They finally reach their room after the quiet trek, no further words having been exchanged in the past ten minutes. Derek knows that something is wrong. She is tense and her brow is knit as if she is in deep thought about something. He tries to think about what could have gone wrong. Everything was perfect. Everything was so perfect. They were joking around and suddenly everything changes. He wracks his brain as he attempts to recall every detail of their exchange.
He sighs in frustration as she instantly moves away from him as they step into the room. She throws her purse down on a nearby table before turning around and facing him. Her eyes are piercing and her jaw is jutting slightly forward, as if she is ready to partake in a battle.
She opens her mouth to speak, but quickly closes it again, as if searching for the right words. He takes a step forward, imploring her to speak.
"What is it, Mer?" he asks, wanting to make things better as soon as possible.
She bites down on her bottom lip, letting him see that she is nervous no matter how tough she tries to act. He takes another step towards her, now close enough to reach out and touch her. He does try to reach for her, but she pulls away as she looks into his eyes.
"Areyouawhore?" she quickly blurts out, not exactly sure how to ask the question that has been bothering her since his mention of no complaints.
Derek's eyes narrow and his lips purse as he attempts to decipher her nervous speak. He shakes his head and chuckles when the gibberish remains gibberish and he still has no idea what she has said.
"What?" he asks while attempting to suppress a chuckle.
It is now Meredith's turn to narrow her eyes as she places one hand on her hip and points at him with the forefinger of her right hand, taking on an accusatory manner and making him feel strangely like he is back home and his mom is scolding him for getting his hand caught in the cookie jar. "Are," jab "you" jab jab "a" jab "manwhore?" jab jab. Her voice is slow and she attempts to sound strong, but he can detect the hints of nervousness and her finger actually hurts a little as she accentuates each word with jabs in the chest with her forefinger.
Derek sighs as he runs his fingers through his hair. This is not going to be good. He has gotten around. He has definitely gotten around. But that shouldn't matter. She is different. "Meredith…" he starts.
"No!" she interrupts. "I asked a simple question: Are you a manwhore? And it really requires a simple yes or no answer. No Mer, or tilting your head to the side and grinning like an idiot. No trying to woo me or whatever," she says while pacing the small space in between the coffee table and the couch.
He closes the space between them and reaches out and grabs her shoulders, forcing her to stop and face him. "Damn it, Meredith! Look at me! Yes! Okay? Are you happy now?" Derek lets go of her arms and throws his own up in the air before he now starts pacing. He fails to notice the tears that have gathered in Meredith's eyes as he shouts at her.
"Don't yell at me," she whispers, struggling to find her voice.
Derek immediately stops and turns to look at her. He can see the fear and hurt on her face and his face immediately crumples. "Oh God," he says as he reaches forward and envelops her tiny frame in his arms. He places a soft kiss on her hair. "I'm sorry," he whispers, "I'm so sorry for yelling at you," he finishes as he begins to run his hands up and down her back.
They stand there for several minutes, just holding and comforting each other, her arms wrapped around his torso, his hands still moving up and down her back. "How many?" she asks into his shirt.
He sighs as his hands stop their vertical motions. "I don't know," he answers in a sad voice.
She leans back and looks up at him, pain and confusion evident in her eyes. "You don't know?" she asks in disbelief.
"I don't know," he responds in a quiet voice.
She arches her eyebrow. "How can you not know?"
He moves around her and sits down on the couch, his head falling forward into his hands. "I don't remember all of them. I remember some, but not all," he answers in a voice that lets her know he regrets it.
She sighs and sits down next to him. "Talk to me, Derek," she demands.
"You don't want to know," he answers as he looks at her out of the corner of his eye.
"Maybe not…but I need to know. You made me talk about my problems, so…it is only fair that you talk about yours," she pauses and bites down on her bottom lip. "Plus, if we are going to do…the thing…then we need to talk about these things," she adds nervously.
Derek chuckles lightly. "The thing?" he asks.
Her eyes widen as she realizes the many connotations that "the thing" can take on in the context of their current conversation. "Oh! Not that thing…not…no…not that thing thing…but the dating thing…or the relationship thing…not the sex thing…not that I don't want to do the sex thing…but no…that's…no…not what I was talking about. Nope. And I don't know if you want a relationship either…so just ignore that I said that…in fact," she says as she starts to get up, "ignore all of that."
Derek chuckles as he reaches up and grabs her arm, pulling her back down on the couch. "I do want to try the relationship 'thing' with you. I…that is why I want to be honest with you. I…I just don't want you to think any less of me," he says in a quiet voice.
Meredith reaches forward and cups his cheek in her hand. He leans into her touch as he closes his eyes, relishing in her soft touch. "Derek, look at me," she commands. He opens his eyes and turns to look at her. "We all do bad things…we all…do things that we are not proud of…but it is the good…it's the good things that we do that define us…not the bad…I can't promise that I will like what you are about to tell me…but I can promise that I will get over it…I will get over it because you…you already mean so much to me. Okay?" she asks as she looks deep into his now tear-filled eyes.
