And the cookies go to
And the cookies go to... XxXFairyQueenXxX, Angel Of Darkness513, naria-satome and jcoqqinsa. Yes, it was Friends. Hope that you enjoy them! This one also has got a crossover, but within the DCAU. Anyway, here we go…R&R
SIX THINGS THAT NEVER HAPPENED TO THE JUSTICE LEAGUE: VILLAIN SPECIAL
How many people do get the chance to take part in a hostage situation? Every tenth, every seventh, one in a hundred? Yeah, right…
Twenty-seven. The number of times I've been taken hostage, whether individually or in group. Going to the bank, the supermarket, to work or even taking a little jog in the park. All those routine activities have been interrupted over and over again by different maniacs. Lex Luthor trying to kill Superman, the Joker planting bombs in the city, Gorilla Grodd turning people into monkeys, Luthor again and some weirdo blue-haired chick demanding the cease of World War I. Yeah, I know.
Anyway, it really affects you after a while. I made my therapist a rich man but everytime I went outside and got caught in the middle of somebody's plans all those sessions were flushed down the toilet. I swear, it took me hours to convince myself just to go out to the balcony.
Anyway, those days of fear are over now. I have figured out how to stop those villains from terrorizing people anymore. It's so simple I am surprised nobody figured it out yet. If I kill the Justice League then all the bad guys will quit – isn't that obvious?
I will have to apologize to you all for taking you hostage now. I understand better than anybody how traumatic this experience can be. So I am sorry. But you see, if my plan works than this will be the only time this happens to you…. Although if I don't succeed this time I'll have to try over and over again… But the end justifies the means, eh?
"Good morning, mister Luthor" – said the young woman, a psychiatrist assigned to the villain, as she walked into the room. An annoyed grunt was the only response she got. "Today I would like to go further back, to your childhood. Would you mind telling me about your father?" An glare was the only response she got. The woman sighed. This would be a long, painful session. "Very well, let's talk about something else. I am very interested to know – at what age did you start losing your hair?" Lex Luthor tensed at this, very noticeably, and the psychiatrist decided she had hit a nerve. The man actually replied, although in an annoyed manner: "Early" – "Oh, I see. It must have been very difficult to cope with, wasn't it?"- "Well, yes…" The psychiatrist did a victory dance, in her mind, that was.
A FEW HOURS LATER: "It… was just not fair, you know? He has this…great hairdo. And so does everyone else, I mean, do you know any bald superheroes? NO! And his hair, Superman's hair is just… great…" – Luthor had been sobbing non-stop ever since he had admitted his desire for hair. Literally. The woman, triumphant and proud, said carefully: "But there are ways…Transplants or fake hair…" The man looked up to her in shock: "It's never occurred to me before" - "That's natural. Sometimes people associate themselves with something so much they can't even conceive the idea of changing it." Luthor jumped up and started to shake her hand enthusiastically.
A FEW MONTHS LATER: "You know, Lois, it truly seems that Luthor has given up crime." – commented Clark Kent while watching a now red-haired ex-villain smiling widely at the TV camera. "Yeah, who would have thought all you had to do to reform him was give him a bunch of fake hair…"
"The fight was in full heat. Every single member of the Justice League were engaged in battle with their foes – Superman and Livewire, Wonder Woman and Circe, Flash and Captain Cold, and so on… Which left me, The Great Menace, alone. Hi, I'm The Great Menace, by the way. I have really cool superpowers – turn people into all kinds of inanimate objects. Well, allright, they only stay like that for three minutes, so what? It's still really cool. How I got there? Well, this is how it happened…
Anyway, so I was just finished sewing my supervillain costume (and no, it looks nothing like a Green Lantern costume, 'cept for the green and black combination) when I saw this group of my collegues attacking this museum. So of course I put my suit on and jump out off the window to lend a helping hand. Well, fine, I tell mom I'm taking a walk in the park and go out the front door.
By the time I caught up with the guys (hey, I can't fly…so I drove…my bike…fine, my sister's bike) the battle was in full heat. And all the Leaguers were busy. So I waited. And then Captain Cold was out cold (heh…get it?) and I took my chance. I tried to turn Flash into a lamp. But, you see, since he runs, like, fast, I missed and hit Circe instead. And Wonder Woman didn't even turned to face me, she yelled something about a back-fired spell and tied the lamp with her lasso. So I take my chances and aim at her, when the princess has her back to me, but she scratches the back of her head and my, well, I really don't have a name for it yet, so my energy-thingy bounces of her bracelet-thingie and hits Livewire. And nobody notices since she is already down and out.
Also, by that time all my other colleagues were down so the League are congratulating each other then suddenly that dumb Superman notices me and flies down and says (ugh!): "Hey, there kid. This is a dangerous place for cosplaying Green Lantern!" So of course I turn him. Into a condom. Come on, you know it was great. It even had that big "S" stamped on it."
Superman shook his head in a tired, but still dignified fashion: "I wish all villains were like this guy" Flash, who had been avoiding his gaze all day since the incident accidentally looked at him, and burst out laughing again, infecting the other Leaguers who joined in. "Oh, come on, it was not funny!"
