head of House?'
Alfred looked thoughtful for a moment. 'Now ordinarily I would say Master Wayne, but I don't think he copes will in high stress situations. Hm … and I would also say Dopey, but I don't think he'd make a very good leader, mainly because he's more of the … thoughtful … type. So, my vote goes to Master Joker.
A long silence.
'Thank you Alfred. You may now leave the Diary room.'
'No, thank you, Big Brother!' Alfred stood up and wandered casually out of the Diary room and back into the lounge.
oooooooooOOOOooooooooo
Narrator: 12.30pm. All of the votes have been cast, and the housemates are waiting for the results.
'I really hope you get it, Harvey,' said Rachel in a loyal manner to her boyfriend.
'Humph.' Harvey clearly hadn't forgiven her excessive flirting and compliments towards the Doctor.
'This is Big Brother—' the cool female voice slid across the room, causing Dopey to jump in terror. After all, he had been counting how many pattern shapes there were on the ceiling. The Joker mimed Dopey with accuracy, causing Rachel, Danielle and the Doctor to snicker. Dopey sniffed loudly and wiped his eyes.
'With one vote… Alfred comes third…'
The Joker smiled widely, the tension from waiting building up, and up…
'With three votes… the Doctor comes third….'
'Congratulations,' said Rachel smoothly, trailing her hand up and down the Doctor's arm, batting her eyelashes.
'With six votes… the Joker comes first. The Joker is now your head of house. But before celebrations issue out, Big Brother has some information for you all. We have decided to split the housemates into two groups – heaven and hell. Heaven will have the luxuries, were as Hell will not. Joker, you must choose five housemates to live with you in Heaven. The choice is entirely up to you.'
There was a silence, and everyone looked stunned. Apart from the Joker, that was. 'Well well well,' he chimed, licking his lips, 'I bet everyone wants to be my best friend now… nobody wants the poorness out of life, do they? Ha he ha!'
'Shut up, Joker, and get choosing!' growled Bruce.
The Joker raised an eyebrow. 'Now now, Brucey dear, be polite or I may not choose you.'
Bruce sighed. 'I don't care, really.'
'Oh, I think you do,' replied the Joker sweetly, before standing up and facing all of the housemates. 'To live with me in Heaven, I choose…' he paused, licking his lips once more, 'Danielle, Rachel, The Doctor, Alfred and … Grumpy. So, quite clearly, for all you losers—' he flashed them all a mad grin, 'Which are, for clarification issues – Bruce, Harvey, Gordon, Dopey, Happy and Smiley… what can I say…' he swaggered slightly, 'Enjoy your time in hell!'
oooooooooOOOOooooooooo
Steph was glaring at the television. 'Who does that RACHEL think she is? Flirting with my Doctor like that…'
Mel was angry, too. 'Yeah! And now she'll be like – totally sucking up to MY Joker!'
'At least she'll be away from Bruce,' said Sami smugly, slurping her Coke noisily as the end credits began to roll, 'I can only imagine what – ahem – ACTIVITIES will happen!'
'Seriously,' said Steph, 'I'm staying OFF school tomorrow. You two are as well. We need to catch up on ALL the gossip…'
Mel smirked. 'Sounds good to me!'
Sami frowned. 'I don't know if Mum will let me stay off…'
'She will,' smirked Steph, 'Just pretend we have a study day, or something.'
And so the plan began…