Meredith wipes the steam off of the bathroom mirror. She stares at her reflection. She doesn't like what she sees. She looks broken. She doesn't want to be broken anymore. She feels the urge to break the glass with her hand. She wants the mirror to be as broken as she is. She wants to use those shards of glass to cut her wrist. To bleed. To live.
She doesn't know why she feels this urge. Usually it takes longer. Usually the relief lasts longer than a couple of hours, but her skin is itching. Her skin is begging for her to scratch it with the smooth, sharp edge of the razor.
She pulls her bag out from under the sink and looks in the side pocket. She reaches in and grabs the box of razor blades. She sits them down on the counter before pulling out an individual blade. She always uses a fresh blade. A fresh blade for a fresh cut. A fresh blade for a fresh wound. A fresh blade for a breath of fresh air.
She runs her finger along the sharp edge, chills traveling down her spine in anticipation. She shouldn't be doing this. Why is she doing? What is driving her to make this cut? What is driving her for this ever decreasing moment of release?
The tears trail down her face as she stares at the razor blade. The razor blade that has been her only friend for so many years. But it hasn't been. It hasn't been her friend. It has enabled her gradual self-destruction. It has left her scarred. It has left her broken. It has left her alone.
A sob wracks her frail body, clad only in a towel with her still dripping hair falling over her shoulders. She asked him for help. Just over an hour ago she asked him for help and now she is sitting here staring at a razor blade, her last cut not even scabbed over. The bandage still present to remind her of her latest failure.
She doesn't know where it comes from. She doesn't know what prompts it. She just knows that it escapes. It escapes her mouth in a desperate cry.
Meredith: DEREK!
She is yelling for him. She is asking him for help. And now she is scared. What if he doesn't show up? What if he doesn't really care? What if he can't help her?
She can hear his feet running towards her, but her eyes remain fixed on the razor blade. The razor blade that is positioned for the first cut. She can feel the cold metal against her skin and it feels so good. She inhales deeply as she closes her eyes, pressing down a little harder on the blade. She is hoping that he shows. She is hoping that he shows and stops her. She wants to be stopped. She needs to be stopped.
His footsteps grow louder as he approaches the bathroom. The pounding in her head increases with the pounding of his footsteps. Cut. Release. Breathe. Pain. Hurt. Anger. Not enough. Not good enough. Never good enough. Each though seems to accompany the beat produced by Derek's falling feet.
Derek: Mer?
His voice comes from the other side of the bathroom door. She can't find her voice. He sounds so scared. She is so scared. He came. He showed. But can he help her? Is she beyond helping?
A sob escapes and that is all the prompting that he needs. He pushes the bathroom door open and she finally raises her eyes to meet his. Her eyes are so vulnerable as he takes in her appearance. He immediately rushes to her and kneels down in front of her. He reaches up and brushes her wet hair out of her face.
Derek: Mer?
The tears flow freely down her face as she looks into his bright blue eyes, full of concern.
Meredith: I….I…
Derek looks down at her wrist and he sees the positioned razor. He reaches his hand out.
Derek: Give me the razor, Mer.
Meredith looks down at the razor in her hand. She can't let it go. She can't. She needs him to take it away from her. She needs him to stop her. She needs him to stop her because she can't stop herself.
Meredith: I…I…can't…
Derek nods at her. He understands what she needs him to do. He reaches out and pries the razor from her grasp. Meredith's knuckles are white from gripping the razor so hard. Derek places the blade on the counter before taking Meredith's hands in his own.
Derek: Meredith?
Meredith continues to look at the floor, so Derek places his thumb under her chin and forces her to look into his eyes. The tears continue to trickle down her face.
Meredith: You….you…you came…
Derek tilts his head to the side and smiles at her.
Derek: Of course I came. From now on, you can expect that I will show up. I will always show up.
Meredith leans her forehead against Derek's as she inhales deeply.
Meredith: Promise?
Derek runs his fingers through Meredith's tangled wet hair.
Derek: I promise to always try my hardest.
Meredith nods against his forehead.
Derek: Now, are you going to tell me why you felt the need to cut yourself again?
