Chapter Eleven

Lorelai's eyes met Luke's across the table. She was terrified of this moment. It bore the weight of threats of possibilities and decisions. Things would be said, things they could not take back and could not erase with a danish and a cup of coffee.

She wondered if he felt the same.

"So, you said it hurt too much to put away my tea?"

She nodded, her eyes fixed on the hard planes and angles the shadows chiseled from his flesh. God, but he was beautiful.

"Why?"

"It was too hard. It would be real if I put them in a box." She laughed dismissively. It sounded brittle and weak to her ears, giving away the illusion she tried so hard to create. "You know me: ignore the problem until it goes away."

"You, you wanted me to go away?" His was barely above a whisper and he seemed to press himself into the chair.

Lorelai sighed again and looked at the clock. Three in the morning, perfect. This was just the type of conversation one would want in the middle of the night. "No. Yes. It's complicated. Can we start off with a simpler question?"

"Why did you lie to me about Christopher?" His voice was flat. He could have asked her what the current gas prices were. He probably would have sounded more interested in the gas prices.

"I think I want the going away question back."

"Well?"

"I don't know." She sighed and begged her coffee cup for the answer. "He's Christopher, y'know?"

"Well that explains everything."

"He and I have the great big history: Rory, the drama that is our parents, the whole star-crossed lovers thing." He winced and she instantly regretted the comment. "And, no matter how big of a rat he can be, no matter how many times he lets me or Rory down, he comes and he smiles, and it's…Christopher. I forget all the bad times, and it's like we're both sixteen and riding in his Porsche. I didn't want you to think I was seeing Christopher in anything but a friends and fellow caretaker of spawn kind of way."

"You thought I would be worried?" Lorelai nodded. "About you being chummy with the father of your child and the man you've gotten back together with more times than a Kennedy's been on the bandwagon?"

"And with good reason, apparently." She hated doing this, putting all the blame on Luke. It was her defense mechanism, a tactic learned from a lifetime of ridicule and scrutiny: redirect all attacks to the attacker. A tactic espoused by the great Sun Tsu himself.

"I was afraid you'd get all jealous and bijiggety. Glad to see I was wrong."

"I wouldn't have been jealous."

"What?" She stared at him, the whole room out of focus. This whole scene seemed unreal. Of course, he would be jealous. Men were possessive and they viewed woman as part of their possession—like a hat that they slept with. Any warm-blooded male would be desperate to keep his woman away from any potential mates, especially a potential mate that was, at one time, a real mate.

"I've seen the way he treated you. But, you kept going back to him." His eyes bore into her own as though imploring her to understand. "Even just as friends, he screwed things up for you."

"So this wasn't about Christopher being my ex? It's about how he manages to come back into my life exactly at the wrong time?"

Luke nodded. "He's like some cosmic screw-up that won't rest until he's finally made you as screwed up as he is." He sighed and took a deep breath. "And you always take him back." Luke ran his hands through his hair in a true ranting mode. Despite the topic, Lorelai reveled in the vision. Luke angered or emotional was always a sight. He was a man of great passions—passion he usually kept broiling well below the surface. When he allowed it to crest, his eyes grew darker, his voice huskier, his body fuller. Lorelai hungered for him even more. "Every time you see him, he hurts you and Rory. Even when the two of you are just friends. You're never just friends, there's always something else there—your history or whatever—but it draws you back to him. And, he screws you up."

"I swear to you, Luke, I'm over him. I thought he was over me."

"Then why did you hide it from me?"

Lorelai peered into her cup, searching its bitter contents for answers she did not have. There was no reason for her deception; no sane logical explanation could provide insight into her behavior when Christopher was involved. She needed to tell him the truth. He deserved at least that much. Could she do it? Could she bare that much of herself and not break down from what she would uncover? She gulped and took the plunge.

"As easy as it would be for me to blame my insane evil twin for hiding Christopher, the only thing I can say is that I was scared." He winced again and she hurriedly continued. "We were good. So good. Better than any relationship I've ever been in. For the first time in my life, I felt like I had a partner. I had someone I could share everything with. I didn't want to lose that. And, because I knew you wouldn't like the idea of me hanging out with him—which I completely understand—I kept it a secret."

"So you liked to me to protect us?"

"As crazy as it sounds, yes." She gazed unflinchingly towards him.

He eyes seemed too focused on the burning candle before her as he stirred his tea with a finger. "I know I shouldn't have worried." His eyes turned to hers. "But I would have."

"Luke I don't know how many times I can say it."

"I just get worried that one day you'll realize that I'm not good enough for you."

Lorelai was dumbfounded. Luke not good enough for her? Unbelievable! "And you think I think Christopher is?

Luke gulped and nodded.

"I realized that Christopher would never work at Sookie's wedding. It hurt; it physically hurt admitting it. I didn't want to give up on that dream, I guess. It would have been nice: the biological father of my daughter actually living with me." Luke flinched and seemed to crumple in his chair, each word from Lorelai chiseled away at his stony exterior. "I mean it'd make my parents happy, it'd make his parents happy so Rory would finally have tow sets of grandparents. It'd probably have made Rory's life at Chilton a lot easier. But it wouldn't have made Rory happy. It wouldn't have made me happy." She smiled as a faint glimmer of hope sparkled to life in his eyes. "You, Mr. Backwards-baseball-cap-man, make us happy."

The faintest hint of a grin peaked at the corners of his mouth, almost as though he were too afraid to believe her. "I make you guys happy?"

"Well you made me very happy about four times in the passed," she caught a glance at the clock above the microwave, "six hours." She laughed at the sudden flush that colored his cheeks.

"Lorelai!" His growl was a mixture of frustration and embarrassment with a strong undercurrent of something else. It was more tangible than desire and moiré real than lust. It excited her.

Lorelai shook her head and steeled herself against her yearning libido. Hormones could wait. This was important. "I've compared every guy I've ever dated to you. I tried to find people who were like you: Max was safe and reliable; Alex was outdoorsy and handy; Jason could keep up with my quips. But none of them were you. And, I was too busy trying to find people like you, that I never thought to ask you." She sighed and looked up at the ceiling. "I guess I was too afraid of what could happen. I knew I'd screw it up if you said yes, and our friendship would be ruined if you said no." She looked at Luke through tear-moistened eyes. "Luke, I don't deserve you. I was afraid you'd see that. So, I never risked asking you. When you did ask me, I hid everything that would make you see that. Like me visiting Christopher." She spread her hands above the table as though asking the fates for an answer to her problem. "Behold my success." Lorelai shook her head and looked at the cold cup of coffee in her hands. "I don't deserve you."