Sorry it took so long for an update, but to be honest I wasn't sure if I was going to. I knew I wanted to add at least a scene where Natalie went to the mausoleum to talk 'with' Ben, but nothing was coming to me, until I went to see Indina Menzel in concert and got pass the writer's block for this chapter and, hopefully, beyond. . .

You'd Be Surprised

You'd be surprised at all that I've become.
You'd be surprised, I've changed while you've been gone,
And I learned so much more from you than I could ever say.
If you were here, I think that you'd stay...

Natalie pushed open the door to the crypt and entered, still feeling weighed down by the expectations of her family. Slowly she pulled the door partially closed behind her to ward off as much of the night's cold air as she could, but unconsciously in need for an open door behind her.

Inhaling the stale air, she moved slowly across the mausoleum, her eyes unconsciously reading over the names on the various plagues lining the walls; a shiver rolling along her spine at the realization of how close her own name had come to being added to the wall. Her own body to the others entombed here.

Shaking her head, she came to a stop in front of Ben's resting place. Slowly she extended her hand and touched his name, tracing the letters gingerly. "Why was it that when you were here I just couldn't see how much you meant to me? That when everyone around me would turn away you wouldn't? That you were the only one who'd stand by me? Stay by my side no matter what stupid stunt I had pulled. How angry I made Mom. How much I hurt Jess or the others. . ." pausing she swallowed to try to stop the tears and get a hold of herself. "I'd like to think you'd be proud of me.

Maybe even surprised by how much I've changed. . ."

You'd be surprised how far these arms can reach.
You'd be surprised there's a promise I can keep.
Would you believe that I seldom fall to pieces anymore?
If you were here, you'd like what you saw.

You'd be surprised my life is often sweet.
You'd be surprised it's you who brings me peace...
And for some unearthly reason it takes losing you to see,
If you were here, I'd know just what you'd need.

"You know, I'm wrong. . . I know you'd be proud of me. . . How much I've changed. . ." she said quietly as she swiped at falling tears. "I know what family is now. . . of course I'm still not totally a member of this one, but I realized tonight that that really isn't my fault.

I've accepted that.

Hell, I've even accepted that Clint will never completely accept me. . . not the way you did. Uncle Bo tries to. . .

I love them.

I try to show them. Protect them, but so often it backfires. . ." she admitted as she lowered herself to the cold concrete floor and pulled her legs up to her chest, wrapping her arms tightly around them. "That's how we lost BE. I thought I was doing what was right. . . I screwed that up royally.

Just like when I went along with Jessie's plan to break Allison out of St. Anne's. . ." Natalie admitted as she leaned her head against her knees. "That I know you wouldn't approve of.

That I let you down by going along with her plan. . . but I promised that I'd protect Jess. . . be there for her. . . Twins. . . Best friends. . . Always got each other's back. . . only it was usually just one sided. . . She's the reason I was with Jared. . . well, not the only one. . ." she admitted with a slight laugh: "but if she hadn't of done the things she had I never would have met him. . . and even as furious as I am with John right now, I know that if I didn't have Jared to run to I wouldn't have kept that promise of the last time with John being just that. . .I would've called him on his asinine plan to take down Ramsey, insinuated myself into it, and gotten him to love me again. . .I wouldn't be falling to pieces right now. . .

It takes a lot for me to.
Even more than it used to.

I'm the strong one, right?" she sighed, as her gaze drifted back to the plaque with his name: "I'd be stronger if you were here, though.
You wouldn't let me fall apart right now.
I'd know that I needed to do the right thing, and you wouldn't impose on me what that was. You wouldn't need 'd just listen and then give me advice. . . You were good at that.
You understood me like no one else did.
I never told you that, did I?
Or how much I needed that? You?

I know you knew. Somehow I know that. Or at least I tell myself that you didn't need me to say the words. You just needed me to become a better me. A better person. The girl you saw behind the wall I put up.
I don't think I ever even got to tell you that I loved you, did I?" she wondered as she put her head down on her knees: "Back then the words weren't easy for me to say.
I should've said them anyway. You wouldn't have thrown them back in my face or made me feel like you saying them in return was an act of. . . of retropracity. . ."

