Why should she feel guilty? What the hell did they all expect her to do? Barney had stood there, looking like the last runt in the litter and saying… stuff… to her - blurting out that he loves her like some kind of "Ted" and it had seemed so stupid.

Now all Robin feels an ache in the pit of her stomach - but it's not guilt. No! That's just hunger. She's hungry, that's all. She was ravenous earlier but somehow the feeling got stuck in her throat when Barney stormed out of the apartment.

Now she feels an unfamiliar sense of dread. She kind-of wants the others to come up to the apartment and talk this through but, on the other hand, she doesn't want Lily's accusing stares and Ted's grandstanding romantic ideals and Marshall's misplaced need to defend her. She doesn't need defending. She hasn't done anything wrong.

This is all Barney's fault.

And she still believes, deep down, that it's some kind of 'bit'. She believes it right up until the moment she gets a text from him. Her phone beeps in her hand just as she's going to weaken and call Ted.

All the message says is: "Sorry"

It's the worst thing he could have said. Because if this was all a joke or an elaborate prank then he would have put in a smiley face (a kind of weird, teenage affectation that always makes her laugh) or put something lewd. He'd have been Barney.

Was it really possible that she'd hurt his feelings?

She brings up Ted's number on her cellphone, ready to ring him before she realises that she's gotten Barney's by mistake. Freudian slip? Slamming her phone shut, she shivers. Her heart is racing strangely.

But it's not guilt. She's got nothing to be sorry for.

Barney's the one who has apologised. He's practically admitting that this whole thing is his fault.

And great… now she's not hungry any more.

*--*--*

Ted comes home about an hour later to find her sitting miserably on the couch, draining her third glass of wine.

"I should call Barney," she splutters.

But Ted snatches the phone out of her hand an darts out of her reach. "What are you going to say?"

"Hey, give that back!"

"Robin…!"

"I don't know! I guess I've got to say something. Unless you think he'll just, like, get over it?"

Ted sighs in exasperation. "Robin, he's really hurt. Lily said she's never seen him so down." And even Ted can tell, from those few brief seconds before Barney launched himself out of the bar, that that was no regular Barney-tantrum. This isn't like the time when he'd lost his Get Psyched mix CD. This wasn't like the numerous times they'd teased him or called him Swarley. This was something they couldn't joke about.

Robin waves at him to give back the phone. "So I should apologise?"

"No!" Ted says. "I mean... no, don't be nice to him, just because you're feeling awkward. Don't lead him on. Don't make him believe that he might have a chance with you. Please Robin, don't sit there and slowly torture the poor guy to death with empty hope." He watches her carefully but doesn't see the reaction he was hoping for. He was hoping for a glimmer of doubt in her eyes, a shred of confusion. He was hoping that he'd see her questioning her own feelings. After all, she and Barney are perfect for each other. How can she not realise that?

But all she does is shrug. "Okay."

Ted tosses her the phone. "Yeah, okay. You say what you want, ice queen."

"What's that supposed to mean?" She glares at him.

"You know what I mean. You've ripped a guy's heart out tonight and you're acting like you just don't care!" His voice has risen in pitch but he no longer cares.

"Ted, it's Barney! How is everyone forgetting this important fact?"

"Robin, Barney's one of your best friends! How can you be so unfeeling? Even if you don't want a relationship with him, you should at least care that you've lost his friendship, not to mention that you've put a depth charge under your own circle of friends."

"Yeah, like you cared about that last spring when you wouldn't talk to him for three months!" Robin stands up, hands on her hips, her eyes flashing.

"This isn't about me! Stop trying to deflect!"

They are nose to nose now, yelling at each other. Robin takes a step back, panting. "Look, Ted…" She runs a hand through her hair with a nervous laugh. "Let's just have sex and we'll deal with this in the morning?"

Ted shakes his head. "Robin, I'm not going to have sex with you. Maybe when you stop being such a grinch about this, I'll try being friends with you!"

Only he didn't say "grinch".

*--*--*

Barney shows up at the Dowistrepla apartment, way after midnight. Lily's still awake, curled up on the couch, wrapped in Marshall's oversized bathrobe and drinking cocoa. Marshall is fast asleep, of course. Her husband could sleep through a hurricane and alien invasion combined. Well, perhaps not an alien invasion…

Barney's red-eyed and broken. His fists are bleeding and bruised although, other than that, he doesn't look injured at all. Lily wonders what on earth he's been doing as she leads him towards the kitchen, running his knuckles under the cold water until his teeth start chattering.

"You wanna stay here tonight, sweetie?" She asks him, gently. She can recognise that desperate "I don't want to be alone" expression when she sees it. She wonders, vaguely, why he didn't just pick up a bimbo. But then, she realises, she's never really totally understood him.

He nods silently, like a child, and she helps him make up the sofa with a bundle of cushions and a rug, trying to coax him to lie down.

"You want some cocoa?" She asks him.

He nods, dull-eyed and unsmiling.

While she's out of the room, he removes his suit and shirt, drapes them carefully over the back of the sofa and wraps himself up in the rug so that everything below his nose is covered.

