No Happy Ending or Maybe So

Ch. 17- The Struggle to Keep on Going

It was the next morning in Tree Hill. Peyton woke to feel an elbow in her side. She smiled as she looked down at her sleeping daughter. She had been plesantly surprised that Julie had slept so still through tonight. For Julie being able to sleep without kicking someone was a chore, but Peyton didn't mind.

She was actually feeling much better which was also a surprised. To be honest she hadn't felt good since the accident. Everything had changed that faithful day, and things continued to change. She looked over to the couch where Lucas was supposed to be, but he was gone. She was surprised. He had promised Julie he would spend the night.

Julie finally began to move, and she opened her eyes to see her mom staring down at her. "Mommy," she said happily.

"Hey pretty girl I love you," Peyton told her daughter as she gave her a kiss.

"I love you too mommy," Julie sat up looking for Lucas. "Where's Uncle Lucas?" Julie said in a somewhat sad voice as she tried to find the man she had spent the day with.

"I think he had to go to work honey, and he didn't want to wake us," she lied. She didn't know where Lucas was or if he was going to come back.

She then looked up as she saw the door fling open. "Hey," Haley said in her happy voice. "What are you doing here Julie?" Haley wondered.

"She missed her mommy last night," Peyton told her. She then saw Nathan, Jamie, and Brody come in with flowers and get well soon balloons. "Brody"

"Mommy," Brody said as Nathan put him down. The little boy ran to his mama. "I missed you," he told her climbing up on her bed and giving her a great big hug.

"I missed you too," Peyton hugged him as tightly as she could.

"Where's Lucas?" Nathan asked curiously.

Peyton shrugged, "I'm not sure." She then looked at Julie and realized that she had just lied to her.

"He supposed to be working," Julie told all of them.

"Oh right," Haley said. "Nate you should go help him work. I can take care of Jamie and Peyton," she smiled.

"Alright," Nathan knew that Haley wanted him to make sure Lucas was okay. "I'll see you guys later." He walked out of the room.

Haley walked over to Peyton's bed. "I hope you don't mind that we came instead of Brooke. She said that she and Ethan were going to be a little late. If you know what I mean," Haley smiled.

"Good for Brooke," Peyton said. She was happy that Brooke finally had time for her husband. She felt bad for taking that time from them.

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Lucas was sitting in the center of the river court. Over the years he had always gone there to do his best thinking. He had been there ever since he left the hospital. He didn't know where else to go.

"I knew I would find you here," Nathan said as he walked towards his brother.

"I needed to think," Lucas told him still not looking up.

Nathan took a seat next to his brother. He could tell he was in desperate need of a good conversation. "What's on your mind big brother?"

Lucas shook his head trying to describe in words what was on his mind, "I can't do this."

"Do what?" Nathan asked.

He smirked, "I don't think that I can get close to Julie. I'm not her father."

"Yes you are."

"She'll never think of me that way Nate. I will always be Uncle Lucas to her. Peyton took that away from me, and I don't think there is anyway to get it back," Lucas was hurting more than he thought possible.

"I thought you were ready to embrace fatherhood," Nathan said.

"I was until I actually did. Yesterday with Julie was extremely hard. She loves Julian. All she does is talk about him, and she should talk about me that way, but she never will," Lucas admitted.

"Why haven't you told Peyton how you feel?"

Lucas looked up at his brother, "I can't lay all of this on her. To be honest with you if the circumstances were different I would probably not even be talking to her, but after all she's been through I decided that she didn't deserve my hatred."

"You are a better man than me," Nathan said. Lucas gave him a look, "I'm telling you man I would have probably let her have it for lying to me for four years. You will never get those years back with Julie and that sucks, but you have now and the future. I don't know how you feel, but I think things will get easier."

"I just don't know man. It is so hard to hear her talk about Julian and how he was her hero. Damn Nate I was supposed to be her hero."

Nathan put his hand on Lucas' shoulder, "Maybe you should talk to Peyton."

"I can't talk to her. She has got enough to deal with," Lucas said. No matter how mad he was he still worried about her.

"This is something she should be dealing with. She lied Luke so talk to her. Tell her how you are feeling, and that it may take you longer than you thought to get use to the idea of having a daughter although you love Julie and you are going to be there for her," Nathan told his brother.

"You're right Nathan. I'll talk to her," Lucas told him. He wasn't sure if he wanted to, but he knew he had too.

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Later that night Lucas found himself standing outside of Brooke's house. He had heard Peyton got released from the hospital. He knew that they had to talk about how he was feeling. After waiting for fifteen minutes he finally rang the doorbell. Peyton answered. He was surprised he assumed Brooke was keeping her tied to the bed.