You'd be surprised I've loved you all along.
You'd be surprised I now confess when I am wrong,
And I see the world around me in a slightly softer shade.
If you were here, you wouldn't walk away......

You'd be surprised if you were here...
We'd make time for all that's disappeared.
And I would hold you like I never could.
You'd be surprised if you were here...
We'd make it right; there'd be no tears,
And you'd confide in me and I'd be there.
I'd be there

"I know, surprising, Natalie Balsom admitting she's wrong.
But I'm not that girl anymore, Ben.
In fact I don't think you'd recognize the girl I am today. . .I look the same, but at heart I'm not her. I've been through too much to be. . .I loved and buried and watched two men I loved come back from the dead. I got over one of them lying to me about not being himself and still haven't gotten over the fact that the other took back his ring.
You'd be shocked at how I am with Jamie and Bre. . .I mean, who would believe that I would actually be good with kids or thinking about taking on motherhood. . ." turning her head away from the wall and towards the door, she admitted softly: "I thought I was pregnant when Jess was sick. . . I never told anyone about it. . ." she admitted as she turned her head back towards the wall: "It broke my heart when I realized that I wasn't. . . even with how bad things were at the time. . .that John and I weren't together. . .I . . .I wanted that baby. . .
But the thing is, it wasn't meant to be.

There was no baby.

And I was alone. . .Only now, it won't be my babies I'd be raising. . . It would be Jessica's. . .I know what Mom and Dad want me to do, but . . . I'm afraid for those two little girls. . .I know how they say Jess became Tess, but. . .I don't think she. . . she had some sort of break, but DID. . . you know I did the research. . .It's not likely that two family members have it, never mind three," she admitted. "I know. , , I know. . . I'm supposed to jump on the bandwagon, quote party line that Todd was only pretending to get off of a murder charge. But what if he wasn't? And even if he didn't have it, Mom does. So how is it possible for two people in the same family to have it? For it to have taken the family so long to realize that Jess had it? To not see though her act not once but twice? Can the statistics be that off?" she wondered out loud.

Exhaling, she shook her head. "But that's not what I came here to talk to you about. What I really want to say is that I wish you were here.
You'd tell me what to do.
How to fix this mess. . . they blame me for it.

Maybe I blame myself too.

But I know what I have to do. I guess I always knew.

I'm not the girl who fights for affection from people who won't give it to her.

I'm not the girl who maliciously strikes out against people. In fact I probably hold way to much in that I shouldn't.

Dad--- Clint---" she corrected herself, "sure as hell got a taste of the effects of that tonight.
And Uncle Bo got caught in the crossfire.
But on the upside, I finally realized something. . . something I should've known all along.
Told you a long time ago.

You're the first and only real Dad I had.

I'd like to think if you were still here that we'd sit and talk.
You'd tell me about your day, I'd tell you about mine.
You'd knock John or Jared into a wall or two at the least, unconscious at the worse, because he hurt me.
We'd talk.
I'd be there for you now, the way I should've been strong enough to back then. . ." Natalie admitted as she pushed to her feet. "I wish I had been your little girl, now all I can do is hope that I can make things right.
Make you proud.
You're the only one who counts now. . .I know what I have to do and how to do it. . .I ummm probably won't be back here, somehow, I don't think that will surprise you either. . .Probably the only thing I said tonight that wouldn't. . .I did love you, Ben, and you meant more to me than I ever said. . . I'll make you proud.
Surprise you by the person I can be. . . I'm the person I am now because you believed in me. . . you were the only one who really did. Who didn't just say the words. . .

Thank you for saving Mom.

Thank you even more for saving me.

Loving me.

Being my Dad," she got out in an emotional rush as she brought her fingers to her lips, kissed them, and then, brushing them against the wall, continued: "When someone asks me whose daughter I am, I'll be saying yours from now on," Natalie finished before walking out, confident in her decision now that she talked things over with one of the only people who ever truly accepted her for who and what she was.

You'd be surprised at all that I've become...
You'd be surprised.