Part 3
She can't think, she can't speak, she can't get rid of the lump in her throat and she can barely breathe through the tears. Tears? What in the hell?
Robin pulls out her suitcase from under the bed and begins throwing her clothes in it. She doesn't know or care where she's going. She can't think beyond the soul-crushing, mind numbing…
"Guilt" doesn't even capture a tiny fraction of how she feels.
Robin slams the case closed and the lock jams. She wiggles it and bashes at it with her palms until she realises that she's caught a piece of clothing in the mechanism. She opens the case, shaking with adrenalin, and manages to close and lock it on the third try. Her fingers don't seem to work properly because all she can do is steel herself, trying not to remember-
(she kissed him)
- as she hefts the suitcase, Robin runs out of the apartment, down the staircase and she's out into the street before she has time to catch her breath. Where's a cab? Where's a cab when she needs one? What if Lily comes after her? What if he comes after her?
There's a cab - she flags it, bundling into the back seat, her suitcase and winter coat tangling on her lap so that she can't see the driver. She needs to get to the airport. She has no idea where she's going; just that she has to run and run and keep running because-
(she kissed him)
- she can still taste him. She can still feel his lips on hers and they tingle. She can still feel his heartbeat, his chest pressed tight against her breast, and that breaks all the rules.
Because she doesn't love him and she's not crying and she doesn't have any romantic feelings for him at all. She has… something, that maybe goes beyond fondness. She has confusion and loss and loneliness and, damn, just because she's jobless and vulnerable he's playing on that.
He's playing on that with his half-naked-ness and his blonde hair and his blue eyes and his charming smile-
(but he didn't smile)
-and he's manipulating her.
He manipulates everyone and he feels nothing.
Just like her.
Just like her.
*--*--*
Barney smiles, a glint of mania in his eyes, and mutters: "Well, what do you know…?"
He turns around slowly to look at Lily, then swings back again towards the door, as if his body is being pulled by an invisible thread towards where Robin ran out of the apartment a few moments ago.
Lily's heart sinks. She's wanted Barney to tell Robin how he feels for so long. She's built it all up in her mind - the whole romantic conclusion that must inevitably follow his declaration: That Robin should realise that she loves Barney back… that the happy couple would share a tender yet passionate kiss…
Well, at least they got that kiss, Lily thinks.
"She likes me…!" Barney says it almost incredulously, despite all evidence to the contrary. "She likes me…"
"Barney," Lily begins, warningly. "She just ran out of here, saying it was a mistake." She doesn't know if she should laugh or cry. "I can't believe you kissed her!"
Barney whirls around, facing her. "But she kissed me Lil!" He lets out a bark of laughter, spinning around and darting towards Lily, hugging her tightly, lifting her off her feet. "Oh, Lily, Lily, Lily! She likes me… And I have to go after her!"
Lily tries to smile, tries to let herself be infected by his enthusiasm, but she has a very, very bad feeling about this whole thing. "Put me down, sweetie…"
He dumps her down on the floor and makes immediately for the door. She has to grab his arm to stop him.
"Maybe put some clothes on, eh Barney?" She says.
"Clothes, right!" He grabs his pants, pulling them on then buttoning his shirt. But he's not watching what he's doing. His attention is fixed at the door, like a dog, waiting for his master to come home.
"Oh Robin…" Lily thought, shaking her head. This wasn't going to end well.
*--*--*
When he can't find her, Barney leaves Robin about thirty messages and Lily keeps calling her all day until the cellphone answer service fills up. All they get from then on is an annoying beep. When Ted arrives home that evening, he finds Robin's room stripped of her things and so he calls his friends over for a crisis meeting.
"Why does it feel as if we should have the intervention banner hung up right now?" Lily asks in a small voice.
"But the recipient seems to have skipped town for a while." Ted replies, putting a comforting hand on Barney's shoulder. Barney looks up, rubbing his eyes.
"I just wish she'd call, you know?" Barney says and Ted squeezes his shoulder before looking over at Marshall for some telepathic support.
At that moment, Lily's cell phone rings, causing Ted to jump. They all crowd round as Lily squeaks "Robin" and answers it. Barney tries to take the phone out of her hand but Marshall holds him back.
"Slow down, Robin!" Lily says, fumbling with her phone to try and put their friend on speaker. "You're where? But why? Robin, this is stupid. No, of course not honey. Robin- don't!"
Marshall lets Barney go and he lunges for the phone, pressing redial and getting nothing but that annoying beep once again.
