Out of the Cage
LJ and Kenros find out that the crystal is inside a Stinkfly campground. They need to get it back as quickly as possible.
Chapter 6: Fly Swatter
"Dude, what the hell is that smell?!" yelled LJ.
I groaned. "It's a bunch of Lepidopterrans, what else?"
"Don't you mean Stinkflies?"
I grunted, trying not to correct LJ.
"Yes…yes, they're Stinkflies. "
Two black Lepidopterrans were patrolling alongside the river, holding MP5s.
"All right, let's get 'em!"
"Wait LJ!" I said, snatching him back down.
"They have wings you idiot. As soon as we fire, they're gonna fly away and warn whoever they're captain is."
LJ sighed and stared at me. "I got an idea."
LJ put his hands behind his back and said, "Grab my hands."
"Wait, what? HEY!!"
Before I even knew what was happening, I was leading LJ right into the sights of the Lepidopterrans.
"Well lookie here! Looks like one of you Loboans captured us a human!" said one of them.
"Uh, that's right! Caught a spy trying to get our blueprints!"
"Is that so? Bring him over here so we can shoot him."
Not even a millisecond later, LJ shot both Lepidopterrans in the chest, killing them.
"Wow, you actually thought up something smart for once."
"Shut up."
A Lepidopterran came from behind a tree and yelled, "CRAP!!" and began to fly away.
"He's getting away!" I yelled.
"No he's not. Hand me that Durangov…"
LJ grabbed the Durangov sniper and looked through the periscope, aiming right for the fleeing Lepidopterran. He waited a few seconds, getting the feel of the rifle, then he fired. The bug went down like a fly getting swatted out of the sky. Even worse, he landed in the river and soon began to drown.
"Nice shot. I know he's not getting' back up."
Not too long later, we arrived at the Lepidopterran campsite, quietly creeping on our torsos and watching their patrol movements.
"This is gonna be tough. If any of those Stinkflys realize we're here, they can easily alert their captain and we're screwed." said LJ.
"So? All we gotta do is take 'em by surprise."
"Kinda hard to do when it's this sunny out don't you think?"
"Okay Einstein, what do you suggest we do?" I asked.
LJ thought for a moment and suddenly got an idea.
"You know of portable sprinklers they started selling at Wal-Mart?"
"…"
"…Anyway I bought one and--"
"Why the hell do you have a portable water sprinkler?
"It was on sale!"
"So if someone sold you a raccoon with worms and rabies and said it was for sale, you'd buy it?"
"Dude, I love raccoons."
I sat there and stared at him stupidly.
"Humans are stupid."
LJ threw the portable water sprinkler, letting it roll in the grass towards the middle of the crowd. One of the Stinkflys noticed it and looked down at it in confusion.
"Hey guys? Isn't this one of those portable--?"
Everyone began to scream as the sprinkler set off, spraying strong mists of water all over them. Some of them shook themselves dry while others began to shoot at the device until it stopped spraying water.
"WHO THREW THAT?! Don't you idiots understand we can't fly if we get our wings wet?!" yelled the leader of the group.
"…You serious dude?" One of the Lepidopterrans tried to fly, straining himself by furiously trying to flap his wings.
He groaned and said, "Nope. It doesn't work."
"Everyone be on your guard. We've got ourselves an intruder." said the leader.
"Gotcha."
"LJ, go hide in that tent over there and start taking out the Lepidopterrans." I said.
"The what?"
"The Stinkflies."
"Oh, yeah. I knew that."
LJ slowly walked over to a brown tent and cut open the back end. I clawed my way up a tree and took aim with my G36, looking directly at the squad leader.
"Man…it's gonna take forever to get dry again!" said a Lepidopterran.
"Or you could just shake yourself dry like I did."
One of them turned around when he heard a muffled shout and groan.
"…What was that?" asked the leader, before I shot him right through the back of the head.
LJ came out of the tent, holding an M4 Carbine and a blue FN P90.
"ENEMY!!" yelled a Lepidopterran.
And that was the cue for all the shooting and turmoil to begin. I shot two more Lepidopterrans in the chest twice and quickly jumped to another tree.
"THERE! HE'S UP IN THE--UHH!!" Before he could finish, the Lepidopterran was riddled with bullets to the back. Gotta admit though, LJ looks badass wielding two machine guns at the same time.
"WE NEED BACKUP!!" yelled another one.
LJ shot three more Lepidopterrans in half a second with the FN P90 alone and gunned down another four with his M4 Carbine. I continued to shoot them with my G36, gunning either for the chest or head. It was kind of getting tedious shoot jump, shoot jump, shoot jump, shoot…and jump.
"How many of you are there?!" I yelled.
"Damnit! Dry off you stupid wings!!" said a soaked Lepidopterran, who was shot seven times in the face by me and LJ.
"YEAH! You can't stop us you stinky insects!"
Finally. Only two more left.
"HOLD STILL! I'm gonna double tap you in the nose…" I muttered.