Meredith begins to sob as her forehead moves from Derek's forehead to his shoulder. Her hot tears dampen his shirt as he runs his hand over her bare upper back.
Meredith: I….I…don't know…I…oh God…what is wrong with me?
Derek: Shhh…it's okay…it's okay, Mer….there is nothing wrong with you. You are amazingly perfect.
Meredith sobs harder against Derek, her tiny frame shaking. Derek brings his left arm under Meredith's knees while supporting her back with his other one and lifts her off of the toilet. She grabs a fistful of his shirt as she sobs uncontrollably and he carries her into her bedroom. He gently places Meredith down on the bed before lying down next to her. She immediately curls her body into his.
Derek: Meredith, I know that you aren't used to people being there for you. I know that you are used to having to do things on your own, but you don't have to do that anymore. I want to be there for you and by you calling for me, I'm guessing that you want me to be there for you as well.
Derek looks down at Meredith as she nods into his chest. He continues to run his large hand over the small expanse of her exposed back. They are lying so close together that their noses are almost touching.
Meredith: I've never had anyone be there for me before. I…I'm not used to it.
Derek smiles at her.
Derek: Well, you better get used to it. I will be there so much that it will probably annoy the hell out of you.
Meredith giggles as she sees sincerity in Derek's eyes. Derek feels his heart flutter at the sound of her giggles.
Derek (smiling): Now there is that giggle that I love so much.
They lie there in silence as Meredith plays with the hem of Derek's white cotton shirt. Derek can tell that something is on her mind.
Derek: What is it, Mer?
Meredith looks up at him as she bites down on her bottom lip.
Meredith: What do you mean?
Derek chuckles as he brushes a strand of hair out of her face.
Derek: I can tell that something is on your mind. Spill.
Meredith looks at him from under her lashes, nerves causing her stomach to tighten.
Meredith: Promise not to laugh?
Derek (acting offended): I would never!
Meredith giggles as she punches him lightly on the arm.
Meredith: Promise??
Derek smiles warmly.
Derek: You can tell me anything, Mer.
Meredith inhales deeply before looking back into his blue, accepting eyes.
Meredith: Why don't you want to date me?
A shocked expression crosses Derek's face.
Derek: What do you mean?
Meredith: Well, the other night, you didn't want to want to have sex with me and now we are going to try the friends thing, which I know it was my idea, but you didn't object…so I was just wondering if something was wrong with me and you didn't want to date me because of that…it's cool if there is…I just…I was just wondering…and you don't have to tell me…you know what? Nevermind…I don't want to know.
Derek chuckles as he places a finger on Meredith's lips to silence her.
Derek: I love it when you ramble.
Meredith blushes furiously before mumbling an apology.
Derek: Don't apologize. I do want to date you, Mer. I really want to date you, but I don't want to rush you. The reason that I said we should wait last night wasn't because I don't want to have sex with you, because trust me, I really do, but because I respect you enough to wait.
Meredith looks up at him, a smile tugging at her mouth.
Meredith: So, you want to date me?
Derek smiles as he laces his fingers through hers.
Derek: Meredith, would you like to accompany me to dinner and the game tonight, on a date?
Meredith giggles.
Meredith: I would love to.
Derek leans forward and places a kiss on her nose.
Derek: I will meet you at 5 then.
Meredith nods as Derek gets up from the bed. He stops at the door and turns back to her.
Derek: Don't hesitate to call if you need anything.
Meredith nods and Derek walks out of the door, only to return a moment later.
Derek: Oh, and Mer?
Meredith looks up at him with questioning eyes.
Derek: We will talk about what happened earlier later.
Meredith smiles warmly at him and nods before watching him close the door behind him. Meredith falls back on the bed and stares up at the ceiling, a large smile gracing her features. She has a date tonight. She has a date tonight and he showed. He showed. She can't believe that he showed. Meredith sighs before getting up off of the bed and beginning to get ready for what is already promising to be one of the best dates of her life.
So...I was really sick while writing the last half of this update...so give me a little bit of a break...lol...let me know what you think..
-Marci