I just want to warn you that rape is discussed in this update. It isn't graphic, but is discussed nonetheless. Hope you enjoy.
Meredith fumbles with the tie on her bath robe as she stares at her distorted reflection in the mirror. Distorted from the condensation that has formed from her hot shower. She reaches up and runs her hand quickly in a circle on the mirror so that she can see her face. Her hair is dangling down past her shoulders, standing out against the white terry cloth robe provided by the hotel. Her skin is golden, but a faint tinge of red can still be made out from the hard, hot pelting water from her shower.
They had lain in Derek's bed and watched Portugal win the match, making small talk about soccer as they did so. She had then decided she needed a shower and had pulled herself away from him. She did need a shower, but she also needed to think. She needed to think about her confession. She needed to think about the ramifications of that confession. But most of all, she needed to cry.
When she had said she needed to take a shower, Derek had raised his eyebrow, silently questioning her. She had rolled her eyes and promised him that she wasn't going to cut. And she didn't. She didn't cut. She couldn't bring herself to shave because of the temptation the razor might have offered, but she didn't cut. She had promised him that she wasn't going to cut, so she hadn't cut. She had crumbled to the floor of the shower and curled into a fetal position as sobs racked her body, but she hadn't cut.
She stares at her reflection, her stringy hair and puffy eyes, and she wonders what he sees in her. She is damaged. She is broken. She feels like she keeps throwing her shit at him and he doesn't deserve that. He shouldn't have to deal with her problems. They are her problems, not his, and he doesn't need them. He deserves better. He deserves some Malibu Barbie who is perfect and isn't scary and damaged. He deserves bright and shiny, not dark and twisty. She is definitely dark and twisty.
But he makes her want to be bright and shiny. He makes her want to strive to emerge from the dark and twisty and try out the bright and shiny.
A light knock on the door jolts her from her reverie.
"Mer? You okay?" his worried voice calls through the door.
In response, Meredith reaches over and opens the door. He smiles at her as he steps into the bathroom and places a soft kiss on her still damp forehead.
"Hmm…you smell good," he tells her as he wraps his arms around her waist and buries his nose in her damp hair.
She pulls away from him slightly. "I'm damaged, and not just in a chip or crack damaged, but like major structural damage and could collapse at any moment damage, damaged. You don't need that. You can do better. You don't need my problems and you shouldn't be with someone so damaged…"
He steps forward and places his finger on her lips, a frown forming on his mouth as the color in his eyes darken just slightly. "You are damaged. You are damaged and may collapse at any moment, but I want to be your structural support beam. I want to be that support you need so that you can begin to repair the damage. You have been torn down, but I want to help you rebuild, renovate. Because all of your damage, all of your cracks, all of the shit that other people have thrown at you, all of that shit, that makes you better and stronger. You are not some dilapidated, condemned building. You are a mansion in Beverly Hills and don't for one second think that you are not good enough for me. If anything, you deserve better than me," he tells her with a tinge of anger in his voice. Anger that is not directed at Meredith, but those people in her life who have hurt her so much.
The tears run down Meredith's face as she silently nods. She steps forward and wraps her arms around his body, burying her face in his chest. He runs his hands up and down her back as he hugs her close.
She takes a deep breath, ready to reopen a wound that never really closed, that she never really acknowledged.
"It hurt. It hurt so bad. I cried. I cried and begged for him to stop, but he didn't…and then I gave up. I gave up and just closed my eyes, hoping that it would be over soon. I closed my eyes and imagined that I was younger and my mom was still alive and she was teaching my how to bake her famous homemade chocolate chip cookies. I can still smell the gin on his breath," she whispers as she clings desperately to Derek.
"You don't have to do this…" Derek whispers comfortingly.
"Yes, I do. You deserve to know," she whispers before continuing. "He just got up and left after, telling me that the sex sucked and that I was worthless. Then he ended it and walked out. As soon as I heard the door shut, I ran to the shower and turned the water on as hot as I could get it before sinking into the bottom. My body ached and I felt so dirty. It didn't matter how many showers I took, I still felt like a dirty slut. I felt like I deserved it for being so stupid and weak. I didn't cry in the shower. I didn't cry after I had initially begged him to stop. I became numb until I started cutting again," she finishes in a soft voice.
"I'm so sorry," Derek whispers.
"No, I don't want you to feel sorry for me. I just wanted you to know," she tells him in a strong voice as she pulls back.
Derek just nods as his hands travel down to her waist. "I promise you this, when we do have sex, I will make sure that you will enjoy it. It may be uncomfortable, but I promise that you will not experience that pain and I promise to stop the second you say the word," he tells her earnestly.
She looks up at him through teary eyes. "You still want to have sex with me?"
Derek smiles warmly at her as he cocks his head to the side. He pulls her body closer to his. "I can't wait to have sex with you," he tells her in a soft voice before leaning in and whispering in her ear. "I can't wait to show you just how amazing sex can be. I can't wait to be inside of you and hear you calling my name. I can't wait, but I will. I will wait until you're ready, until we're ready," he says before placing a soft kiss behind her ear.
"Thank you," she whispers.
"You're welcome," he responds as he pulls back and smiles at her. He leans down and kisses her quickly on the lips. "Now, why don't you go get in your pajamas and then we can watch a movie and eat junk food."
Meredith giggles as she nods her head. Her wounds and scars are many, but she can feel them beginning to heal and disappear the longer she spends with Derek. For once in a very long time, she feels like everything is going to be okay.