Which is what I did. I waited until both insects looked at me, ready to shoot their AK-74s and then I shot 'em both in the nose twice.
"PHEW!! That was intense! You all right LJ?"
"Yeah, I'm good. Lost a couple hair clippings but I'm fine."
"Good. All we gotta do now is find that crystal."
"Well that Geiger counter is starting to go crazy, so it should be close by."
"Great! As long as we don't--"
Something shot green slime at me from the sky. I narrowly dodged it and it hit the tree bark. I sniffed the air and got another whiff of more Lepidopterrans.
"LJ?"
"What?"
LJ screamed when one of the Lepidopterrans spat nasty green slime right on his face. I had to stifle a laugh and remember that we're still in danger before taking aim at the Lepidopterrans in the sky. LJ was struggling to get the slime off and dropped his guns, tearing away at his face. One of them threw a barrage of knives at me.
"HEY! What the hell--OWW!!" He hit me in the arm!
"Come down here and fight me like a man!!"
"Okay."
I coughed out a grunt when a Lepidopterran slammed right into me. I must be getting too old; I should've sensed that and shot him. He was just too fast for me. And now he's on top of me, slowly shoving a blade near my wounded eye…again.
"WHAT IS IT WITH YOU PEOPLE AND MY EYE!!" I yelled.
I kicked the Lepidopterran off me and we started fighting over the knife. It wasn't one of those fist-fights you see in movies. It was one of those Steven Seagal Get-the-Knife-Before-he-Kills-You-Kung-Fu fights. I took out my own knife and we started slicing our blades back and forth at each other.
"C'mon, let's see what you got!" said the Lepidopterran.
He yelped when I lightly jabbed my knife at his chest, toying with him. Then it became more violent…for him. A couple seconds later I ripped part of his left wing and he shouted, "HEY!!"
Then we started jabbing our knives against the others again, until I sliced my blade in an upward movement on his chest. He shouted and I kicked him twice in face.
"Get up pussy! GET UP!!"
Oh crap! He's got a gun! I quickly twisted the arm which held the gun and pointed it up, shooting the other Lepidopterrans out the sky.
"CHEATER!! YOU CHEATED IN A KNIFE FIGHT!! CHEATER!!" I shouted in his ear, still shooting the flies out the sky.
"Shut up! This is not cheating! OWWW!!" I twisted his arm harder.
"Cheater-cheater bo-beater, banana-fanna fo-feter, fe-fi fo-feater--CHEATER!!" I sputtered quickly.
"SHUT UP!! SHUT THE HELL UP!!"
"………Cheater."
"AAAARGHGHG!!"
He threw the gun down and took out his knife again, slitting my hand. He tried to stab me in the head, but I grabbed his hand and he grabbed mine. It was like arm-wrestling; only the loser would go home in a body bag instead of with a broken wrist.
"LJ! Little help here?!" I yelled.
But he was still on the ground, struggling to get the goop off his face. The blade was continuing towards my eye…again, ready to go through the pupil and into my skull.
"Fuck it! My eye's messed up already!" I shouted.
I quickly jerked my head sideways and let the blade scratch my eye. In doing so, I managed to get the Lepidopterrans knife with my teeth, spitting it to the ground.
"That knife just cost you your life." I said.
I grabbed all four of his eyes with both of my hands and squeezed so hard they all popped and made a disgusting squishy sound. H screamed in agony, but I guess I would too if someone crushed my eyes and green stuff came out. I stabbed in the chest and grabbed LJ's M4 Carbine, shooting him in the forehead. LJ was still struggling to get the slime off his face. I sighed.
"Hold still, let me get it off."
I grabbed the slime and violently ripped it off his face. LJ screamed, noticing his eyebrows were taken with it.
"You okay?"
"I have no freakin' eyebrows! What do you think?!"
"So you're fine then. Let's keep going."
"Go where? The Geiger counter's been destroyed in the fight, and we've killed every Stinkfly here."
"Not all of them. That guy over there is still alive." I said, pointing to a bleeding yellow Lepidopterran on the ground. We slowly walked over to him.
"All right, you know how this works: We ask you a question and you tell us--"
The Lepidopterran spat green slime towards LJ again and he got so angry he threw a wrench at him.
I sighed exasperatedly. "Why'd you do that?"
"I am not getting that stuff on my face again!"
"Yeah, but now you gotta carry him until he can speak again."
"Yeah…I gotta--what?"
"You heard me."
"Fine, just as long as I don't have to--OH MY GOD!"
"What?"
"His breath stinks!"
"So does mine and you can tolerate me!"
"You don't spit disgusting slime out of your mouth, that's the difference!"
He started retching violently and I'm pretty sure some spittle came out of his mouth.
"I'm gonna freakin' puke man…"
"Humans. Why is it every time your species find something disgusting you gotta throw up?"
"This is coming from an animal that sniffs his own ass?"
"I only did that once!"
I sighed and said, "Fine, I'll carry him."