He nods. "Okay," he responds in a tear-strained voice. He runs his hands over his face before leaning back on the couch. "Five years ago my mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer," he begins in a quiet, pain-filled voice. He can hear Meredith gasp, but ignores it and carries on. "Her chances weren't good. Ovarian cancer, hell, any type of cancer, is serious and we didn't think she was going to make it. I was supposed to be a man and take care of my sisters. They were my responsibility but it was all too much. I couldn't fathom losing my mom. I had already been recruited to the MLS and had already acquired a little fame, so I could easily get alcohol. I started drinking, a lot, and sleeping around. It made me feel good in the moment and at the time, I was just looking for the quick fix. That's why I don't remember how many. That went on for about a year. My mom recovered, but now I had a problem. I couldn't stop. It took my mom confronting me and telling me I was dying and that I was killing her to make me stop. In the four years since then, I have slept around some, but not like I was then," he trails off.
She studies him for a moment. His slouched form and quiet voice tell her that he really does regret it. "How old were you when…you know?"
Derek smirks as he looks back up at her. She feels inwardly relieved to see a hint of a smile back on his face. "Are you asking me when I lost my virginity?" he asks in an amused voice.
Meredith blushes slightly while nodding.
"I was seventeen," he answers as he watches her. "Look, Mer, I like sex. Hell, I fucking love sex. It's great and it is important in a relationship," he notices the crest fallen look on her face. "But," he says with a smile, "with you…with you it's so much more than that. I find myself wanting to wait for you. I want it to be perfect for you and I want you to be sure," he adds as he leans towards her and trails his forefinger down her cheek.
She chews nervously on her bottom lip as she glances up at him through her eyelashes. "So…I'm not just another notch on your whatever?" she asks.
He chuckles. "My bedpost? No. You could never just be another notch on my bedpost," he says as he leans in and places a gentle kiss on her cheek.
She breathes a sigh of relief as she looks at him. "Derek?" she asks.
"Yeah?" he quickly responds, his lips brushing against her smooth skin as the move to form the single word.
"Is it okay that I'm feeling…" she trails off, unsure of how to phrase it.
He pulls back a little and stares at her. "How are you feeling, Mer?" he asks in sincerity.
"Like…I don't know…it's a mixture…it's nervousness…embarrassment…timidity…I don't know…It's just…and you are…and I…" she rambles as she avoids his eyes.
He looks at her sincerely as he caresses her cheek while forcing her to look at him. "Why are you feeling those things?" he asks as his eyes search hers.
She bites on her lip as she tries to look at the ground. "What if I…" she trails off.
"What if you what?" he asks as he begins to run his hand down her arm.
"What if I don't please you?" she whispers with tears in her eyes.
"Oh Mer," he whispers sincerely as he rests his forehead against hers, tangling his fingers in her hair. "When we have sex…when we make love…it will be perfect…it will be perfect because it's with you…I…" he starts, trying to find the perfect way to say what he needs to say. "I have never made love…it has always just been sex to me…so…when we do it…it will be both of our firsts..." he says with a smile in his voice.
"Really?" she asks as she smiles at him.
He simply closes his eyes and nods. "Really," he whispers into the now relaxed atmosphere. They stand there for a while longer, allowing the conversation to sink in as their feelings for each other continue to grow and expand into something beautiful.
"Why don't you go get in your pajamas and I will get in mine…and then we can cuddle up on the couch and watch a scary movie?" he says as he finally pulls his forehead away from hers.
She arches her eyebrow in amusement as she looks at him. "A scary movie, eh? I don't remember deciding on that genre…" she says before giggling lightly.
He grabs her hips and pulls her body further into his, his lips lingering only millimeters from hers. "Well," he begins in a light tone, "I figure that is a sure-fire way of getting you into my bed tonight," he says with a smirk.
She gasps before playfully pulling back and hitting him in the arm. "Ass!" she says while trying to keep a straight face.
"Oh, come on," he says while pulling her back into him, "you were totally thinking the same thing."
"Maybe," she mumbles into his sweater, "but you were the one who said it."
He chuckles as he runs his fingers down her spine. He can feel her shiver in his arms. He doesn't want to let her go. He never wants to let her go. When she is in his arms, when she is with him, he feels like it is okay just to be him. The flaws, the past, the fame—she doesn't see those things. She sees him. Just him for who he is and nothing more, nothing less. For the first time in his life, Derek Shepherd feels content being Derek Shepherd and it is all because of an amazing woman named Meredith Grey.
Alright...so...I just...I got a couple of PMs about updating more often...and I want you guys to know that I update as much as I can...I am a premed student...planning to take the MCAT in the summer...I volunteer at the hospital and I also have my own board...Did I mention that I have 9 fics? Yeah...I update when I can...I would apologize for not updating more, but I have a life and priorities and I'm not going to apologize for those things. I just had to say it. Sorry.
Thank you all for your great reviews. I will try to have another update up soon...but I'm not sure when it will be. I live in Oklahoma...and my apartment is currently without power. I had to rearrange two of my finals so that I could come to my mom's just to be warm. And yeah...I kind of love this update...Derek isn't perfect...and I really wanted to show that...they are imperfect apart...but together...they are perfect. Hope it was worth the wait.
-Marci