"Hey Luke come in," she said opening the door wider. "What are you doing here?"

"Where's Brooke?"

"Um she took the kids to get ice cream, but I wasn't allowed to go," Peyton laughed.

"Right, you shouldn't be out right now," Lucas said as she walked back to the couch.

"You sound like Brooke. I'm taking care of myself and my baby I promise. You can sit if you want," Peyton said pointing to the couch. He shook his head no though. "Okay um we missed you this morning."

"Yeah, I had some stuff to think about," Lucas told her. He was pacing back and forth.

"Is something wrong?"

"No well actually yes something is wrong," he informed her. He was still looking down at the floor. "I'm having a really hard time being Julie's father."

"Huh?" she was confused.

"I love that little girl. She reminds me so much of you, but she talks about Julian and how much she loves him, and it hurts so bad Peyton."

"I'm sorry Lucas," Peyton said. She really was sorry for taking those years away from him.

"Yeah but sorry doesn't change what you did. I haven't said anything because I know you are hurting, but I need you to know that I'm struggling," he sat down beside her. "I want to be a good father, but every second I spend with her is a constant reminder of how much of her life I've already missed."

"I know Luke, and I wish that I could turn back time but I can't. Julie loves you already. You are all she talked about all day. For the first time in the past couple of days her mind wasn't on Julian, but on you. I know once she spends more time with you she is going to fall head over heals for you Luke. You can't get the past four years back, but you get the rest of her life, and I will never take that away from you." She put her hand on his, "I really am sorry."

"I know," Lucas said. He looked into her eyes. He still felt the passion for her that he had all those years ago. He wanted so badly to hate her for what she had done to him, but he could never hate her. It was going to take him sometime to fully except what she had done, but he wasn't going to let his insecurities, doubts, and jealousy get in the way of his relationship with Julie.

"One step at a time, that is what I keep telling myself," Peyton confided in him. "I know that if Julian was still here, and you found out the truth you would probably have punched him and yelled at me way more than you did. So thank you for handling me with care and caution because I know after what I did to you I don't deserve your kindness."

"We both made mistakes Peyt. I've been dealing with mine for five years so I'm seasoned pro, but you just had to start dealing with yours but it'll get easier. That is what everyone keeps telling me," he smiled at her. He had all intentions of yelling at her when he had first stopped by, but he couldn't. It wasn't in him to call her nasty names and blame her for everything. He had mistakes too, and they would both have to deal with the decisions they had made.

He smiled at her when he realized that he was still holding her hand. Brooke and the kids walked in to see them together. Brooke was a little surprised. "Uncle Lucas," Julie squealed. "I missed you this morning," she ran and jumped in his lap. He released Peyton's hand finally. Brooke gave them both a look, and Peyton knew they would talk about it later.

Hearing Julie say that she missed him was a start, "I missed you too sweet girl."

"Can you stay and play with me for a little while?" she asked with a big smile on her face no one could resist.

"Julie it is kind of late," Peyton interrupted.

Lucas looked at the clock, "She's right Julie maybe another time."

"Please," Julie begged. Lucas looked over at Peyton and she nodded giving him permission.

"Okay just for a little bit."

"Yay, come on Uncle Lucas you have to see my room. Aunt Brooke is good."

Brooke smiled as she watched Lucas and the kids go to the bedroom she had decorated just for them. "So," Brooke looked at Peyton.

"One step at a time," she told Brooke. Peyton was glad she and Lucas talked. In away she was relieved to know that it was hard for him because that meant that he did miss those years he could have had with his daughter. She always knew Lucas was going to be a great father, and she was happy that the truth was finally out.

Lucas spent an hour playing with his daughter and her brother. It was hard when she spoke of Julian but knowing that he had the rest of her life to be her father made things better. He was going to do everything he could to be a good father. Julian had done a good job with his family, but it was now time for Lucas to be that man in their lives, and he wasn't going to give up that chance to prove he was the man for them.

Okay so there is yet another chapter. I'm sorry it is taking me so long to update lately. I thought once I was back home for the holidays I would get to update every day but I have been extremely busy. I promise that I'm going to try to be a better updater though. Please let me know what you thought. I'm trying to show that it is hard for Lucas, but he is still that caring guy that doesn't want to upset or hurt anyone so he keeps his anger bottled in because he thinks it is what is best for everyone else.

Thanks for the reviews for the last chapter you guys are awesome and like always I love to know what you are thinking.