Lily sits down heavily on the couch.
"What did she say?" Ted asks, sitting next to her.
"She's gone home. To Canada." Lily replies, tears welling up in her eyes. "She says she's gone back for good."
Barney stares at her for a moment, his fingers tightening around her phone and then he turns and throws it as hard as he can against the wall, smashing it to pieces.
*--*--*
Barney sits in silence, Ted on one side of him, Lily on the other.
"Oh man…" Ted says, handing his friend a beer. "Dude, I am so sorry."
Lily strokes his arm, biting her lip. She guesses she should be angry with Barney about the whole phone thing, but in the circumstances his reaction seemed to her to be entirely reasonable.
"I mean, I've hurt a lot of women over the years," Barney gulps. "But none of them have actually moved to Canada to avoid me." He smiles sadly. "I guess that's karma, huh?"
Lily laughs, although there are tears in her eyes. "It sucks."
Barney and Ted both nod.
"I don't suppose there's a chance…?" Lily asks. "I mean, it's a pretty extreme reaction. If she didn't feel anything for Barney, would she have reacted so strongly?"
Barney's eyes light up with hope so quickly that it's painful. Lily sees Ted scowl at her.
"Dude," Ted says with a sigh. "I hate to say this… and I really do, because I think you and Robin would be great together… But I think I know Robin. And if you chase her down and try and force her to love you, it'll only end badly. You know I'm right, man?"
Barney's face falls and he mutters. "Yeah. Yeah, you-… Yeah."
Lily can see that Ted is resolved. Why does he always have to be the voice of reason? Even though she knows Ted's right, she still feels angry with him for being so blunt about it. "So what should we do?" She asks. "Should we try phoning Robin again?"
Ted shakes his head. "I think we should just leave her alone for a couple of days. Then try again."
Lily sighs. "I guess so. With anyone else, I'd be really worried. But it's Robin, you know? She's just so damn independent." She can see the fresh pain this causes Barney but both he and Ted nod sadly.
However, after a few moments, Marshall stands up and says, loudly, "NO!"
Lily looks up in surprise. "Baby?"
"NO!" Marshall repeats. "Guys, we are not going to let Robin move to Canada. No way! She's our friend and we do not let friends run away to Canada!"
Lily, Ted and Barney sit in stunned silence.
"I'm serious, you guys!" Marshall continues. "I made a promise to her once that if anything bad happened, if she ever even considered moving back to Canada, that I'd follow her and bring her home. I'm not going to back down on that promise!"
Lily began to smile. Marshall was standing a little taller, a little more proudly, lifting his head as he made his speech.
"I'm going to go to get on a plane! And I'm going to go to Canada! And I'm going bring Robin Scherbatsky back to New York City!"
Lily gave him a spontaneous round of applause.
After a minute, Ted spoke up. "I hate to break it to you buddy, but Canada's a big place." Ted said. "How exactly are you going to find her?"
Lily threw a cushion at him. "Way to ruin the moment, Ted!"
*--*--*
Robin sits on the stiff, upholstered sofa in her father's study, feet tucked under her, reading a book. It takes her five minutes to realise she's holding it upside down.
Things are not looking good.
Trouble is, there really is nowhere left to run. She'd showed up at her father's house in the snow, dragging her suitcase down the pitted drive (stupid cab driver refusing to take her up to the door) and she hadn't said a thing to him. The great thing about R.C. Scherbatsky Senior was that he was a man of few words.
This isn't the first time she's asked herself what in the hell she's doing. If she absolutely has to be in Canada right now, why in the hell isn't she in Vancouver or somewhere with a nightlife - not in the middle of the god-damned country?
Going to see her father was probably some kind of subconscious punishment. Some sort of masochistic self-flagellation. She tries not to think about that too closely. After all, she hasn't even had to apologise to her Dad. He just grunts at her when it's time for dinner.
No wonder she has problems dealing with other people's emotions. No wonder she has avoidance issues.
Yeah, and not thinking about things is a great idea. Not thinking about New York, for example. Not thinking about how much she misses it already. Not thinking about how her heart is wrenched out of her chest at the idea of never seeing Lily or Marshall or Ted again.
Definitely not thinking about…
Robin is starting to feeling sleepy when her father appears in the doorway with a look of mild disapproval. Well, she assumes it's disapproval. He pretty-much always looks like that.
