When I wake up, I begin to get dress, but then realize that, I don't have to work today. I sigh softly to myself, trying to push out a forming ache in my heart. I know where it comes from. It comes every year, and persists throughout the day. I curl up on my bed, trying to push those feelings away. 'Why…why Aniki?' This… this was the only day I allow myself to remember his name, his face, his voice, anything and everything about him. Yes, him. He was – is – my Aniki, my older brother… I picture his face as I last saw it – pale as my own skin, his long, black, straight hair with a tint of grey, those beautiful, endless black eyes, framed by several long lashes and accompanied by those characteristic lines. I curl tighter on my bed, whimpering slightly as the pain hits me tenfold. His name is always the hardest to recall. Always, I force myself to forget it, as that sole name is what causes me the most pain. 'I…' I try to think, I know that it's an animal, 'It…' that animal … what was it… brown I think… 'Ita…' oh yes… it has multiple colours… but a white stomach 'Itac…' beady black eyes 'Itach…' and… and doesn't the animal bring ill fortune? 'Itachi'.
My body clenches as the name rings into my head and it repeats, echoing over and over, bouncing around, unable to stop, 'Itachi… Itachi. Itachi. Itachi! Itachi! Itachi!' Sobs escape me and my heart feels as if it's going to shatter. Emotions are swirling within me. Too fast. Too fast. It's like everything is on haste while I'm on slow. My world feels as if it's spinning. My breath is coming out in quick, short pants, almost no air escaping or entering. I feel the cool tears running down my face and I try to curl myself further and further. 'Itachi! Itachi!' Always that name… always. 'Itachi! Itachi!' Gradually everything slows down, my breathing steadying, 'Itachi! Itachi.' The pain begins to reside, 'Itachi. Itachi…' I close my eyes, rolling onto my back. The images in my childhood begin to play out and I see his smile, I hear his laughter. I feel calm for just a moment before my memories begin to return to present time, my heart hurting again. Yet... it's not as strong anymore... I know that his name will be gone in the morning… but I only can live for one day, the only day that I don't have to live with such physical pain, with such agony. The only day I'm free. I sit up, rubbing away the tears on my face. Perhaps I'll wander today… I just don't want to be stuck in this room anymore. I sit up and grab another kimono – I have no 'street clothes', all that I have are the ones I came here with, and those don't fit me anymore.
I sigh as I leave my room, trying to ignore the sounds coming out from the other rooms. I want to… at least learn my way around… as this is the only day I really can.
The building is a bunch of confusing hallways that seem to continue on for eternity. They twist and turn, corners jolt you one direction to another. We 'employees' (as Pain likes to call us) live in our own section, well 'live' although we just sleep, and store what little belongings we have in the room that they assign us to. Every year, we have two days off – Christmas and our own birthdays. I almost laugh aloud morbidly at a thought that enters my mind, just what if all of us 'employees' had the same birthday? I shake my head at my sick sense of humour, continuing to walk down and into the main room. I catch a glimpse of Konan's hair and she comes up to me, hissing slightly at me, "Why are you wearing a kimono Sasuke?!"
I resist laughing again with my own internal morbid humour, "You think the clothes from five years ago would have fit me? Besides, I'm too accustomed to wearing a kimono, I'm sure that 'normal' clothes would be rather uncomfortable." I really don't know where all this laughter is forming from; perhaps I really have finally cracked. Regardless of this humour, I can still feel the pain in my heart and body, but I'm ignoring it, I know I can't break down in front of the paying customers… though I doubt any of my colleagues would agree with me there, nor I would myself.
Konan just shakes her head and a loose blue strand escapes her head, shimmering in the sunlight. I glance up at it and I see the stairs and my heart throbs with an odd excitement. I blink at this, finding the feeling rather shocking. Nothing but agony, pain, betrayal and anger passes through my heart in the last five years, and yet, just gazing upon some stairs triggers excitement within me? I know what is up there, that is the 'privileged ones' section… or well to but it bluntly, the toppers. They have their own, separate area that has been distanced from our own (our being us 'bottoms'). I wet my lips in anticipation and look up at Konan. I've never been so bold in my life, but... I just want to know what is up there. I've heard things from the other people... about how they require an appointment to visit them. "Konan?" I ask her softly.