When Lily returns with his mug, he looks half-dead, like a drowned rat. "I put something extra in it," she says, handing him the cup. "Help you sleep?"

He nods gratefully, gulping the liquid.

Lily can't help it. When she sees a kid in pain, she has to help the poor sucker. Barney's really only a big kid at heart. She strokes his hair, whispering soothing words. She wishes he'd say something lewd to her, crack some joke. She wishes he was stronger. He's always been so strong.

And as Lily watches him fall asleep, she hates Robin with a passion.

*--*--*

Robin is up awake long before dawn. She can't sleep but she's too cold to get up. The apartment is freezing. It'll be hours until the heating kicks in.

She feels… weird. Unsettled. The last words Ted screamed at to her are still ringing in her ears: "Robin, you've spent so much time convincing yourself that Barney doesn't feel anything for you that you've never stopped to think about if you feel anything for him!"

She doesn't feel anything for Barney. Well, she feels a mild sense of annoyance and irritation. These past two weeks he's been acting crazy - like a clown on acid. It's been jarring and strange and she's just wanted him to snap out of it. She's just wanted her friend back. And she's been so wrapped up in this friends-with-benefits thing with Ted that she's just not been able to give a damn about Barney's weirdness or the reasons behind it.

(Some deep dark part of her realises this was selfish. Some part of her wonders how Barney survived the past two weeks)

Besides, Barney had his chance. At Ted's wedding she's was already poised for a "benefits"-style relationship. She would have happily had one with Barney. She was going to have one with him. She'd bought along the good scotch and a sob-story about her job in Japan and he should have been putty in her hands.

Only he wasn't.

He was hooking up with another girl. Because that's what Barney did.

And that didn't hurt her, oh no (perhaps a little bit), it didn't make any difference. It just showed her that you couldn't rely on anyone. Not friends, not family, not boyfriends, not anyone.

You could only rely on yourself.

(And she knows this is a lie and that she really, really needs to talk to someone but she's trying to talk herself out of it).

She stares at the ceiling for, like, an hour before giving up and getting out of bed. Thankfully, Ted's left for work. It's early, even for him, but at least she won't have to endure his baleful stare When did Ted start doing this BFF thing with Barney anyways? When did those two get so close?

(She kind-of resents it. She's kind-of jealous).

She fixes herself some cereal and manages to choke down a couple of spoonfuls before pulling on a coat and heading out. She hops on a train, not paying much attention to where she's going but she somehow, inevitably, ends up at Marshall and Lily's. She's about to knock on their door when she wonders if either of them will be home.

She steels herself and knocks anyway. There's no answer so she knocks again, more loudly, rapping her knuckles so hard on the wood that she hurts herself. The pain steadies her, somehow, focuses her.

Then he opens the door.

She gapes at him, wondering what in the hell he's doing there. She feels angry and wrong-footed but he's standing there and she gets this sickening feeling of déjà vu. He's half-dressed, wearing boxers, his shirt open, his tie draped around his neck. His hair is mussed (sex hair) and he looks tired. Old.

"Can I come in?" She asks gruffly.

He steps back, waving her through, expressionless.

She's almost surprised not to find some naked bimbo in the living room. Even though that wouldn't make sense at all.

No, it would entirely make sense. This is Barney. He wasn't above using any of their apartments for a booty call.

He hangs around uncertainly, trying to avoid her eyes and she dithers by the doorway. She needs to talk to someone about him. She needs to know if she should apologise (how she should apologise) before she's ready to talk to him. She doesn't love him (she's confused and guilty), she doesn't need him (she doesn't want to need anyone), she has nothing to say to him (but his eyes… his eyes say everything).

"Robin, I'm sorry…" He says, making the first move. He'll always have to make the first move, she realises, and the knowledge hurts her a little bit. "I didn't mean to-"

She grabs his tie, one end in each hand, and she pulls him into her. He half resists but by the time he's got over the shock she's got one hand around his waist and her lips press against his and they are kissing, kissing angrily and passionately and it's everything she told herself she'd never do with Ted (no feelings, those are against the rules).

He's holding the back of her head, not controlling her, just deepening the kiss, increasing the intensity, pushing down on the accelerator until her head is spinning and she can hardly breathe. He's sucking the air out of her, sucking the life out of her like a wraith - there's desperation in that kiss, and a terrible longing.

Not all of it is from him.

Robin closes her eyes tight, then opens them again to find his - wide and blue and slightly shell-shocked, staring back at her. It doesn't freak her out - it's hypnotic. He holds her close, one hand caressing the small of her back and the kiss goes on and on for long, long minutes.

Then there's a squeal.

"Oh my god!" Lily screams, clapping her hands. She looks crazed then delighted then kind of panicky. "Oh my god!"

Robin tears herself away from Barney's embrace, the world flooding back in on her. "No…" She says, waving one hand in front of her. "No, no, no, no…" She laughs nervously. "No, this was a mistake…"

She whirls around and makes a lunge for the door, head down, cheeks burning, stomach churning and she doesn't look back.

She can't stand to see what she'd done.

She can't stand to witness the wreckage.

She wonders how she'll ever face any of her friends ever again.