"R.J., There's a strange American man at the door. He gave me… these? And said he was 'sorry and can you come back home'?" Robin's father holds out a small cardboard box with a sneer, as if there's an unpleasant smell in the room.
Robin disentangles herself from the cushions and reaches for the mysterious box. Donuts? Iced donuts? She giggles, a little hysterically, then covers her mouth with her hand. It reminds her of that time a couple of weeks ago, in that tiny Canadian bar that Marshall had found for her… Marshall? She finds herself grinning, despite everything. She should be angry, she knows that. She should be outraged that he'd try and come and drag her back to New York like some sort of run-away child. She should be angry that he stayed true to his word. After all, she doesn't need to be rescued. She never needed anyone to save her…
(But she does. She really does)
"Dad, I'll deal with it," she says, flashing him a confident grin. "I'll get rid of him." Does she really want to get rid of Marshall? Big old Mashall, who hasn't got a mean bone in his body? God, she misses New York… Just to see a friendly, familiar face will be so wonderful. She might even share the donuts with him.
When she gets to the door, her heart falls through the floor and it's all she can do not to drop the cardboard box. The cold air freezes her hands and her face as she watches her visitor standing, shivering, in the doorway.
"Uh, Hi?" He says.
"What are you doing here, Barney?" She says.
The donuts are completely forgotten.
*--*--*
She hadn't meant to sound so hostile. She hadn't meant to be anything at all. But she guesses that the shock of seeing him has jolted her out of her lethargy and blown away any weirdly fuzzy feelings of homesickness she's been experiencing.
Barney follows her into the kitchen. He looks dazed, wrapped up in coat, scarf and gloves, his nose and cheeks still pink from the cold. They stand there, awkwardly looking at each other, until he sighs and pulls off his gloves, gesturing for her to sit down on one of the stools by the breakfast counter.
"I had this speech," he begins, and she grimaces so he gives her a half-smirk that doesn't reach his eyes. "Oh, don't worry, it was totally lame. When I was walking up you're driveway just now - and seriously? How long do Canadian driveways have to be? - I realised something…"
Robin sits up straight on the stool, trying to steady her breathing, willing her body to stay in control and not do anything unnecessary like cry or shake.
"I realised," he says, and then he closes his eyes briefly and lets out a brief sigh. "I realised that here, in real life, speeches don't matter. Because that's not me. I'm never gonna be the guy who gets the happy ending, Robin. I'm never gonna be the guy who gets the girl like you. And you know what…?" he smiles sadly. "None of that should matter. Because you have to come home. You have to come back home and be where you belong, with your friends, in the city you love."
He tilts his head and looks at her, seeing her reluctance, seeing everything, it seemed. "And I promise you, Robin, that if you come home, I will never, ever, ever, I swear to god," he looks up at the heavens, "that I will never tell you I love you again, or expect anything from you, or ever hurt you if I can help it." For a moment, just a moment, he looks desperate, but she sees him beat his emotions down. "I know how this works," he chuckles. "I know I'm just too awesome for you. And so you have to come home."
He smiles his charming smile. He's Barney. It's like nothing ever happened.
"Come home, Scherbatsky."
And so she does.
*--*--*
On the plane back to New York they fly first class, they sip champagne and he throws cashew nuts at her. They get stuck in her hair and she laughs at him. She laughs and him and he chuckles and he flirts shamelessly with the "slutty" flight attendant.
But he doesn't disappear off into the first-class restroom.
There's no "mile high club, high five".
He's sweet and funny and dirty when he needs to be and for the whole journey she feels heavy, like she's weighted down, and yet at the same time she's really light-headed. Robin tries to put this down to the cabin pressure and the flight turbulence but after an hour she realises that she's been watching him. She's been watching Barney for any hint of that vulnerability he showed her on the morning at Lily's. She's been searching his eyes for that spark of longing that she glimpsed for a moment when she'd kissed him.
But there is nothing. There had been a window of opportunity open, just for a brief while, and she hadn't even realised it at the time.
For everything Barney had said at her father's house, she admires him. For everything that Barney is, she respects him in a weird way.
She was terrified of losing him and that terror made her crazy for a while. And she was so, so afraid of letting anyone get close to her that she blocked him out. She's been blocking everyone out for a very long time.
And Robin knows, with absolute certainty, that Barney would never, ever, ever (he swore to god) risk their friendship again.
He would never (could never) open himself up to her like that again.
And she would have to go through the rest of her life wondering what she's missed.
THE END