"Yes dear?" She asks me, tilting her head.
"I was just wondering if I could… just…" Oh gods, I'm having trouble trying to find an appropriate word or words, "see what is up there?" I say, gesturing up the stairs.
Konan replies by looking rather sceptically at me, but then seems to ponder on it for a few minutes. I squirm impatiently. 'Wait… just what the hell am I doing?! Why am I so interested in this damn brothel!? What the fuck is wrong with me?! This was the place he dumped me!!! Where he left me stranded on my own! No, no he, Itachi! That's who!' But… what… what if that isn't the case. I just want to hold my head and crumble down in confusion and uncertainty but I hold myself together. I glance up to see Konan looking at me with a smile on her face. "I discussed the matter with Pain… and how about you lead this man here to room 01 upstairs Sasuke?" She says and winks at me.
In all of my self-pity and anger, I hadn't noticed the woman talking to Pain, and I glance over to see a small man perhaps in his mid-twenties and obviously is the submissive type. I nod and begin to lead the customer upstairs. I gulp to myself wondering why the hell I am doing this. I feel relieve when the person behind me remains silent. After about twenty steps, we rise to the top and the hall was lavish, and obviously of a higher quality than the ones upstairs. My jaw drops slightly, but I can't help it. The dominating ones… they feel so… superiour… so much bigger and important than I. I continue to walk down the hall towards the rooms, closing my ears to the disgusting sounds echoing out of the rooms. 'Thank God it's only room one… I can't stand it up here…' I turn and offer a small smile to the male behind – now in front – of me, "Here you are sir; I hope you enjoy your visit." I say and then open the door.
I do not expect the scene inside the room… apparently this client was a masochist… The room is full of chains, whips and other miscellaneous fetish items. I…I never knew that this brothel held such items… I watch as the man enters the room and I turn, to await the 'worker'.
"Thank your for bringing Nowa I will take over from…." The man never finishes and I just collapse. That voice, that hair, that face.
My heart just stops, my breathing stops. 'Why is he here?! Why the hell is he here?! What the hell are you doing here Aniki!? Why the fuck are you working here Itachi!!!!' I can't voice any of my thoughts, and I see the shock on his face. I see how frozen he was – as I. After a moment, he regains movement and his hand comes towards me. I won't let him touch me. No… this is all just an illusion! This has to be! The Itachi I know will never be used like this! No! No! This cannot be! I scuttle backwards on my rear before I stand and brake out into a run until I reach my room. I am panting and my lungs are straining for oxygen. I put my hand on the handle, turning it and ignoring Konan who is running towards me. I collapse against the door, beginning to pant. I close my eyes to prevent the tears from escaping.
Everything begins to swirl in my head, my heart screaming for relief. 'He can't work here!!! He can't! No! Itachi is too good to work here! I… I deserve this! He doesn't!' I need to sort out my thoughts but things are swirling again, and that question that burns to be solved after so many years rose up into view.
Just why did Itachi take us – me – here?
I always try to come up with an answer. I grapple for anything that might make sense. Sometimes, I come up with the craziest solutions, sometimes things made perfect sense. But now… almost all of my options just turn into smoke.
'Did… did he really not know…? Was it all surprise to him as well?'
I shake my head. I am not ready to accept an answer. No, not yet. I just break down into tears, my whole body and mind going numb. I crawl my way over to my bed after most of the tears escape me, thinking that, perhaps, maybe some rest would do me some good. I lie flat on my bed, my arms and legs sprawling out, trying to find sleep and trying to eliminate all thoughts about Itachi from my mind.
Knock. Knock. Knock.
"Leave me alone Konan." The steadiness of my voice surprises me.
Knock. Knock. Knock.
"Dammit! Leave me alone!" I say irritably. Can't she see I want to be left alone?!
Knock. Knock. Knock.
My face puffs up in anger, all thoughts about Itachi now momentarily forgotten. I stand up and stomp towards the door. "What the hell do you want," I demand as I open the door, freezing at the face before me, "….Itachi….."