A/N: So much for this being a oneshot then? I think it will have about 3 more chapters. But who knows? We'll see. Huge thanks to everyone who reviewed chapter one, it meant alot to get such a positive reponse :)

Huge hugs to Meg - i can't thank you enough for your help. And hugs to Twinkeyrocks, just cause i wub her, and miss her.

"I look around me, and I want you to be there

Cause I miss the things we shared.

I look around you, it's empty and you're sad.

Because you miss the love we had.

You used to talk to me like; I was the only one around,

The only one around…

We used to have this figured out,

We used to breathe without a doubt.

When nights were clear, you were the first star that I'd see.

We used to have this under control.

We never thought – we used to know.

Can we get this back, can we get this back?

To how it used to be"

Chris Daughtry – Used To.

--

--

I click the "cancel" button on my phone for the 3rd time this morning. I'm on "vacation" – to deal with things. The last thing I should be doing is calling the place I've run from.

I just didn't expect it to be this hard. I mean, I'm fully aware I wasn't dealing back in New York – but I mean, I ain't doing any better here.

In fact, I think I'm actually driving Louie crazy. But, I'm about a million percent positive he wouldn't say anything. He just wouldn't.

After he got out of the hospital, he just disappeared, had no idea where he had gone. Neither did Mommy or Pop – but I had other things on my mind, and therefore pushed Louie to the back of it.

Until he called me 3 weeks ago to see how I was, and wanted to know whether I had any vacation time free to come and see him.

I jumped at the chance.

He had made a new life for himself. Cut himself off from the gang circuit. Got a new job in construction, married the girlfriend he had for a year and a half, and now has a kid on the way.

It's like we had switched places in a way. I was proud of him. And he was of me. Until I told him about Lindsay, and what I did.

Lindsay.

I wonder whether Mac gave her the letter – and what she thought of it? Whether she thought that it was just some bullshit excuse, and doesn't want anything more to do with me.

I mean, I wouldn't blame her. It'd hurt – it'd kill me – but I wouldn't for one-second blame her.

But what I wouldn't give to get us back to how we used to be. Just for one day, to forget – so that I could tell her all the things I should have told her, instead of putting it off, telling myself I had plenty of time to tell her how I felt.

I think talking to Louie was exactly what I needed, just spending time with him, makes me – well, makes me want to be who I was before.

He changed – that means I can as well – I know where I'm aiming for, he didn't – he took a wild guess, leaped and went with his instincts, and he ended up with a wife and a kid – two people he would lay down and die for, and two people he would kill for.

As soon as I told him what had happened with Rikki and everything, he did two things. First was whack me over the back of my head, like he used to when we were kids, and the second was he'd asked me what I had done to fix it?

And all I could do was sit and stare at him. I had done nothing. Sure I had called her, asked if we could talk. But didn't take the leap that he had done. I didn't put myself out there, like I should have done.

Then, after I had said nothing, he sighed and patted me on the back, saying I had a way to go, before I finally reached the other side.

He was the one that drove me to Rikki's. Booked the day off work, filled the tank up, and loaded me into the car.

It wasn't until we pulled up in front of a house and he killed the engine, that I asked what we were doing. He told me he had been snooping through my phone, and saw the text message from Rikki, telling me her new address. He figured that to be able to let this whole ordeal go – I needed to talk to her – get it out of my system.

For a split second, I wanted to kick his ass for going through my stuff, but after thinking about it, he was just helping me to heal, which is why I had left New York in the first place.

He looked at me, then looked at his watch and mumbled, "Haven't got all day- this side of the century would be real nice, D"

I flicked him, childish, I know – but it was the only thing I could think of doing in that moment, before I got out of the car.

I wasn't sure what I was going to say – and was hoping that it'd all fall into place once she opened the door.

I stood for what seemed like hours with my hand hovering over the doorbell. I just couldn't press it. If I pressed it, she'd come to the door, and if she came to the door, I'd have to talk to her. And that – that was something that scared me. I would have to deal with this – whatever this was. Sordid affair? Comfort? Mistake? Wrong? Bad?

Then, he went and beeped the damn horn, scaring me to death, and making me push the doorbell. I turned to see him screech out of sight, figuring he would either pull up further down the road, or just do laps of the neighbourhood.

I could hear her, and I glanced down the path, thinking I would be able to make it out of sight, before she answered, but then I felt like actually kicking myself. I needed to do this – not for Lindsay – not for the team – not for the job – or the city,

For me.

"Danny?"

"Um, I – we-"

"Come in?"

Glancing down the street, I take a deep breath as I step across her threshold – hoping to god that when I crossed it later on, when I was going out – I would be a different man.

I smile at her kind offer of a drink or something to eat but refuse. I don't want to draw this process out any longer than I need to.

"I know why you're here," she said simply, nodding towards the couch as she took a seat in a chair.

"Good, cause I don't" I sigh as I sit, nervously perched on the edge of the couch.

"Sit back, you're gonna fall off"

"Look," I sigh, sitting back "I need to know – I need to know- I-" I shake my head, I don't even know what I need to know…

"Ruben's death wasn't your fault." She said simply, like as if she could read my mind.

I take a minute to look at her, and although we were two strangers, it became clear that we would probably be forever bounded by the guilt and devastation Ruben's death brought about.

"How is Lindsay?"

I narrow my eyes "How do you know about her?"

"Ruben mentioned meeting her a few times, just briefly – he was going, she was coming, you know how excited he got. Passed in the hallway the first time, I think. And, I saw pictures." She hesitated for a minute "I wish I could have apologised, I feel-"

"It isn't your fault, you weren't the one with the girlfriend, Rikki. This is all my fault, just one huge mess. I'm a Messer – it's in my name to mess things up."

"Ruben's death isn't your fault. You didn't pull that trigger Danny. No matter how many nights you lose sleep over it, or no matter how many times you ask yourself "What if" – it wont bring him back. We have to learn to live, and remember – remember his memory – something I feel-"

"We overlooked" I finished "we didn't –" I struggle for something to say to expand on what I mean

"Don't worry, I know what you mean" she smiled. "I don't know what you came for today Danny, but I hope whatever it was, you've got it."

I let out a deep breath and feel the tension and the stress slowly leave me. "I think I did," I say as I get up. "Something – something"

"Something clicked?" Rikki offered.

"Yeah," I smiled "something clicked."

I stand at her front door for a second, and not sure of how to say goodbye. I don't want to hug her – not that it'd bring back memories or feelings, there was just something that was telling me that it was, inappropriate, maybe?

"Well" she smiled as she held out her hand "I wish you all the luck in the world, Danny."

I take it, and shake it warmly. "Thank you, you too Rikki."

I open the door and glance up at the threshold. I take a deep breath, and walked forward – not once looking back.

I open the gate, and turn to shut it. She's stood, leaning against the door hand in the air, waving. "Good luck with Lindsay, Danny."

I smile and wave as Louie pulls up.

I slam the car door shut on that chapter of my life, leaving the angst, pain and suffering at the garden gate.

I sighed as I reclined the chair, and rested my knees on the dashboard.

"Welcome back, Danny Messer" Louie grins.

Now, I've closed that chapter of my life, I need to start on reworking the previous ones, get thing back to how they used to be…