"So…this is a pie" – "Yep." –"That you found floating in space around the Watchtower" – "Yep" – "And you want to eat it!?" The Flash just shrugged, while Green Lantern slapped his forehead. "Look, kid, pies don't just float around in space – there's gotta be something wrong with it" The younger man reluctanly agreed, so they headed over to the Watchtower laboratory, where they handed the pie over to J'onn.
An hour later, the martian walked out of the laboratory, puzzled. "It seems to be a regular pie, but it's not" – "What do you mean?" – "Well, it shrieked then I tried to desintigrate it into particles" – "Oh…" – "Hang on, it SHRIEKED?"
The three heroes stood, looking suspiciously at the pie, that lay innocently on the kitchen table. "Maybe we should cut it…" – "You still want to eat it, kid?" – "No, I mean, just…" – "That might help uncover the secret of this pie. But what if by cutting it we unleash some evil force?" – "Evil force? In a pie? Yeah, right, J'onn" With that it was settled. A knife was brought in from the kitchen and with the precision of a surgeon J'onn cut a slice of the pie.
A weird, though sweet-looking, old lady appeared at the moment. She had a big nose, was dressed in pink and had a wooden spoon in her hand. "Hello! Thank you so very much for freeing me from the pie those nasty children put me in!" – "Ehrm…You're welcome" – "Who are you?" – "I am Mother Mae-Eye, of course! Now, if you could just take me to Jump City, please" – "Would you excuse us for a minute, please?" With that, John led his friends outside the room and whispered: "I don't like this lady. She seems way…too sweet" Flash nodded and then his face lit up with an idea: "I know! The Titans are from Jump City, right? So maybe I can ask them…"
The superhero ran to another room, where the communicators were located. A short while later, a loud group shriek was heard, followed by frantic babbling. The Flash then ran by the other two into the room. After a few moments of loud noise he ran back holding the pie, opened an airlock and threw it out. "What?" – "Trust me, you don't wanna know…"
As the pie floated through the endless darkness, a small alien ship approached it and picked it up. The witch inside was still not defeated…
"Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here today to celebrate the union of two souls…" – the priest eyed the gun, that was pointed at him by a henchman, and continued to read from the sheet of paper he'd been given. "…that have been destined to be together…" – this time he eyed the white-clad bride who looked very happy and the tied and gagged groom who appeared terrified, but continued still: "…and there is no greater joy than to watch as two become one, joined with their love…" The bride, a beautiful woman, was nodding and smiling with teary eyes, while the groom struggled to get free from the bonds. "…as they share a unique bond that'll…" – the groom got one hand free, but one of the henchmen hit him and and re-tied it. "…last for all of eternity…" – some noise was heard outside, the bride turned for a minute, waved her hand, while murmuring a spell and two pigs, one in a black cape and cowl with pointy ears and another a greenish one, that immediately turned back into the Martian Manhunter. Circe (for she was the bride) glared at the priest and told him sternly: "Go on and don't stop!" He nodded frantically and proceeded according to the sheet of paper: "Do you, glamorous and handsome movie… star?" He paused and the groom shook his head, as if saying "kind-of". "Take Circe, the powerful, beautiful and most amazing Greek woman ever as your wife?" The groom frantically shook his head, meaning "no", but the henchman with the gun pointed it towads the groom, who changed his shaking to yes. "Do you, Circe, the poweful beautiful and most amazing woman ever, take this man as your husband?" From somewhere far away, a strangled voice called out: "I…d-do..Gerroof me, you green bastard!" "So, by the power invested in me I now pronounce youUUUU" – the yell was due to the fact that the bat-pig ran into him, with all the speed and strength that a pig could muster. Which was a lot. The groom breathed in relief.
The assembled core members of the Justice League stared at the pig in the cape. The pig glared back. Diana smirked evilly. The pig intensified the glare. "So… what are we gonna do now?" Diana cleared her throat and started: "Am I Blue…."
As the phone rang, Harley picked it up. Not many had this number, to be more precise only one person could be calling the safehouse. "Hey, Red!" – "Did you hear the news? Did you hear what those bastards at LexCorp are planning? Did you?" – "Naah, what happened?" – "They want to kill a rainforest! All those poor, innocent plants…. I won't allow this! Harley! Are you coming with me?" The blonde paused for a moment and then happily replied: "Nope. Sorry, Red" Poison Ivy felt outraged and venomously inquired: "And just why is that, Harley?" The other woman, with even more happiness in her voice, answered: "Because today is the romantic films marathon! I won't miss that! I got my ice-cream and chocolates, my Cleanex and my pajamas all set and ready! You wanna come?" The red-headed villainess asked rhethorically, while an internal battle took place: "That…that's today?" She tried hard to think of rainforests, of poor, innocent plants, but all that she could picture was a big box of candy. And a movie to go with it. The woman in her overcame the plant and she replied quickly: "Sure, be right there…", as she made a promise to work double-hard the next day. But for now….